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CoastalSarv


Old donkey from the north. Likes pie and strong black coffe.Avatar by KeePony: http://www.fimfiction.net/user/KeePony

More Blog Posts46

Oct
30th
2012

Humans in Equestria: Never before tested (???) and incredibly inane ideas · 4:53pm Oct 30th, 2012

This has nothing to do with any of my existing fics, but might be used in little slice-of-life comedy starring Diamond Tiara, rated Everyone, coming soon to this user.

Humans (knowns as "yahoos" in rural slang) are domesticated animals kept by ponies and some other talking peoples. They are large, hairless primates who are fully bipedal, giving the a similar stance as minotaurs, actaeons and such peoples, but any closer look reveals them to not be truly sapient.

Humans are rather clever, however, and can be trained to perform many useful tricks. They have extremely dextrous front paws and are very good at fetching, carrying and even simple craftswork. Before pony society was more integrated, the craftsponies in earth pony communities usually had a pet human to assist them. (Earth ponies, with their connection to the land, are generally better at handling animals, after all.) Nowadays, said craftspony is probably a unicorn or any pony using magical tools, but the practice persist in remote areas. City ponies find it a bit picturesque and quaint, and will undoubtley want to take pictures of the pony in question and her pet.

Even further back, noble earth pony warriors would go into battle with a war-trained human on their back, dressed in specially-made barding and armed with sharp and heavy objects. This might seem ridiculous, but was just one of many uses of beastmastery the earth tribes used to gain an advantage over unicorns, pegasi and non-ponies. The saddle, a piece of apparel used to allow your war-human to cling to you, still remains in use as an accessory. Ponies simply copied the nobles wearing them, and after the tribes unified it spread to other pony tribes, even if it is very hard to carry a human a longer distance unless you have earth pony strength (or the human is just a 'child' as young humans are properly called). After all, the modern saddle is just a symbol that shows you are supposedly an important pony.

Among wealthy earth ponies, some still keep humans for riding them as a status symbol. This is sometimes combined with athletic competitions where you must cooperate with your pet as you perform feats of strength and agility, or pure races. Other ponies, especially lower-class ones, generally doesn't understand the point of gymnastics with a trained ape strapped to your back, but the custom remains, and has spread to some noble unicorns and pegasi. However, lacking earth pony strength and stamina, they practice exclusively with children.

There exists a whole literary genre about foals (usually fillies) having a pet human. Most focus on using them in riding competitions, but the central theme is generally the friendship between a little filly and her beloved pet. Nevertheless, some of the authors see themselves forced to pad the stories with mystery solving, innocent romance between mounts, and wilderness adventure. While many little fillies (especially earth ponies) want to own a human it is an expensive pet. In the real world most have to satisfy themselves with renting humans at fairs or the like. There, you can pay a few bits to walk around in a circle with a human on your back. (The proprietors of such services are often donkeys, for unknown sociological reasons...) The saying "Yeah, and I want a human for Hearth's Warming, as well!" to show unrealistic dreams has some foundation in reality.

There are wild humans, but like most big animals they are kept a bit rare in Equestria by the ponies who tend the wilds. Just like bears, most ponies are a bit scared of them, and the wildtenders would tell you that just like bears, they can be dangerous. Never get between a human female (a 'woman') and her children! Humans are also pack animals, like many other big primates, so you will usually encounter several families. The biggest danger they pose is to crops - a family of humans can decimate an orchard or a potato field in no time. What they don't eat they will hide in an old tree bole or the like for later. They also have a magpie-like attraction to glittery things like glass, noble metals and gems, which they will also stash away when done playing with it. Hence, the saying "greedy as a human" and the literary cliché of somepony striking it rich by hitting valuables buried by a human.

Incidentally, for some reason the "barnyard tribes" - people like cattle and sheep - often has a neigh-superstitious fear of humans both wild and tame. They are usually portrayed as super-predators you scare your lambs and calfs with.

The Everfree Forest is sometimes said to hold really wild humans, but in that case they stay hidden. Other lore claims they have evolved strange magical powers, grown to great size or gained sentience. Undoubtly a local expert like Zecora the zebra knows more.

Zebra have never used humans as mounted pets, but have domesticated them to some extent, usually as guard creatures. Since they haven't the pony obsession with mastering their environment, zebra have more problems with wild animal eating their crops, but a tame human with a stick and some stones keeps them away. They also warn against burglars, robbers and predators like lions and hyenas.

Buffalo view the humans that live along the prarie rivers as another of the many animals in nature, and as such they play a role in their mythology. In Buffalo myth, Human is usually portrayed as a trickster, who among other things stole fire from the flaming feather bonnet of Big Chief Sun Mare and gave to the first buffalo couple, in return for a bowl of fresh milk. Following the myths, the famous buffalo leader Sitting Man was known for his great cunning. Ponyvillians are most likely to have noticed this through local eccentric Lyra Heartstrings; among her many hippie-esque new age-like beliefs is the idea that her totem is the human. She learnt this during an "authentic buffalo drumming ceremony" (performed by a pony who had never talked to a real buffalo). To most of the ponies in Ponyville, however, this is just one of the many kooky ideas Lyra spouts.

Diamond Dogs have to chase away humans from their burrows, since they are attracted to the gems they dig after. There is, however, a persistent legend among them about a breed of human that can sniff out the gems that form the center of their culture. A tip to conponies; only try that once on each pack of diamond dogs.

The popular Minotaur pankration style Seven Beast Stances uses one sub-style known as Man Style; it is based on picking up random objects and hitting people with them. Masked Mexicolt wrestling incorporated that up since it was widely used by novelty minotaur heel Melanfovos, The Black Terror, who used to be a serious pankrationist until the incident with the rock farmers. Of course, regular Mexicolt wrestlers, both pony and donkey, use their mouths instead, and it's called "yahoo wrestling".

Griffons sometimes eat humans. They have long since learnt that talking about their carnivore lifestyle and hunting traditions squick out other civilized people, so of course they do it all the time. They refrain from actually doing it outside their homelands, though, since being arrested for eating pets is not practical. In pony areas with many griffons, like Cloudsdale, fast food joints will serve fake human meat made from tofu. The most famous brand is Mockman, which is actually quite popular among working-class pegasi as well. Look for the happy human on the can!

Sometimes you just have to get ideas out of your head, you know?

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Comments ( 40 )

Genius...You mind if I make a fic of this?

This was pretty interesting. Only mildly really disturbing, but I liked it anyway.

461005
As long as you direct people to this silly essay, sure! (The fic I was planning was about spoilt Diamond Tiara getting her own human for her birthday, and being struck with that dreadful thing: responsibility! I assume your fic idea is nothing like that...)

"Actaeon"? That's the guy from Greek myth who was turned into a stag and torn apart by his own dogs when he accidentally saw Artemis bathing. So does that mean these "actaeons" are some manner of deer-men? Like a minotaur or a saytr/ faun?

461026 No, no it's not, and I probably won't start brainstorming ways to prewrite it for a while, but when I do, I'll be sure to send a link to this blog.

I enjoyed myself immensely while reading this, and give you my congratulations on turning a trope that (unfortunately, in my opinion) is usually unpopular and translating it into something that works well in universe. The way that you integrated humans as being essential the "Ponies" in the ponyverse was clever and well thought out. However, you didnt stop at just ponies but with other races that live in theponyverse as well and how they treat and view humans, which helped to greatly expand the idea. I believe with what you have written here, you will certainly inspire other authors to pursue this same idea and perhaps make a human in equestria story that may be far more enjoyed. After all, this idea is different than the usual human story, which is usually "brony goes to equestria" and should hopefully inject enough of something new into the genre. it has inspired me and my human in equestria project, so i thank you for giving me a better idea on what i should write. Hope to see more from you in the future!

461029
Yep; it's an obscure injoke. One edition of D&D had "actaeon" who were basically deer-minotaurs, named after the mythical character. They guarded forests.

461060 Ah, I should have figured D&D would be the source of that. I've never actually played the game, but the more I research it the more crazy monsters I find.

Don't forget Stichin's misinterpretation of Sumareian myth that says humans were a slave race designed to mine gold for aliens to spray in their atmosphere.

461070
I have the habit of making obscure off-hand mentions of things and comments given bye-the-bye without explaining them, because I somehow feel that it makes a fictional world feel real (even if it's just the relationships and such of a perfectly realistic story). Sometimes I can explain them, sometimes I can't, and sometimes I feel it's better if that kind of thing goes unexplained. This was the first one.

461078 It's cool, I understand.

461078 Also, I just HAVE to give you props on explaining the sheer fridge brilliance of why saddles and the like are considered high fashion in Equestrian society.

Whoa... this was very well thought-out and interesting. Some of us got weird ideas about humans in Equestria, but I think this one is up there with some of the best planned ones.:pinkiehappy:

Question, though: How big would a human be in this setting? [ noble earth pony warriors would go into battle with a war-trained human on their back, dressed in specially-made barding and armed with sharp and heavy objects. ] I did some calculations and ponies in MLP are about a fourth of a full grown human's height and half the weight, if not less. So how big would a human be, really with that in mind? :applejackconfused:

461117
Either ponies have more realistic proportions, or humans are cartoony as well. Really, whenever I try to imagine ponies as in the show in a non-toony setting, I tend to be hit by uncanny valley a bit.

Hah! Love the idea; it's the perfect sort of erudite parody that could work out in a really, really fun way. Bonus points if, at some point, a human from Earth shows up and ends up getting the Planet of the Apes Ponies treatment. :pinkiehappy:

The whole paragraph about Griffin had be laughing out loud. Especially the bit where they talk about their carnivorous way on purpose just to squick others :rainbowlaugh: what a bunch of jerks! :rainbowlaugh:

461123 I'd like to think humans in a FiM work would be inspired by Lauren Faust's style. For exemple they would look somewhat like Milky Way and the Galaxy Girls. Or her DC Nation shorts.

This sure does look nice!!!
It reminds me of Chains though :]. If you decide to write something in this world, I will certainly read it!

461157
Thanks! Humans in ''Chains'' are sentient, however. Humans in this version are mere animals. (OTOH, the "mere" animals in this world include Angel Bunny, so....)

461147
The point about mutated humans in the Everfree Forest was just so a trapped brony would have trouble getting anypony who understands him to believe he is from another dimension and not just Mr Ed. As for other sentient humans, I was actually thinking of Kamandi, the Last Boy on Earth...

461153
The main point in this case was size, so that they would be the same size relative to a My Little Pony as a real human would be to a real pony (not a real horse; that's why you need to be an earth pony or Roid Rage to carry a human on your back for a longer bit). As for style, I agree completely! :pinkiesmile:

For some reason my favorite part of this is the bit about ponies going to fairs and paying for the privilege of giving human rides. The concept subversion in that imagery is just hilarious to me.

Oh sweet poisidon, that is creaking brilliant!
I may have thought vaguely about something like this, but this is much better than anything I could have come up with.
*importing to headcanon*
*headcanon file secured*
I think that I could legitimately use this...
All credit goes to you for the idea of course.

being a huge TMI fan I have to ask... did twilight ever considered this for her trans-species fetishes? :twilightsheepish:
the image of Rarity riding Twilight from Heartswarming eve comes to mind :raritystarry:
also, even the most primitive human tribes hunt, does that mean wild humans hunt too? if so, would that reflect negatively on their image?
I mean, vicious human tribes who hunt in forests and steal crops... or kidnap and eat chicken or pigs...

463592
No, since they are animals, and Twilight isn't into beastiality. But there was a loose idea for TMI of humans-as-a-fictional-sentient-fantasy-species, and of some sort of Gor-like book series about humans having ponies as slaves, and Lyra being a fan (to Bon-bon's chagrin). The idea was that the couples meet at a fetish club and Bon-bon has to explain what the hell Lyra is on about. (Hint: I'm not a big Gor fan). The point was Bon-Bon and Rarity talking about how to handle a relationship when you want different things, how you adapt and compromise, while being in a bizarre Canterlot S&M club...

When wild, these humans hunt about as much as chimps in the real world, maybe a little more. Mostly small prey, they just chase away lions and the like from carcasses to eat big animals. Remember that their tool use is on chimp level as well, so they don't have spears or bows, cannot dig pits or make traps, etc. Like most big omnivores in the real world they are not that dangerous to peple if you're careful. Note that this is not that different from bears, which are also dangerous omnivores and one of the many species ponies care for in the Equestrian wilds. Hey, Fluttershy gives one a massage. Tame humans aren't given much meat, unless the owner is some sort of weirdo (or possibly a griffin). Meat is rare and expensive in Equestria anyway.

463639
the idea...hmm, interesting...
I hope you haven't scrapprd it completly
also... do you plan on actually writing someone in a heterosexual relationship? because if this goes on, Ponyville might face a rather bad population crisis in few years :derpytongue2:
Not that I have anything against the idea, mind you. Everyone knows I'm a huge supporter of hot mare on mare action :twilightsmile:
you should know, you saw my gallery :pinkiecrazy:

463656
I don't feel like writing any more in the TMI-verse, so it's very much a moot point, but in my headcanon for that series several other people are perfectly straight. However, I had no idea for a romance for any of them, really. I could possibly blame the series and say it lacks interesting males, but that doesn't help much.

Excellent post, Nice to read a neutral treatment about humans.

469091
Thanks! It's always fun to earn some praise!:pinkiehappy: I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "neutral" though.:rainbowhuh:

469141
Yeah, I worded it oddly. I mean you're talking about humans without a biased. We hear about humans in Equestira and all that. But here we have a take on humans just as if you're talking about bears or some other species of wild animal. You're not making them out to be special or cool, they're just there.

Normally I despise anything HiE, but I find your ideas quite intriguing.
I agree with DPV111 and djthomp; I love all the concept subversion (I wonder if the donkeys also rent trained humans to play basketball for fundraisers?).

470574
"There is no rule in the book that we can't have a human in our hoofball team!"

I am both amused and offended by this.

I refuse to be a pet, damn it!

484271
Oh, there are wild humans you know! :trollestia:

484639

That is a good point.....

I like this...

someone needs to make a fanfic about this!

these "humans" sound morel like neanderthals

1384453
They wouldn't be as funny if they weren't "humans, except as smart as animals". And as far as I know (and a quick check on wikipedia seems to confirm it: here) actual neanderthals had tool use, burials, etc. That page might be wrong, or you might mean "neanderthal" as in the colloqiual "apemen" (things like Australopithecus or whatever) and that would be closer... however...

However, the main point is that this is a silly joke that hinges on contrasting "domestic animal" and "intelligent being". Ponies are already intelligent beings in the series; I'm playing with the idea that humans are domesticated animals as well, because of Rule of Funny. The same thing appears, of course, in Gulliver's Travels, Planet of the Apes franchise and the original version of Kamandi (which has such lovely things as the perfectly intelligent human protagonist saved from slavery by human rights activists once - that is, they were animal rights activists, and were angry with how his "owner" treated his "pets").

Actual biology have little to do with it. Remember: this is a world with poison joke instead of poison oak, literal timber wolfs and fruit bats, and a world clearly designed for opposed thumbs where all the dominant species are ungulates...

1385255:rainbowlaugh::rainbowwild: yeah

but what about the "humans" REALLY are neanderthals and intelligent humans found from some place found out about this?

it would make an interesting fic

1385255 :pinkiegasp: Will this be made into an actual story? I hope so, I really like it so far :pinkiehappy:

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