Never Too Clever: Turnabout Sorcery Preview · 1:36am Jul 24th, 2018
Since I, like a fool, accidentally bungled the latest chapter of Never too Clever by unpublishing it and republishing it, it didn’t appear on most people’s feeds.
(Pictured: me waiting for comments that I know won’t arrive.)
So to help get the story back on my follower’s feeds, I’ve decided to start work on the next chapter early. I’ve included a preview of what I’ve written so far below.
The courtroom was awash with a sea of murmuring and chattering. None of the deer in the audience could seem to decide on what to think of the masked prosecutor that had taken the bench across from Clover and his assistant. Clover, for that matter, couldn’t decide what to make of her either.
“Oh ho ho ho,” she chuckled, “whatever is ze matter, Herr Clover? Has ze Almighty von Ego impressed you so thoroughly that you’re at a loss for words?”
The only response Clover could bring himself to give was a very long, drawn-out “Uhhhhhhh...”
Kluge leaned a foreleg against her bench, her face curled into what was possibly the most self-satisfied grin Clover had seen in his life. “Now, now, there’s no need to be so modest. Ze Almighty von Ego knows you are no doubt impressed beyond all measure. Feel free to bestow upon von Ego as many lavish praises as you would like.”
“Clover!” Rubedo hissed. “What is going on? Just who is this stuck-up jerk? And why is she always referring to herself in the third deer?”
“Third pony,” Clover gently corrected. “And I think you just answered your own question.”
The Judge’s gavel tapped lightly against his bench. “Order! Order, I say!” At once, the background noise of the courtroom quieted to nothing. “M-miss von Ego, was it. Are you... a unicorn?”
“That is correct, Your Magistry,” said Kluge.
The Judge’s eyes went wide. “But... why? Is the Gray Wanderer not considered among the greatest heroes of your kind? Why prosecute him?”
Kluge harumphed. “A foolish question,” she said, “one that would only make sense to ze most foolhardy fools in all of fooldom. Ze so-called Gray Wanderer has committed a crime that must not go unanswered.” Her horn flared with cyan light, and a tiny, crackling display of multicolored fireworks filled the space behind her. “And I, ze Almighty Kluge von Ego, am a child of karma! I was put on this world for one purpose, and that is to deliver unto ze guilty their divinely ordained punishment! If anything, you should all be thanking your deities for my presence!”
“Well, I guess you can’t fault her lack of theatrics,” Rubedo commented.
“Yeah,” said Clover. “But this court runs on theatrics, doesn’t it? We could be in a lot of trouble here if that’s the level of ham we’re going up against.” Seriously, just listen to that accent! There’s no way she’s not playing that up deliberately!
Another smirk crossed Kluge’s face. She sat up and reached outwards, gesturing her hoof towards Clover in a beckoning motion. “There is no doubt in my mind that Herr Clover ze Foolish understands ze weight of his master’s atrocities. If ze defense insists on fighting a hopeless battle, then ze Almighty von Ego wishes to spare him ze pain of a prolonged trial. Your Magistry, if you please?”
“R-right, of course,” said the Judge. “In that case, the prosecution may begin its opening statement.”
“You are too kind, Your Magistry,” said Kluge, giving a short little bow. “Now then... yesterday, as you all are more than aware, His Majesty King Cedarborn was found dead in ze courtyard of his royal palace with a hole burned straight through his chest. Ze investigators quickly concluded foul play. Ze only suspect? None other than Star Swirl himself!
Not only were ze fabled Gray Wanderer’s hoofprints found at ze scene, we have also found trace amounts of thaumic charge lingering in the air, ze likes of which only a unicorn’s spell could create.”
“Huh?” said Rubedo. “Thaumic charge? Clover, why didn’t you tell me that?”
“Don’t worry, it’s not what it seems like,” Clover replied. “Master said he’d teleported away before the murder took place. That’s probably where the spell residue came from.”
Rubedo bit her lower lip. “But you haven’t figured out how to prove that yet, have you?”
“Um... well, no. But—”
“A-heh-hem!” Kluge said, very loudly clearing her throat. “If ze defense is done muttering foolishly to themselves, ze Almighty von Ego would like to continue. As ze prosecution was saying, we have evidence linking Star Swirl to ze crime. In addition, we also have a motive. We know for a fact that ze bearded fool was making advances on Her Majesty Queen Gladeroot mere hours before.”
The courtroom once again broke out into a wave of chattering, the sounds of voices echoing across the wooden walls.
“Order, Order!” the Judge called out. The pound of his gavel resounded sharply and clearly, instantly silencing the chorus of voices. “A-attempting to court the Queen!? But that’s... even if it’s not strictly illegal, that alone would be cause to make the Gray Wanderer a pariah in our lands!”
“Indeed,” said Kluge. “And apparently His Majesty agreed. For he met with Star Swirl in ze courtyard that night, no doubt to confront him for his lechery. It there that an argument broke out and...” Her horn flared to light once again, and the sound of a firecracker rang out. A cyan star suddenly burst out and crackled in the center of the courtroom, leaving trails of glittering motes that fell to the floor as they vanished. “...just like that, His Majesty was dead. In conclusion, Star Swirl is without a doubt, without question, guilty of all charges.”
“Hooooom... yes, according to your version of events, it would most certainly seem so,” said the Judge.
“OBJECTION!” Clover shouted. He forcefully slammed his front hooves against the bench, meeting the Judge with an intense stare. “Your Magistry, you can’t say that just yet! The defense has yet to cross-examine any witnesses that may have been involved!”
The Judge gave a sagely nod. “That is also true. We cannot reach a conclusion to this trial based on hasty judgements. Well, Miss von Ego? Does the prosecution have any witnesses prepared to testify?”
“Do you even need to ask?” Kluge boasted. “Behold! For ze Almighty von Ego’s first trick, ze prosecution will call its first witness to ze stand!”
Another flash of light erupted from Kluge’s, and a thick cloud of smoke materialized on the witness stand with a loud puff! When the smoke cleared, a very broad-shouldered, very familiar stag had appeared just behind it.
Eucalyptus’s eyes darted back and forth, scanning the courtroom. “Huh? Hey, what’s going on, pal? How the heck did I get here?”
“Witness,” said Kluge, “for ze sake of ze record, please state your name and occupation.”
For those wondering, Kluge is pronounced “klu-geh”. And yes, her descendant is exactly who you think it is. ;)
Star Swirl scowled. "You remind me of a very obnoxious unicorn who tried to convict me for a murder I didn't commit."
The mare's reaction was not at all what he expected. "Star Swirl the Bearded spoke to me! This is the greatest day of Trixie's life!"
Star Swirl's jaw worked silently for a few moments. Then he did what he always did when confronted with idiocy that exceeded his expectations. He turned to the uni— the alicorn next to him and said, "Clo— Styg— Twilight. Explain."
She gave him a wry smirk. "You didn't think I was your only fanfilly, did you? You're kind of a celebrity among arcanists, and Trixie did go to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. Briefly."
"That filly running a school..." Star Swirl shuddered and fell back on tried-and-tested reflexes. "Trixie. Explain."
"He knows my name!"
"I miss Limbo."