Loneliness

So far 2018 has been pretty much an awful year for me motivation wise, I've hardly found any energy to actually create anything, compared to last year with my constant flow of ideas and motivation. I constantly feel as though my head is in a cloud, so I tell myself, I'll take a nap then maybe I'll have some motivation when I wake up. It never works, though I don't know if I really expect it to do anything anyways.

Recently I've found myself in a rather depressing position, I feel like Pinkie Pie as she did in the episode where all her friends were "ignoring" her, trying to prepare a surprise party for her. Except in my case, there is no surprise party being planned. I haven't a single person to talk to anymore, all of my "friends" rarely contact me.. but I don't blame them. I usually don't message anyone first, being the one trying to start the conversation, I find that difficult and feel as though it disturbs people. I also believe that I actually am starting to bother people, I know that I'm annoying and that I only make sense when I want to, so there really is no reason for me to be upset with any of my friends. I hold nothing against them, except for the slight reluctance of deciding whether to reply or not when they do happen to message me. But that's also another reason, all my friends are online people, this leads me to having extremely long times of isolation. Time that I spend thinking and sleeping. I find myself saying "I don't need friends anyways" even though it really does sadden me to be alone for so long. I need something to do with my life, the effects of December are still having a great impact on my life, but really I just want to be happy, I don't want to have to think about anything else that bothers me anymore.

Ever since I broke up with my girlfriend, we have not spoken at all, not that we really did speak much in the first place... which was partly why I had to make the decision to end it. I'm going through a time where I NEED someone I can talk to about certain things, I don't need someone that just acknowledges what I say without giving much/any feedback, sadly though, I have a terrible time finding anyone who seems remotely invested into a conversation with me.

Three other friends I somewhat speak to (around once every 1-2 weeks) are usually busy doing something else. I don't blame them at all and I'm afraid that they are going to read this, then come message me out of guilt, but to those of you who are going to do that, I'll say this simply. Don't. I don't want to talk to anyone out of guilt, especially since I'm not even directly upset with any of you.

I've gotten to the point where the highlight of my day is going onto pony.town just to find someone to talk to. I wake up every morning anywhere between 3am-5am just to get on and look for someone to temporarily take away my isolation. Most of the time it requires me having to go out and look for someone to talk to, since I guess most people on there are shy, just like I am. I still have a lot of trouble going up to people on an online game to try to start a conversation with them. Which most of the time leads me to having to get off after failing to communicate with anyone. Which also happens to be the worst part of my day.

I'm just going to rant now because I'm quite honestly fed up with people in general. Don't come talking to me if you aren't even going to say anything intelligent, or replying to everything I say with a "K" or ANY other sort of variant that requires ME to pump some life back into the conversation thus draining me of my own mental energy that I hardly have enough of to even begin with! Honestly I think the best way to talk to people is in person, then it's a lot harder to get away with this conversation killing crap. If you don't want to talk to me, or be invested in anything to do with me, then DONT. No one is forcing you to put up with me, not even me! I couldn't even live talking to myself, so don't feel like you have to. I guess I'm just letting the isolation get to me... It really isn't that awful though, j-just.. more time that I have to spend with myself.

Aahhh this is so stupid that I have to write all this down because I can't tell anyone about this. *facehoof*