Patreon Blog Takeover: in which AdmiralBiscuit has totally wasted his lemony chance. · 9:25pm Aug 24th, 2018
He said he wanted me to answer these.
What is the value of an average Ponyville earth pony, expressed in lemon drops? [To buy outright, rather than some sort of rental or lease agreement.]
(for example, you could buy a IRL quarter horse for 250-1000 pounds of lemon drops [approximately 33,250 to 133,000 lemon drops])
This is a variable. As everypony knows, murdering an earth pony in cold blood will result in a portion of their bones turning into flarfanargin, a substance so mystical that to spell it the same way twice would result in a pony's doom. Naturally, this substance is the binding ingredient which allows lemon drops to exist in their state as simple candy, as opposed to having the ingredients separate at a completely random time at some point in the future. On the atomic level. Sometimes they randomly separate at some time in the past, so any time you see a nuclear explosion out of nowhere, you can assume that you're either in the middle of a terrorist attack or a confectioner just wasn't dedicated to their craft.
However, under most circumstances, it's impossible to tell just how much flarfinagrin you can get out of any given earth pony. Yes, it takes murder in cold blood, but what if your blood isn't cold enough? Did they have any plans to murder you back, especially if you happen to be a unicorn and the earth pony had a craving for chocolate pudding? Also, diet may be a factor, but that's only believed by stupid ponies who do idiotic things like science. The facts are that unless very special arrangements are made, nopony can be sure of the harvest: anyone who says otherwise is working with alternative facts, and how can you trust math when the numbers always add up the same way? That's called a conspiracy.
So regretfully, there will be times when you murder an earth pony in the coldest of blood (nude in winter for best results) and you get just enough farfenugen to produce three lemon drops. (Which you will regret, unlike the earth pony's death, because really, who cares about that?) And at other times, you just happen to get them when they're coming out the water in early summer and it's lemon drops for days, which for ponies actually works out to about forty minutes, as they have no self control and always swallow before the last bit dissolves.
Remember: lemon drops are precious for a reason. So only kill when your cravings are at their strongest. Or, y'know, if there's an earth pony in front of you at the express checkout line and they've got twenty-one items. But move quickly, because there will be so many others doing the same and when it comes to harvesting favinglavin, ponies don't share.
Do ponies even like lemon drops?
Well, let me put it this way. Would you rather like a lemon drop, or would you rather be a lemon drop?
Thought so.
Would a pony named Lemon Drops be worth more or less actual lemon drops?
More. Much, much more. Because you see, it is well known that if you name an earth pony Lemon Drops and then murder them in cold blood, every last ounce of their body will turn into farfetchedsomething. That killing is the only way to guarantee so much as a full week's supply, at least for one pony, and so many dream of their chance -- but it comes with a risk. For it is also known that if a pony named Lemon Drops is to be harvested, they must be allowed to grow to adulthood and in doing so, they can never learn about how lemon drops are made. If they find out, every pony within a radius of diddly-umptle who's consumed so much as a single lemon drop in their life will die, slowly and in great agony as their very organs convert into ginger chews. Which nopony likes, unless they happen to be named Lemon Drops. Really, go figure.
So to name a pony Lemon Drops is to take an incredible risk across one full generation in the hopes of gaining, at most, a week's worth of pocket money. But really, isn't that totally worth it? Besides, it's not as if more than three whole radii of ponies have died. In the last year. Surely that won't be you. How often does a pony learn how lemon drops are made, anyway? Well, obviously at least three times in the last year, but still, you've just got to like your odds! Sure, it's not as if ponies named Lemon Drops ever tend towards marks other than those for candy-making, but all you need to do is rip pages out of every recipe book and make sure nopony in the area eats a lemon drop until that pony is an adult!
Of course, you will then have to explain what they were named after. Consider raising them on a lemon farm.
Should that have been more or fewer?
Ask Reese.
If Vermin Supreme gets elected president and actually follows thorough with his federal pony program, what effects might this have on the value of ponies and the value of lemon drops? Both from a buying and selling perspective.
On average, one pony in every redacted so as to keep Equestria's enemies from ever figuring out what the population is, since Faust knows they have no idea either will be named Lemon Drops. Increasing the population will keep the ratio of lemon drop consumers and those consuming the remains of Lemon Drops constant, resulting in price stability. However, should that greater population be crowded into the current living space, fatalities from discovery would increase accordingly. And with less ponies to buy lemon drops, the price might drop, crashing a market which was already being dominated by graveyard owners. The moral, as always: vote for Sombra.
Or, if that's a topic you don't feel like exploring, how about this: Do unicorn hats come with holes already poked in them for the horn, or does the unicorn have to do that herself after purchase? Or does that vary on a store to store basis (hats with holes might be more popular in Canterlot, whereas unholed hats might sell better on Ponyville)?
Every good general store will of course carry a full selection of portable holes. Apply to any fabric surface for instant holeage. (Cannot be removed. Cannot be relocated. Cannot be closed. If swallowed, has been known to create bowel perforation. Envying unicorns for the size of their holes is the act of a cad, so only gossip about them behind their backs. Keep within reach of any children you no longer wish to have.)
Sometimes we see unicorns wearing hats that hide their horn; do those hats have some kind of horn-pocket inside? Are they made out of a durable fabric which is resistant to corona (either the unicorn field, the beer, or both)?
Well, you see, you're making a rather common mistake. Those aren't hats. They're horn condoms. In either case, coronas just make things worse.
And Corona makes things worst of all.
Seriously, you should see my neighborhood during summer. Entire community drinks nothing but. Empty bottles everywhere.
And also discarded condoms.
Although not for horns.
...I wish they were for horns...
Patreon sponsor count: -1.
... I like ginger chews...
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And I like ginger beer. (Which is just about impossible to find in my desired strength: I want it to have afterburn. I've been experimenting with Bundaberg...) Quality chews, however, are hard to locate. Chimes are overpriced, and not only do Gin-Gins not have the right taste, but their mascots need to be nuked from orbit.
... why do I feel like I just gave one of the Flower Trio some really good drugs?
Now I need to find some ginger candies, and maybe Corona.
...
Yeah, okay, I've run an hour later than usual and I can't be bothered to maths. You can probably work it out is you assume Eqeustrian ponies have roughly the same mass as terrestrial ponies (it's all mostly water, innit).
Our local ponythread once calculated AJ is about the siz eof the smallest breed of Shetland pony.
A google search - Because dammit, I'm doing this now aren't I? - suggests miniature shetland ponies of around that height are somewhere in the region of 100-120kg, so let's say the average pony maybe weight 100kg.
A quarter horse (from google search, is 15.2 hands, so 450-500kg estimated average).
Assuming a direct mass to cost ratio (otherwise , I have no idea), you are looking at about 20% of that value for pony to quarter horse.
So, if we take Admiral Biscuit's approximation for 50lbs, you're looking at 20% fo that, so 6650 lemon drops approximately.
I will not even try to hazard a guess as to the cost of a minature shetland verses a quarter horse because such things are highlly variable, but you can do it yourselves if you can find the values.
(If Applejack is Made Of Dark Matter, then we can estimate that her volume is approximately 0.1 m³ (flesh is approx 1010kg/m³), so as soon as someone can find me a figure for the density of dark matter in kg/m³, I can get back to you, ('cos a google search ain't found squat.)
A more accurate estimate would require knowing how much an average lemon drop weights, how much the cost, and a better estimate of weight or volume estimate of Equestrian ponies.
You're welcome.
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I always liked Stewart's Ginger Beer, but it's nearly impossible to find. They might not even make it any more. Haven't had any in 20 years, now that I think about it.
Also, this has answered all my questions. Thank you!
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*sigh*
Why did you have to bring up Stewart's...?
According to the company, it's officially been taken out of production. There's a Facebook page trying to bring it back, but we all know how effective that is.
Tell me about it, those coronas make things so much worst. Nothing like wearing a hat downunder and a condom on your head at a party.
At least I avoided quite the mindfuck. But now I somehow own several of the same hat.
"Ask Reese."
I... I have have been mentioned by name in an Estee blog!
And fewer, I believe. :)
"And with less ponies to buy lemon drops"
"And with fewer ponies to buy lemon drops"? :)
Estee, channeling Murdocks at near-maximum intensity.
...Alright, who gave Estee the edibles. Fess up. I wouldn't put it past Alondro.
It really does read like Roseluck took some uppers and tried to write a magazine article for Conspicuous Conspiracy. Hilarious dude.
I . . . think he meant more along the lines of the concepts of this story:
https://www.lightspeedmagazine.com/fiction/the-cambist-and-lord-iron-a-fairy-tale-of-economics/
Not that this wasn't fun in a twisted sort of way, but . . .
This was literally the only sentence I bothered to read. I don't even have context.
You, my dear lady, are a loon. A gloriously glorious loon.
this made me think of a crazy story in one of the "magnus chase and the gods of asgard" books:
a bunch of gods got together and all SPIT into a container...and somehow a new god emerged from that container...and someone murdered him...and brewed beer from his blood! "Kvasir's Mead" they called it...and Magnus needed to find some to help him defeat Loki in a battle of words called a "Flyting".
This.
This is what I live to see.
It is beautiful.
And very informative.
Estee, have you been drinking? And is it something legal? :)
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I love that story, and I will admit that it was part of the inspiration for my question.
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It is good, one of my favorites in fact, despite my issues with the ending.
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Biscuit, what in the shit
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What? I had questions that needed answers.
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I just love the idea of the baker buying his money with bread and so forth . . . because that is how it works, and nobody tells you that.
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You know what you did. >:|
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AND IT IS GLORIOUS
I noticed the other day that the local grog shop stocks ginger beer. Does this mean I need to figure out how to make Moscow Mules?
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I keep getting it as gifts, and having to tell people "No, no, get me the kind with the skulls and warning labels on".
You can get Ginger Ale in the USA, but Ginger Beer is almost impossible to come by. It is one of the very few foods that the British have that is better than ours
Try Amazon. If it ain't for sale on Amazon, there is a good chance that it ain't (legally) sold in the USA. (Well, Amazon or eBay)
Personally, I prefer ginger snaps (cookies!)
But favaglavan needs a murder in cold blood. That is a righteous inflection of retribution inflicted upon the unjust.
Flutterpriest's story 'Always Use Protection' came immediately to mind.
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Corona beer?
Have some class, for Kukulkán's sake, and go drink some Xtabentum!
Estée's blog seems to be trippier then usual today...
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I hope you are enjoying the Bundaberg ginger beer. They have the decency to brew it properly, rather than flavour carbonated water. They also make the only sarsaparilla worth drinking in this country, and their lemon lime & bitters has a vicious bite. I can’t imagine it’s cheap or easy to find in the USA. Bundaberg website.
With regards to the blog... If you and Admiral ever choose to collaborate on a crack-fic, I fear it might just end the world.
Crystal ponies become rock candy.
What in the zog did I just read? Will there be more?
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If you can find it, Rochester Ginger Beer is good and very gingerrific!
Deep in the mainland of pony China there's a huge farm of ponies. They're all named Lemon Drops and their lives are short and miserable.
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I'm pretty sure Flower Trio know their drugs pretty well. Guess you'd have to go with Walter White's stuff.
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the prices really aren't terrible.
Cost Plus World Market is selling it at $13.99 for the 10x375ml pack
There's a few other places that carry it, too, though not as cheaply
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If you think Corona is lacking class, you're clearly not drawing any comparison between it and other drinks in its peer group.
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Quite the opposite, actually; it's been getting relatively easy to find in recent years. As yrfoxtaur has noted, Bundaberg Ginger Beer is available here in the US at a chain called World Market (or "Cost Plus World Market"; I'm not sure when -- or why -- they tacked the "Cost Plus" part onto their name
), which is a store that carries (among other things) a lot of specialty food items from outside the US. They also carry the Lemon, Lime & Bitters, as well.
Beyond that, it can also be found at Costco, some grocery-store chains carry it now, and I've even seen single bottles for sale in the cooler at some of the local gas stations. (Or "petrol", as you say down under.
)
The Aussie beverage that's really impossible to find up here is Solo.
Nobody carries it, not even the online shops that specialize in Australian imports.
Thank you for the mention of Vermin Supreme and his glorious, never-ending campaign to be President of the U.S., and his wonderful campaign promises. They’re no more unrealistic than anyone else’s! He also has a sense of style that is timeless and ensures you will never forget the man. I think it’s the headgear.
And Corona? I’ve heard it’s like a canoe...
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Hi.
Your comment actually had my family discussing for a few minutes, and eventually we made plans to drink some sweet Merlot while eating paella sometime next week. Thanks.
I was actually thinking about how Corona is seen in its peer group in the Mexican marketplace: a simple, inexpensive, basic choice. It is like going to a fancy restaurant and asking for wine by the glass: it is drinkable, but nothing worth writing home about. It is also like the meaning of a maid uniform: it is supposed to blend in with the background, rather than draw attention to itself.
But then, you are talking about its other peer group: the worldwide beer marketplace, where the name Corona ("Crown") is a pun rather than an irony. And I can understand how it succeeds: it is neither some frothy and over-pretentious European syrup, nor is it some Yank mess with a watery texture and a very raw flavour. Corona (and Sol, its main rival) sit on a knife's edge between the Yank and the European tastes: the flavour itself is very, extremely controlled, so it doesn't have the either raw or watery taste of a Yank beer, yet the texture is so much smoother, and the flavour so much less complicated than Old World pretentiousness. Yank (...and most Central and South American...) beers are drunk as an excuse to drink alcohol, and as such are either alcoholic water or an acquired taste. European beers are, on the other hand, designed to be tasted, so you drink wine with your food and drink beer with salty snacks. Corona and Sol, on their own hand, were designed to be eaten with full meals, so they have a watery viscosity (yet without a watery texture), and have uncomplicated flavours and little to no aftertaste to not distract you from the meal.
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Considering that you can buy Corona worldwide, I don't know why you need somebody else's opinion.
Watch out, we have a wild one here!
I have had Corona, of course. It’s better than the BCMs. But I can’t have gluten anymore, and when I still could, I tended to brew my own. (And in your rant, you left out the Asian beer market! Bad form! LOL)
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Drinkable, generally pleasant, a light option without being a "lite" option, and nothing like trying to drink an actual hockey puck.
Simplicity is not necessarily an absence of class, right?
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I forgot to ask! Would you recommend Sol over Corona for any reason, or is it similar enough that I'm not missing anything?
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The few Asian beers I've tasted have all tasted like piss, so I don't really count them.
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The option between Corona and Sol is as personal as the option between Coca-Cola and Pepsi. On either case, I have a hard time telling them apart once I've prepared something with them. And finally, I prefer Tecate over either of them, just like I prefer apple soda over cola.
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Well, both the Corona and Cuauhtémoc- Moctezuma breweries have gone to great expenses to market their two flagship products as utterly casual, while then marketing other beers as far more refined. Just the same as I wouldn't drink Nochebuena on the beach, I wouldn't drink Corona over Christmas dinner. And I wouldn't use either beer to marinade some meat: you have Barrilito, Budweiser or XX Amber for that.
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(Rural Australian here.) Solo... that lemonade type drink? A part of me wants to say that they've stopped making it; I can't remember seeing it in my shops for ages. Maybe only as tins.