Angry Analysis #2: Maxwell Eisenfaust: The Amazing Anarchist!

Hi there. I'm a cactus. And this was a terrible Human in Equestria fanfic. 2 for 2, boys!

God help us all.

Meet Maxwell Eisenfaust. He's wacky, wild, perverted, and unpredictable.

Strange, seems to be a common trait with these human characters. Does that mean that he's thoroughly predictable?

He's also got the title of being the only human in Equestria.

Oh god, this is a HiE! Everybody scatter!

Maxwell loves to get into all kinds of mischief. He speaks his mind, annoys ponies, and loves to destroy things! However, he does like to stop crime and save those in need...for the reward, of course!

Oh boy, our main character is a perverted, clearly psychopathic individual! This is going to be one whacky adventure! Totally rad!

That, and he wants to stay on the top of Equestria's most wanted list.

TIL being an asshole is worse than enslaving an empire, breaking time and invading a kingdom for the sole purpose of eating the inhabitant's emotions.

One day, the Mane Six go missing. It is concluded that they have been kidnapped by none other than Queen Chrysalis.

Actually not a half bad concept... If Season 6 didn't already do that. Still, some credit for a half decent idea, rather than a half-baked one. +1.

With his wits, his stealth skills, and impossibly annoying attitude, will Maxwell be able to save Equestria's heroes? Or will he decide that harassing the mares of Ponyville is a much more fun way to pass time?

You know while I'm on the topic of the premise... Where the fuck is Starlight Glimmer in all this? Discord? The griffons? The hippogriffs? Fizzlepop Berrytwist? The yaks? Fucking Sunset Shimmer? Anyone?

I'm nitpicking, but the rest of the description doesn't really give me anything too bad to work with. Anyway, to the only chapter so far!

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Manehattan was shook up that night.

What night? Tonight? Last night? Tomorrow? First six words and I'm already confused.

The local law enforcement, along with some royal guards, were chasing a two-legged creature on the ground.

As opposed to the sky. Actually, there are Zeppelins...

He was wanted for a multitude of crimes in Equestria...including destruction of public/private property, assault, sexual harassment, sexual assault, arson, and many more.

... Jesus fuck. I gave this the benefit of the doubt and decided that "perverted" wouldn't mean much, but sexual harassment and assault?

This is our protagonist, right? This isn't some clever ploy where you think he's the good guy, but in fact he's worse than the actual villains and them and Equestria do an Enemy Mine to take down the bigger threat?

No?

"Give up, Maxwell! Surrender now, and you'll be treated fairly." A royal guard yelled from behind Max.

"Suck a fat one, Royal Pain!" Maxwell yelled, not even slowing down.

They're not even royalty! God, this guy can't even pun right. This is worse than being a sexual deviant.

All of Manehattan's law enforcement was chasing him. Some were pegasi, and yet they still couldn't catch the human. He was just too fast.

The more I read this, the more I regret the choices I made to end up reading this dreck. I don't even have anything to add to this, the fact that this one guy is somehow outrunning the entire Manehatten police department AND the royal guard speaks volumes for how this is going to play out.

Anyway, Mad Max runs into some apartments and a a random desk mare says something irrelevant.

Maxwell ran down the hall, and then approached the elevator. He pressed the button, got inside, and waited. As the elevator went up to the tenth floor, he took a moment to catch his breath and idly scratch his ass.

It would have been funnier if he had to impatiently wait for the elevator before being tackled by the police force, but then he wouldn't be flawless.

"I love stirring up trouble, but it's been too long since I've made the cops THIS angry!" He said, laughing to himself.

What did he do, molest a donkey? Piss on Celestia's crown? Write bad fanfiction?

Nobody fucking knows, because in the very next sentence...

When the elevator doors opened, he was met face-to-face with three royal guards, all pointing spears at him. Maxwell cursed under his breath.

"Game over, Mr. Eisenfaust." One guard said.

This is the part where Maximum Overdrive should be a pin-cushion. Outnumbered, out-armed and is the number one most wanted criminal in Equestria, up to arson and sexual assault. There is no reason why they shouldn't just straight up execute him on the spot.

Maxwell shrugged, and raised his hands. "Very well, I surrender." he said in a low, almost comical tone.

"For the first time, you make a good decision." The second guard said.

This feels like something out of a bad spy movie. My question is where the fuck is my Martini. Salty, not stirred.

As they placed heavy iron shackles on his wrists, Maxwell looked behind them, and screamed.

"What?!" One guard said, "What's wrong?!"

"It's the Headless Horse! Ooooooh!" Max said, adding an exaggerated spooky ghost noise to go with it.

"Really, Max? You're going to try to fool us with that?"

"How can you be sure if you don't look behind you?"

The three guards looked at each other, before looking behind them. When they did, they saw a piece of paper hanging from the ceiling that said, "You're a moron." on it. They turned back to Max, only to see that he had somehow gotten his shackles off.

Okay then.

What? Do you expect some essay-length rant about how this isn't physically possible? On how that despite being shackled with no way to get behind them to place that note, he did it anyway? Or that how he somehow got his heavy iron shackles off in the intervening second while being cornered by three heavily armed members of the royal guard?

I mean, I should. I really, really should. But...

"How did you do that?!" One guard yelled while getting his spear ready.

"Magic!" Max said as he grabbed his own weapons.

On his back, there was a metal bat and a fire axe strapped on. On his belt, there was a Molotov Cocktail, and a decorative knife.

Oh, of course he had that on him, despite never being brought up until now, making this entire shackle thing absolutely irrelevant! Still, without that pointless exchange, it wouldn't have hit 1000 words! Alright, back to Maxwell Adams and his magically appearing weaponry for a "fight" scene.

The first guard charged at Max. Maxwell swung his bat at the guard's head, and it collided with his metal helmet. He stumbled back in a daze. Maxwell then gave him a roundhouse kick to the face, and he falls to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

Aside from the fact that they didn't all go for him at once, you want "fell like a sack of potatoes". Past tense in storytelling.

The final two guards go for him at the same time. One on his left, the other on his right. Max waited, scratched his butt again, and then took one step back at the last minute. The two collided with each other, and they both fell unconscious.

And the award for most anticlimactic fight scene goes to...

"Don't you yahoos get it?" Maxwell asked the unconscious guards, "Your rules can't control everyone. Look at me go!"

I'd usually criticize someone talking to themselves, but you know what, it perfectly suits their clearly psychopathic personality.

Maxwell then walked into a random apartment. Inside, a nervous looking mare with a light beige coat and blue mane was trying to enjoy some late-night tea. She gasped when she saw what broke into her apartment. He was tall, wearing a bright green shirt with dark green pants. He was wearing a beanie, some ski-goggles with tinted lens, and a bandana was tied around his mouth. The most noticeable part was the bright green "A" in the middle of his shirt.

"Well, helloooooo Nurse! Or whatever you are. I really don't know, but DAYUM you look good!" Maxwell said.

Oh no.

"W-who are you?" Coco Pommel asked.

Maxwell walked toward the window, and opened it, "Maxwell Eisenfaust! Equestria's most wanted!" He peeked his head out to look around.

"Wait! What does the "A" stand for?" Coco asked.

"Do you wanna know what it stands for?" Maxwell asked as he stood in front of the window, "If you wanna know, you have to turn around."

Don't you dare.

Coco cocks her head in confusion, but does so.

"The 'A' stands for Anarchy. I hate the government." Maxwell said.

"Oh...but, why did I have to turn around?" Coco asked.

"You didn't, I just wanted to see your butt!"

That was very nearly a disaster. Be glad that you didn't go where I thought you were.

Still...

Coco gasped, and her face turned bright red. Before she could respond, Maxwell jumped right out the window. He then dove headfirst down an open manhole cover, and into the sewers.

And then he died, the end.

There's a bit more about how Max Power always escapes the clutches of the eeeeeevil goverment or something. We weathered the storm with only a minimal hit to our Constitution stat. Could have gone a lot worse and a lot angrier, so I'm thankful I didn't pop a vein today.

Overall, it's not really good. At all. HiE is overdone, the main protagonist is an reprehensible sack of crap who is also a pervert and would probably have fucked poor Miss Pommel if he wasn't escaping from the police, consent or not and is generally very uninteresting to read about outside of his complete and utter disregard for anyone but himself. He's a cunt.

There's a good way to write an asshole main character, though. This isn't it. Having an overpowered main character who gets away with everything, despite committing serious, life-altering crimes like arson and sexual assault?

I think I'm done here. Fun riff material but a really bad start to this story. Good luck, I guess.