I have to get him a card and a gift for Father's Day. · 11:37pm Jun 15th, 2018
I don't have enough money in my own bank account to completely cut myself off from my dad, yet. He's recently been ramping up his attempts at contact and manipulation, and I've just been waving the red cape at the bull this whole time to keep him occupied. He hasn't mentioned anything about money being pulled from "our" joint account, yet, but I'm waiting for the moment when he sees it and dreading it like nothing else.
Fortunately, I haven't had to pull anything out for a little while so far. I'm currently working two jobs in addition to doing a full time student course load for this summer, but I haven't told him about the jobs so he doesn't wonder why none of the income is going into the joint account (that is entirely filled with my fucking money, by the way). It's going into MY account, daddy dearest. MY. FUCKING. ACCOUNT. And you can't get your grubby fingers on my money.
But unfortunately, I also have to maintain appearances for this Father's Day. That means a bullshit card and a gift of some type that I know he'll never use anyway, but one that still has to be good enough so he doesn't yell at me for two hours about only caring about my studies and not enough about family and what really matters. Problem is, I've been dreading this Father's Day for months, and it's only two days away, now. I've been consumed with so much anxiety that I've been feeling suicidal for weeks. Added onto that is the fact that I'm working two jobs while being a full time student, so I'm stressed enough as it is. I just want this day to be over already. He's already tried to make me feel bad about only coming home for Father's Day and not for the whole weekend, so I know he'll harp on that for at least an hour of the visit.
I'm just so exhausted thinking about it. Truth is, the only gift I want to give him is a bullet in his head, but that's not exactly ever going to be an option. I've always hated Father's Day, but even just last year, I didn't remember most of the things I do now about what he did to me. It feels worse this time. I don't know if I can keep up the act. But, I know he'll just make things way worse and more dramatic if I don't go, so I'm just stuck between a rock and an even harder place.
I know these blogs are all I put out on here anymore, but I'm just in survival mode the past several weeks and I'm having a hard time of it. I know you can barely call me an author anymore for FimFic due to my lack of productivity, but I still want to be. It just feels impossible. That's the reason I'm still useless on here.
Happy Father's Day for those who have good fathers.
You have every reason not to write.
Instead of buying a card with effort put into it, just get something standard and put effort into planning something for you afterwards. You need it.
Your health, be it mental, physical, or emotional, should be your first concern. If that means you take a break from writing to focus on real life, great! And, as someone who knows a little bit about toxic, manipulative parents, the sooner you cut him out of your life, the better.
we are behind you man ok take care of yourself k
An author is still a human being. They still have their own lives and stresses. You will survive my friend.
I know this is a little much, but instead of shooting your dad, just give a big knuckle sandwich when you walk out the door. I’m kidding of course. But in all seriousness, you will survive this, I know you will.
My bad for seeing this late. Hope things worked out OK.
And don't worry about the lack of writing/publishing. Your own health is the most important thing. Like I've said before, we'll be here for you.