Fic Reviews: Let's Runaway · 7:22pm Oct 25th, 2018
Hums Bon Jovi's Runaway Fitting, given the themes of this story really. It's a short little thing, just a one-shot barely topping 1,200 words. Not really impressed from the start by that amount, but who knows, maybe I'm wrong. Shall we?
The fic in question?
"Oooh, she's a little runaway
Daddy's girl learned fast..."
Erm, sorry. Blame my parents for raising me on classic rock. Cracks knuckles
In the middle of the night, Bright Mac and Pear Butter sneaked out of their homes to meet each other on the line that separates their families orchards. They had to talk about something important.
Pear Butter said with a sad tone "I got your message.
Bright Mac said "Me too. So, Grand Pear and the Pear Family are thinking of leaving Ponyville to go to Vanhoover.
Pear Butter said "Yeah. Is Annie Smith asking you to help settle a town in the middle of the desert with some of the Apple Family?
Bright Mac said "Yep. This is very important to her, but that would mean I would be apart from you.
Pear Butter said as she started to cry "And going with my father means I would be apart from you too. I don't want that.
Bright Mac said wiping away the tear "Neither do I."
Pear Butter asked "What are we going to do?"
Bright Mac said "We could just come clean about our relationship. Tell your father and my mother about us and how serious we are about each other."
Pear Butter said "Do you think they'll allow it?"
Bright Mac said "Nope, especially my mother. If anything, she's as stubborn as a mule."
Pear Butter said "The same goes for my dad."
Okay, quite a few obvious problems. Said and asked are used far too much. There are other word choices, like "Sighed" and "Inquired". The writing style, it's honestly very basic. Something I'd expect from Jay David, which doesn't earn me any more points in my book if you remind me of that author. Seriously man, learn some new words and get more descriptive. Get us inside the character's heads, what they think, what they feel!
Bright Mac said "Buttercup."
Pear Butter said "Yes." Bright Mac then bowed and placed his hoof in front of her
He then said "Will you marry me?"
Pear Butter said in shock "What?"
Bright Mac said "You heard me. Let's get married and leave Ponyville together. I don't know what we'll do or where we'll go, but I don't want to be apart from you ever. I don't care what my mom or your dad says about apples and pears not being able to work together, I'm certain about us. So certain that I want to marry you now."
Pear Butter said placing her hoof on his "I would too."
The next day, Bright Mac and Pear Butter made plans in secret to leave Ponyville together and go somewhere else. They talked to Burnt Oak, Chiffon Swirl, and Ms. Mare to help them. Burnt Oak told them about a friend of his outside of Ponyville who can help them find a place for them; he wouldn't know the exact place where his friend would take them just so that he and the others wouldn't know so Grand Pear and Annie Smith would pressure them to tell them. Chiffon agreed to help in hiding their bags for their move; both Bright Mac and Pear Butter agreed to travel light as to not arouse any suspicion. As for Ms. Mare, all she did was get them train tickets; however, Bright Mac asked her to help him with something else too.
What place? How did they pack without arousing suspicion? Show, not tell, and give us more details. Seriously, I'm already finding it hard to find myself truly investigated in this story, it's very cookie cutter and the characters just seem to be going through the motions. There's no real sense of tension, or drama.
And another thing, all those character tags like Mrs. Cake, Mayor Mare, and Burnt Oak? I don't really think they're needed as they barely play a role, if any in this story.
Later that night, Bright Mac sneaked out of the house and headed for the entrance to the Pear Family farm, but not before leaving a letter on the fridge addressed to Annie Smith. When he arrived, Pear Butter is there waiting for him.
Bright Mac said "I hope you weren't waiting long."
Pear Butter said "I wasn't. I just left a note to Grand Pear on the kitchen table. We should probably head for the train station."
Bright Mac said "Not yet. There's one more place we have to go to first. Close your eyes."
Bright Mac grabbed Pear Butter by the hoof and escorted her to town hall. When they arrived at the entrance, he told her that she can open her eyes. He then opened the door to find the place decorated with lights, barrel of apples and pears, a red carpet, and a white arch; Burnt Oak is on the right side, Chiffon is on the left, and Ms. Mare underneath the arch with a book and a flower-pot in front of her.
Bright Mac said "It's not much, but I figured if we're going to get married we should do it right."
Pear Butter said giving him a hug "It's lovely."
Bright Mac said "Your lovely."
Ms. Mare shouted "Not to interrupt this lovely moment, but why don't we begin."
The two of them walked down the aisle together. When they arrived at the arch, they looked at each other with loving eyes. They held up seeds, an apple and a pear, put them in the pot on opposite sides, and buried them together in the soil. Ms. Mare gave the official wedding ceremony speech to officiate the union between Bright Macintosh and Pear Butter. After some long, ceremonious words, she arrived at the finale.
Ms. Mare said "Do you, Bright Macintosh, take Pear Butter to be your lawfully wed wife?"
Okay, credit where it's due, this scene does have some emotion and makes use of the Mayor Mare tag quite well, but really, stop using "said" so friggin' much! Tosses a thesaurus at the author. Learn some synonyms damn it!
Also...
Town Hall
He then opened the door to find the place decorated with lights, barrel of apples and pears, a red carpet, and a white arch; Burnt Oak is on the right side, Chiffon is on the left, and Ms. Mare underneath the arch with a book and a flower-pot in front of her.
The whole piece, a run-on sentence. Here's a better way to phrase it.
He then opened the door to find the place decorated with lights, There were barrels of apples and pears all around. In front of him a red carpet, and a white arch with Burnt Oak is on the right side and Chiffon was on the left. As for Ms. Mare? She was underneath the arch with a book and a flower-pot in front of her.
Much better, don't you think?
Bright Mac said "I do."
Ms. Mare said "Do you, Pear Butter, take Bright Macintosh to be your lawfully wed husband?"
Pear Butter said "I do.
Ms. Mare said "Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you to, husband and wife."
With that said, Pear Butter kissed Bright Macintosh passionately. As they kissed, Chiffon and Burnt Oak let out tears of happiness.
Later, they went to the train station where the train is waiting for them. Before the two got on, they were talking to their best friends who were also giving them gifts.
Burnt Oak said as he gave him a present "I hope everything goes well for you two. My friend said that he'll get you two someplace away from here." Bright Mac opened it and it's a photo of their first plow race together.
Bright Mac said "Thanks for this, Burnt Oak. It means a lot." They give each other a hoof-bump
Burnt Oak said "Anything for my best friend."
Chiffon said as she gave Pear Butter a green recipe book "These are some new recipes that I made that I tested myself. I haven't released them to the public yet, so I figured you should be the first one to have them."
Pear Butter said "I'll be sure to use them as soon as possible."
Chiffon said "There's also a special baby formula recipe that I have in there too, you know if you two get started soon."
Pear Butter said "I'll be sure to use it."
Ms. Mare said "Bright Macintosh. Pear Butter. Be sure to come back when you two are ready. Know that you two are always welcome here."
Bright Mac and Pear Butter said together "We will, someday."
With that said, Bright Mac and Pear Butter got on the train together. As soon as the train got moving, the two looked out the window and waved goodbye to their friends. Unbeknownst to them, the caboose of the train had a banner with the words "Just Married" on it with an apple and a pear together with a heart surrounding it.
On the train, Bright Mac and Pear Butter are taking one last look at Ponyville as the train is leaving. The two were uncertain with what their new future is going to be like, but as long as they had each other they can conquer anything that their future holds for them.
It would be a long time before they would return to Ponyville again.
I'm honestly still finding myself failing to get invested in the emotions of the characters, as there's barely any really. I mean, here Bright Mac and Pear Butter are, leaving their whole family and their lives behind, and yet they don't seem too worked up about it. TV Tropes has something like this.
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AngstWhatAngst
To quote:
Imagine you found yourself Trapped in Another World, far removed from everything you know with no promise you could ever go back. And just as you started to come to grips with that, you discovered you were The Chosen One and that this world depended on you. And then your band of quirky companions, who had been your support, started to disappear one by one, leaving you alone with The Mole. And then the person you thought was your last friend betrayed you to the Big Bad, who threw you into his dungeon and promised to execute you at dawn. As you sit there in your chains, how do you feel?
If your answer is "well, a little sad — but who cares about that, it's escapin' time!", you might be an unusual character. Angst? What angst?
The polar opposite of Wangst, this is when a character has been given every reason to fall into depression or go Ax-Crazy, but... just doesn't, and life goes on. They aren't The Stoic or the Determinator; they aren't holding off their real feelings by an effort of will. Nor are they putting on a brave face because they can't endure pity. They're just sort of rolling with it, riding out the adventure as it comes and looking ahead to the next plot event.
That's what I'm sorta seeing here.
(Many years later)
At the train station, the train arrives at Ponyville station; many ponies arriving for the Summer Sun Celebration. As passengers got off the train, a family of seven got off the train together.
Bright Mac said "Looks like we're here."
Pear Butter said "Big Macintosh, Shiny Bartlett, Applejack, Apple Bloom, and Pear Slices. Welcome to Ponyville."
Groans
Honestly, this feels more like the prologue to a multichapter fic, and the author didn't really have the time nor care enough to actually follow up on that. I've seen collections of one-shots, plot bunnies that may or may not be expanded on, that's where this would belong.
My final rating? 5/10, middle of the road and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone seeking anything really noteworthy.
A big problem I see in fics is that they don't know which tense to use, alternating tenses frequently and terribly. Are they in the present? Or in the past? Is it: He is on the left? Or: He was on the left? In my opinion, every story should be told like it happened in the past.
4958023
Ugh, now that you mention it, this story does commit that sin. Can't believe I missed that.