For the Moments When I am Frozen in Mute Witness · 1:53am Dec 13th, 2018
I am not very good with words.
... Perhaps I should amend that a bit. I am very good with typing words. I am not very good with speaking them. Especially when they are words that I need to say to express myself about how I am thinking. How I am feeling. How I... am.
Which may seem like a rather strange struggle to have as someone who spends much of her life having to have a conversation with struggling people nearly every day, but... I think the difference is that I'm not being asked about myself in those situations. I'm not the one who's life is under the microscope for the moment as we work to figure out how to make it through to tomorrow.
To be honest, I've struggled most of my life with this inability to speak the words that I want to. There have been so many times where I have stared blankly at people, screaming inside of my head as I try to get the words out that I need to say, only for my mouth not to move and my tongue to coat itself with lead. It's exasperating. It's frustrating. And it's part of why I still sometimes have this complex around having to speak to large group of people because I never know when it will set on.
Had this been something my parents had been more aware of when I was a child, I likely would have been diagnosed with Selective Mutism. Selective Mutism (SM) is a condition that is highly tied to anxiety and sensory processing disorders where a child who is physically capable of speech simply doesn't in situations where they need to. SM tends to also only crop up in specific instances that cause issues of social connection and development. And it isn't something that is pervasive in other environments. Meaning, like, for me, I really struggled to find the words to say anything when I started at a new school at age 6, and when my parents dragged me to yet another Sunday School at a new church because they were religious like that, and then left me with a group of strangers and children I didn't know. So despite my mom often wanting me to shut the hell up at home, in those environments, I was silent.
The words ran away from my tongue, and I could say nothing.
Now, unlike the Hollywood rendition of SM, there's usually not a trauma component to it. Mind, I'm fairly certain that the CSA I endured at age 3, and then again from 6-9 probably didn't help my inability to speak my thoughts, but typically, it's more closely tied to anxiety and fear of needing to perform.
Which, often that's how it felt growing up. Primary school was a performance, and I was the star role. Only no one ever gave me the lines, and expected me to figure out what in the world I was supposed to be doing. Which resulted in me spending a lot of time playing by myself or with a few friends, speaking very quietly, or only piping up when my impulsive nature and curiosity that is endemic to ADHD led me to blurt out answers to questions or to burst out of myself with new questions about something we were talking about. Which... tended to earn the ire of teachers and classmates alike, and in the end tended to compound the issue.
And... to be honest, it would be nice to say that this went away. That this was no longer an issue for me, but... that's not the case. I still have moments where I freeze. Where I can't speak. Where my words have left me alone under the eyes of someone who not only expects, but demands a response from me and I have none to give them.
Honestly just typing that line fills me with anxiety and dread because I know it's going to happen again at some point, and I hate that. Because that's usually when people start pushing. They start getting more demanding. And no amount of my nonverbal attempts to show that I AM FUCKING TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING seems to get through.
So I hear things like "Come on, use your words." Or "Stop filtering yourself." Or "Say what you are thinking."
If I could do that I would. In every case this has happened to me with someone, no matter who important or unimportant they are to me, I would love to be able to speak my mind and let my words flow. But sometimes I get so anxious that I can't. And it is nearly impossible to be able to get the space to try to find my voice again before the other person gets frustrated, leaving me feeling exceptionally foolish and stupid.
Because I think that people assume that I am trying to filter myself. That I'm trying to put things in a nicer way. To show myself in a nicer light, or to say something in a way that doesn't hurt someone else's feelings. While this may be true occasionally, more often than not people can tell that's what I am trying to do. Because the words are flowing. They're just... saccharine and velvet gloved as opposed to saying what I truly mean.
But when I am silent I am not filtering.
I'm not doing anything but screaming with no mouth because I need to say something anything but I can't, and that inability to make my tongue move frustrates me to tears. Because then I am left feeling foolish and stupid, useless and inarticulate in front of others. And that is one of the most painfully lonely things that I've experienced in my life.
I want to Speak.
I want to say all of the pulchritudinous words that I have stored up in my head, and paint breathtaking pictures of emotions and thoughts with my words.
But then I am suddenly struck by stillness, and scared silent. And I am frozen in mute witness to all the horrors wrought by our innate need to communicate verbally, and damned by my fear that keeps me from expressing my plight aloud.
If you got this far and need to Google it let me save you some work:
Today I learned that Selective Mutism exists and that I was not an anomaly of a child. So that's nice.
Huh. I guess I learned something today.
This reminds me of my brief stint as an author... I had so many ideas and I drew maps and I designed languages and I knew what I wanted to happen... but when it came time to write I just... couldn't get the words from my head into the story. Other than that... surprisingly, this is one thing I didn't have when I was younger. I just had a general aversion to others outside my circle.
Hm. This seems obvious enough that I assume you've thought of it and found some issue with it, but just in case: have you thought of carrying something you could write or type a message on and show to people? It wouldn't work in all situations, but with the information I have, it seems like it might in at least some.
In any case, though, I'm sorry you have to deal with this; I hope typing and posting this to us helped some, at least? Looks like, if nothing else, it's already raising awareness somewhat, so that's good.
I frequently have little to say. People object to this.
4980487
That is honestly one of the most frustrating feelings ever. XD
I kind of have an understanding to ur situation I have a problem with studdering and have had several people get mad at me cause what takes them a few seconds to say takes me longer just to get out .
4980497
In my case it's living in a state of vegetation coupled with a serious RBF.
But I also have issues with selective mutism.
While the condition may have tormented you when you were young, from my limited experience with you, I think you're growing on this front. Ironically, I couldn't think of anything else to say.
I think it's a good thing that I take a while to say anything. This is usually because I'm lacking necessary information on a topic to make a good response. Impulsive responses never seem to go well for me. Thanks a friggin lot anger.
This post was like looking at a mirror I'd never seen before. The people in my life aren't orators, but they've always been consistent in their articulation. I've never seen any of them shut up like I do whenever there is a conflict (not that I have a high Perception stat).
Thank you Heartshine, for sharing your experience and knowledge that's made a problem of mine less ambiguous.
I am not a very talkative guy.
I dont have any admiration for talking just for the sake of it.
It can get awkard fast if im alone with someone and i dont have anything to talk about.
I dont really want to say anything.
I prefer to hide my problems, id rather not talk about myself at all, because i dont want anyone to see how fucked up i really am.
I prefer to just work on myself, in silence, trying to get better.
Writing these words now is easier than telling them in person.
Stay strong, thats all i can say.
4981543
It's... always easier to write. I don't know why that is. I'm not sure if there's so disconnect in my brain between written word and spoken word, but yeah... I... feel that.
You have a lot to say, and the world will be better for having heard it. There's a dissertation in here, somewhere, in the words you've typed. The blog, the story, everything. I look forward to seeing the things you will accomplish.