Depression · 10:54pm May 9th, 2018
I don't want to say I speak for everyone. I don't think I can even speak for anyone else. I just want to share what depression is to me.
It's not just feeling sad. It isn't about having pain. Being alone is only a small part.
Depression is a hole. It's a pit. Walls so steep there is no purchase. A bottom so deep no light reaches it.
It's a chasm between you and everyone else. Something so infinite and massive that there is no way across. Yet so small and insignificant you can see what the other side looks like. You can almost reach out and touch it.
It's like climbing a mountain, one which you can never see the top, and which behind you is nothing but pain and suffering. You have to keep climbing, not out of a desire to reach the top, but a fear of what sliding back means. There are times when it's so hard, so exhausting, you want to let go and fall. Forget the spikes at the bottom, forget the paradise at the top, and just let go. Give up.
My friends, my family were a lifeline. One which let me rest, take a break, and not fall. They were a hand holding onto me, no matter how many times I let go.
Climbing that mountain took everything I had. And then some. I don't know how many times I slipped, only for those around me to catch me. I don't know how many of my friends I actually told I was depressed. I don't think I needed to tell some of them. I'm sure they could see it in my eyes.
There were days when just looking at people, forcing a smile onto my face, took everything I had. I had days where I was tired from getting out of bed. There were nights were I didn't sleep because I was scared of the blackness of sleep. Nights where I didn't want to sleep, I didn't want to waste what little time I had.
I don't know how I made it through those years. My friends and family were a part of it. I don't know if I would have made it without them. I also found love during that time. I met my fiancee during my junior year of high school. We've been together for over six years now. She has helped me though so much.
I needed a lot of help over the years to get to where I am today. I still struggle with depression. There are days when I can't keep climbing. But I have the support I need to take a break. I'm doing better now, but it's taken most of what I had to get here.
Depression isn't something to face alone. No mental issue is. Sometimes they're out of your control; sometimes you need medication because you body has issues. Sometimes you just need to talk. But rarely can you do it yourself. Don't be afraid to get help. As the dread pirate Roberts said, 'Life is pain... Anyone who says differently is selling something.' I take that as a reminder that everyone suffers at some point. No one is above it. For some of us, it's worse, harder, more painful. There is no shame in accepting help to get through the pain.
I don't know what else to say. Life sucks. But it's worth it. As Bob Ross said, "You need opposites, light and dark, dark and light. It's like in life you gotta have sadness so you know when the good times come, I'm waiting on the good times now." The deeper the pain, the stronger the eventual joy.
You'll make it through this. Whatever you're going through, you can make it through. Be strong. Get the help you need. Life is worth it on the other side.
For me right now, depression is a mask i carry with me. It’s always on, and it feels like it’s been on since 3rd or 4th grade. I can’t remember what it was that happened then, but it walled off my emotions. It’s been hard for the last ten or so years, and slowly they’ve been coming back to me. The one thing that I still haven’t been able to do though is be truly sorry for someone’s loss or feel sad when something happens. It’s an emotion that I miss and feel like i need now. I want to be able to have a healthy cry sometimes, but it just isn’t able to come. With the hardest year of school coming to a close and large projects still looming, I have become stressed and the mask I thought was almost gone has returned. I hate school now, and just want the year to be over with. I doubt I’m going to be able to pass several of my classes due to a lack of understanding and a bs 10 page paper that I was forced to write on a topic I know nothing about. I’m too weak to tell anyone about this one on one, and I’m left just trudging along in my misery. I need to just put one step in front of the other and pray it will work itself out in the end.
Wow! This is so true...
Like you and likely most of your readers I've dealt with depression most of my life, often with fairly similar expieriences of forcing myself to be "normal" and social when if I was honest getting out of bed was nigh insurmountable, sometimes I couldn't at all.
As for not facing it alone, there's a quote from a Canadian comedian who was on TV when I was a kid.
"Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together!" - Steven Smith (AKA Red Green)
Keep your stick on the ice folks.
Nice speech.
This is super accurate. Im sorry that you suffer it. Depression is literally the worst thing in the world.