Read It Now Reviews #114 – Snowed In, Deathbed Confession, This is Not a Drill, A Slice of (Cake) Life, Mint Condition · 7:26pm May 28th, 2018
Happy Memorial Day! I was planning on having a story ready for today, but ended up getting distracted with reading pony fanfics instead. But hey, six of one, half a dozen of the other, right?
Today’s stories:
Snowed In by OkemosBrony
Deathbed Confession by Dreadnought
This is Not a Drill by Tumbleweed
A Slice of (Cake) Life by Epic Yarn
Mint Condition by Estee
by OkemosBrony
Romance
2,695 words
Rarity and Applejack have been trapped inside of Carousel Boutique for days due to the raging blizzard outside. Faced with uncertainty about how long they are going to be stuck together, they do the only thing they are able to — share how they feel.
Why I added it: I do love me some RariJack.
Review
Due to an out-of-control snowstorm, Applejack is snowed in at Rarity’s boutique. Having taken shelter there for several days, they’re gradually chewing through their supplies, and Applejack has started rationing out the food. As they start a fire, the two of them start to discuss the things they have in common.
The character voicing is mostly reasonable enough, but I have to say…
I wasn’t really super into this one.
I think there were a couple things that kept me at arm’s distance.
The first is that the story, like many sort of slice-of-lifish stories, is pretty flat. This is a constant challenge when dealing with writing slice of life stories – how do you make mundane things interesting? While the snowstorm and low supplies ostensibly supply some form of tension, the reality is that this isn’t a Man vs Nature story, they basically serve as a backdrop for the main plot. They do serve as an avenue for characterization vis-à-vis Applejack’s stolid practicality, but it didn’t really enthrall me at any point – stuff was going on, but it was pretty much just a generally quiet little scene, and the “well, the food might be running low” isn’t an actual conflict in the story, just a background detail.
The second thing was that the confession of love felt rather… bland, really. Someone saying that they, like, like like another character is supposed to be a big emotional moment, but Rarity’s confession here felt pretty understated, and Applejack’s reaction is pretty flat as well. That’s not to say that there’s no reaction, but this is supposed to be a semi-climactic moment (the first of two emotional peaks in the end of the story), and it… really isn’t. I just didn’t get a strong sense of emotion not only out of the ponies, but out of the piece here, and it was just slightly awkward instead – and while it was supposed to be slightly awkward, the story never really feels like it manages to evoke anything more potent than some sense of awkwardness. The ensuing conversation, likewise, feels a bit forced and unnatural.This line in particular:
“Well, what are you unsure about?” She stopped halfway between Applejack and her blanket on the floor, then turned around and began walking back to her. “We’re stuck in here and I have no electricity so my radio and record player won’t work, so I don’t think we have much else to be doing today. Uncertainty is never fun, and I don’t want you to continue being unsure of how you feel.”
Stuck out to me as awkward, which is a problem when you’re at the emotional crescendo of your piece.
I do like stories that have non-standard confessions of love (or at least, of like) and which play off of uncertainty (as people often aren’t certain about how they’re feeling, or don’t feel super strong emotions at first), but this just didn’t manage to score any sort of strong emotional hit for me.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
by Dreadnought
Drama, Mystery
13,389 words
Everypony dies, but not everypony reveals a long-held family secret on their deathbed. Now the Apple family must deal with the fallout of Granny Smith's confession, leading to a shocking discovery.
Why I added it: Dreadnought mentioned this story summary at EFNW, so I was curious what the story was. Also, his avatar is a ship pic.
Review
Granny Smith dies, but before she does, she tells Applejack some sort of secret that leaves everyone’s favorite Apple hurting and alone. Twilight isn’t about to abandon her friend to her misery, but what got her so shook up?
This is one of those two-hook stories – it has the initial hook, the mystery of what Granny Smith’s secret was, followed by a second hook, as we find out what the secret was, but there’s still another layer of the story beyond that. I appreciate two-hook structures in stories, and I thought that the general shape of this story was decent enough – Hidden Confession, Twilight trying to figure out what is wrong, Applejack finally telling Twilight the secret, Twilight trying to unravel the second level to it by using magic to travel through Applejack’s memories for hints to the second half to the secret, and then the resolution.
However, I feel like this story really ended up falling down in the details, particularly in its pacing. Twilight goes around to ask all of her friends for advice on how to deal with Applejack, but none of them really have anything valuable to say or add; rather than being used to help show additional dimensions of Applejack, instead we’re just left with “She’s sad and lonely but refuses talk to anyone” being repeated about six times, from each of Twilight’s friends plus Big Mac himself.
Then, when Twilight is unravelling the second mystery, we again see some pacing issues – in particular, we see the earlier scene, between Applejack and Twilight, where Applejack finally tells Twilight the secret, but this time from Applejack’s point of view. The problem is that this version of the scene doesn’t really give the reader much information that they didn’t already know – Applejack already told Twilight the secret, and about what was tearing her apart about it, so seeing the scene from Applejack’s perspective was just a rehash of what came before. We also see several show scenes from Applejack’s point of view, which, again, don’t really add a whole lot here. It takes a while before we get to actual things we haven’t seen before, and it is only then that we get to see more of her relationship with other people.
But all of this feels kind of incoherent, because the final secret doesn’t really have to do with the other ponies who are heavily involved in the story, and the actual revelation at the end is given to us in a confrontational scene, where Applejack already knows the secret, rather than us getting to see the real shock of the discovery – or indeed, Twilight discovering it (Twilight actually discovers it off-screen). The end of the story also ends up switching over to Applejack’s point of view, which, while understandable, also feels kind of weird. And in the end, we’re not given much of a sense of resolution – the answer to the mystery should have much more of an emotional impact than it ultimately does.
Thus, this story had an overall interesting idea tied up in it, but didn’t do enough to actually involve the characters directly in it. The story really felt like it needed to be more directed, and more focused onto Twilight, Applejack, and the third pony involved in the secret, and it could have been used as a vehicle for more character development. Indeed, had the third pony been closely involved in the plot, we could have seen it have more interesting effects on the relationships between the protagonists.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
by Tumbleweed
Comedy, Slice of Life
1,835 words
For the third year in a row, the Grand Galloping Gala ends in chaos.
Twilight really should have expected as much.
Why I added it: I read it at EFNW.
Review
For the third year in a row, the Grand Galloping Gala has ended in disaster, but at least nopony was hurt.
But when Twilight sees an immaculate Princess Celestia approaching in the aftermath, she tries to get ahead of the lesson.
This story is silly up front, but there’s actually a more serious core to this piece – while it is comedic in a way, it’s actually a surprisingly expository piece that reveals a bit of character and hidden motivation. As is typical with Tumbleweed stories, the dialogue is actually quite good, and Rainbow Dash, Twilight, and Celestia all are well-voiced. The actual core idea behind it is quite clever as well.
But that’s really all there is, and this story doesn’t really have any magic tricks to show. It doesn’t have any sort of traditional story arc, and while we get to see things unfold in front of us, there’s not really any sort of meaningful conflict in this story. Rather, it is akin to a “headcanon dump”, where someone comes up with a clever explanation for something then uses some plot to have one character reveal/explain/discover it. But the real thrust here is a bit of character development for Celestia, as well as an explanation for certain events, and in that, it works reasonably enough.
That being said, this is definitely not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. It is a neat little piece that delivers a bit of characterization and worldbuilding, but if you’re looking for something like a plot, it doesn’t really have one.
Recommendation: Worth Reading.
by Epic Yarn
Comedy, Slice of Life
1,178 words
Mrs. Cake’s life isn’t always a piece of cake. The bakery needs running, Pound and Pumpkin are always up to something, and babysitters aren’t always easy to come by.
Why I added it: I read it at EFNW, and this was the first pony fic that Epic Yarn has ever written.
Review
Mr. and Mrs. Cake have reservations tonight for a date. All she has to do is round up the twins for Pinkie Pie. What could go wrong?
This story is one of those speaking parts only pieces, where there is no exposition, only dialogue. And indeed, this is actually not even a dialogue piece, as instead, we only hear what Mrs. Cake has to say, with all the dialogue being directed at her being implied by her responses.
Stories like this are tricky to write, but Epic Yarn did a good job here with delivering enough via Mrs. Cake’s words to know what was going on without making things sound unnatural or overly expository.
But what really drew me in was the humor. It starts thusly:
Put that down.
Now.
Pound!
No, don’t fly—come down! Pinkie will be—Pumpkin! What…? How…? Is that chocolate? Dear Celestia, please let that be chocolate.
Bath time. Now. Yes, now. That…chocolate needs to come off. Don't move, the carpet has enough hoof tracks. DON’T LICK YOUR SISTER’S HAIR!
No Pumpkin, don't—PUMPKIN!
Oh, thank Celestia you’re here Pinkie. Pound is on the ceiling and Pumpkin has magicked herself somewhere. She needs a bath and—don’t touch that, it might not be chocolate.
Despite the total lack of exposition, we get a pretty good idea of what is going on, as well as just how frazzled Mrs. Cake is while the twins are being little unholy terrors on just the wrong evening. We get to see her desperately trying to keep the kids in line and from hurting themselves or making too much of a mess, and we get her failing.
And of course, we get the chocolate.
Please let it be chocolate.
All of this really pulled me into the piece, and made me want to read the rest of it.
The story, however, isn’t really a comedy so much as it is a slice of life piece with a fair bit of humor thrown in to help engage the reader. It is really about the mundane struggle of dealing with the twins on what is supposed to be a fun evening for the Cakes, and so, while it is funny up-front, it ultimately more of an emotional piece about being a parent, with the fun of us getting to watch them suffer.
As such, while it might ostensibly seem like a comedy up front, this is actually more aimed at slice of life fans, who I think will end up getting more out of the emotional notes in the conclusion.
Recommendation: Worth Reading.
by Estee
Comedy, Slice of Life
6,917 words
Part of getting Equestria used to having the full Diarchy in place is making Luna's presence into a normal aspect of everyday life. And since few things are more everyday than commerce, that means it's finally time to get her visage back onto the nation's currency. All the palace has to do is commission one of the realm's greatest (and most disconnected) artists, and then...
...actually, that was the first mistake.
Why I added it: Estee is a good writer.
Review
Blank Canvas is Equestria’s Greatest Living Artist. He eats, drinks, and breathes art. Or at least, would, if that wouldn’t cause him to starve to death, though at times, he does seem to forget about the importance of at least one of those.
Told from the point of view of said artist, we get to see the tale of him being the world’s most oblivious pony as he tries to create art of Princess Luna for the faces of the new coins. As you might imagine from the Comedy tag, as well as the fact that he is an Artist who creates Art (with a capital A), this does not quite go as well as one might have hoped.
You know that this is not going to go well from the get-go, and indeed, it does not. The story plays off of Blank Slate’s cluelessness and “Artistic Inclinations”, as he is clearly more than a little bit off, but in a focused sort of way. And his inability to understand Luna is amusing, with his ever more problematic ability to completely miss the point.
Unfortunately, I think this story ended up wearing out its welcome for me.
Clocking in at just under 7,000 words, this story is relatively succinct for an Estee piece, but is still too long for what it is. Blank Slate doesn’t really develop as a character in a meaningful fashion, which means that all there is is the joke of him missing the point, and while the story only repeats this joke three times (which is actually the right number), it feels stretched too thin. That doesn’t mean that this story doesn’t have its moments – indeed, the punchline of this piece is actually set up magnificently, and only works because of the Rule of Three.
But I can’t help but feel it is too slow-paced for a comedic piece, and the lack of variety in the humor hurts it when it is nearly 7,000 words long.
Recommendation: Fans of Estee’s writing style will appreciate it, but it is probably too slow for anyone else.
Summary
Snowed In by OkemosBrony
Not Recommended
Deathbed Confession by Dreadnought
Not Recommended
This is Not a Drill by Tumbleweed
Worth Reading
A Slice of (Cake) Life by Epic Yarn
Worth Reading
Mint Condition by Estee
Not Recommended
And there we go!
Now, to go work on a story of my own…
Number of stories still listed as Read It Sooner: 229
Number of stories still listed as Read It Later: 682
Number of stories listed as Read It Eventually: 2238
I can see the review of War and Peace being "...relatively succinct for an Estee piece..."
And as a parent of four (and a grandbaby now), I understand the prayer of "Please let that be chocolate" far too well.
And I fully approve of the "Not a Drill" Celestia, particularly since I have this headcanon of her with a match every time too many oil paintings of her flanks have been painted. "Honest, I have no idea how that art gallery went up so fast. It was like it was fairly awash in turpentine. At least that painting was.... Beg pardon? Celestia Among The Flowers was out being reconditioned? Oh. Well. Very nice."
Oof. Rough review, not like I can really call foul on anything that was said about it though. Still, my stories have caught your attention 3 times now, which means I have to be doing something right...doesn't it?
Please say yes :x
I can't say it's a huge shock the story's on the blander end, though. I wrote it mostly out of boredom on day 3 of my power being out, hence the setting (although being spring, I wasn't actually trapped). Was pretty much just a way to break up the day; it was over a week before I would get around to editing it. Regardless, some good points to keep in mind. Thanks!
First story gets a worth it from Titanium Dragon? Oh boy, Epic Yarn, you're gonna go places. :)
Thanks for the review! I’m so glad you liked it.
4871765
Now, now, Triptych hasn't managed to surpass the word count of War and Peace.
Yet, anyway.
4871801
Yes, of course it is a good thing you've caught my attention!
I'm definitely not some burning eye in a gigantic tower of iron or anything.
media0.giphy.com/media/f3Fq267SERQm4/giphy-downsized-large.gif
But yeah, I don't tend to read things from people who I don't think can write more than once.
You definitely have some skill
Also, a really amusing avatar. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but it's great.
4871822
Tryptch - 407,936 words (Update: Final word count 511,000 So close)
War and Peace - 587,287 words
Go for it, Estee! You can do it!
(Admittedly, the whole Tryptch Continum is well over that by now.)
4871808
You're welcome! It's always nice seeing good things coming out of new writers.
Hey, YOU try writing an intricate puzzle box plot in a two hour deadline. :)
4871824
Wait, you're not? Then why have I spent the last 3 movies trying to avoid you while returning some jewelry?
As I said, I'm grateful for the reviews. I do a lot for one of the medium-sized review groups on this site, so I can understand that a thorough review where all your flaws get pointed out can be better than a skimpy one praising you. I do try to be cognizant of this type of feedback, and "it's a little bland" is (unfortunately) not a new one.
And she is quite stunning in the picture, is she not?
4871941
Well, if you hadn't "appropriated" it in the first place...
Such is the way of things at times. Of course, it can be a challenge to break down why one likes or doesn't like something at all.
As if Rarity is ever not stunning.
4871959
If you set her to kill then she isn't stunning.
Putting the "fatal" in femme fatale so to say.