Update · 5:29am Jan 8th, 2019
Hey there, guys. I thought I'd explain why I haven't had the motivation to write any of my current stories lately.
This blog is very long, so go ahead and skim through it or skip reading it altogether. I promise I'm not doing any of this for attention or comments. Just some closure and to get some things off my chest. If somebody happens to read it and relate to it, that's always nice too, so that's why I thought I'd make it a blog. Please don't judge me for any of these thoughts either. That's why I'm struggling to open up in the first place.
I've been struggling with depression as of late. Like, really bad depression. My mental health is pretty awful too. A few reasons as to why this is:
1. No matter how many people I'm surrounded by or how many people show me support, my mind is constantly shrouded in darkness. I always feel worse than my friends and family in terms of beauty, intelligence, and talent and have a bad habit of comparing myself to others.
2. I've had suicidal thoughts. I don't have a solid plan, but I've been considering it. When I'm able to snap out of this state of mind for awhile, it's terrifying to think of how close I've come to throwing the rest of my life away, but I'm still fighting.
3. My mental health has degraded to the point where I actually hope that something terrible will happen to me just to show that somebody cares about me. One time, I found this website that allows you to create your own kidnapping through social networking and it still scares me how appealing it sounded for a moment. I've stopped being cautious when it comes to crossing the street and walking by myself at night.
4. I've been losing interest in my old passions, hence why I haven't been writing anything. I still want to finish these stories for you guys, so I don't plan on cancelling any of them.
To further get feelings off of my chest, I've been writing free-verse poetry and songs too. I've been journaling as well. Writing has always been a huge passion of mine and it really helps to lift some of the weight off of my shoulders.
It's also a miracle I found the time to write at all. This whole week will be non-stop tests for me and it's been stressing me out for days on end. On Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, I will be retaking chemistry tests that I failed and this Wednesday, I have to take an oral exam. I've never been good at chemistry, so that's only adding to the pressure.
The oral exam doesn't actually bother me as much. The teacher that I'm taking the exam with is super cool and he's actually my guy friend's Dad. I've never been afraid of speaking in front of people either, especially small groups. We just had to read the entire book of Les Miserables in two months as well as Anatomy of Peace and Lord of the Flies. This is stressful mainly because:
1. Les Miserables is over 1000 pages long and I have to memorize many key points for the exam. Anatomy of Peace had complicated ideals to memorize and I didn't even read Lord of the Flies because the formatting of the book really hurt my head. My teacher let me read The Hunger Games instead since similar topics are explored, but I'm still nervous that it'll come up in the exam anyway.
2. We recently had to write an essay on a topic that is seen as a serious problem. I chose to do mine on toxic relationships. Having ended a toxic friendship recently, I thought I'd know more about the subject, but it turns out I know less than I thought. I really don't want to be asked about it in the exam. (Yes, it has been confirmed that it will be brought up in the exam.)
3. As much as I love writing and reading poetry, I feel like it's my weakness when it comes to my writing. It's hard for me to find the right words sometimes and I always feel like everybody else can do so much better than I can. We've been learning about poetry in the class and it only brings up even more self-esteem issues when I'm asked about it.
Oral exams are a big deal in my school. I go to a school of the arts and everybody there is so talented and intimidating. Not to say that I don't love it there. I'm an artist too and I love being among people that enjoy similar things. But basically, oral exams are discussed since the beginning of the school year and it's pretty much on your mind until the big day.
But yeah. That's why I haven't been updating my stories recently. I want to keep writing them, I promise. I just have to figure out my feelings and what to do about them.
If you're still reading this, thank you so much for taking the time to at least skim over it. It means a lot to me to have somebody who just takes a little time out of their day to read about what I'm going through.
Have an amazing day. 
~Sapphire Rose
I don't know you, nor do you me, but just know I have a friend who went through something similar. She needed shoulders to lean on, and I offered mine to her. I don't know much about this topic or how to help, but I do know how to be there to pick someone up. If you need someone, I am there.
Whether I am holding you in my arms, walking next to you, or standing alone in the cold as you try to go it alone, I will be there. And I wanted you to know that.
Have a good day, and remember my mantra:
No matter what you think or what others say, you are awesome.
5019907
Thank you. That means a lot.
However, one of these things have passed by. The oral exam went okay. It was a lot of pressure, but I got through it. I don't know my score quite yet. We'll have to wait and see.
5020034
I'm sure you did great. When you put your mind to it, anything is possible. As always, I'm here for you.