Was This Trip Really Necessary?

Hello, dear readers. I just flew in from Canada, and boy are my arms tired. So are my feet. So is my everything. This past weekend has been one of my family's forced Pain Endurance Jaunts, otherwise known as 'going hiking'. I am not an 'outdoor' person. I am not an 'exercise' person. I am not a 'vacation' person, mostly because this means that I will inevitably end up in a bed with one of my immediate family members, all of whom snore and take up far too much valuable body-spreading space. Of course, I am also not a 'complaining' person, because I do love my family very much and am willing to tolerate these little foibles. But. I am too bitter to not let my feelings on this matter out somewhere. So, here we are.

Day 1: Woke up at 4:00 AM. Drove to Chicago to catch flight at 10:00. Arrived 6:30, walked aimlessly around airport and read short stories until flight arrived. Continued to read stories on flight. Finished book of stories. Tried to listen to podcasts and found that Bluetooth headphones do not work when your device is in airplane mode. Sighed. Landed in Calgary around noon, drove to hotel in Banff. Collapsed giddily into bunk bed, but not for long. We drove into town and looked at shops. Went on exceedingly brief hike and saw a waterfall. Was buggy, but not completely dreadful. Went grocery shopping and bought Klondike Bars. Highlight of my day.

Day 2: Woke up at 6:00 AM. Drove to Lake Louise. Weather overcast and drizzly. Overall, a promising start to a sunburn-free day. Started up an extremely steep path. Got over half a mile before the downpour struck. We put on ponchos. It began to hail. We turned back. Arrived at parking lot soaking wet. Sun came out almost immediately. After I had subtly flipped off the clouds, we went to dry our jackets under the hand driers in the public bathrooms. All had Kit-Kats to keep up morale, then started around the lake. Discovered that lake trail was not actually a loop. Parents decided to take the trail branching off of it up into the mountains. What ensued was a fairly grueling six hours of climbing over exceedingly rough terrain. According to my sister, we walked about twelve miles. To put this in context, I usually walk two or three miles a day over smooth terrain or on a treadmill. At one point, our path was completely blocked by a snowdrift twice as tall as I am, and we were forced to turn back. Near the end of the hike, we attempted to reach a tea house. This involved climbing over half a mile up rocky terrain that was closer to vertical than horizontal. Even mom and dad suggested we turn back. But we were out of water, and I had lost my reason some miles back. Eventually we made it and were overcharged grossly for four subpar lemonades. At least I was no longer in danger of dehydration. But then we had to climb down. I spent all that afternoon curled up in bed with the chills and painful foot cramps. Dinner was pizza at a very nice restaurant. Highlight of my day.

Day 3: Woke up at 6:00, drove to Johnson Canyon. Hike was somewhat shorter today, only took four hours overall and was partially paved, at least at first. Also, there were a lot of waterfalls. The first of these was the nicest, and actually brought some warmth to my heart. I had thought it had died yesterday, but apparently not. After the second waterfall, we started on the much harsher section of trail. There were mosquitoes. Lots of them. There was also a lot of uphill. Way more than there should've been, in my opinion, considering how much downhill came after it. Like, can you not just make a flat path, Mother Nature? How about you, park officials? No? Ugh. We did get to see the Inkpots, though, which are rather pretty pools of blue-green water made by natural springs. It was nice, and there were benches. Then we headed back to the car. This was complicated by the frankly ludicrous number of hikers that had turned up since we'd been there. At 7:00, it was dead. At noon, it was abuzz with life. I was not onboard with this change, although it did mean a distinct uptick in the amount of dogs I got to see. Pizza for dinner at a different, but equally nice, restaurant. Highlight of my day.

Day 4: Woke up 8:00, hiked two hours on a different trail. It was less steep than the other two, but much more overgrown. On our way back to the car, we got slightly lost and had to hike over several fallen trees to get back to the path. Left hotel, drove back to Calgary. We are apparently just in time for Stampede, which is like a state fair, except bigger. We mostly ignore this and go to the zoo. I am promised a museum visit, as well. The zoo is okay, I guess. It would have been better if fewer of the animals hadn't been asleep. Highlights of this included river otters, an owl sanctuary, giraffes, wolves, and black bears. One of the black bears was all white, which apparently is a thing. They're called 'honey bears', which is cute. Low-lights included the prehistory exhibit and the map, as well as the entire layout of the zoo, which was nonsensical and confusing. The art museum was excellent. I looked at minerals that glowed in the dark, told stories about ancient battles to my sister, explored Canadian history, and skimmed through an exhibit on the Blackfoot Indigenous Americans. I would've stayed longer, but the museum wasn't going to be open much longer. The best part was the exhibit on Alex Janvier, who does really remarkable abstract paintings full of color and movement. Really, look up his work, it's really neat. I also got to do a little art of my own with watercolor pencils. I drew the Crystal Heart. My parents were not quite as into the museum as I was, but that's okay. We are all unique. I am not a hiking person. My parents are not art people. Dinner was a very acceptable lasagna. Overall, this was the best day of my vacation. The hotel was okay, but I had to share a bed with my dad, who snores like someone trying to start a power washer but who has forgotten to remove the choke.

Day 5: Today. Woke up at a time. I don't know when. Not sure I ever fell asleep. All went down for breakfast at 7-ish. I had waffles, which were served with strawberry-cinnamon cream cheese. This was a better idea for a dish than Casu Marzu (rotten sheep cheese served with live maggots), but not by much. Came with sliced honeydew and cantaloupe, which are detestable. Arrived at airport around 8:00 for a flight leaving around noon. Flight was delayed. I may have slipped into hibernation at some point. Odd fact, the security checkpoint in Canada was actually much more thorough than the one in the US. Also much more congested. Eventually got on plane, waited a brief eternity for it to finish puttering around the runway, immediately flew into turbulence. On flight, solved a crossword puzzle with mom and finished another book of short stories. Upon arrival at 5:30, searched for the right shuttle to take us to our parking garage. Due to traffic, it took us about an hour and a half just to reach our car-- never a good sign. At least I could listen to podcasts now. Got dinner at Subway. Finally arrived home at 9:00. THAT was the highlight of my day.

In summary: I walked too much, had to be in way too many pictures, was emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted by spending too much time with other humans, and all I got was a lousy t-shirt. I hate vacations. This was but the beginning of the affair, too. I've got two more big trips this summer. One with my extended family on dad's side (not mom's side, NEVER mom's side), and one to get me set up at college. That's definitely going to be an easy, not at all emotionally-charged and complex trip.

-6&7