Rogue Galaxy Abridged, Part I

Reminder: I'm still doing a complete video playthrough of the game. This is just an abridged MST of the plot I wrote some years back that I happened to find on my hard drive.

Prelude: In A Galaxy Far, Far Away...

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Stuff That Isn't Important To The Plot

In the game's prologue, we learn that the galaxy is caught up in a war between the Longardians and the Draxians. This war doesn't seem to have any bearing on the plot except as a convenient excuse for several game events, and as a reason for dozens of Longardian soldiers (who wear blatant Imperial Stormtrooper armor) to be all over several of the game's planets—and to be completely ineffectual when they try to do anything. In fact, almost the entire game takes place within a single solar system—which, strangely enough, has multiple inhabited planets, several of which are a single-ecosystem environment.

Act I: Mistaken Identity

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Shit Happens On Planet Litterbox

The story begins on the desert planet Tattooine Arrakis Rosa. Of course, being a Big Bad Nasty Empire, the Longardians have basically enslaved all the citizens of Rosa and forced them to live in poverty and near-famine. This is where we meet our hero, Jaster Rogue (voiced by Will Friedle, using his Terry/Batman voice, not his Ron Stoppable voice), who apparently spends most of his days hunting chocobos "mish" in the desert to sell to the Longardians in exchange for rations for the hungry children of Salgin, his hometown.

Jaster, we learn, was orphaned on the doorstep of the church as an infant, and the priest, Raul, has raised him his entire life. Now seventeen, Jaster wants nothing more than to get off Rosa and become a Jedi like his father see the universe.

So anyway, the story opens with Salgin suddenly suffering a massive invasion of monsters which, apparently, don't ordinarily get into town—but for the remainder of the game, will appear in Salgin with alarming regularity. Jaster is determined to deal with the monsters, because hey, it's his hometown, and the Longardian soldiers are about as useful as an asshole in your armpit. As he runs through town, a mysterious hooded man with a BIG-ASS SWORD comes along to help him.

Meanwhile, a strange duo of space strangers enters the town. Simon, a pudgy little whatever-the-hell in a full-facial gas mask, and C-3PO Steve, a protocol droid navigator robot. They're on Rosa searching for a legendary bounty hunter who goes by the name Desert Claw.

Smack in the middle of the hunt for the giant beast wrecking the town, the hooded man up and abandons Jaster, giving him his BIG-ASS SWORD and a battle recorder. Jaster complains, but the hooded man is already gone—and two hulking, stone-skinned giant things pop up out of the sand. Luckily, with his new BIG-ASS SWORD, Jaster is able to quickly dispatch these. As soon as the battle ends, the duo of Simon and Steve show up, see Jaster's sword, decide he has to be the legendary hunter Desert Claw, and try to drag him off to their ship. He refuses, since there's still that big nasty beast wrecking the town, so Simon and Steve agree to tag along with him until he kills the monster, after which they'll force him to go back to his ship. At no point does Jaster ever agree to any of this...but also at no point does he tell them he isn't Desert Claw.

(Incidentally, it turns out the sword he was given is the Desert Seeker, one of the fabled Seven Star Swords, and the hooded man was, of course, the real Desert Claw.)

After defeating the giant rampaging monster, Jaster properly introduces himself to Simon and Steve. Still under the impression that Jaster is Desert Claw, they explain that their boss wants to hire him. Jaster realizes that the man who gave him the sword is the real Desert Claw, but decides to play along for a few minutes. When he asks the two who their boss is, he's astonished to learn they are members of the Dorgengoa Space Pirate crew. Jaster has always dreamed of going into space, and now here's his chance to join a real-life space pirate crew! Deciding to pretend to be Desert Claw for a while, Jaster says his goodbyes and makes his preparations, swearing he'll return and slaughter the sand people like animals free the enslaved populace one day, then sets out into the desert to meet up with the pirates.

Jaster crosses the desert and reaches the Dorgenark, an old-fashioned wooden pirate ship with sails and everything, except that it flies in space. Uh, okay. Just before he makes it to the ship, however, a massive sandworm erupts from the dunes. There's absolutely no chance of killing this thing, and its determination to attack the ship forces the pirates to take off prematurely, abandoning Jaster to his fate in the sands...

...until a cute, perky teenage girl on a hoversled flies out of the ship and comes to the local boy's rescue.

Once brought aboard the Dorgenark, Jaster meets the mercenary swordsman, Zegram Ghart (voiced by Steve Blum), who is obviously the smartest person aboard the entire ship, and clearly knows right off the bat Jaster is a fraud. Yet he seems amused by the situation, and doesn't out Jaster. Jaster also learns that the girl who rescued him is named Kisala, and he's warned by the crew not to get any funny ideas about her.

Jaster then meets the first mate...a talking cat. First Mate Talking Cat orders the ship to set course for the planet Zerard.

Captain Dorgengoa is taking a beauty nap at the moment, so for now, Jaster gets to wander around the ship meeting anyone else. Dorgengoa has a fairly large crew, but most of them are NPCs who just stand around in various places on the ship doing nothing. After exploring the ship, Jaster tries to pry some information about the ship's current mission out of Steve, who remains tight-lipped. As the ship is currently passing through the Rose Nebula, the navbot suggests Jaster go up on deck and have a look. (Uhh...what?) Jaster does so, and runs into Kisala.

Here, we learn two things about Kisala: she has decent-sized boobs, and she's Dorgengoa's daughter. While they're admiring the scenery, the ship is attacked by space whales. Jaster and Kisala manage to kill the space whales, but the ship takes a lot of damage, drops out of warp, and crash-lands on the jungle planet Juraika...

ANAYLYSIS

This introductory segment of the game draws "inspiration" from, among other sources, Star Wars, One Piece, and Dune. The heaviest influence up to this point is obviously Star Wars.

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Act II: The Natives Are Restless, But Not Breastless

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Long, Hard Jungle Expedition

The good news is everyone survived the crash and the ship can be repaired. The bad news is, they're out of "booster oil", without which a starship can't fly. You'd think they'd keep enough of this in supply so that they DON'T run out at a critical and annoying moment, but apparently pirates don't think about this kind of thing. And there's nowhere to buy booster oil on Juraika. Luckily, they won't have to, because wouldn't you know it? The booster oil they need is made from a fruit that grows on Juraika! Isn't that convenient? So, while Simon and Steve fix the ship, Jaster, Kisala, and Zegram go fruit-hunting.

The fruit they need is supposed to grow all over Juraika, but when they get into the jungle, they discover there isn't any fruit anywhere. As they venture deeper into the jungle in search of the fire fruit, they're ambushed by a party of tribal natives, the Burkaqua, who try to scare them off. Showing a suicidal lack of common sense, Jaster decides the best way to find out about the fire fruit is to go to the village of the people who just tried to kill them.

Deep in a jungle full of lots of annoying and slimy things trying to kill you, the party comes across a massive stone statue which blocks the path to Burkaqua Village. While searching for another route, they come across a house built in a clearing. Suddenly, a pervy little troll named Filio sneaks up behind Kisala and tries to grab her butt. Jaster almost kills him, but it's a good thing he doesn't, because it turns out Filio is an outcast of the Burkaqua, thrown out for tinkering with machines, and wouldn't you just know it, he happens to have an old power glove that's strong enough to move that pesky statue! He gives it to the party.

Returning to the statue, Jaster uses the power glove to get it out of the way so they can continue on to the village of hostile natives. Jaster loves the power glove. It's so bad.

So the party continues on through the jungle, and starts meeting Burkaquan warriors on the jungle path. Bizarrely, the same people who were trying to run them off and/or kill them earlier are now casually chatty and totally non-hostile.

In another clearing down the river, the party encounters a valley full of blast craters, and meets yet another creepy, perverted outcast who invades Kisala's personal space.

Kisala's gonna need a lot of therapy after this planet.

This new guy, Dario, is into bombs. Seriously into bombs. And has absolutely no grasp of the concept of safe and careful handling of explosives. Anyway, he gives Jaster a bomb, which the party just happens to need because there's a big damn boulder blocking the way to Burkaqua. (How do these people ever carry stuff back to their village with all these bullshit obstacles blocking the path?)

Past the boulder, the Burkaqua start becoming more hostile. Perhaps the ones on the earlier path couldn't get home and were starved for company?

Further along the path, deep in the beast-infested Juraikan jungle, near the most fearsome village of xenophobes in the entire galaxy, the party runs into Ash Ketchum. Or rather, a parody of him. This kid is hunting for bugs to use in Rogue Galaxy's main minigame, Insectron. One thing you can say about Level-5 is they know how to shoehorn minigames into the main plot without making it TOO awkward. After Copy Ash gives Jaster a bunch of bug-catching equipment, it's back on the hunt for the village.

Which, it turns out, is just a bit past where the bug-hunting kid was. When Jaster tries to enter the village, the guards stop him with their spears. The guards are adamant that the village is off-limits to offworlders, and are dead serious when they warn the party not to go anywhere near the holy spring.

We're totally going to the holy spring.

At the spring, the party observes a buxom, scantily-clad Burkaquan woman consoling a young girl, who seems to be distraught and mentions something about going to meet the Star God. Zegram cautions Jaster and Kisala not to draw attention to themselves...and then promptly draws attention to himself by going off on a rant about what the Burkaqua did to him "back in the day". The woman starts attacking, but Zegram waves the white flag. When she relents, the party explains why they want to go to Burkaqua village. The warrior woman's reception is as frosty as the guards back at the village gate, but while everyone is talking, something living in the spring makes a grab for the younger girl. Kisala notices this and saves her, but then the thing in the swamp grabs her and tries to tentacle-rape her. Jaster, Zegram, and the Burkaquan warrior woman charge in to keep the game's rating from going up to Adults Only.

Kisala's gonna need a LOT of therapy after this planet.

With the longbow-toting Amazon's help, the tentacle rape monster is slain. She introduces herself as Lilika, and thanks Kisala for protecting her sister, Miri, who we now learn happens to be blind. Lilika promises to have a word with the village gatekeepers on the party's behalf, then disappears into the jungle with her sister.

The party starts to leave the spring, but are stopped short by a talking purple frog! The frog introduces himself as Toady. He says he was an ordinary frog until "that orange goop" fell from the sky and changed him. Now, not only can he talk, but he can do something really strange and useful! He can eat two weapons and puke up a stronger weapon. The party decides to take him with since this is pretty handy.

(The "orange goop" is called "Rune", and it becomes a VERY important plot point later. For now, it's enough to know that it turns ordinary lifeforms into highly evolved, powerful, and often out-of-control beasts.)

After a long trek back to the village gates, the party runs into a villager shambling around right outside the gates. This guy isn't looking too hot: his skin is an odd shade of gray and he has strange purplish-black plague marks on his body. He pukes up a puddle of glowing purple tar, then falls over dead in it. A Burkaquan warrior named Qrann rushes up, sees the dead man, identifies him as another victim of "dark fruit", and orders the body to be buried. Apparently Qrann didn't get the memo about what went down at the holy spring, because he rudely orders the pirate party to leave.

Not happening.

After doing some shopping (the villagers may hate outsiders, but they sure don't mind taking their money), the party overhears a loud argument going on inside the elder's house. It seems the village council is up in arms wanting to sacrifice Miri to the "Star God" as a last-ditch effort to rid themselves of the dark fruit plague. Qrann, the jerk who tried to run us out of town, turns out to be the only voice of reason. He also has issues with Lilika, questioning her ability to lead the Burkaqua warriors when she was unable, as a prepubescent girl, to protect her mother and little sister from a monster. The council forces the issue, and Miri is placed in the maiden shrine to await the ceremony. Night falls, and Kisala asks Jaster to go with her to visit Miri.

Bet you're sitting there thinking there's about to be wacky jailbreak hijinks, right? Well...wrong. That comes later. Kisala visits Miri, and...

The next morning, the villagers assemble for a ceremony as Lilika leads Miri up the path to the holy forest of the Star God. Kisala isn't ready to let this go yet, though, so the party follows them to make a list-ditch attempt to appeal to reason.

Unfortunately, our path is blocked by a giant freaking waterfall, with no footholds for climbing. And it just so happens the altar is at the top of the waterfall. Wonderful.

Deep in the Star God's forest, we find yet another weirdo who seems to be related to Dario and Filio. This one, however, isn't a pervert, nor is he particularly friendly. In fact, he's downright hostile, and refuses to even speak to anyone who doesn't bring him a present.

You guessed it. Fetch quest time. Because somehow or another talking to this idiot is going to wind up being our way to where we need to be.

In the northern reach of the forest, the party finds a crashed spaceship. The Dorgenark got off lucky; this ship is completely trashed. In the wreckage, Jaster finds a broken freeze gun.

Gee, we've got a broken freeze gun, a waterfall blocking our path, and a gadget-obsessed recluse who wants a present.

Nah. Couldn't be.

Near the Star God Altar, Kisala suddenly notices Zegram isn't with the party anymore. Where'd he go?

Why, he stopped to make a phone call. And listening in on the call, we (the player, not the party) learn that Zegram is working for someone else, and playing the Dorgengoa Pirates for chumps.

Jaster and Kisala reach the altar to find Miri standing there waiting to be sacrificed. Lilika bars their path, adamant in allowing this nonsense to happen. While the pirates argue with her, a massive, misshapen black monster drops down from out of the sky. It's the "Star God"...except it isn't a god and isn't a star. It's a massive black mass of writhing black worm-slug-things (like the thing that attacked Ashitaka at the beginning of Princess Mononoke). The freeze gun Shario just fixed for Jaster is the only way to defeat this thing, so it's a good thing they needed it to get up to the altar in the first place, isn't it? Halfway through the fight, Lilika realizes this "Star God" is what killed her mother and blinded her sister, and joins in the fight. The party quickly dispatches the false beast, which in its death throes makes one final attempt to kill Miri. Luckily, Qrann is there and saves her at the last second.

Zegram reappears at the end of the battle. When the party returns to the village, Lilika is banished for defying the will of the "Star God", even though she just destroyed a terrible monster and saved the village. When Kisala calls Zegram out on vanishing, it turns out he finally found some fire fruit and distilled enough booster oil to leave Juraika.

Given what we heard at the top of the waterfall, I find this awfully convenient.

Back at the Dorgenark, the party finds Lilika waiting for them. Banished from her village, she decides to join the Dorgengoa Pirate crew.

In a cutscene the party has no involvement in, we find out that the Burkaqua Elder has an ulterior motive for "banishing" Lilika: he's realized that his people are a bunch of backwards assholes, and wants the future leader of the Burkaqua to see the galaxy and find out what's out there so she can come back and turn these backwards assholes into progressive assholes.

With the Dorgengoa fully repaired and ready to return to space, First Mate Talking Cat reveals the purpose of the ship's "mission" to Zerard: it's past time to renew the Dorgenark's galactic travel visa!

Now, let's stop for a second and ponder this.

The Dorgengoa Pirates are the most notorious band of outlaws in the galaxy.

Their ship is instantly recognizable on every civilized world.

And yet they're worried about a little thing like a travel visa?

But, whatever. On to Zerard!

ANALYSIS

It's funny...for a planet that eschews technology, there sure are a lot of teleporters lying around!

Juraika is the first of many OBSCENELY HUGE exploration environments in Rogue Galaxy. One of the major criticisms of the game is that the exploration environments and dungeons are ridiculously huge. A thorough exploration of Juraika (which is pretty much necessary to actually reach Burkaqua Village) can take around three hours.

Also, Juraika is the first planet in Rogue Galaxy to introduce every Level-5 fan's oldest and most hated nemesis: the Mimic. Mimics are bad enough in the Dark Cloud series, where they're relatively strong and can poison you. Rogue Galaxy Mimics IMMEDIATELY stun the party upon opening, are IMMENSELY strong, have ridiculously high HP, and can BREATHE FIRE.

Comments

[Scholarly-Cimmerian]

I had a lot of fun reading this. Definitely puts a hilarious spin on the memory of playing those levels. XD