• Member Since 2nd Jul, 2015
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

Sun Sage


Life's a dance, and I've four left hooves.

More Blog Posts8

  • 250 weeks
    On being adrift, and not mourning dead trees.

    The following blog contains a slightly melancholy ramble with little real purpose behind it. Reader discretion is advised.

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    1 comments · 342 views
  • 269 weeks
    39... wat do?

    I'm not sure what I'm feeling. Philosophical? Maybe that's it. I don't really see myself having a midlife crisis, or rather I got it out of the way in my mid-twenties while examining the existential horror of one day ceasing to exist. It's probably easier for folks with faith, but either way I no longer fear that particular inevitability. Honestly it'll be a load off in pretty much every way

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    4 comments · 292 views
  • 274 weeks
    Happy Hearth's Warming, everyone!

    To the readers of Harmonic Fellowship, I apologize for the slow month. Updates will return soon (first week of January at the latest), but December is a rough month in terms of work and such so... my free time has been strictly for relaxing. ...And while one might argue that my writing style doesn't look especially strenuous (and one would be correct), the holidays are what they are. November

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    0 comments · 217 views
  • 295 weeks
    Bronycon 2018 or, 'Why I haven't written the next chapter of Fellowship yet'.

    Addressing the next chapter first, for those that don't worry about 'con stuff... probably tomorrow or Wednesday it will be up. I always tell myself 'oh, vacation, I'm gonna write so goddamn much!' ...And then I end up doing things like visiting breweries with my stepfather and going out to dinner and talking to family. So yeah... writing did not happen this last week, because all that was

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    3 comments · 365 views
  • 298 weeks
    Sequel is up!

    Not much more to say than that... I'm looking forward to a lot of great story lines in this one. Suffice it to say... we'll have a LOT more ponies involved this time around.

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    0 comments · 302 views
May
27th
2018

So I took my angry little pony to EFNW... · 1:58pm May 27th, 2018

So if you've read any of Novel Idea's Wavelengths stories you might know about Sunset's 'angry little pony'. This is a voice in her head basically telling her she should go back to being focused on personal power and greed, forsaking the friendships she's slowly made. If you haven't read any of them... give them a look. May not be your cup of tea but definitely worth a peek. First story, and Novel, linked above. Anywho...

That said, the concept is hardly unique to those stories. Most of us have that voice, one that isn't doing us any good. One that tells us our choices are wrong, we're worse than we pretend to be, we deserve all the bad and none of the good. The kicker? That voice sounds exactly like your normal voice. Yeah... that's the fun part. When reading, you can easily identify the little rat bastard for the villain that it is. How can the character not just drop the little toxic part of herself and be the wonderful person we know she genuinely is? Because she can't hear the difference yet. To her... that's her. Let me make this personal...

One Friday ago, I arrived at EFNW. Now, it's my second con after Bronycon last year, and no one really knows who I am anyway because I haven't written much (though geez, Back and There Again is going to be over 100k words when it's all said and done; that's a milestone for me, huzzah!). I do know a few people though, among the guests speaking and the people attending so, yeah, gonna be fun, right? Multiple times on the way there, I got to hear about that from my angry little pony. And again, the smug bastard sounds just like me. He's a philosopher... has a lot of arguments with my inner dreamer (she just isn't as punchy... and frankly she's crashed and burned several times now), and usually wins. My entertainer, the face that keeps me from burning out too quickly in social situations, just sort of watches it all happen. Man, that guy is dead inside. I have to be careful with him, his humor can get a bit dark and off-putting.

So my philosopher is reminding me that I have no business going and reminds me that, despite having fun at Bronycon, I fell into a black depression while there as well, and spent most of my time alone. And that's how it should be, because who the Hell am I? No one, that's who. I don't deserve to be wasting the time of these writers who've done so much, created so much to add to this fandom. Friendship? That's for ponies, and people, who are actually worth a destiny. Ever see a 38 year old blank flank loner? Damn right you haven't. Loser.

See? He sounds just like me. It's hard to get away from.

Through no fault of their own, those same people contributed to this feeling. After meeting one author for the second time, or maybe the third, I think my name and face stuck. Before that? No real recognition. 'Had you commented on my stories before?' ...Yep. We'd had a string of PMs before that. I asked a question, one of the few, at a panel, and commented on several things. 'Oh, I'll invite you back to this, I can't now but I'll get it.' Yeah... hasn't happened (told four times now, heh). AND THAT'S OKAY. I cannot stress that enough. It is not their fault they have a lot going on; or really it is their fault and frankly that's great and I'm completely, legitimately happy for them. Because the dreamer can do happy. She dances (I can't dance, but she can, she's really into Electro Swing lately) and generally carries on like some weird PinkieTwiShy hybrid: cute and nerdy and shy and super happy for the success of others. And the philosopher chuckles and waits for her to come down, because she will. She doesn't know how to get past the entertainer, who just wants to protect her. Even the philosopher does, in a weird way. Being negative, derisive, and dismissive are very much defense mechanisms. You can't hurt us, because we never cared in the first place! Sound childish? It is... and yet the bastard still sounds just like me.

Friday night, I came down. I went to my room after The Shipping Express panel and had already fallen into a bit of melancholia. Sure, I'd met a few people and said hi, shaken some hands, got some 'oh yeah, I like your comments' and such, pretty uplifting to be honest. And then I'd walked away, because he insisted. They were busy, they were popular, they didn't need me hanging around because I'm lonely. How selfish can I goddamn get? Get away from them! So I did. The dreamer was sobbing, the entertainer could rest (he hadn't done much anyway, this far out of my usual element... he's damn good at work; most folks love me there, but it's all image), and the philosopher was enjoying a bit of schadenfreude related 'told you so' bliss. Is it schadenfreude if you're enjoying your own misery in some bizarre way, or just masochism? I don't even know but there's always that little 'hah, see? This is why you shouldn't try!' shit that goes on in there when failures happen. And again, for emphasis... that voice sounds just like me.

But that isn't where the story ends. Sorry, you're not getting away without a moral this time. ...Unless you just quit reading, I suppose. Can't help that. But if you got this far...

So I reached out to a friend who was there. This was not to seek company, genuinely not. I assumed this friend was busy, how would this friend not be under the circumstances? I was simply messaging to talk about the panel we'd just been at, and say goodnight despite it being only 8ish. Instead... this person was having a hard time over something that had happened at said panel. After talking for a moment on Discord (ironic under the circumstances) I realize I can help this person. Well... maybe not help... how arrogant am I? I can't help anyone. But I can be there at least, and this person can vent or at the very least, I be someone there who's opinion can be dismissed if this person embarrasses them-self overly (protecting identity can be a bitch when it comes to pronouns). Not that this person could ever really embarrass them-self with me. My regard is higher than that. But just in case that person didn't know that, I took solace in knowing that I wasn't worth much, and so this person could rely on that. Crying in front of such a worthless person wouldn't really matter, and might be a good vent, right? Right. So off I went to help.

It... sure did help. It helped that person, and me. Because all of that self mockery above was that other voice... and godDAMN it he sounds just like me. Not only did helping that person help me feel better, feel a sense of purpose even if it was a small one in the moment, but by happenstance being there that night with that person put me in touch with all those people I was wanting to spend time with. For me, EFNW didn't really start until Friday night. Oh, there were good panels before that, but I was just being my usual self. Saturday? Sunday? The dreamer danced, the entertainer laughed... and the philosopher bit his lip and might have cracked a smile... because it all wasn't as bad as he thought. He does love a challenge... but I'm already betting EFNW is going to kick his ass again next year. Between then and now? It's on me, and I feel a little more confident about doing it.

But it's not on just me. It's not on just any of us to kill off our inner demons alone. That's really damn tricky because... you know... they sound just like you. Reach out. If you're not comfortable getting help, give it. What you get back in return might surprise you into changing for the better. Be open to it.

Comments ( 4 )

I'm glad we were able to see you let the dreamer out a bit this year, Sun Sage. It was awesome to meet you, and I'm glad that you had a blast this year! :D

Man, you really make me wish I coulda gone

Also, why isn't there an upvote feature for blog posts yet?
-Pecan

4870959
Me, too... she needs to get out more... and level off the other two. They're both getting too acerbic in my middle age.


4870960
I wonder that myself... I've read some really great blogs on here.... several quite recently and Novel isn't even done retrospecting :rainbowlaugh:

Glad you were able to shake that dark little voice and enjoy yourself at the con! I hope it'll make the next time even easier to keep it quiet.

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