Sometimes it takes a slap to the head to restart some brain cells · 1:43pm Sep 21st, 2018
This goes out to anyone that is following me. The last couple of weeks have been hard. In one day I lost my merchandizing job, the position had been elimanated via corporate restructureing, and then lost another job I had been working on for 16 years. That is where the true crux of this blog post lies. I lost that position when a Facebook post that I had written in support of others going through some tough times, was reported to the police. Thing is, my Facebook page since its inception has been set to Friends only, the post was also set to Friends only. Which means that one of the people that I trusted, as I only accept friend request from people I know, called the police on me. This led to the post being reported to my remaining job, which led to the post being labeled threating language and I was terminated.
This hurt me, but I would have shrugged it off if not for one simple thing. My girlfriend was hurt, someone whose only crime was loving and supporting me, even when I felt that I was unlovable, even when I thought I was hopeless. This person that had saved me from myself. Something I had written had caused a situation that hurt her as collateral damage.
So, I deleted all my Facebook posts, those I could not I hid from my timeline and I retreated back to Fimfiction and the other sites where I post as an author/artist. However, a voice in the back of my head kept getting in the way. It would whisper, "How will this be used to hurt her? How can this be taken out of context to remove all that you've worked for? How can this be used against those you care about?" It got in the way of the Narrative. The Narrative is what I call the sensory perception and thought patterns that allow me to create. To see the world and give it a better story. Either by creating a story, a work of art, or just building something, even when I deciede to use something in way it wasn't meant to. The problem is that the Narrative is quiet. That doubting critical voice was loud, I could only hear the barest of the Narrative's whispers, and thus my fears grew stronger.
Thankfully, I decided to talk to Equestrian Twist and to my girlfriend, Notjohnharker. I told them both that I wanted to take a break, I told them of my fears. Then I stated that I wanted to fall back and take a break from writing, that I would still be active but more from an editorial/brainstorming stand point. Both of them understood but also said that I shouldn't let my fears make this desicion. Twist said it nicer then NotJohnHarker did but Harker has been dating me for 9 years, she gets the right to be pointedly snarky when I am being stupid. That evening I went to sleep determined to take a step back and clear my head, which is when I got a third opinion. And this one was not happy, nor kind in the delivery.
I dreamt that I was sitting at my dinning room table, in the place I had sat for all of my younger years. I was in my childhood home, but instead of the music and sound that had filled it, there was silence. My mother, dead these 8 years, walked up to me and slapped me across the face, hard.
"Ow, Mom, what the fuck was that for?" I asked.
"Because you're being a Coward!" She replied. "Because I told you that if I ever caught you not sticking up for yourself or others that even if I had to rise from the grave I would in order to beat the stupid out of you."
"Mom, all I am doing is taking a break, clearing my head. That's all!"
"BULLSHIT!!!!! We now how hard it was to get you writing again. I had to kick you out the door to that writing group, you know the one where you met Notjohnharker. Got you to go because you were closing the best parts of yourself off from the rest of us. I am not allowing that to happen again, I did not raise a coward. I raised a young man that would fight even me if he thought I was in the wrong, that may bend to others but never backed down. I rasied a MAN, not some sniveling bitch! I taught you better, now apply what I taught you and stop making excuses."
I paused, my mother was right. This whole idea of taking a break was one built on fear, on hesitation. I had stopped listening to the narrative and only heard my own misgivings, disguised as ratiionallity and reasonableness. But, those things have never worked for me. I learned Chemistry and Physics by waking up in craters and by being on fire. I sharpened my critcal thinking by learning to defend myself verbally. I became a better writter by pushing myself until I passed out from exhaustion. I have never taken the easy way, I have never learned the easy way. I am not a fearful person, I am an ANGRY one. Anger bond by will directed by love and compassion for others. I do not hesitate, I do not take breaks. I forge forward and learn everytime I fail. I don't fear failiure or being hurt, because I learn from each of those things. I fear not the hatred of others, for their hatred and unkind words merely feul my desire for improvement. I forge myself.
I raised my head and said, "I'm sorry Mom, I had forgotten for a bit. I miss you and I love you. I promise that I will not stop."
My mother leaned over and pulled me close. "It's okay, sometimes we all need a reminder of who we are. You get so wrapped up in what's going on in your head sometimes you forget about those around you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, just as you have. Since I died you have made me so proud in what you have done. Working with NotJohnHarker to get yourself financially stable, fighting to get off the medications and making yourself functional with the rest of the world, yet still being that same Gentle Giant that I always loved. I have always been proud."
With that my dream ended and I knew what my path was. First I informed my girlfriend of my next course of action and now I am telling any who read this.
FUCK THAT!!!! I am in no way taking a break, instead I am reforging my resolve, In order to do so I am going back to the first stories I ever wrote for this site. And I Am Finishing Them. I will also be finishing the stories that I have let languish on other sites as well. I am rededicating myself to Friendship is Magic: Gotham and will continue my co-author ship there. Twist has invited me and others to work on something else and I will be stepping forward in that as well. We are not ready to announce anything yet but so far things look awesome. I took a hit, well boohoo, its time I spit the blood from my mouth and shake it off. This will not beat me, if nothing in my past ever has, then I have no excuse to roll over and play dead over these minor things. I am posting to tell all of you that I am back, angry and ready to get back to work. I will post here again once I have a schedule on those updates.
By the Way thanks Twist and Harker, the two of you really helped me. And Mom, wherever you are, I Love you and thanks for giving me a slap when I needed it.
I've known you for 7 years nearly now and here's what I can say I've learned in that time, your brash, a bit head strong, and sometimes don't know when you've pushed your bounds, your also thoughtful when most nessecary, talkative to most anyone you meet and almost never give in. I admire those quality deeply because I know they are things that I would never be able to manage. What I've learned in all this time is anytime you try to change or bow to the pressures of others is the downfall of all involved. I remember when you decided to purge your notebooks for the first time that sometime soon you'd look back wishing you still had the material, but you never did, because your capable of change on your own, when you need it, because only you know when its time. I'm ecstatic you landed firmly on your feet after this blow, but I should of known all along, because that's what you do you forge on, in the face of every misinterpretation, in the face of any who might say something against, you forge on, and that is what I truly admire, and that's what makes the biggest impact, so you forge on man, as you've always done, as I'm sure you always will.
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Thanks I appreciate the sentiment. It just took me a bit to rouse myself. Thanks for the support, man.
Hear, hear! I wish I could leave a thumbs up on a blog post, but even if I can’t, my heart’s with you!
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Thanks Fyren, I appreciate the sentiment. Anger, bound by Will, directed by Compasion and determination. Analyze, Adapt, Act. These two basic concepts were driven into my head. Along with one other. "Cry Me A River, Build Me A Bridge, Then Get The Fuck Over It." Words to live by eh?
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Indeed, truer words have never been spoken!