Takka Takka Takka: June 2018 - Emergency Stop · 3:48pm Jul 3rd, 2018
Hi folks.
This month’s Takka Takka Takka is going to be a little different. Okay, a lot different.
Might as well get the big thing out of the way: I’m going on hiatus for a minimum of a month, maybe longer.
As some of you know, I’ve been having a really hard time in the last few months. In truth, the last year and a half have been mentally and emotionally brutal. While I usually use my writing for therapy and to help work out those problems, that hasn’t been working lately.
There’s this incredibly frustrating stigma attached to mental health issues (I hate the term ‘mental illness’). I’m sick of it, so I’m pulling back the curtain.
I’ve talked about these before. Most of the issues I have, I’ve lived with for most of my life, including severe ADHD, anxiety, depression and (as I recently discovered), obsessive compulsive disorder. There are, of course, many other things at play that are a bit personal to get into on here. It’s complicated.
For most of my life, I’ve been taking medication for ADHD. Aside from a 4-5 year span in my early twenties where I believed “I didn’t need medication for this crap, because I’m strong enough” (an attitude that ruined me from getting a BA, for the record), I’ve been on meds and they’ve worked. However, I discovered over the years that due to reasons beyond my understanding, I require a specific form of generic of one medication.
This form of generic has been progressively harder to acquire in recent years, until about two months ago where I called twenty pharmacies in my area and none had it.
This forced me to try other forms of medication… with very bad results.
Add this to the relatively recent diagnoses of depression, then anxiety and most recently, OCD… well, everything’s sort of gone to hell.
Due to this and other personal problems, I haven’t been able to write in weeks. I know, I know. I’m the poster child for writing discipline. I’m always preaching about routine, dedication, commitment, and hard work. But I’ve finally realized that there are times where you simply can’t handle it.
This chaos has impacted every aspect of my life. My wife, my kids, my job, my writing, my social life, my online life, my design work… everything. The amount of effort required to focus on a single task to completion is insane (even this blog post).
So.
Let’s talk about where the stories stand.
The Wavelengths Timeline
I wanted to make sure I finished A Study on Chaos Theory (did you know I almost always write that as “A Study in Chaos Theory?” No idea why). I needed to stick it out until then. That Retrospective for Chaos Theory probably isn’t going to happen, sorry to say. Maybe I can touch on the stuff when I finish the Dreamers Arc.
I know I didn’t exactly leave Sunset or her friends in the best of situations, but I still intend to finish Wavelengths. And the next story is in the middle of a massive rewrite…
Phew, I have a lot of work ahead of me. But this needs to be pushed to the side for a while.
MLP: Unity
I’ve been meaning to publish Silver Lining for months now, but an editor pointed out that the early parts of the story aren’t really up to my usual standards. Sadly, I’m in no state to actually edit anything right now, so this story is on hold. In Transit, which will come about directly after Silver Lining (and is a collaboration with my fantastic friend and fellow RPer, Tsitra), is also on hold.
I’ve got a handful of other stories set in this universe, and right now, I’m trying to write a cute Slice of Life story with Bee’s sister, Golden Aura, going clubbing during college. It’s just a fun, silly, goofy story about Aura and how flirty she is.
Hopefully, I’ll putter around with this during my hiatus, if only to prevent myself from getting completely rusty.
Other Universes
I’m honestly not worrying about other worlds right now. I still have so much I want to do, but right now, I can’t handle more.
Why
I’m not posting this fishing for compliments or advice. While my confidence in my writing may be shot for various reasons, at its core, this actually isn’t about my stories. It’s about the fact that I’ve let my mental health slide for months… probably years. I’ve hidden from problems I should have confronted. I’ve repressed elements of myself that should have been integrated. I’ve let relationships slide, remained blind to my own flaws and basically been running from all my problems forever.
And yes, I’ve had plenty of warnings… I’ve just been too afraid to do anything about it. Forcing myself to remain busy so I don’t have to face the person in the mirror and realize just how many cracks they have.
Well, I finally tripped and faceplanted. And I’m going to be getting the help I need. I’ll be seeing medical professionals to assist me in this. I’ll likely be also leaving work for a time as well (thank God for short-term disability), so this is really an “across-the-board” departure (though I don’t plan on leaving Discord, but I’ll be much less active on it). I should also state I have no intention of starting any game projects during this time (and I’ll go into what’s happening with GoE at a later time).
Last Thoughts
I am sorry. I’ve promised you a lot of new stories lately and haven’t delivered and I’m leaving Wavelengths in a rough place. But the truth is, Sunset’s Angry Little Pony isn’t something that just came to me. I write that monster so well because I have one myself… and I’ve got to find a way to lock it back in its cage (assuming I can’t kill it outright).
I’ll be honest. I’ve got no idea how to end this blog, so I’m going to borrow a page from Mono. She’s done a couple earnest posts here and there about what’s really going on in her life and her struggles. I don’t feel this is the same thing, but I do love how she ends hers.
The point of this is that you’re aware. It’s important to me that you know. So, ummmm… post SunLight or SkyPie pics! Or something cute. Really cute. Like !murderbycute, cute.
I’ll see you on the other side.
-Novel Idea
Hope walks with you, and beckons Luck to join.
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Take as long as you need. We can't ask you to prioritize horsewords over your own well-being. Here's hoping it all goes swiftly and smoothly.
I'll miss you, Novel, but I support your decision to take a break. Thank you for letting us know, and good luck going forward.
I know very well how you feel and am sorry you do. Take as long as you need and do whatever you must to feel better. We'll be here for you whenever you need us.
Hope you get better. Good luck, and stay strong.
I kinda know where you are coming from. I have ADHD, Tourrettes, Autism, OCD and a few other fun but less severe conditions as well. I was on a meddly of high powered medication for a long long time. Not having insurance at the time i was relying on my psychiatrist givingvme massive amounts of the free samples she was given to get by. It worked for many years but...
The medications were destroying my bodies ability to function on its own. I was fine when i was on it all but missing even a single dose caused me to essentially implode. I could not fall asleep without it, and any rest i got was plagued by night terrors, waking nightmares, and sleep paralysis. That was after missing one days dose. It was bad, real bad and i still remember it all in vivid detail.
Then, the samples dried up. My choices were start going without it all, or go bankrupt insideof 4 months paying for thousands of dollars of medication a month. I took the former, having to essentially go cold turkey off of them all.
I was dead on my feet for months after. The process was excruciating. I was operating less than an hour of sleep for the 2 month duration. Luckily my managers at work were really empathetic about it and were accomodating yo the fact i was only marhinally aware of my surroundings.
Eventually though i hit the end point, and with just a singke melatonine tablet at night i can sleep again. I still have my issues, but I’ve gone through a lot of training to manage them.
I’m not saying this is gor you, we’re all different. I just want you to know i understand where you are coming from and wish you the best. I know its hard, painful even, but no matter how hard it gets, always remember ‘It’s always darkestbefore the dawn’
Take care man, and good luck
You don't have to apologize. Take the time you need.
Best wishes.
Take all the time you need, and take care
As a fellow writer who has a few things going on in his head, good luck Novel! Take as much times as you need!
And your requested Skypie!
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And while I know it's not a picture, it's still skypie dangit!
I hope everything works out well for you, Novel. Here's some Sunlight for you.
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Take your time, man, as much as you need! Hope things improve for you.
I mean you've probably seen these, since there aren't nearly enough out there, but...
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Get well, hopefully soon!
...I can't really say more, because it would either be platitudes or not helpful, since I don't know what to really say here...
But I hope you can find what you need, and I selfishly hope that you don't stop writing permanently.
Good luck Novel Idea! Do what you need to do, and put your mental health first - we're going to miss you, but it's for the best. Your own health and life come before Fimfiction, and always should. I suffer from Asperger's Disorder, and have the misfortune of showing signs of anxiety and depression because of that, so I know where you're coming from in that regard, to a certain extent. I know it can be downright terrible to deal with. I sincerely hope and wish that you'll find a way to target this problem and improve. I know you can do it, you've done some pretty hard things, and have built some amazing disciplinary habits with your writing. It's just a matter of getting the right help and direction, and focusing it in the right spots. If anyone can overcome it, it's you. I'm sure you've seen it before, but have a cute and cozy Sunlight!
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Do what you need to to get better. We're all wishing you the best.
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Take care, man!
I'll be right here when you return.
<3
Do what you need to to get better. I never liked the idea of the “starving artist” or the one who “suffers for their work.” Self care is a big issue that artists need to talk about, so thank you for taking the time to write a post. Another author once told me “honor your circumstances.” I’ve basically taken that to mean it is sometimes necessary to close the computer and put the words on hold, and that’s okay! Take the time you need and do what you need to do.
Hope to se you soon!!!
dude, take as long as you need
Rest, recuperate, heal. Take care of you.
And if/when you get your legs back under you, with a fire in your heart and a keyboard under your fingers, know that an army stands at your back.
Hey, you have to come first. Take care of yourself, when you're ready all your fans will be here. I know I will be I love your work and I can't wait to see what comes next but, that can wait till you are ready. Don't let others dictate what you do. you do you. As web of hope said:
It's a good sentiment and I agree.