200 Followers ｡゜(｀Д´)゜｡

It's 6AM at the time of writing this very sentence and my insomnia's kicking in.

Six years on the site and honestly, it's pretty amazing that I'm still around. Granted, half of my stories (actually, all of my stories) aren't completed, and I don't know for the life of me how long it would take to do all of that, but if the next six years were like this, I'm definitely sticking around a little longer. I'm not one for cheesy speeches, so I just wanna give a quick thank you to everyone who stuck around from maybe even five minutes ago. If you told me that I'd have all of you guys and girls along for the ride this whole time, I'd be puking with laughter. Still, thanks a lot for being here.

There are some things about me that I wanna get off my chest though.

I know I'm not the most consistent person on this site. As someone who values, if not demands consistency, I really fucking hate myself for not getting stuff out when I promised to get them out. Even some time ago, I couldn't bring myself to publish the latest chapter of Panthalassa every time I came back to look at it all because I felt something was a little iffy. It was supposed to come out last week but I only managed to do so just now. I can't tell how long this habit of mine is gonna persist. It's a problem, I know it is, yet I just don't know how to find a way around it. I feel like it's a motivational thing, but honestly, I've no fucking idea on what it might be.

Second thing is how inauthentic I can sound in these blog posts and personal interactions with other people. Even now, I feel like the shit I'm currently putting into words seems like something I'm drawing up just to get some words of sympathy. I've always been socially anxious, even around my own close group of friends, so I think I've always tried my best just to sound right for everyone watching and reading, even now. It's something that I don't know if I could bring myself to change, and I'm honestly a bit disappointed if it's actually the case. What's worse is that sometimes I feel like it's slipping into my writing, which is, in my book, the worst problem that I would ever, ever need to face and rectify immediately.

Third, and possibly the one I'm wariest of, to the point where I don't share this willingly with a lot of people, I feel like I'm always on the edge of something. Like I'm one step away from losing it, one step away from doing something I'll come to regret. Again, I say something, but it's more of an amalgamation of things. I'm sensible enough to not do those things, of course, but sometimes, it's just tempting me. I'm terrified. Really, really terrified, to the point where I couldn't bring myself to write anything for days because it keeps gnawing at my head. I don't know if it's going to be something I'll be living with for the rest of my life, cause it's been with me for a while now, but I'm hoping that it leaves me alone for as long as it possibly can. This is not a cry for help, by the way. It's just something that I'm putting out to calm my nerves a little. Same reason I do a bit of rambling here and there. It's not something that I feel people should need to solve, and that I can only be free of it if I do it myself, if that makes any sense.

I know it's not a typical message to celebrate 200 followers with, but I think it's only fair that I have to be a bit more honest with you guys, even if most of you aren't around on the site for months now, maybe even years. That, and I also promised a face reveal somewhere when I reached 200. I'll put a picture up once I found one I can be proud of, lol.

So what else is there to talk about? Well, I've just updated Panthalassa, though I'm sure those you guys who are reading it have read it already.

Apart from that, I was also fresh off reading Rune Soldier Dan's The First Flame. Pretty sure you can't miss it, what with it being featured and everything. It's a hell of a story, so please, for the love of God, don't miss it.

Lastly, for you guys, I hope you'll be sticking around a bit longer. My head's crammed full of ideas that I'm really, really, really excited to show everyone and I really can't wait to be able to do that.

As for me personally, I guess I just have to keep striving, like I always do.

Thanks for listening in.