• Member Since 12th Aug, 2017
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

chris the cynic

Someone who doesn't know how to describe herself, is always struggling with debilitating depression, and won't stop hanging onto the hope that happy endings are possible.

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I'm still alive and so are my stories · 6:34pm Aug 11th, 2018

I felt like checking in even though there's not actually anything new to say. Here goes:

The most common question I get asked these days is whether or not this or that fic is dead. No. Nope, it's not. That, however, isn't quite as good news as it might at first seem to be.

Here's the thing: the entire time I've been at Fimfiction my depression has been worse than usual, that's probably a contributing factor to why everything was so slow to be updated in the first place. Then, around March of this year, real life decided to intervene (again) and everything got so damned much worse. Additional blows were dealt in May and June.

Part of me is screaming that I should say, "I want nothing more than to be writing again," but I doubt that's true. Given wishes or whatnot, a lot of things would rank higher on the list. Still, writing is a huge part of who I am. I'm a storyteller. When I can't tell stories, that hurts. Also, if people think that my stories here have been on hold for a long time, you should see my Kim Possible stories, my "I'm going to rewrite these shit books so they don't suck" stories, and my original stories. Everything is languishing and that is so very much not good.

I want to be writing again. I would like nothing more than to go on there's that hyperbole again. I cannot describe how much I would like it if I could go on a marathon writing spree today and have new chapters of all of my ongoing stories by this time tomorrow.

Nothing is cancelled. Yeah, it's all absurdly delayed, but in my mind it's not even a hiatus because that, to me, implies that I'm putting it on the back burner which I'm not. I'm still trying. I'm just failing. (In perpetuity.)

~ * ⁂ * ~

The last time I made an update post I said this:

I am planning to start up a sort of scraps anthology thing. So when you see a story called "Fragments of the Multiverse" that'll be a place where I can post new writing even if the story surrounding it doesn't exist or hasn't reached that point yet. The hope being that even when whatever is stuck, I'll still be able to plop stuff in there and thus have new stuff for you to read.

That ended up changing into something else without me even realizing it, which is a big part of why it still hasn't been published yet in spite of it being . . . (I don't even know, months perhaps?) since I wrote it.

I'm going to change it back.

I think its true for writers in general, but it's definitely true for me, that feedback is a vital part of holding onto the will to keep writing. Otherwise all of the doubts and insecurities can take over. Mix that with depression and the result is that when I don't have concrete feedback telling me what people think, I feel like no one cares, everything I do is worthless crap, and I should just give up on writing altogether.

Obviously people can't give that feedback if I never release anything. So I should get something out there, and Fragments is the thing that actually has content right now. It can also have more content addedm, since I still have a thing or two sitting around somewhere that's got fragments already written.

~ * ⁂ * ~

So, yeah, I'm still here and still alive. My fics are too. Expect Fragments to be posted soon.

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Comments ( 1 )

I am glad to hear that you are alright. I know a few people with depressions myself and I hope you'll be able to conquer yours in time. I am going to keep an eye out for new chapters :twilightsmile:

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