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Handyman


I don't know what you're talking about, I've always looked like this.

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Oct
27th
2018

Where I've been lately. · 2:00pm Oct 27th, 2018

In short: crippling depression, spiralling anxiety and a whirlwind of bullshit have kept me from talking to you all.

Alright that's nothing new, if you've read some of my more open post about whats been going with me for the past three years, that won't surprise you. The reason why I don't post about it more often, or more explicitly lay out what is going on, is because I am an intensely private person. I have been dealing with depression for about 14 years, and while I am not going to be casting aspersions on what anyone else is going through, I am a man and an Irishman, you just deal with it and move on and that's all that can really be said about it. I know that is not always healthy and I know there is a mental health problem in Ireland these days, especially with young men (I also now have valuable insight into the matter and I can tell you, most of the concern and the suggested solutions, while possibly, well meaning, are bullshit and do not account for the actual needs, psychology and actual causes for the suicidal depression affecting many young men in my country).

Its just the last three years have been such a calamitous shitshow of converging exterior and interior factors that contributed to a near psychotic break (and a definite bout of psychosis), it may not surprise you that I am a somewhat religious man, on top of that I am very interested in the political goings on of my country and the world at large. The issues of the Church, the reign of Pope Francis, the Lavender Mafia, the St. Galen Mafia and the whole rake of bullshit decimating my Church and its effect on my country, coupled with the spiralling problems in Europe at large took its toll on me. That may seem like a stupid thing to get upset about, and in truth its just one very visible part of the exterior influences on me, but when you've been losing battles all your life, taking a moral blow to one of your pillars of psychological support can be devastating, doubly so since I never had much going on in my personal life so my focus was always outwards, at least in this respect. To top it all off, I was in a losing battle with my own, increasingly cancerous and degredated coping mechanisms for my own psychological issues, (yes I have been a loner most of my life, yes I was bullied when I was younger, and yes I always kept my issues to myself and, in some cases, even solved them, again I just had to deal with it because frankly, that's just what I had to do), sure, talking helps sometimes, but not always, and not always as a man (I have found that I felt weaker, not stronger, by constantly talking about my problems in the wake of my collapse and found myself trying to project responsibility for my issues on other persons and phenomenon whereas before I had always attributed most of it to my own failings. Neither is healthy, but in my mind, one was worse than the other. Hence why I was so hesitant to share my fuckery on here. I needed to do something about it but found there was nothing to be done about it, the helplessness I felt made it all so much worse after a lifetime of trying to rely on my own ability, I had no friends and my family did not even begin to understand my problems, (in fact this all caught them by surprise) so talking with them would not have helped much more than them suggesting to me to go see a shrink. So of course, this took a toll on my job performance, eventually I fucked up, got fired (in a fucked up, dragged out manner it must be said, I fucking hate corporations) and so I lost my best paying job to date. And I have been unemployed since (Except that one time I got inducted into a cult for a week, remind me to tell you guys about that, that was a fucking adventure).

I have had absolutely no luck in finding a job, three years spent as the one thing I never wanted to be, a doler. No amount of mandatory skill classes, interview pointers, CV augmentations or experience got me a job, no matter how many interviews I got or how well I performed in them, or so it seemed. All the while, my stubborn pride insisting I could somehow control this descent making problems worse headwise, I am a somewhat proud person at least when it comes to that aspect of my personality, so you know, something of a blow to the ego. Eventually other things started going wrong, I started developing strange tics, my memory was being affected weirdly, I stopped laughing for a year (yes really) my imagination practically rebelled against me leading to a problem with involuntary thoughts which in turn lead to me being unable to sleep consistently. I had already had long running sleep problems, but this was a whole other level of hell I had never experienced, literally being unable to sleep without constant thoughts attacking me into a state of constant wakefulness, fear and baseless anxiety.

I was seriously beginning to lose my grip on reality as things went on and eventually, I caved, I went to a doctor, told him what was up, got sent to a psychiatrist and had my problems diagnosed (apparently they were surprised at my insight, well yeah no shit man, I had 14 fucking years to analyse my mental health through a self critical lens that didn't allow for blaming others, you start to piece shit together. It doesn't help because when mental health is involved, logic and reason can go and get fucked, which I learned from harsh experience) apart from helping put things into context, (oh by the by, on top of being proud, stubborn and Irish, I also had an irrational distrust of mental health professionals ever since I was young, I simply did not trust anyone whose job it was to poke around inside your brain and was convinced at least some of them would seek to manipulate me if I ever went to one.) he also finally, finally diagnosed why all this shit was happening, he figured out what, exactly was the problem I was having. So what was it? Schizophrenia? Dementia? GENDER DYSPHORIA!?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

I will preface that of all the possibilities I had considered, I never once considered it to be OCD. Oh yeah sure I knew I had it, I always had these tiny, obsessive little rituals that would change from season to season or year to year, that had no basis to them, logical or superstitious, and some I simply engaged in for the joy of it. I had no idea it was the secret monster that had a stranglehold on my psyche. I simply never considered it that major a threat because I was never on par with people who suffer from serious OCD problems. I even had the temerity to second guess my psychiatrist because I was convinced that could not have been it, but no, alas, a sperg was I.

So, I was assigned some antidepressent SSRIs (Seretonin reuptake inhibitors) for the depression, some sleepers to beat the shit out of my sleep schedule and some anti-psychotics for everything else and occasional touch-base encounters with some professionals to see how I progressed. And oh God, was being drugged up to the eyeballs one of the worst six months of my life. For starters, I will preface by saying yes, this helped, and yes I talked out my problems with the one friend I honest to God trust with my life (which I how I know talking too muh does more harm than help, at least for me) at least the anti-psychotics helped. Whatever was chemically wrong in my brain as a result of all of this, was slowly put back on track, but the SSRIs? Heh, here's a life lesson in anti-depressants kids:

Chemically unfucking your depression doesn't work if its not a chemical depression.

Yes there is such a thing as clinical depression, where you brain tells you to go fuck yourself and decides to put you in the dungeon for the rest of your life with you having no say in the matter regardless of your state in life. Yes antidepressents can help you recover in some cases of depression. But the simple fact is if your depression is not the result of a chemical imbalance in your brain to begin with, then like it or not, your brain is actually performing healthily, its something else, usually exterior or psychological, that is making you depressed and taking SSRIs can actually be harmful to you because you are intentionally creating an imbalance in the brain to make you artificially happy when the cause of your unhappiness is not physical. I actually, physically felt a change in how I thought about things and how my head felt after prolonged use of them, to the point I seriously did not feel like myself at all, and there is seriously nothing scarier to me than being changed into being another person against my will. And it seemed no matter how long I took them, this aspect of my health was not improving. So after six months I actually went cold turkey on them for a week (I seriously do NOT recommend you do this unless you are very fucking sure) to see what happened.

And it turns out I was mostly alright. Yes I still have strange tics and habits, yes I still have difficulty sleeping (seriously stupid difficulty, but at least it was not the insidious shit that nearly drove me mad before), but the worst of it is honestly over, the depression isn't, but I am slowly feeling more like myself as time goes by, it seems the anti psychotics actually did the bull's brunt of the work.

As you can guess, this fucking ruined my ability to work. I tried, I honestly did, writing and other creative works, but the end result was it simply didn't feel like I was writing, I even forgot how to at times, and sometimes forcing myself through it actually made things worse. I didn't keep you guys updated because I didn't have any good news, I didn't keep in touch with things other than writing (such as my Handyman can't Draw journals) because I simply couldn't produce them. I couldn't lose myself in music, games or other distractions because I simply didn't appreciate them anymore, I loved them but could not like them anymore, (I'm reminded of that 'everything is mashed potatoes' comparison some guy made when explaining why depression ruins everything you love for you), I couldn't lose myself in reading and so ended up reading less and less, I couldn't focus on what I was drawing and so drew less and less. My problems became the defining aspect of my life, every hour of every day and not even sleep was an escape because I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried, look beyond myself, nothing I did mattered, nothing I used to distract myself actually distracted me, and so I ended up eating food for the sake of eating and browsing endless meme dumps on imgur (because why not fulfil THAT stereotype as well) because quick and instant and endless diversion was the closest I could come to a distraction that let me escape my own misery. So its no wonder my focus, overall, suffered tremendously, as well as my physical health, to the point where I am now a broken, unemployable mess at the age of 28, having spent the last three years of my life spiralling out of control.

Like I said, I had no good news for you, I still don't, but that's whats going on with me and why I've been so silent for so long, I just don't want to share shit like this. Its also why I snapped at you guys in previous blogs and comments who said things along the lines of 'real life matters more, take as long as you need'. I knew that, I didn't need TIME I needed SOLUTIONS and there were none. I had wasted more than enough of my life on this crap and didn't want to waste another second, but I felt I had no real say in the matter.

Do you want to know what my real fear is? My real, honest to God fear, is losing control of myself. Controlling myself is a very high virtue as far as I am concerned, its why I never really drank because I was always afraid if I were to become drunk I'd be one of those losers who couldn't control themselves while plastered. Turns out I can actually handle my liquor fine (Thanks genetics), better than my brothers in fact and even my drunk self is surprisingly lucid and capable of rational judgements. Good to know I guess. But that said, I've effectively been living my own, tailor made nightmare for the past three years, where nothing I did mattered, I couldn't control my descent, and everything fell apart, it has been absolutely fucking horrendous. I do not know if I will ever be better again, I don't know what I am going to do for income in the near future (oh look at that, my thirtieth birthday is two years away and I've accomplished nothing with my 20s except debt and failure and fucking Burger King won't hire me. It's that comical. At least I'll have a house) nevermind long term, no I don't have friends, at least not here in Ireland, I don't know if I'll ever write again or if I'm even able to anymore, hell I can barely remember any of my ideas anymore. Like I said, I don't have any good news for you guys and I'm sorry about that. But at least now you know why I've been so silent for the past forever and why you've been waiting longer and longer between chapters.

Report Handyman · 1,565 views · Story: Bad Mondays · #WellThatsTheNews
Comments ( 53 )

Good luck, Handy. Maybe you'll get the mojo back some day. Just let us know you're healthy every once in a while okay?

Thank you for sharing, Handy.
Thoughts are with you.
Hold fast man, its not easy but I believe you can.

Wishing you the best of luck

I know you'll get back on your feet again, focus on yourself first not just your health man.
Anyway I suck at encouraging speeches and related motivational quotes. So here's an Irish drunk song that I keep close when days get dark.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13wEuXLk958

I don't what to say or feel after reading that, What you just wrote reflected stuff I've gone through personally (but you have it worse by a hundred fold compared to me.) and the only thing I can say is good luck and that we both are not that different in terms of what we've gone through.

sorry if I sound rude I'm not as good at words as you are.

Thanks for sharing that Handy, It must of been difficult.
I wish you all the luck and good health and that things turn out well for you

Take your time handy.
I’m no psychologist but I found that quick associative thinking helps me tire my mind and fall asleep when i think too much. It’s pretty simple, you simply have to think of something (i.e. a squirrel) then think about the first thing related to it (i.e. a nut) and then think about the next thing related to the second thing (i.e. the color brown) etc... The objective is to do it the faster you can without thinking deeply on anything. It may seems counterintuitive to think more when thinking is the source of the problem but most sleep preventing thoughts are also stressful and anxious while those thoughts are not. It’s also easier than trying to not think.
I hope it helped. I don’t think anyone can blame you for not writing, your health is more important. Take care.

Wow. Thank you for letting us know, I can't even imagine how hard it was to write that. OCD is and can be a crippling condition. A friend has it so bad in his garage every can HAS to have the label facing front. If you were to turn it a quarter, he'd freak. And he HAS to do his rituals. He HAS to. I don't have any solution or advice, only I'll pray for your health and strength to deal with this and I'll pray you can find a job you can like and do. Talking isn't weak or unmanly, but I know it can feel that way. Sometimes you just need help; we humans are not Atlas. We cannot bear the world on our shoulders alone. Please check in. Don't be one of these authors that just vanish and never return and we never know whether they lost interest and moved on or what. The anonymity of the internet can be both a blessing and a curse. Don't lose hope. My friend, despite his condition, is a successful business owner, husband, and father.

Well, shit. On the surface it sounds like you’re caught in a negative feedback loop. You fear losing control, this makes you anxious, this anxiousness negatively affect your performance, this negative effect on your performance fuels your fear that you’re losing control. Repeat.

I hope things get better for you dude.

Oh man, that's rough.

It sounds like the SSRI didn't do that much for you (other than giving you side effects). Be sure to tell your psychiatrist that your SSRI didn't seem to work and you had a lot of side effects. You could look more into that and get a genetic profile. I completed one (yay saliva and urine samples) and it turns out I metabolize a ton of medications inefficiently. I shouldn't take SSRIs for example as they would be completely inefficient. Or look into getting neurotransmitter testing. That will look into the amount of dopamine and serotonin your body currently possesses. Most substances prescribed for depression or anxiety try to increase the amount of neurotransmitters present by decreasing the uptake to have more "floating around." But if you don't have that much to begin with (or can't process very much due to a limited number of channels) those medications do not help as intended.

I've been through some pretty similar stuff recently. It sucks (it REALLY sucks), but I think that I'll be a stronger person for it. I hope you come out on top with this too buddy.

4958760
I have absolutely no intention of ever going back to SSRIs, before the whole downward spiral thing, I did cave in and try two SSRIs for my depression, both were heavy on the side effects and _none_ of the benefits. I might get a genetic profile done down the line (with the way the future is going, it definitely cant hurt to have a genetic record on file in my medical record, or it may be a terrible mistake because we're getting very close to 1984 in this part of the world, so who knows) but I am not going back to fucking with my brain beyond what is strictly necessary. As far as I know, even if they did have a genetic template, the chances are I'd end up on a battery of SSRIs until one 'worked' for me and it'd still be trial and error. And frankly, fuck that.

I do hope things get better for you as well, truly, I dont wish anything like this on anyone.

4958756
Thank you.

4958744
That's certainly a part of it, but it was multiple things happening all at once that really did me in at the end.

4958742
Its not that talking is weakness or unmanly, its just that it is sometimes unhelpful and usually its more unhelpful for men than it is for women and I experienced this first hand and am baring witness to the seemingly witless interpretation in the popular conversation here in Ireland that young men just need to open up more and stop worrying about their masculinity when it comes to their mental health. The mental Health industry here in Ireland simply just doesn't understand how men work or why we are the way we are, instead simply assuming we're somehow defective. While yes it does work for some men more than others, and for certain problems more than others, a lot of guys simply can't solve or deal with their problems that way, they need to do something about it, or at least be doing something at all. I appreciate your concern nonetheless.

4958741
I'm not sure how much that will help but I'll take it under consideration next time I am stuck wrestling myself to sleep. Thank you for the advice, I'll give it a shot.

4958740
Thank you.

4958739
Its fine, and thank you.

4958736
Heh, well they tried at least, thanks.

4958735
Thank you.

4958725
Thanks.

4958724
I'll try to keep you guys in the loop.

4958721
Thanks.

4958856
=]

D48

Damn, that really sucks. I've got a good friend with anxiety problems so I definitely know how bad this kind of thing can be, even if only indirectly. The thing that helped him most was identifying and attacking problems directly, coupled with some brutal honesty from me to point out when he was transferring problem patterns rather than actually dealing with them.

Unfortunately my only real advice is to talk with your shrink more to try to work through these problems as well as pass Porfiry Petrovitch's test thoughts along to him to vet and try whatever he thinks is appropriate. Remember, just because SSIs didn't work doesn't mean there isn't a drug that will work. The brain is an electrochemical machine, so if a major problem popped up as an adult like this it's very likely to be caused by some kind of chemical imbalance (as opposed to trauma or structural defects) which should be identifiable and treatable with the proper drugs. Just be aware that it might take a few tries to get right and you shouldn't let the failure of the most common solution discourage you. That said, you also shouldn't sit on a drug that isn't working for that long, so when you get a new drug to try, get a clear answer on when it should have worked by and set up an appointment then to check back in and make a decision on how you want to move forwards rather than being miserable for months on a drug that isn't working for you.

4958868
I guess I got lucky with my psychiatrist. He pointed out that my serotonin and dopamine levels were half of the lower limit of normal and said "let's fix that," while simultaneously pointing out that the medications typically prescribed would not do shit per the genetic metabolism markers. So he threw copious amounts of Kavinace and 5-HTP at me instead.

I don't know what I am going to do for income in the near future (oh look at that, my thirtieth birthday is two years away and I've accomplished nothing with my 20s except debt and failure and fucking Burger King won't hire me. It's that comical.

Glad to know I'm not the only one in a very, very similar looking boat. *sighs* Sorry, wish we could help ourselves.

Also, all of your problems aside, maybe you can start on a new story and think up new ideas? Always helps me when I'm stuck and have mostly all of the same issues that you've been going through. Not to trivialize your life or say it was exactly the same, but the more I read, the more it seemed like part of my life. :pinkiesick:

4958868 You'd be surprised just how easy something like that can become the center of your problems even though it may appear like just another symptom. In some cases it may even start as a symptom but It becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. I know this from experience.

Just look at the language you used

'My problems became the defining aspect of my life, every hour of every day and not even sleep was an escape because I couldn't' in other words you became obsessive compulsive about your problems. When you begin defining yourself by them you subconsciously sabotage any attempt to fix them.

case and point
'I don't know if I'll ever write again or if I'm even able to anymore. I can barely remember any of my ideas anymore.'

You've already proven this wrong with the previous chapter. A dumb question that needs to be asked is have you tried writing down your ideas? I'm honestly surprised you were not working from a pre prepared story bible all this time.

I won't pretend to know what is going on in your head but I do know that this kind of shit 'that really did me in at the end' won't help. If you keep telling yourself that you've got problems, that you're not good enough then it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy, but especially in cases like job interviews where you are trying to sell yourself to them. It starts to show in your mannerisms, the way you speak, and your body language, and they pick up on that. Hell, it's the kind of shit they're looking out for as part of the filtering process.

Glas to hear from you in any event. I want to offer an "amen" on anti depression meds failing when it's not a brain problem, but a environmental one. Misery is somthing our fellow youth celibate in tormenting further those that have it in every school system it seems. In my family there seems to be a dash of autism in the male line, just enough to make school and social bits hard before your fellow students daily down vote your existence in any way they can. You don't understand and noone could help as most were very far away from wanting to try. My son is in a better place than I or my male ancestors could ever be. I will remember you in my prayers, and if my president is the anti Christ as I expect (at least this generations as every generation seems to have one), then you know what follows. I did want to ask how good you were at Excel, because most of the office jobs in Chicago seem to have proficiency in that as a base point. I would invite you stateside for a job search but I don't have a house yet. School systems are tricky if you care where your kids end up in their earlier years. Your important all over the place and more. Please remember this.

....Screw it, you need this. *Rush up to hug Handyman* You need this badly...

Amen brother, nice to hear whats going on and that you're "on the mend" I guess is the best way to phrase it. I honestly can't completely understand what you're going through but can relate in certain aspects and I gather that while you need some support, its not in the same vain as others in your kind of situation which is the nature of the human mind. Not one person is the same as the other which is our greatest strength and greatest weakness as a species. I can personally relate to your mentality on the matter of mental health, born in england raised by a scottish and Irish family, mental health has never been something we address about ourselves and I saw the affect it had on my dad and his alcoholism when I was younger. The point of the matter being our kind of people are not taught how to deal with it and we suffer for it and we can't take external help because of it so we find out own outlets(usually in substance abuse) but as you made it clear, you have took the step to find something to help, but its still gonna take time which is understandable. So from someone who is emphatic to your plight all I can say is THANK YOU, for letting us in on this very personal matter that most in our shoes wouldn't dare consider for fear of looking weak which I hate myself for having to admit that fear is the main factor in this but by overcoming it I feel you've shown some of your true strength if you'll forgive the corniness. Bottom line is to do what you need to do to help yourself in as timely a manner as possible so you can tell yourself you did overcome your issues and you are better than the man you were yesterday and get to where you want to be in life.

Thank you I hope I understood this as well as I think I have and I've given some needed support.

Damn Handy, that's some heavy shit, yo.

Good call dropping the SSRI's, had a mate who was put on them and they did much more harm than good.
Unfortunately there's no exact science to mental health, as we all function differently. Seems like they just chuck drugs at ya till they find the ones that work.

As I'm not a psychologist I can't do much more than wish you good luck and hope you'll regain your interests. I would recommend trying to spend more time outside, maybe pick up running. I found just being more physically active had a positive effect on my mental well-being. That said, it's starting to get cold af outside now.

Rest assured I'll be thinking of you every time I login to this site, plenty of my favourite fics have suddenly died without the author saying a word. I appreciate you giving us all an update and I hope you'll start feeling better soon.

Damn. I'm not the best with words but I'm glad you're feeling up to telling everyone what's going on. That's some kind of improvement, right? I remember in highschool I went through a long period of depression. Man did it fucking suck, nothing but why's and when's and never any progress. I hated it so fucking much. I'd love to say I got over it somehow but in reality? It just kind of went away. You probably don't appreciate that as very helpful input, though.

I still get those thoughts in my head sometimes but I push em back down because I don't ever want those feels again. Stuffing isn't the best coping mechanism but it beats the alternative. I'm sure you know far better than I do how all that feels, and I wish I could tell you something that could help.

Nonetheless, keep on keeping on, handy. There's more living and loving left for you yet. 🙃

Depression bloody sucks. Have a friend that barely comes online nowadays, but at least managed to get him to see a doc as well. Us crazies will still be here, and maybe that one person that downvotes everything will come back. Best of luck to you, Handy.

Holy shite. And i thought my depression screws me over. Hang in there, bud. I hope everything gets even a little tiny itty bitty bit better. Or a lot better. Yeah, the second one. And remember, you are one epic human person, no matter what that inner fucker tells you.

Sorry to hear that. I’ll be praying for you. I’ve never personally dealt with depression, but my little sister has. She tried to commit suicide last year. She’s doing a lot better now.

My wife and I were reading a book recently that you might be interested in. It’s Switch on Your Brain by Dr. Caroline Leaf. She’s a Christian Neuroscientist who believes strongly in and has had great success with dealing with mental health issues by changing the way you think rather than relying on chemicals to do it. Like I said, I have no experience personally dealing with depression, but reading your post made me think of that book. It’s not a very long book, might be worth a shot. Worst case, you decide it didn’t help. A lot better than the side effects you were describing for some of the meds.

4958868
So, ah. Yeah. that uh genetic profile might be what you need. ask them to look for a MTHFR mutation. (best to google it)

I also am part irish 25% and my whole family suffers from depression from that mutation. and if you have a double mutation its worse.
and the solution is vitamins. b9 and b12 prolly some vitamin d for good measure. though the ones you'd need are not the more common types in multivitamins

prescription i follow is
Methylcobalamin B12 5000mcg
L-Methylfolate (deplin) B9 15 mg
D3 10,000 iu , depends on if you spend any time in the sun.

If thats not it well, May God be with you and bless you.

4960693
I doubt its a mutation. Since I am, thus far, the only one in my family with a mental health issue this severe, with no prior history on either side.

4960696
The single mutation isn't that bad, and if each of the parents have one you could have the double.

but yeah its unlikely with no other family having problems.

p.s. thank you for the vexxarr link, its great.

Comment posted by Thesandman888 deleted Oct 31st, 2018

Handy I commend you. You are a man like me where we are RESILIENT. While I live in the states I'm a half blooded Irish man and I was BORN IN IRELAND. You are mentally way better than me I'm a decade younger than you and I've suffered 3 mental/psycotic breaks all of which ended up with me in a hospital and then jail. If you want or need help make a patreon and well we might just be able to help you. While life is shitting on you and you don't have a umbrella to block that we the people of well insanity I guess are willing to help and prolly make a umbrella. Here's this even though it might not help https://www.irishjobs.ie
Also if you can smoke weed do so before your "bedtime" regardless of what anybody says it'll knock your shit out. If you can't have Cbd then focus on the thc strains then and vice versa. Best Regards fellow drunkard and lonely stoner Sandman

Reading the entirety of that, I saw myself. I'm 17. Thank you.

I don't want to be pushy but I am genuinely curious. Have you never wrote down your ideas for a story bible?

4960850
No honestly, I never did, I have been phenomenally successful at keeping ideas floating around until I need them rather than commit them to a determined Bible (Yes I know thats a terrible idea for most artists or creators on long term projects but its actually worked for me for Bad Mondays) previously, when I had other ideas I was invested in I tried writing shit down here and there and just ended up never actually doing the project. With Bad Mondays since it has really been mostly a learning experience from the word go, I have had ideas floating around I had been working toward that, for better or for worse, change as I am writing them, with the writing itself dictating the course of the story as much as my own forethought, which kind of lead to an awesome feedback loop wherein I was excited to write the story just to see where it would go. This has lead to the story veering completely off course from some absolutely woefully terrible ideas I had starting out. On the other hand it has lead to things like the Deer Arc/Greenwoods Arc, which people where happy with but with which I was absolutely furious with because I didn't get to show as much as I wanted to, the story lead away from it and I had to move on lest it get bogged down in there. Bad Mondays has, in a way, always been a collection of ideas I have been writing connections between and then building on the resulting bridges to see where it goes. It can, and has, lead to writing myself into corners, but that has more often than not resulted in a challenge for me to write myself out of them.

Its a haphazard process, I know, and unprofessional, but its worked for years. Of course the downside is I no longer have a script like bible to follow when shit gets tough like now when my memory isn't as reliable as it was, but if I did then the resulting chapters would come off rote and lifeless in all likelihood.

4960926 Well, at least the story isn’t cancelled outright. Still worrying how final your language is.

If it could help I’d be happy to read through it again and jot down potential plot points. Maybe it would help jog your memory? Feels more substantial than just saying 'best of luck' or 'hope you get better soon'.

Really wish you had a patreon account. You are an amazing writer, wish there was more I could do to help. Good luck and heres hoping things work out.

4961565 I'll take that as a no. Just hate knowing that things are shit and not being able to do anything to fix it.

4965720
I have actually had an ending in mind for Bad Mondays for years now, that was never the problem. The problem is I have never followed through and finished a personal project in my entire life. bad Mondays was honestly my best shot at finally doing so on my own terms. This has just prevented it full stop.

4965838 Remember what I said about self-sabotage and self-fulfilling prophesies?

4968186
I fail to see why my desire to make Bad Mondays the one project I don't give up on is a self fulfilling prophecy, given I literally have had a mental break down that has gotten in the way of it and everything else.

4968302 When you talk like it’s a forgone conclusion that you’ve failed and have given up on trying then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. From what you said about your creative process, even if you did remember every plot point perfectly there’s a very good chance that the story would have changed more than once by the time it was on paper anyway. But on the face of it you're stuck comparing what you haven’t even written yet to a version that doesn’t exist and you can’t even remember beyond a vague gnawing sentiment that it’s better than whatever you try and write now.

On august 18th you felt confident enough to say that the chapter would be up the following Monday. What made you change your mind?

4968378
Look, I get what you're saying about defeatist language but I dont think you're fully appreciated the problem I actually have here. I actively can not focus on what I am doing because my OCD actively interferes and takes over, first as gnawing paranoia and then as obsession, every day of my waking life, even if its a 'good day' where this doesn't happen for at least half of it and I feel borderline normal. If this was something I could just grit my teeth and bull rush my way through you'd already have dozens more chapters to be reading by now, because my default state is bloody-minded determination. I've fucking tried and I have actually suffered damage from doing so.

No, maybe I have not been fully defeated, yes I may get better, but I have been fighting this for two fucking years before it utterly trashed me last Christmas into admitting I have an actual mental health problem and I have to face facts that I am simply not well., I'm better than I was at the beginning of the year but thats a low bar. So if you could cut the condescending bullshit for a second, you might already surmise why I couldn't go through with my built up enthusiasm back in August when I tried to get that chapter out, the same thing that happened every other time I tried to bull my way through it. Even when I get it written down, when it no longer feels like the story I am writing or want to write, regardless of quality, there is nothing more soul crushing then having your own creation changed into something its not meant to be and you seemingly having no control of the matter despite being the one typing away at the keyboard.

But no, go ahead and assume its just me buying into self defeating prophecies and not me actually falling for the same mental traps over and over again in my desperate attempt to escape them and eventually accepting I am just currently unable to function as well as I used to.

4968378
Sorry for the harsh response. Honestly while I am aware of the dangers of defeatist language, I got the implicit assumption that you were saying I wasn't even trying, when literally thats the only reason there has been any chapters the last three years at all.

4968549 I’d rather be the guy who risks poking at a sore spot by telling you what I think you may need to hear then the guy who tells you what I think you want to hear. But if it is genuinely not applicable to you then I apologize. I am not trying to be condisending. From what you said it sounded like you were in the same bag of snakes I had to find my way out of.

I do know what it's like to have something you're working on change into something you wen't intending. The point I'm trying to make now is that I don't find it soul crushing, and if the Greenwoods, haunted house, arcs are a product of it then neither should you. Those character driven plot derails are what make the characters and the world you've crafted fell alive as apposed to watching the illusion of one pass by though a train car window. It would be a god damn shame if you fighting to keep the plot on rails kills this story.

4968771 No worries. I'll just say straight up that wasn't my intent to imply that you weren't even trying, nor with the reply.

4968797
I think you're still failing to understand the difference here. I have acknowledged the story changes and mutates as I write it in the journal above and comments below. This is not the same thing. This is the actual feel of what I am writing taking on a different character entirely regardless of what I try to do, not the normal course of a story divergence and development. If that was the case this wouldn't be an aspect of the problem.

4968809 Oh… Um, OK. Have you gotten any feedback confirming that your writing has taken on a different character entirely? I can’t speak for anyone else but I don’t remember getting the feeling that your more recent chapters didn’t fit with what came before, or were written by a different person.

Sorry if I misunderstood again but I am honestly not sure what you mean by 'the actual feel of what I am writing taking on a different character entirely'. It sounds like it could mean- (your perception on what you try and write is changing every time you read it back to yourself)- (that you don't recognize your own story and feel that you can't replicate it)- (you got a 'buzz' from writing that isn't there when you try and write these new chapters).

4968809 This is probably stupid and you’re likely sick of this conversation so apologies in advance if I’m being a pest, but it’s going to do my head in if I don’t at least mention it.

If you haven’t done so already, the next time you try and write a chapter and you feel that the character of what you’re writing is changing don’t fight it. Save it as a separate document and then keep going, and before you scrap it show it to your editors and see what they say. Because it could be that the character of your writing is the same, but your perception of it is skewed because your brain is telling you to go fuck yourself or because of the drugs you were prescribed. I admittedly don’t know much about prescription psychotropic drugs but I do know that they can fuck with you in that way and it doesn’t stop when you stop taking them.

Just to be clear though, I’m not saying I think you’re too stupid or lazy to have thought of this yourself. I mention it because don’t know the nature of your being an intensely private person, and self-described bloody-minded determination.

If not. Thank you for your patience and I’m sorry I couldn’t help.

I wish you all the best. Thanks for taking us on a wonderful journey. It helped me escape some of my own problems. If the story gets finished or not it will always have a special place in my heart, as will you.

I hope Christmas will find you doing better. I wish there was something I could do to help you from my position.

I remember when I was in high school, a psychiatrist put me on Celexa for... reasons. I quickly noted that my personality had radically shifted. I acted and felt like an entirely different person. I had no ability to filter my thoughts when speaking, so I was constantly insulting everyone around me. I didn't care. Didn't care about anything. The way people describe sociopaths was how I felt. I definitely understand your distaste for SSRIs. They will fucking wreck you.

I also get what you mean about talking about your problems causing more harm than good. I think most people aren't very good at introspection, so talking about their problems with other people is a necessary crutch for self-analysis. When you're good at introspection, though, you don't need to talk to other people to understand yourself. What will wind up happening if you try is you'll scare people away with the endless minute details of your suffering, you'll be called a whiner for being able to pinpoint every little thing that's wrong, and you'll expose your vulnerabilities to people who might not be as trustworthy as you hoped. It's a losing proposition if you, as you say, have 14 years of introspection behind everything you explain.

I don't have any good solutions for you because I can't seem to fix my life either. I've had chronic migraines since I was a child, and they've been getting worse since I ruined my health at my last job. I spent half of November either too sick to move, or too tired from being sick to move. Right now I'm stuck between being a leech on my family and going on Disability. The idea of going on welfare sounds like a relief because I won't have to constantly worry about being a burden on my family, but it's a really heavy blow to my pride. That on top of my deformity... I kind of just want to kill myself. I told my parents how I felt about my position, and my mom was very frank with me:

If I killed myself my dad would never be able to recover, and his unyielding grief would destroy their marriage.

I won't stop being a burden on my family until I have no family left to burden! Ain't that fucking great? And of course right after I just got done explaining why talking about my problems is a bad idea, I go and talk about my problems.

Whatever.

Handy, you're a fantastic author. Whether it's Bad Mondays or something else, if you write something, I will read it. I know this is a crapshoot, but maybe you could try turning that into your career. You have the talent and the stubbornness for it. My suggestion is self-serving because I want you to keep writing for my own sake, but it's the best I can offer.

Write a book, self-publish it on Amazon, hit me up, and I'll buy a digital copy. One guaranteed sale is better than most authors get.

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