Random Ramblings CCCXVII · 8:14am Sep 17th, 2018
IN WHICH I TINKER WITH WORDS
Before I begin anything, though, Laura Brehm dropped another song. Enjoy! I know I do.
Now, onto news… past the break.
Some of you my followers are, in my estimation, crazy, because you actually look forward to these near-daily blogposts from me. I've been holding back from posting for the last few days because I wanted to have something to post about on the writing front before doing so.
- Like I mentioned last time, I have finished, at least provisionally, my latest «Rarity Loves Sunset» story. It's ready to post… except that I haven't found a decent piece of art yet. I may get lazy and just use a different frame of &XYZ's "Photoshoot" collage as he already gave me permission to use it. The only bit I have yet to write is a couple of steamy passages that I really don't want my mother to see (she requested proof that I'm actually doing something).
- I just spent the last couple of hours working on my historical fic, finally (FINALLY!) finishing, at least provisionally, the flashback within the flashback in the first chapter. It got so long that I had to break off the original second half of the first chapter into a new chapter and renumber everything. Thus, what was originally envisioned as three chapters in 2015 and became seven chapters plus prologue and epilogue when I finished the first complete draft in early 2018 is now nine chapters plus prologue and epilogue. I still need to do some more tweaking of the new Chapter Two on my own before I'll be ready to request help, as writing the flashback added redundancies.
Is there a canon name for the creek that runs through Ponyville? Have I given it a name in any of my other stories? Well, I was far too lazy to check my own story output, so I named it anyway -- "Cavalo" (ka-VA-lu), Portuguese for horse. ORIGINALITY!!
Hey, I was originally going to name it "Uma" (Japanese for horse), but decided not to because some people might think it was a reference to Uma Thurman …a fair assumption considering my love for Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (where she voiced Princess Kushana) and enjoyment of Tarantino films.
On the home front, I spent much of the day asleep while trying to rewatch the very first Sakura Gakuin graduation from March 2012. It's the only time you'll ever see Babymetal's Suzuka Nakamoto come close to crying on stage (something she promised she would never ever do), because her best friend is aging out of the group. But my bed is comfy and I didn't have anything better to do. I've paid all my bills for this half of the month and don't get paid for a week so I can't exactly do anything fun.
I could go to the 24-hour gym right now, but I kinda don't want to. I went last night. I should maybe go anyway…
I'm extremely concerned because I think my dad got back together with his cunt of a wife after she dumped him while he was literally dying. She's an enabler, and if my dad picks up his vices again, he will die -- that's not even hyperbole, by the way.
Stupid bitch-ass fucking cunt only came back because he has money again. But he can't sever the knot even if he wanted to because he's on her insurance. Fuck America for its work-based health insurance.
What about worthless parasites like me who can't get a real job? I'm no good for food service or retail because I'm terrible with people and can't handle stress. I considered perhaps doing stocking at a grocery store, but I have a weak heart and I don't know if I'm strong enough to lift all the things.
Doesn't matter anyway. I would literally rather slash myself open with a sharp knife than face an HR person. In fact I've done so.
I can't write either. I want to write. Just like Mentally Advanced Fluttershy, it's what I'm best at, but I totally suck at it.
I hate people.
When I see happy couples (especially if the girl is hot) holding hands, I want them to be struck by a meteorite. I really hate that I'm now too old to have a chance of landing a girl who isn't fat and ugly (though that admittedly describes my ex, who I found attractive regardless, rather well). I've been told not to use the term due to its extremely negative connotations, but I am involuntarily celibate. I don't hate women in particular (in fact I hate men more and always have). I don't blame the fairer sex for my situation; I blame myself. I've always blamed myself. For everything.
When I see my friends in their generally good and stable relationships, I seethe with jealousy. I blew my last shot -- although I know better than anyone my relationship with my ex wasn't healthy -- because I wasn't able to find mental help in time, and now I'm destined to die alone. No girl would ever want a high maintenance unemployable dreamer. After all, men aren't supposed to require "maintenance" at all. Toxic masculinity -- we just go along to get along.
When my mother asks me if I've contacted my old friend who works as an editor for a horror blog to submit any of my work to her for consideration, I want to eat my gun. But I don't own a gun, and that is a very very good thing.
I'm tempted to try and buy a gun just to see if I can, and if they let me, use that as an excuse to campaign for gun restrictions. No one in their right mind should EVER sell me a firearm. If the system worked, I would fail a background check every time on psych eval alone. But I doubt the system works because 'Murika. I hope the NRA eventually goes down for laundering Russian money into the 2016 elections (which they were caught doing but Congress is currently protecting them).
Whenever I drive up to Kansas City, there's a farm somewhere along the way that has a 53' semi trailer with writing painted on the side talking about how if you're not a "maker", you're a parasite. (there's another truck elsewhere on the other side of the road with an antisemitic rant on it -- rural America is a special kind of insane). I have internalized that message.
I pay my taxes, but I'm a parasite. Parasites deserve to die.
But I can't die yet. I haven't finished writing stories for you. And I'm not going to be one of those fanfic writers who leaves things unfinished.
Okay, I concede I may never get to the third Sunset timeline before this site dies. If I don't, then I'll do what I did with the Pinkamena story and just give y'all a rundown of what I had planned.
Mysteries are HARD to concoct. Whatever poor bastard gets my notes for what I planned will take a look at it and, after a bout of nervous laughter at how crap it is, will probably say "Holy shit!" at what I intend to put certain characters through.
I hate how slow I am at putting out work. And unlike other slow writers on this site, I don't have much to show for it. I'm just a lazy sumbitch and I know it. Why you people still follow me is something I'll never understand. BUT, my follower count is dropping again, so all is right with the world I guess.
Like I said a few days ago, it's hard to be the family disappointment when you're literally the only one in your generation, but I managed to do it, at least in my own mind.
I hate myself and want to eat a doughnut. Like I said before, I've been putting on weight despite going to the gym at least thrice a week and not changing my diet.
Let me be absolutely 100% frank with any of you people crazy enough to have read this far. I have SEVERE rejection issues. When my ex dumped my ass, it exacerbated an already existing problem that she knew about. This is not something I can simply "get over", or "man/buck up and deal" or any of those other buzzwords -- my version of 'deal' results in blood, usually my own.
I hate that I still have that desire to self-harm. It's such a stupid teenage thing to do. Granted, I'm the guy who says that while growing old is inevitable, growing up is a state of mind. I genuinely believe that -- why should we be forced to alter what we enjoy just because we get older and our stations in life change? I'm officially in my mid-30s and I still don't consider myself a true "adult". I doubt I ever will.
I'm yawning despite only having been awake for the past seven hours. I have an appointment with my shrink next week. He might change my meds since I've been sleeping way more than usual (common when you're starting out, but not when you've been on this shit for a year and a half).
I want to go back to walking in the park, as that is better at getting the creative juices going, but it's still too goddamn hot and I'm a bug magnet.
I have no idea where I was going with any of that. Fuck it. I'm going to not care about my health and eat that last doughnut. Maybe do some more work on my monster-sized story. I hope to be able to open it up to someone on here soon, because lord knows I'm not good enough to see this one through on my own.
Peace out!
Ugh. Sorry you've been having so many issues lately. I've been honestly improving a lot overall which helps. I owe it all to a psychiatrist and friends.
It'd be nice if you could show your mother the spider one. :P That one was my favorite.