Midnight Review: Stagnation is death · 9:22pm Nov 7th, 2018
A Midnight Review
It’s been a long time, hasn’t it everyone? That being said, today’s review is on a story that was submitted to the Nominations for Quality Works in the Displaced group, and shortly after taking a short peek at it, I realized it could be quite the fodder for a SPECTACULAR RETURN TO GLORY or something, either way, let’s buckle up and get down to it.
Stagnation is death by Firefoxino
This story was updated some time in July and is, in fact, rated mature so you’ll have to look it up if you want to read the rest of it. As usual, I’ll be focusing on the first chapter as that determines exactly what people think. The story itself has over 3,000 views and 280:33 likes to dislikes. Will it become a Quality Work? We’ll see. I will give the author some slack, as English isn’t their first language, but not too much since they have an editor.
When I was just thinking what could await me in the afterlife, a creature took me away and asked me what was the thing that all the living thing do in order to survive. I just answered "They evolve, so they could survive better and better". He just looked me in the eyes, with those yellow and red eyes,and said
"Than you won't have any problem to become the best in that would'you?" Then nothingness overcame me.
I’ll be honest, I don’t know much about Prototype, but I know a lot about writing a Displaced fic, now don’t I? Nonetheless, my first observation here at the long summary is that the author needs a better editor, or needs them to edit this. Furthermore, this doesn’t really give us information into the story beyond the beginning, and while that isn’t an issue, the amount it does provide is scant and doesn’t justify being the summary. A better method is providing backstory you haven’t already here.
A dying man saved by a crazy creature, the lifes of countless Innocents on his shoulders, a powerful bio-weapon and all of this with a family? One warning, don't mess with my family!
Okay, so listen, I realize that English is not your first language, but even in Italian this likely does not sound remotely good. The chief problem is that it doesn’t give anyone much! Some people will read it, but most people won’t because it’s as generic as the next story. Simply put, come up with something else ffs, this is way too brief and basically reveals what I assume your first chapter is.
Chapter 1 The Lab[Edited]
Brace yourselves, the story is coming.
Here I am in a hospital bed, alone, and I have what? 5-10 minutes before the cancer claims my life? Not that I can complain; seems like the world doesn't like the idea of me having a family. Yep, they all died I know it's sad but with the years you learn to cope with that and... Dammit! I was telling this without introducing myself first! Ok then, hello there I'm Philip Mercer.
I’ll do you the immense favor, should you read this, of correcting the grammatical errors found within the excerpts of the story. That being said, the very first thing I’m going to recommend is that you should get an actual editor. According to your summary, you’re relying on readers which is not a good idea. Moving forward, the start of your story is interesting enough, however, I’m going to take this chance to give a lesson.
Whenever you elect to write a story that specifically centers on one character, there are several things you should and should not do. The way this first paragraph proceeds is an example of something you should not do. Writing in first person is not an issue, should one do it right, however, do it wrong and it comes off as a far worse story. Many authors in this community make the mistake of putting forth a character’s thoughts as the primary focus of a story, they avoid the necessary descriptions and explanations.
That said, putting a character’s thoughts in full view is not a bad idea, the issue is that it should be used to give the reader a better setting. They do not need a self introduction, the story needs to be presented in such a way that they learn who the character is, what they’re like, and so on.
The point herein is that, what you’ve done here, Fire, is a bad decision. You’ve taken everything about the current situation and give it to us in a single paragraph.
That being said, you’ve made another ridiculous decision. The character shouldn’t need this sympathy in order to be a character. Develop him, show us who Phillip Mercer is, what he’s like. Telling us through his thoughts that all his family is dead, and not in the way an average person would think about it, is akin to a Mary Sue pulling the STICK OF GOD STUFF out of their ass and waving it like magic wand, somehow fixing the situation.
One more don’t. Don’t ever introduce the character in the first paragraph, that’s bad pacing.
No, my dad is not Alex Mercer. I'm a 20-year-old man with short black badly kempt hair and brown eyes, I'm 175 cm tall and I HAD a good figure until 5 months ago, and the most important information of all, I'm a brony. Yep, I discovered MLP thanks to a friend of mine and I immediately loved it, but that's not important, right?
Let me put this bluntly, it matters not who this character’s father is to the reader. There’s no need to clarify who their father is when it’s made obvious that the franchise of origin doesn’t exist in this world. In fact, despite saying this, I did in fact need this clarification because nothing is given to us yet about the setting prior to Displacement. This is, oddly enough, not the first Prototype Displaced I’ve reviewed. However, it is, as of yet, far better than the other seeing as there is something substantial here. Not much, mind, but it is.
The description of the character is something that can easily be done through other methods, though I am under the assumption that his looks change upon Displacement, so I’ll leave it. Please note, I have not read beyond this as of yet, except skimming the next paragraph, so I’m going to make a few conclusions to show you how predictable this is. Predictable is not bad, mind, but it shouldn’t be this easy to conclude.
Prior to this paragraph, I was under the assumption he was going to cosplay or commit suicide and end up Displaced. Now, I am certain without even proceeding. Your character is dying and the Displacer offers him a chance at life and doing something different, and seeing as he has no one, he accepts. You revealed most of this in the summaries already. This is immensely detrimental to the first chapter which is the source of many of your readers.
Moving forward, you could have easily hinted at his illness and lack of family by described a dim hospital bed with a man clearly in it, yet nothing else in the room and no cards. It’s a matter of the setting being given, and despite the fact I can make conclusions and figure it out, I shouldn’t have to go this far to do so. You’re relying too heavily on the character’s thoughts here and it’s really annoying. I honest to gods feel like I’m stepping on a lego and can’t get rid of it. Or like whenever you get a cramp you simply can’t get rid of, and it has to fade before you feel relief.
But you top this cake, this dark brown cake, with a pile of sauerkraut to take it home. The character is a brony, not all that surprising, but this is a detrimental plot device and I’ll explain why. While some stories have managed to pull off prior knowledge, this is exceeding hurtful to the story when it isn’t done well. Many writers who do this have kept the plotline of MLP as it was, which means the character is able to Sue it up. It also removes several points of conflict that can be used to develop the character to the reader.
Now where was I? Oh right, I was dying yeah. Just before I started to close my eyes for the final time I felt something, and everything just became grey. Everything stopped, the nurses, doctors everyone; and then someone talked..
Not only was I right about the character dying- Oh wait, you told us this in the summary. Gee, I was almost surprised there but lol, heckin bamboozled. This seems like one hell of a way to inform that the character is dying, if we haven’t read the summary and spoiled it. There’s no emotion to it, and that’s because you’re presented it as purely thoughts. There’s nothing to give us setting. Again, this seems to be a frequent problem with your writing.
That being said, I really feel like you’ve totally played up the dramatics really well here, you’ve almost made me care and that’s an amazing feat in itself. Except, it’s not. Because, would you look at that, I feel absolutely nothing towards this character, because there isn’t anything there to make me do so. This isn’t how you play up a death and I’m tempted to write a new story just to do that right just to show you.
And then we have this next bit, which really isn’t helping things. We have nothing to indicate that he felt something beyond him telling us directly through his thoughts, which isn’t even necessary to show the events as they proceed. This is a common issue a lot of new writers have, which is that they jump through things too quickly and have a nasty tendency to just flat out tell things.
And what we have now is the very first instance of providing any kind of setting, one which we could have assumed prior to this sentence anyway. The character is revealed to be in a hospital, not entirely surprising since knew he was dying. However, there is little to be told about the hospital when such a scenario as this can be used to describe and give some sort of feeling to the writing in this instance. It could have been used to show or give us a sense, instead of telling, the character’s thoughts by how they describe everything.
And finally, you reveal that someone is talking, we’re basically told flat out that someone did this. There isn’t anything wrong with that, but there are a number of ways it could be done that aren’t quite as blunt. Such as him looking around and seeing the person there, out of the ordinary in what just happened. There’s nothing wrong with how it’s done, it’s perfectly reasonable, it just could have been done in a way that benefitted the story.
"Heeeeello my boy, how are you on this beautiful day?" I immediately looked at my right and then I saw him. Discord.
"What are you doing? Trying to imitate a goldfish?" He asked.
Really this is the first instance I can see where English not being your first language comes into play, seeing as the only issue is a simple switch between O and I. However, I am going to offer likely the first valid compliment of the review and say that the speaker’s actions are not out of character, well done.
What matters next is that, in the transition from wherever the character is currently looking to Discord, there’s very little that expresses how the character feels, which is ironic considering that’s basically all you’ve show prior to this. English not being your first language isn’t much of a defense at this point, seeing as writing style isn’t something that changes heavily based on a grasp of language unless your knowledge isn’t even passable. Props to you, for attempting to write, but I wouldn’t write in another language without either being I can write just as well as I can in my own, or with a very skilled editor. I believe that where you suffer is that when you have difficulty with scene transition and showing, you elect for relying purely on thought, whereas when a simple action is taking place, you simply tell it just as it is in the most basic form.
And this is where we get the big reveal, the mic drop to end all mic drops, the big moment that makes you gasp in utter shock and cover your mouth with your hand as you simply can’t believe this. That’s really what this should be, but the simplistic and blasé way of your transitions really harms the feeling and shock factor I believe you were going for. A big reveal isn’t a big reveal when we’re flat out told in a single word who they are.
The following question our friendly draconequus asks is, by far, not out of character in the slightest but what is out of character is that he simply asks it, you provide no feeling or sense to the scene, he simply asks this. The way I picture it is him bluntly asking that, perfectly serious. That is, of course, amusing to some degree when it’s done on purpose, but I don’t believe you intended this.
I just continued to stare at him before I said,"Uhh, ohhhhh kay, so now I'm officially dead and I'm imagining you or what?"
He laughed and answered me, "Or what. No, my dear boy, you are not imagining me and you are certainly not dead. See, your old friendly chaotic neighbor is here to ask you something. What's the thing that all living creatures do to survive?" He asked.
Seeing as my feelings in regards to how your character responds to Discord’s appearance are a bit of a mixed bag, even though you did imply he was jaw dropped, and that if one were dying I can’t imagine they’d really have a freak out in reaction to what they assume to be a hallucination, I won’t complain about this bit too much. I will make the comment that what I have substituted reads more like what you were likely aiming for here, seeing as “oook” reads more like monkey noises.
However, he should have had some sort of reaction at this next bit, considering Discord denied he was a hallucination. He should have made some form of denial, even if it was merely mentally. This whole interaction is somewhat unrealistic and it impacts part of the story, but what is more detrimental is exactly how Discord phrases this.
Discord is acting entirely too rationally for his character in this scenario. It’s not entirely out of character, as Discord has been serious in the show at times, but in this situation, it is. What is happening here is that Discord is going to cause chaos and as opposed to acting like, well, Discord, he’s acting more like a different Displacer. It seems unnatural and frankly doesn’t really work well.
Furthermore, I realize you needed a method to link this to the franchise you chose, but the way you do it is more harmful to the story than beneficial, seeing as it changes how a canon character is viewed, and really downplays what is happening. The fact of the matter is that this entire introduction, which really should’ve been a prologue, is playing with the sandbox too much.
"They evolve themselves, so they can survive better and better," I answered. He looked at me and then he grinned with a look of satisfaction.
"Then you won't have a problem with becoming the best at that, would you?" He said in a low voice. He snapped his paw and after that, nothingness.
This bit here isn’t quite as questionable, seeing as we know very little about your character and how he acts, so it’s well within reason that he responds this way. However, I believe this is where the issue with your first language comes into play, but I also have suspicions you might have the wrong idea. 
Speaking in proper terminology, evolution is not a conscious decision by an organism. Most evolutions are based on a mutation that was in some way beneficial to the organism at the time it happened. So, either way, I’ll offer the correction because even if it’s said like this in the franchise, it’s fooking wrong m8. “They adapt to survive, better and better.” Or something would make more sense.
Really again I have to say that you keep telling what is happening far too bluntly, and the fact the character answers this question so easily and quickly is kind of ridiculous. Assuming that Prototype doesn’t exist in this world as the foundation, and everything in it doesn’t happen here, we can’t assume if this is a quote from the game, that he would know it. Even if he does, you make no indication he’s familiar with Prototype yet.
And then we proceed to how you phrase what happens, and the actual events of how Discord reacts to this. There’s no surprise to the fact that Discord looks at him, though I feel as if he should have been looking at him already when he was answering. Again, a grin is also no surprise considering he likely just happened to give him the exact answer he was looking for, which explains the look of satisfaction. However, the order given messes with this. He really should have given the satisfied look first and then grinned.
But what we have next really makes this obvious and provides yet another instance of an out of character Discord. Interpretations of a character are indeed fine, so long as you do not drift too heavily from their character. This is clearly a Discord acting this way because plot devices and convenience demands that he do so. The sentence is also suggest at what is going to happen next, which is admittedly a good thing as it provides mystery, despite the summaries informing us what will happen anyways, and motivates people to continue reading.
What Discord does he really messes with the mental image I am getting simply because of how it’s phrased. Him snapping his paw sounds like he just straight up, completely emotionless, broke or snapped his paw like a twig and did absolutely nothing. Discord straight up became a total boss for a solid second, but it’s also kind of cringeworthy doing that. A paw honestly wasn’t the best choice, in terms of anatomy, for snapping. A claw is far more suitable and likely easier to snap in the way you would your fingers.
And…Scene! What happened here is what nearly every Displace author ever does, but that doesn’t mean it’s a problem. The problem is that they simply fall unconscious then and there, they don’t pass out slowly, or immediately shift to somewhere else. There isn’t a problem, it’s just been done so much it becomes commonplace and boring to read over repeatedly. Another problem is the transition, something happens and the character drops like a bag of bricks. It’s immediate and too much so.
DISCORD POV
It's done I did it! You can try to kill me Celestia but chaos never dies. Let's see how good you are against something that not even you can predict hahahaha!
"Discord. It's time," said an old voice with a kind yet authoritative tone.
"Yeah yeah I know big guy. I know." Good luck Philip, you are the only one that can save Equus from destruction now.
Considering what is here is this entire POV shift, this could’ve been presented in a different manner or even left out, seeing as the element of mystery it provides could be brought up later in the story to help keep people reading. I can understand why you did it now, you wanted mystery, but a vast majority of the people reading these fics and staying with them are the same ones that read most of this. You should satisfy them, but you can also assume a lot of your readers will stick around especially if you do things right. Some people will read a bit and quit before they even get here. A large number of those who do get here that quit won’t even care about this bit.
That being said, this next bit, clearly Discord’s thoughts, is the only thoughts you’ve formatted in a different manner the rest of the text, unlike earlier. Simply put, you’ve identified, to some degree, that active thoughts require some sort of identifying marker, but you’ve really only done it here as of yet. The content is of course that sense of mystery, which is good, but there isn’t enough here to really push your readers to wonder what’s going on here and stick with the story to learn.
I’m also going to question why Discord considers Phillip something even she can’t predict, considering that from what most of us would know of Celestia, she’s not some master strategist or super genius. She is a ruler and a power alicorn, but there’s nothing in the show as far as I am aware to indicate her having these powers of prediction. If there were a backstory, it would be a good idea to have provided it prior to this.
At this point, with what has been given so far throughout this story, the old man telling Discord it’s time doesn’t really concern me as the immediate thought on what he means is that they must leave. You haven’t given anything to make me wonder why he’s there, if anything it’s been made obvious, he had Discord displace Phillip. Why, because he has to Save the Cheerleader to Save the World.
What is being done here is making the entire reason the character is going to Equestria, which could have been a big mystery in the beginning of the story, utterly obvious. You’ve answered a question that, from a story telling standpoint, would’ve been better left unanswered until further down the line. You’ve given us something of interest, wondering why Equus is facing destruction, but again. Had you not said he was there to save the world, you could’ve left that out and went an even longer time without answering this.
It is detrimental to the story to have the reader know this and the have them sit through the character learning it. It becomes inherently frustrating when the character missed some obvious clue or something to indicate what the reader themselves already knows. It’s like playing a DnD game where you already know everything about the campaign, and you simply have to get to the end. Meta-knowledge is a massive detriment to the story and as such, if you ever rewrite this, I suggest dropping this bit entirely for the time being.
Furthermore, what Discord thinks in the first paragraph and the last of this point of view change completely contradict one another. In the first you make it seem as though he is attempting to mess with Celestia. This makes sense with Discord’s character and would still make sense as a reason to Displaced him. For crying out loud, if you used this you could have even had the prior scene simply be him messing with your character.
The second thought process completely wipes that possibility out and makes it seem like Discord cares immensely about whether or not Equestria is destroyed, despite the fact that we have no idea when this Discord came from. Why would Discord, prior to reform, even care about the fate of Equestria? He loves chaos, so as long as he can still cause it, the fate of the world would mean nothing. It might be harder for him to make chaos, but you’ve also made it clear that he can go other places. Character wise, this scene has too many holes.
PHILIP POV
Dark, darker, yet darker. I can't see anything but I can hear...voices? No, not exactly voices… more like thoughts but they are not thoughts either. Strange...I'm dead? No I'm not, I don't know how I know this, I just do. I feel something new. I try to open my eyes to see and indeed I see something, some kind of green liquid surrounds me. I can watch outside and if I wasn't paralyzed I would certainly have jumped all the way to the roof. They...They are ponies?!
Honestly this little tidbit regarding the darkness isn’t really necessary. Yes, it tells us he cannot see anything but that can be done in a myriad of ways. Simply having him comment that he can’t see anything, or wondering if he is blind now, would work far better than this repetition you have going here.
And the fact you mention the darkness makes the following comment that he can’t see anything completely and utterly pointless. You do not need to repeat something in normal writing. There are certain styles where it’s fine and certain scenarios, but this is not one of them. That being said, were you to rewrite this, I would not remove this bit, but instead the “Darker” bit.
And then you mention how he can hear voices, which is so far the only sensible thing done in this paragraph seeing as it informs that despite his lack of eyesight, something does seem to be happening around him. It would have been far better to actually have whatever the voices are saying in the story, but I digress.
And then you kick sensible to the curb like a guy who peaked in high school and married the cheerleader does with his health. You went from a reasonable looking bit to something that people are ashamed to associate with, even if that don’t say it. You attempt to say the voices speaking are thoughts, and then you say they are not thoughts. There’s nothing else they could be, thoughts and voices are the only things that make sense. Let me make a clarification.
Thoughts are the ideas and reactions that go through the mind in a given scenario, they allow people to react and are not something you can hear or make out in real life. In fantasy, mind reading or telepathy makes that obsolete but the fact remains that hearing thoughts would be the same as hearing voices, in a sense. Thoughts wouldn’t have sound, no, but it would be difficult for someone who doesn’t know they are mind reading to tell the difference.
Comparatively, voices have sound and are easily differentiated from thoughts seeing as they can be heard. A thought may be spoken aloud, but thoughts have a tendency to go off on tangents. Thus, you have been given a moment for setting, but it’s not played through well and becomes a confusing wreck seeing as these are the only two things it could be, but you say it isn’t.
And then you refuse to clarify on how they aren’t either one. I do realize English is not your first language, but the matter remains that, if you aren’t sure how to tell the difference between two ideas, you can speak to someone or look it up. Translating these words into your first language and then differentiating them could also be done.
Nonetheless, as I have said before, I shall do so once more. GET AN EDITOR AND DO NOT USE THE READERS! You are inherently harming your story by relying on a crowd that cares little about errors on the average and thus pushing people who might have actually helped away.
To those of you who do not have an editor and are new to writing, do not make this mistake. A lot of people will, but it’s going to hinder your improvement seeing as you have little to base what you do off of. An editor can be a massive boon and if they’re willing to work with you, you may be able to improve their skill as well by giving them practice and it can create a bond with that person so you two can work well together.
An editor is, in all senses, nearly essential for new writers and people of different languages.
As for his comment and how he is thinking, that in itself is not necessarily a problem, but again, I would like to point out that you can find a different way to do most of this seeing as simply putting forth his thoughts like the background and main part of the story is a poor decision. What you did in the section prior to this is really what you should do, seeing as active thoughts can be used far less than you are doing, and passive thoughts used to describe the environment can be more valuable to the story.
The problem with this little bit in terms of plot line is that you’ve given us little in the way of what he feels like and what he senses beyond voices/thoughts/something else as well as darkness. Instead of building a setting and making a transition for the shock and awe factor better, you are simply telling us exactly what he thinks, which I have said before, but I believe I need to repeat seeing as this is prevalent in this work so far beyond anything else. Story progression in the first person perspective does not require an active thought to move forward. And, even worse is that how you project his thoughts.
Your story is placed in the first person past perspective, that is to say you are telling this story as if this has all already happened. Writing in this form is a lot like someone would write in a journal or diary and while mentioning hindsight and such is not something you should do constantly, doing it here and there can flesh out the story and make it seem as if it’s being told by the character in question, seeing as that is what you are doing.
What you’ve done is put forth the character’s thoughts in a present sense, as if his thoughts are happening in the present despite the fact the story is told the way it is. This is not a huge mistake, but it can easily be rectified by changing exactly how you present the thoughts and removing the overwhelming presence of active thoughts. Simply put, you need to adjust the thoughts as opposed to the story itself.
Writing in the first person present perspective can be difficult, that is to say, really really difficult for a new writer. You have to keep the thought process that this is happening and you’re telling it right as it happens. Writing in first person past is considerably easier for a newer writer and is far more common, therefore easier to learn about.
And then we have what seems to be this odd and strange moment of intuition from the character with little reason or explanation for this occurrence. He knows for a fact he isn’t dead? How does he know this, is he intimately familiar with what comes after death? Inherently this is a strange and oddly befuddling moment in the story that, while acceptable, could like many other things simply be shown or given away easier.
The reason I say this is that this moment of intuition hurts the flow less than the majority of what has actually happened in the story as of yet, which is inherently surprising as the flow and pacing of the story are so far off the rails that they’ve hopped onto another track leading in the exact opposite direction through some means of magical reality bending mindfuckery.
Which brings to point that the flow of this story isn’t as so far the worst, it still flows naturally with the context and overall state of the story well enough I wouldn’t consider it the most detrimental thing to the story itself, but again, that doesn’t mean it has been done well. Simply putting it, the flow does not work well with reading the story, it forces you into certain thoughts and ideas as opposed to naturally and smoothly directing you to them.
A strictly controlled flow can be good in certain story scenarios, such as a retelling or autobiography, but it does not sit very well in the realm fiction. This of course brings forth another set of problems with the story, and that is that the pacing controls the flow of the story just as much as you have done. By giving the story a pacing so fast, literally comparable to a bullet train, you’ve corralled the flow and events into jumping and therefore lacking.
In nearly every scenario, a faster pacing can be one of the worst detriments to a story. Just as a slower pacing can push readers away by forcing them to hold back for entirely too long and killing off interesting, a faster pacing pushes them away by giving too little time to let their minds wander and come up with ideas about the elements of the story, which means they never develop an interest for anything seeing as they are told moments after it comes to mind.
In the brief moment of intuition, you explain the reason for how he knows this and it’s one of the most overused and common mistakes that can be made in a story. You explain he just simply does, he knows this for no actual reason, there’s no conflict and no emotion to this brief moment, nothing to create and form this character as anything more than a cardboard caricature that you’ve presented to us.
Which brings me to another issue with how this story is coming together, the character development. A static character development can work in some scenarios, examples that come to mind are one shots or shorter works. Static development, like many things, is not an issue in and of itself, but rather how it is used. Background characters can be static, they aren’t a central focus to the story. However, your character, Phillip, is.
I do not example dynamic development immediately into the story, not in the classic terms one may thinking of at least. I expect to be given the character and have him created and presented through the story to us, not to be told everything about him down to the type of underwear he prefers and what color crayons he preferred when he was six. Here’s a hint, he preferred the purples ones because the blue were too tart.
But what continues the travesty that is this paragraph in particular, which really shouldn’t be a single paragraph, is that in order to move the scene forward you put forth that he feels something new. You don’t explain what it is, you don’t give us a presentation of him noticing it, you again have him tell what exactly happens.
Of course, herein, another problem lies. Yet again you’ve split the story and the character’s thoughts into separate tenses, but you’ve done so in such a way that you’ve changed the tense of the story for this brief moment and once more changed the flow in a ridiculous way. It’s likely getting annoying that I’m repeatedly mentioning this, but like I have said, this problem is everywhere in this story, it’s akin to finding termites in one corner of the house. They are in way more places than you expect.
The problems, of course, continue seeing as while you elected to tell that he felt something new, you never actually said anything about what it was. This, from what I can, tell may soon be your first attempt at showing something in the story itself but nonetheless you’ve done it wrong. Giving no details here might hold interest long enough to read the following sentences, but that interest will not hold anyone. It’s a minor amount of wonder about something that explain seconds later, which is common in a story.
The decision you made is not inherently a bad one, explaining everything is a bad course of action and it seems you realize that in some form, unconsciously. However you seem to have confused when and where to do this. This event, this feeling he gets is, as a whole, completely irrelevant to the story, it is a minor detail that won’t come again. A similar event may happen, but this one is useless information.
Providing this information was not a bad decision either, seeing as descriptions are necessary but it’s also presented in a way that actually tells us less about the situation than it would have without it. He feels something new which is not explained or described in any way, thus meaning that this little attempt at description does not become a description of events and instead becomes a meaningless riddle that cannot be solved.
Another issue with this is that you have continued with the first-person present tense and as such continue to derail the flow of the story and overall sense it has. The story itself starts out in a past tense, which is how it should continue, and thoughts should be affected as well. I won’t even bother to repeat myself about this issue as I’ve repeated it multiple times. Nonetheless, the point is that these sudden changes of tense are jarring.
The fact he tries to open his eyes and immediately manages to make the first half of this sentence obsolete. There is not point in mentioning the fact that he tried, seeing as he succeeds. Certainly, it means that you’ve provided some information on his actions, but that does not mean the information is even needed. Much like earlier, when you provided us with the fact he felt something new, this information is not needed. It’s not a bad decision in providing it, it’s the delivery.
I can see that a lot of what you’re writing so far flows like an exposition dump to justify various other aspects of the story and I have to say it’s disappointing. The reason I review the first chapter alone is because that is the one that impacts the views of readers the most. Make the first chapter an uninteresting and unnecessary exposition dump is not just bad, it’s rude to your readers.
Many people will continue on past this, just to see if it stays this way, but nonetheless the fact you’ve made them wonder about that is the most damage you’ve done yet. This story is, at its heart, not a bad idea, it’s simply been poorly executed. I’ve attempted to address primarily the plot issues so far, but the terrible quality of grammar leaves just as much to be desired. I have since ceased fixing these issues beyond minor things, seeing as it changes the quality of the story in the people who read this review.
The simplest matter is that I would recommend you keep on experimenting and learning, especially by working with other people in order to improve your sense of plot. The grammar issues are just as necessary to fix but working with an editor and improving your grasp of the language should fix most of them.
That said the phrasing used here is questionable, seeing as “Indeed I see something” is literally the same as “I see something” except for the addition of a word that doesn’t need to be there. Bolstering your word count can be done in ways that are smoother and improve the story. Which of course is not a necessity if you improve upon pacing and flow. I highly recommend you read some of the exceptionally well rated Human in Equestria fics to get a sense of this.
And what he have here may in fact may be the very first instance in this paragraph where I don’t have a problem with either how it’s described nor really how, it’s presented. Certainly it lacks some description but this is somewhat forgivable in the scenario seeing as the missing information can be provided in previous sentence about what he felt. Again, I direct you to the fact that descriptions are heavily missing from this story and could improve it considerably alone.
Which is another point where having someone to work with could greatly improve your ability to get this across through the language barrier. An editor would be able to tell you what it is you mean in English while correcting what you might present incorrectly. Naturally by doing this you learn and would be able to improve.
I highly suggest that you return to this chapter awhile after having gotten the editor and spent time working to improve, seeing as you can rewrite it to better the story.
While this is a thought, it’s presented easily enough and could simply be formatted as such or changed, with a mere few letters, to describe. That being said, as I have suggested numerous things already this is one that you could easily fix or even leave if you changed the formatting of thoughts. It’s, frankly, not an issue that would affect the story as a whole. Do what you will with this feedback, an editor would likely be a better help.
But this following bit is where my complaints about description really come into play, for several reasons. You present us with an event that, when considering the lack of context may not make any sense seeing as the green liquid is not described. I assume you’re relying on the fact that most of your readers know Prototype, but seeing as I do not I shall address this. You have not told us how thick or viscous the liquid is, how green it is, or if it’s easy to see through it.
Of course, using what you have said here we can make the conclusion that he can see through it easily enough, but the issue is that we really shouldn’t have to make conclusions. Description is what provides information that shouldn’t be a puzzle to figure out and throughout most of this story a lot of the information becomes a riddle to figure out. This is a common mistake, but nonetheless one that needs rectifying.
For all the slack that the language barrier gives you, the further I read the more my opinion drops. Without reading further I can already say that the reason I reviewed this, it was submitted for Quality Works, is going to be a rejection. Despite that I should stop here, or should have earlier, I am going to do my best to review all of the story so you have something in way of feedback and might be able to use it to improve. And seeing as you did not ask for the review, I’ve elected to remain as civil as possible.
That being said, this story leaves a really bad taste in my mouth.
Now what continues to baffle me here is that the character seems to instinctively know they are paralyzed. Has he even attempted to move? As far as the reader is aware he has not and this means you’ve once more just given us information with no basis, yet we still have to accept it as truth because we’ve been told and not shown. We have no basis, so we must rely on what we’re told.
Now, I am not saying there is an issue with the character being paralyzed, though that isn’t the word I would use though it does fit. The issue is that the more I progress the more I see a favor being given to telling as opposed to showing and that is simply bad writing. The most important thing here is that you imply he cannot move, yet he cannot open his eyes. We also don’t know about the state of anything else. You don’t mention if he might be able to feel his arms and legs.
Believe me, I do not hate new writers, but that doesn’t stop you lot from pissing me off continuously with these ridiculous decisions. I completely understand why you would make them, I was new once, but nonetheless they’re utter nonsense. In this instance I would have used the paralysis to show in some sense if the character’s body might have changed in some way.
The fact of the matter is that you can’t argue out of this or give any sort of excuse, this is purely lazy writing. That is a problem with many new writers, however, because lazy writing is easy to do and far faster than putting in considerable effort. Some may argue that they put in effort, but the fact remains the writing is lazy, it doesn’t matter how many hours you put into thinking up the story for Sonic Junior, child of Naruto and Haruhi Suzumiya, god child of Superman, grandchild of the Avatar. Honestly, that is actually the problem.
You spend too much time focused on the character and what they can and will do, not into how you will explain and show how or why they do this. If you want to improve as a writer, drop the complicated backstory, drop the powers, drop anything overly abnormal, and try to come up with a story that creates the character you want. Try and bring them to that point, don’t start them there.
Or don’t, what would I know?
But whatever, back to the story. What continues after this absurd moment is that you say he would have certainly jumped up to the ceiling despite a few issues. The melodrama is not the issue but rather that you’ve played it off wrong, to start off. You’ve made it a little too literal in the way you’ve put it forth, which is ridiculous because this character was hospitalized. I understand that you want to make it seem shocking but it’s not played right.
Not only that but you’ve also dramatized it when it probably shouldn’t be, if we’re going off what you have established for the character. He seems only a little shocked by Discord and even remains calm, so why would he react so excessively when it’s mere ponies instead of a chimera looking demigod creature. Curiosity or interest would make more sense, if we go off that.
You could also change his reaction to Discord to keep this in character, but the point remains. This scene is off and doesn’t really fit with the sense you have been giving to the story. Honestly, I can’t tell you how to write your character, but any excuse you can make doesn’t make this better nor more sensible. They say write what you know, and while you might say you would be calm, realistically you wouldn’t be.
For this next point, I can say that you haven’t really played the shock factor to the degree you should have if you wanted a good one. When you say they’re ponies you’re again telling us, so it’s not played up to fit with the character’s reaction.
Of course, that’s by far not where the problem lies. You aren’t the only one who has done this, not even by a long shot. This is something the vast majority of fics on the site with this specific tag have done and, frankly, it makes people look like utter morons and is a conclusion that makes no bloody fookin sense.
The anthro tag.
You have tagged this story with anthro yet you have the character realizing that these are ponies when they’re humanoid? Who would actually draw that conclusion when the average person likely has never seen an anthro horse. Yes, your character being a brony could be an explanation, but pardon me for a moment.
This is absolutely, completely, utterly moronic for several reasons.
First off, your character being a brony is a cheap excuse for the plot to progress and for them to know that these humanoid horses are ponies of all things, despite having hands and walking on two legs. Really, if you wanted a shock factor, having him not know what they are would work leagues better.
And second off, the anthro tag is on average just an excuse for kinky fun times without making it feel like something is wrong because interspecies smex. This is not true for every single story, but that’s how the vast majority of writers have used this and I won’t lie that it has degenerated this story even more for me. The anthro tag and I do not have a good relationship.
Even if that’s not the purpose of it, the fact still remains that having someone know these are ponies is utter shite. It’s like an alien who has never been to earth, has never seen anything on the planet, knowing immediately that a rabbit is a rabbit despite the fact that rabbits don’t exist on their home planet. Honestly, do I even have to explain this any further?
WHAT?!
What the fuck, how? How can they...wait a second ponies don't walk on two legs, and don't have hands but the muzzle and the hooves are unmistakable. Discord threw me into Equestria the question is, why? And while I was asking myself all of this they noticed me.
How can they what? You have, at no point, in this paragraph or even the one prior explained what it is the characters are doing. This is a case of too much reliance on thought as opposed to description, and even more poorly so than typical to your story. In other places you at least give some semblance of context, whereas you simply ask how without any basis.
Once again, I will say that I understand that English is not your first language, but the issue herein is that this isn’t something that changes based on language. Plot creation and ideas do not change from language to language, merely the phrasing. I will commend you for properly formatting the thoughts, for once, but nonetheless some sort of explanation is needed.
I’ll reiterate, once more, that seeing as we have no context in regards to what the character is thinking that it makes no sense in any way. Certainly, a story should have mystery to it, but that does not mean the mystery should be why a character is thinking a certain way, or what is happening. The only cases in which this is okay are when the character cannot actively see what’s around them. Honestly the amount of thoughts in this make it too internally driven, seeing as we know about what’s happening in his mind than we do elsewhere.
Which brings me to the next point, his comment on how ponies don’t walk on two legs. This is a complete and utter no-brainer of a situation and ironically, would you look at that, he’s still not wrong because these are definitely ponies. Honestly, anyone should look at a bipedal pony and wonder if they’re on an LSD trip or something. You don’t say, “This doesn’t do this” you go “What the heck is THAT”.
Furthermore, this leads me to another conclusion about this fic that I was already suspecting to a degree earlier. The anthro tag here is used to make the character bond with ponies for a “Better” reason and to make the story itself longer in some scenarios. Notice the capitalization of the B there? That’s to represent the amount of bullshit in this moment. Sit back, take a deep breath, and bask in the fact that this actually fucking happened. Do you feel that? Me too, it’s called suppressed cringe. Don’t bottle it up too long.
“They don’t have the hands,” he says. “ThEy DoN’t HaVe ThE hAnDs”. Like, are we expected to not know what a pony is? Do you honestly think the average person on FIMFICTION.NET of all places believes that a bloody tiny horse has hands? The mental image alone of a pone having hands is ridiculous. You could have honestly said this in just about any other way, or left this bit out, and it would’ve been better.
But then, BUT THEN, we have this moment of pure utter sheer perfection, I say as my stomach attempts to consume itself. Really the question here is, how far away are they? Beyond a certain distance, and considering the fluids the character is in, how can he tell so easily? Well obviously it’s because of something that’s been explained to us and totally not something completely mysterious that happened behind the nonexistent scenes. That aside, he really shouldn’t be able to tell so easily from a distance through green liquid. There has to be stuff in his way, realistically.
Honestly, thanks for the information captain obvious. Granted, he says what we’re all thinking, and this is the only thought in this paragraph that actually makes sense in context, since he knows they’re pones. I do believe that it’d be smarter to have him figure it out once he escapes or is being transported, give us a sense of panic in the moment. This isn’t the worst choice you’ve made, not by a considerable distance, and frankly the bit that has the least issue in this paragraph.
*extremely loud gasp* Senpai noticed them!? Nonetheless we have yet another example of too much telling, I feel like a small child in kindergarten again. Except in kindergarten, I made mistakes on purpose, and the teacher actually put in an effort. Seriously, second language really isn’t an excuse at this point.
"Professor Becker! He’s awake!" Shouted a vanilla mare with a lab coat and a brown, curly mane.
Becker? Really? I thought.
"Really?" Said another voice, this time male. Becker, I presume. "Finally. Quick, tell the princess about this and prepare test chamber number 8"
*Midnight shuffles through papers for a minute* Here it is, just what I was looking for. This right here is what we call a complete and utter “What the SHIT” moment for various reasons. Perhaps I should start by pointing out that typically researchers often have the credentials that mean they’re often a Doctor, a professor is usually a person who teaches and has a doctorate or something of the kind, not a researcher. Even if the franchise you’re pulling from says he’s a professor, you need to reestablish that for your readers or establish it anew since this isn’t the same guy.
First of all, it’s entirely fine to call him a professor if he actually is one but titles like that have certain requirements in order to actually be used. It may be different in porny *coughs* pony, world, but the point remains. As far as I can determine, Professor doesn’t work. Even the name is off considering the world you’re going in to. Most ponies have names like “Starlight” “Daisy” or “Dat Ass”! Okay, that last one was a joke but the point remains, Becker is not a pony name, it might be a griffin one but you’ve established he’s a pony.
What really pisses me off here, however, is that you’re clearly pushing elements from the original franchise, by that I mean Prototype, into Equestria as if it was already there. This is, normally, perfectly acceptable but the fact you’re pushing it so blatantly and using it as a means to progress the story means you honestly have no idea what you’re doing here. I can literally feel the gears in my brain grinding to a halt and screaming for you to pause for just a minute.
And that’s without me addressing the whole, this story is actually anthro bullshit going on. Honestly, I have no idea how this garnered so many views at the piss pour level of writing. I’ll let the grammar and spelling issues pass, but…Yeah, no. Seriously, this is ridiculous. It’s written like the character forced himself to go heavily cross-eyed after taking some LSD then looked at someone who did body paint and said “Daz pony!” And not a single one of the perfectly sane, perfectly sober people argued it.
Vanilla!? That sounds delicious, I can’t believe there’s a horse made out of vanilla! Nonetheless, to remain serious now, this bit is… acceptable, description wise, even if it does ignore the anthroism going on in the story.
No issue with his thoughts, though you seem to have correctly formatted once more, though it remains painfully uncommon for you to do so.
ThIs TiMe MaLe because apparently that needed to be specified directly as opposed to shown or something through words, what do I know though, it’s not like I’ve been writing for years in this genre so whatever. And then he proceeds to PRESUME it’s Becker even though it’s as obvious as a billboard on the highway that hints at something mildly sexual. That being said, I have to question several things about what he says.
Starting off the board is why she needs to tell the princess, or how this assistant mare can contact the princess. I’m going to draw some assumptions here really quick; Becker gets funding from the royalty and as such has to remain in contact with them. This means that he has to report on his projects and under the assumption he does that, we can assume one of two things will be happening next. Celestia frees our main character, who I’ll call Don’tStopCan’tStop for the time being, or, he escapes before she arrives an goes on some stupid adventure of some sort and recruits ponies to his side. I suppose Celestia could also be a crazed xenophobe or some crap, but eh.
My best question here is why he even bothers informing her about this whole situation, most scientists wouldn’t in this kind of scenario and it could be used as a plot device of some sort. Nonetheless, this happened so I’ll just try and get on with the story despite this crap.
Test chamber? I feel the tank I'm inside shifting and moving and I can see they are transporting me away.
You remember how I told you that I love MLP? Forget it! On the way for the test chamber I saw horrible things.
A long line of cells filled with ponies in chains, some without fur and some with disfigured extra limbs, some with fangs too long to be useful.
Are you actually serious right now? Are you ACTUALLY serious? He questions the existence of a test chamber but at no point does he question why he’s in a tank filled with green liquid? He doesn’t question why there’s a research lab outside of his tank? None of that, he just questions a test chamber? Better yet, can I just point out that had he questioned these things his reaction to the test chamber would be less “Hol up, what?” and more “Oh dear god why”, can I do that? I’m doing that, I’m questioning it. I’m locking it in the chamber. We’re gonna do good cop bad cop routine and figure this shit out.
And then there’s the next bit which holds so little emotion I find myself asking if this is really an evolution based lifeform or if it’s just a delusional robot intent on fucking a horse or something. Honestly, you’ve done so much telling that if you walked into the ghetto they wouldn’t bother to question what you had done, they’d give you stiches anyways because they’d just be able to sense it.
“They are transporting me away”? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I’m done, I’m moving on before this shit gives me an aneurysm.
You remember how I told you I’d give some leeway? Forget it! The sheer level of garbage in the plotline of this story is amazing, it’s like looking at that island made of trash. Before you ask, yes, I have seen England so I can say that. That being said, I’m not sure how I can really point out what’s wrong her except the thought formatting is still wrong and really this next line is unnecessary or placed wrong, depending on how you feel about it.
Cells, cells, they’re made of organelles! The mitochrondria is the powerhouse! Some other biology facts I’ve never used before! That being said, it’s fairly obvious what kind of cells these are but I do have to question why they have prison cells and not other tanks or something. This isn’t the SCP Foundation, is it? I could be wrong, I guess, but nonetheless.
I would say that what you’re describing is disgusting, if it weren’t for the lack of detail and the fact the writing is comparatively worse. Honestly, just picturing these monstrosities is actually helping me at this point because I’ve wanted to slam my head into the desk for half of this review and I flat out can’t believe I’m still going, but hey, might as well go all out if I’m gonna do it anyways.
I then arrived at a gruesome, revolting scene. A group of three ponies almost unrecognizable with no fur, no mane, muscles could be seen beneath their skin with big gross veins. They had clawed fingers and were festering with the blood and interior of another pony, a light grey stallion with a green mane with no clothes, this one was chained by his hands to the ceiling.
And it was alive.
…Is this what you call a description? Big gross veins? Hold on a second, are you like twelve or something? If so, I’m sorry. If not, what the actual fuck are you doing here? Like seriously, the way you’ve described this is as hairless anthros as buff as Bulk Biceps. That’s all I’m getting and frankly, I can come up with worse in a fraction of second. Honestly.
The other question is how they’re unrecognizable to the character as he’s never met them before, or does he mean as ponies because honestly you just made it seem as if he knew they were ponies anyway which makes this a pointless statement. I digress because honestly, I don’t particularly care anymore.
And then we come to quite possibly the most bizarre and confusing part of the story. The claws? Okay I can understand that, I can picture these hairless anthros having claws or something, easy peasy. No, what absolutely baffles me is what on this blue marble you mean by festering with the blood and interior of another pony. Okay, they’re covered in blood? Alright, but what in the nine hells does interior mean here? I can see it as a language issue, which makes me question why no one has mentioned it before. Do you mean innards? Entrails?
At this point I don’t think you understand basic biology if you do, because assuming he’s been split open enough to spill his organs out onto a group of horses from the ceiling, then he should have died a long time ago. Unless there’s some sadistic magical force keeping him alive, it doesn’t make any godsdamned sense. At all. Nope, nada, zilch.
Moving on!
The screams. God the screams were horrible. I couldn't believe it. How? What sick person could do something like that? But the worst part was that I didn't feel repulsed, yes it was horrible to see and hear but I wasn't feeling sick or disgusted.
I was feeling hungry.
Don’t you know, Don’tStopCan’tStop? It was actually you all along. You did this! You did this because Twilight stole your Game Boy Advance Sp Blue Edition along with it’s copy of Super Maario. You decided to take your revenge and went back in time to become Professor Becker, the very man who sends you off on your journey!
Ironically, that joke told a better story than this has so far, didn’t it? But what really gets this bit going was the fact that he was feeling hungry from this for some stupid reason with no context to it if you don’t know Prototype, I’m guessing.
Frankly, I get you’re going for a shock factor but the fact the writing here is utter crap just makes me nod my head disinterestedly. You could literally have him start nomming on these horses in the next paragraph and I’m not sure I feel invested enough to care. The shock factor is heavily diminished when you ditch descriptions, just so you’re aware.
Personal conflict happened, though, so good on you for some attempt at what may possibly be character development or something in the future. Despite the level of description rivalling a children’s book, I can at least understand the character’s disgust because I’ve elected to substitute as necessary as long as I’m reviewing but most won’t bother.
"NO. nononononono. I can't feel hunger at that display I just can't, it's inhuman. What's happening to me? Why I'm not freaking out? At last, we arrived to the test chamber and I felt the liquid drain away and found myself falling.
I landed on my back and as I try to move this time, I succeed. I try to stand, but it seems I'm a bit rusted and I fall on my face, strangely with no pain.
Yay, proper formatting again, woohoo! I have to question where this emotion, or attempt at it was way earlier in the story because I feel like I’ve been following robot all this time. The few times you’ve attempted to show emotion in the text either haven’t worked or didn’t properly convey what you meant.
What bothers me here is that he’s so concerned with his humanity and seemingly hasn’t noticed the likely changes to his body that I’m guessing have happened. Of course he was in some sort of green goo so I guess it could have numbed him or something but I think liquid would make any changes even more noticeable. Whatever, because you haven’t told us anything in regards to this.
The fun part is, he is indeed freaking out and it’s less over what he expects it to be and more so over mental changes that frankly make absolutely no sense. Unless his physique and the structure of his brain had been fundamentally changed, it wouldn’t make sense for how he thinks to change like this but whatever, I guess magic or something.
What I have to question is why if he can’t feel his body, as I’ve presumed because I can’t remember him mentioning sensing any part of it, he can sense the liquid draining? Honestly, there’s so little detail here I should just stop questioning it or I’m going to go completely insane just contemplating it.
How did he know it was a test chamber, did it say the name of the room on the door or something? Better yet, why does this tank have a window or whatever on it, it doesn’t make any sense. Then he proceeds to fall, as if the tank was a fair distance off the ground for some incomprehensible reason which I assume is magic and they’re levitating it but, again, whatever.
What in tarnation do you mean rusted? Is he actually a robot like I’ve suspected the entire time throughout this story? If so, finally some plot twists! The no pain from falling on his face bit doesn’t bother me after all this I’ve read now.
My head is starting to hurt and this is already my longest review of all time so I’m done now because I’m starting to no longer care. This story needs several editors and just…
Midnight out, peace.
21 Pages, 11,000+ Words.
My God dude you didn't have to do this, I'm sorry you had to get a headache out of this really but look at the good part you made a new record!
In all seriousness though I thank you for this, one thousands thank you about being blunt and explaining where my errors lays in the story. The story was born in a simple afternoon in my home without a thought or a care so I wrote it without thinking. Now though I will rewrite this chapter and probably the others too to see if I can improve it. Again thank you for your time and dedication.
4964710
I actually almost cried reading your response because this took me weeks to do.
4964733
No problem good work must be praised and bad work (my case) must be corrected. I re read the chapter and I cringed so I can't imagine what you passed while doing it. Anyway I thank you once again for this it won't be wasted I will do better so thank you!
Okay, I'm only here because I saw the review posted in the Barcast (for some reason).
I'm sure you've given much insight in this review, but do you want to know what immediately turns me off as I scroll down the page? It's too long.
This is coming from someone who has critical experience and has written long reviews in the past and has learned from them the harsh way. This is far too tedious for me to read and therefore not worth my time. Unless you were some critical god that would be able to give advice that's 100% helpful to everyone, I don't care for reading this.
That's not saying you're bad at what you do because you make it long. Just you can make it shorter. You can still be insightful and short. But if you still want to write your reviews long, it'll be easier if you cut them up and publish them in parts. Not parts so short that you're posting millions at a time, just three to four simple parts would do. Maybe then I would actually care for what you have to say.
4965328
It was posted in the Barcast because I got permission from one of the mods there. Nonetheless, this review is so long not because I was planning on making it so, but due to the number of issues I found as I went through. You're lucky it's only as long as it is, I didn't even finish the first chapter.