I went for a long drive, and now I want to live again. · 4:23am Aug 19th, 2018
I haven't been this fucked up ever in my life. I probably should have been committed, but that's in the past. Early August I self-harmed with an X-Acto knife (now in the dump) on my upper legs and now I will probably have big ass scars forever, but the blood fortunately got mostly on the bathmat (which is now in the dump). I quit my summer jobs and have been doing nothing for most of the break, but I paid my rent two months in advance back in July when I still had sanity. I've slept probably around 16 hours a day every day, avoiding contact with roommates, only leaving my room to go to the door and get the Jimmy John's sandwich I ordered online and eating leftover cereal from my closet when I don't want to leave my room. I didn't shower for at least a week, I don't even know for sure. I logged into Fimfic two different times, but I couldn't even muster the energy to write an update or do anything or read anything. I haven't even gamed or watched funny videos, or wasted time with anything fun. I've just had this delusional fantasy that maybe if I just didn't eat hardly anything for days on end and slept, I'd die in my sleep. I was at emotional rock-bottom and I don't think I've ever been in a state of mind like that for such a prolonged period.
I planned to commit suicide August 14 and I wrote a suicide note I was going to post on Facebook and on here, but I never went through with it because on August 12, I went for a drive that ended up lasting 22 hours straight without including gas stops, while being fueled myself by nothing but Redbull, fast food burgers, and a 5 hour energy. Driving where? I didn't fucking care. Anywhere, who gives a shit. I went on four different interstates and exited off to a bunch of different places and looked around while in my car. The places weren't interesting, but hey, they were different places. Uninteresting, but who cares, right?
Well, except one. I stopped to get gas in Charleston, West Virginia. Big fucking mistake, because as I was driving around looking for where the cheaper gas was, I didn't know that Charleston, WV was my mental state represented by a city. Holy dick, what a shit hole. Shuttered houses everywhere, the air itself actually smelled bad, and it didn't help that the sun was almost down. I stopped at some gas station called "Go Mart" to fill up. Once I did, I stupidly pulled up into a parking space and went into the convenience store to get another Redbull.
Well, as I walked in, I noticed some sketchy ass people, three of them, suddenly appear out of thin air and start moseying over to the front of the station. It is the DEAD OF SUMMER, yet two of them were wearing hoodies with the hoods up, and one of them had a thick ass beard and sunglasses. Sun. Glasses. And it's almost night.
So, I walked to the coolers in the back of the convenience store and sat tight there for a minute. I realized that my plates were not from in-state, and I just filled up with a full tank of gas. I pulled out my phone and pretended to text or something, and I glanced over at them and I saw that they were not entering the store, but just bumbling around and trying to act casual while two of them stood over close to the front door, and one of them went over to a pump close to the passenger side of my car and pretended to be on his phone. At this point, it was looking like I was about to get carjacked or robbed, but since I was still thinking that August 14 is the big day in my mind at the time, I was in the mindset of having nothing to lose. I honestly wasn't even scared, which is genuinely crazy, I think.
So, I went down the aisle to the other part of the cooler, found two of the biggest glass bottled beverages I could find, grabbed them by the necks of the bottles and carried them to the counter. I started glancing over at the two guys close to the door, and my heart started pumping like mad, and I think I actually started smiling. Again, my mind state was fucked, so part of me was hoping these guys would try something. But once I started doing this, the guys, who had been inching closer this whole time, suddenly seemed to head back the way that they came, moseying away in the other direction very gradually. Both of them made eye contact with me and were already looking at me each time I glanced up at them.
The cashier rang me out, started putting the bottles in a bag, but I told him not to. I grabbed the two bottles by the necks again, carried one in each hand, and straight up STARED at the two guys as I was walking out. They were trying to act casual, but every single alarm bell was ringing in my brain at the time and I was ready to start swinging those bottles at their heads if they came at me. I had prepared my keys in my pocket to get into the car, and I fast-walked to get there. As I was getting in, making scarily sustained eye contact with the two guys over by the door who were frozen on the spot and looking right back at me, I realized that I now had no idea where the third dude was, and I got the biggest fucking chill up my spine I've maybe ever had. I slammed the doors, tapped the lock button, and slammed it in reverse. I literally burned rubber getting out of there, and I nearly ran into a fucking gas pump I peeled out of there so fast.
I headed home after that and... well, it's not poetic, it's not profound, or anything special, but I think I want to live again. I don't know why, but after that incident, I want to live. It shocked me, I guess? Like, I cleaned my room, I showered, I shaved my scraggly ass face, I went to the grocery store and got some bread and eggs, and I just feel like I want to live some more. I don't know why, I just do.
I'll try harder. I'll be alright. I read all of your guys' comments, and I thank you for caring and offering insights that I should, oh, I dunno, maybe fucking listen to once in a while. I'm sorry for being so self-centered and delusional. For now? Fuck it, I'll keep trying and just see what happens. I'm sorry for self-harming, that just isn't fair to anyone who knows me and it's just horrible. It isn't going to happen again.
Arwhale
I’m glad you’re doing alright
You're gonna be alright man, we have faith in you.
I won't tell you that it'll be okay. You've heard that so many times that it's not worth the effort to type it out. What I am going to say is this: you're better than who you were before.
The fact that you attempted to commit suicide, and that you had a date in mind, scares me. It makes my breath catch in my throat, my breastbone clench in worry, and makes the spot behind my eyes hot and wet. I haven't seen you before, nor talked to you, but life is precious, no matter who it is that has it. This is all you get. If you decide not to want it anymore, you will never get it again.
Now is the time to do good things and be a good person. I would recommend playing a new game. Going to the amusement park. Getting a girlfriend. Study for a college test. Eat a sandwich and relish the taste. Find beauty in things you ordinarily wouldn't have.
You need to seek help immediately. Self-harm and suicide are things that repeat. They don't just go away.
4922426
Oooh, riiiight! Forgot about that! That ain't good.
4922429
It's fine, it's fixed now.
I’m glad that things are looking better for you. I doubt everything for you is quite okay yet, but I’m relieved and glad that things are headed that way.
Dude, That's really scary. I'm glad you are alright, And I am glad you are rethinking. You have value, just the way I was talking to some family just a bit ago, Everyone has value, some just have to dig deeper within them selves to find it.
Go on a journey, look within yourself for meaning, you have a purpose on this earth.
Cry out to God, and he will answer you. I'm going to keep saying it, because if you ever come close, I want to make sure you know to ask Him to prove himself. because He will.
I believe in you. And I know you can survive, and you can thrive. A phoenix burns, but the burning brings rebirth.
You're not out of the woods yet, but it sounds like you've turned a corner. I really hope you manage to capitalize on this and make a lot of progress. We're all behind you and we're rooting for you.
Here if you need to talk man.
is here doing ok now?