Jan
10th
2019
Birthday · 4:52pm Jan 10th, 2019
If anyone is interested today is the birthday of Stagnation is Death, through all this time I went through a lot of changes and a lot of comments I thank all of you that actually read the story and liked it, I thank the ones who gave me criticism, it helped a lot you know? Now what I wanted to do today it to publish the rewritten version of my first chapter I worked hard on it and I think it came out good enough. But I want your opinion, do you want to read it? Let me know
Drat. I hadn't gotten to reading that one yet. It's on my tertiary reading list (I make a new one every time I can't reasonably browse the previous...). TOO MANY STORIES!
I don't know if it's a self-insert or a HiE-as-____ scenario, but I think the whole dying person and Discord thing is overdone. Perhaps just have the person wake up with the memory of Discord asking that question (may help if he can't recall who said it, just that it's familiar). Or saying what Discord did in the original interlude -- that he needs someone who Daybreaker can't predict. Kinda like a cutscene.
The current one is awkward since it's a cliche and there are some grammar issues with it. The whole "I'm ___ from ___ but we also have MLP" is also hard to read. My personal thought is that the protagonist shouldn't just drop the whole exposition-for-no-reason dump at the start, but can later feel that the scenario they are in is familiar for some reason, or say what their name is once they are asked by someone. Find and add ways to drop this information instead of having them just blurt out their backstory right at the start (especially since it's more helpful to the story if they can add or change it later as needed for plot, since they haven't actually codified it anywhere). (Just don't go too far that way and end up with a character who can ass-pull anything needed because no-one knows they can't)
But as-is, the comments of out-of-setting knowledge are detracting from the story, since they aren't really needed yet. Any person put there would do the same, so the extra knowledge is unnecessary to the reader (with possible exception of the bit where he decides that the red pony enemy is not actually intelligent, so can be safely killed).
Lastly, the first subject would be simply Subject Zero, or maybe Null or Alpha. The zeros in text as the number will bug most people, especially in speech... or where there are more than one. I can't see "Subject Zero Zero Zero" (for instance, when Celestia actually calls him that, presumably out loud) being anything that an organic being would say without making up SOME sort of nickname very quickly, but that is what his current appellation works out to be.
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Hehe the birthday passed but if you want you can check it out Here I tried with all my might to make it as good as possible but all constructive criticism are accepted, unfortunately the whole dying thing is something I really like and want to keep sorry if it bothers you :(