TEK - TOTALLY OFFICIAL chapter by Carabas · 10:42pm Oct 4th, 2018
So, the lovely Carabas wrote a very funny mock chapter of Crimson Lips ft. Ninjas the other day AND WELL...
Purple is what Carabas wrote.
The Enchanted Kingdom
Act II - Chapter 11.5
They were rocks.
No matter how much she poked, prodded, analyzed, studied, and any other otherwise related verb, Twilight had no choice but to admit to herself that the granite orb fragments she’d been studying for the past days were just that.
Rocks.
The Elements of Gravel, that’s what they were.
A groan escaped her lips, and she buried her muzzle deeper into the extraordinarily soft pony she’d forcibly dragged away from the sewing machine and onto the comfortable little alcove for a much-needed session of cuddling.
“Twilight,” murmured Rarity, a hoof lazily brushing the back of Twilight’s mane, “are you quite done? May I go back to my livelihood?”
“No,” came Twilight’s muffled reply. “I need to—” She extracted her face long enough to turn towards the table and glare at the stone fragments on the table. ”—figure out how they work.”
Rarity sighed. “I see, I see,” she said, adjusting herself when Twilight nuzzled her once more. “And clearly lying here cuddling is the way to do so, yes?”
“Yes,” Twilight replied. “It’s called the I-Give-Up Method.”
Rarity laughed. “Oh! A very tried and true one, at that! I remember practicing it quite a few times with a particularly complex commission last month. Did you come up with it?”
“Yes, I did, but never mind our working methods, Rarity, there’s a god-damned longship crashing in through the wall.”
“AARGH,” gargled the towering, horn-hatted, bearded figure looming at the longship’s prow, an unreasonably large axe brandished in his right fist and a skullful of wine upheld in his left. At his back, a howling mass of warriors and shieldmaidens and confused traders who’d gotten pulled along in the confusion leapt down from the longship’s sides and rushed down past its oars. Before Rarity and Twilight could so much as blink, the whole mass of them charged at, set alight to, formed shieldwalls at, pillaged, killed, and ravished most any object in the room that wasn’t nailed down. Some of the nailed-down items as well.
“I didn’t need this,” Twilight muttered to herself, as a nearby berserker picked a fight with Rarity’s sewing machine, which the sewing machine appeared to be winning. “I really, really didn’t.”
“What on earth do you all think you’re doing?” blazed Rarity, standing upright and glaring icicles at the Vikings in their midst. “Put that down! It’s of great sentimental value! Stop hitting that dress with your axe, it took hours to get the collar right on it! And you … what are you doing to my armoire? Stop that! That’s unhygienic! Especially when it’s on fire!”
“Aiiiieee!” retorted the ablaze raider, for whom that last sentence had come much too late.
“Tremble, wretches,” boomed the Viking who’d stood at the prow, ambling towards them. His entirely historically-accurate horned helmet added at least another foot to his already-imposing height. He twirled his longaxe in his grasp “You face the warband of Ragnar Sharkfucker, Bane of the North Seas. Surrender your treasures and I may yet -”
“I can turn you inside out with my mind,” Twilight curtly replied. Seeing Rarity frustrated didn’t leave her in an altogether good mood either. “Stop playing with that compensator and act in a reasonable way.”
Ragnar paused. To his sides, the raiders continued their verbing.
One of them, trying to pillage a saddle with some confusion, drew Twilight’s fleeting ire, and she demonstrated her mind’s capacity.
“Your point is well-made and worthy of consideration, chattel,” Ragnar said slowly, carefully dusting bits of imploded Viking off his byrnie as the rest of the warband hushed. “Relinquish your treasures, and we’ll be out of your hair. Manes. Something.”
Twilight stared at him levelly. At that point, Rarity stepped up, the Elements in her grasp, and she fobbed them off into Ragnar’s grasp.
“There,” she said firmly. “Leave with them and you’ll be doing us a favour. Poor Twilight’s been driven to distraction by them all evening. Now kindly reverse that longship out of my boutique and go discover Vinland or where-have-you.”
Ragnar and his crew didn’t object too much to this, and ere long, the longship shuddered out the way it came with a great creaking of oars. From off in the distance, after a few minutes, there came the screams of a monastery.
“I didn’t even notice a monastery in Hollow Shades,” Twilight said, making back for the cosy alcove. “Wait, what were they sailing on?”
“Don’t worry about that, darling,” Rarity replied, disentangling the mangled berserker from her sewing machine and smiling gently at the alicorn. “The Elements are gone now. We can enjoy the rest of our evening at last.”
And they enjoyed their evening happily ever after.
I'm using all my money to get him to write the rest of the story.
Ninjas, Vikings... Going by For Honor logic, expect Crusaders in the next one. And I don't mean the three fillies.
11/10, better than the original. Cara should shove a bunch of your TEK chapters into a side story after it gets an Authentic Cara-provement™. It could totally overtake the original
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D E U S V U L T
What.
That was plain bizarre, but I did get a laugh out of it.
Before spotting the text that was literally purple, I was reading the rest of it thinking, "yeah this prose is definitely a bit purple, but the style is spot on."
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pi pls
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Crusaders meet Crusaders, if only so we can have a CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CRUSADERS, YAY! incident.
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I dunno. I think the Crusaders would make great Crusaders.
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You're the best purple author I know.
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Cutie Mark Crusaders Heresy Punishers!
...but you probably expected that.
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Honestly I think the fillies would cause waaaay more chaos
That went from 0 to 11 hundred in less than a sentence. My congratulations to the chef