Fic Reviews: Love, Heartbreak and the Forbidden Fruit · 5:39pm Apr 19th, 2018

Okay, once again, time for another fic review. And this is going to be a painful one.

It's Love, Heartbreak and the Forbidden Fruit by Stormluna. I'd say kill me now just because of the author alone, but for reasons that'll soon come clear, I'm not making that crack. Fact is, this is one of the first fics I've read that made me legitimately angry while reading it.
Sadly, I can't link the fic because of site rules and this fic being mature, but it's easy enough to find if you go to Stormluna's author page. More to come after the break.

Now, here's the synopsis.

The Spring Formal is just a couple months away and Sunburst is hoping to take a girl he's had his eye on. He has one problem, she isn't into guys but he will do anything to get her to give him a chance, anything!

Good on Sunburst, but as the first chapter alone reveals, that's pretty much going to be impossible.

Heading down the stairs on most afternoons was a challenge but it was even more so on Fridays since every student crowded the stairs in their desperation to get home. Sunburst never was one for crowds but when he got bumped from behind, he stumbled forward and knocked the two girls in front of him down.
The crowd stopped moving so that the girls would have the space they needed to get up. Once they had got up the two girls gave Sunburst a scowl and one said, "Watch where you're going, you could have hurt us."
The other added, "And you don't want to know what The Great and Powerful Trixie would do if you hurt her bestie Starlight!"
Both girls grunted and began to walk away before Sunburst got their attention, "Starlight, wait!"
The girls turned around and with the same scowl they had earlier, Starlight grunted, "What?"
Sunburst asked, "Well I was kind of hoping that we could talk."
Starlight pointed over towards the horse statue and replied, "Well make it quick and let's get out of everyone's way."
Sunburst nodded and followed the girls. He couldn't help but keep his eyes on Starlight but also watched both with a curious look on his face as they had their arms around one another. Once they were out of everyone's way Starlight glared at him and asked, "What? What is it you want?"
Sunburst was a rather shy individual and had never interacted with Starlight before. He began, "Well my name is Sunburst....."
Starlight grunted, "Who?"
Trixie laughed, "He's one of the nerds that are always up in the front row dutifully taking notes in physics class."
Starlight sighed, "Oh." She then turned to Sunburst and ordered, "Look, Trixie and I want to get away from this place as quickly as possible so state your business and make it quick."
Sunburst could tell that Starlight was less than thrilled and became more nervous than normal. He was a bit afraid to ask Starlight what he wanted to but knew that if he didn't do it then, that he may not do it at all. He asked, "Well, as you kn-know, the Spring Formal is coming up and, and I was won-wondering if you'd go with me?"
Starlight tightened her hold on Trixie and laughed, "You're joking, right? I don't even know you and you want me to go with you to some dumb dance?"
Sunburst could tell that this was likely not going to go the way he wanted but then something crossed his mind, "I know you don't know me but maybe we could go out some......"
Starlight interrupted, "No, Trixie and I have plans."
Sunburst gasped, "But you don't even know when......"
Trixie pointed her finger in his face and snapped, "Look, The Great and Powerful Trixie and Starlightalwayshave plans,always."

First chapter alone, and we've already hit a major league road-block. Now, I accept EG Trixie is a bit of a bitch, but not this much of a bit. Here we have her and Starlight acting like freaking Pansy Parkenson! Now remind me, what are Starlight and Trixie like in canon? REMIND ME! Oh yes, kind, caring ponies at heart, Starlight actually trying to reform and Trixie just a simple stage preformer with a bit of a ego, not open bullies with grade A Alpha Bitch personas like you see here. These... Well, I'm going to refer them to as Not Starlight and not Trixie for the rest of the fic, as that's what they are, poor parodies of these ponies sharing names and faces with them.

And these are supposed to be the heroes of this fic? Linkara, can I borrow you for a second?

He grabbed his pen and began to write it down.
* If you only knew how beautiful you are to me
You'd know I see an angel every time I look at you.
I get short of breath my heart first skips a beat.
Then speeds up fast.
Feeling as if it will pound right out of my chest.
You're so beautiful I wish I had more than two pictures.
of which I could get comfort and admire
That perfect smile which enraptures me through and through
I look at them and I say I love you. I miss you so very much.
They provide me comfort in those hardest times.
When I'm so very lonely and need you by my side.
You're so very beautiful to me.
If you only knew how much.
You're divine to me as a perfect jewel.
I just want to hold and kiss you all night long.
You're just beautiful through and through.
He smiled and said to himself, "I know this will work, these sweet words will win her over."
He looked at his clock and notice that it was almost three in the morning and realized that he had better get some rest. He turned everything off and laid there with a smile on his face realizing that later that day would be his chance to win over Starlight and get her to go to the spring formal with him.
The following morning Sunburst was late to rise but he figured that this was likely for the best so that he would be well rested for when he went to visit Starlight. After grabbing a quick bite to eat he headed to the local florist to buy Starlight something he knew that she couldn't resist, a dozen roses.

So, second chapter and Sunburst, still going on what is, in the end, a futile gesture, actually gets a good idea to write a romantic poem. (Mind you, one found off the internet) but still, not a half-bad idea... That is, if it wasn't Not-Starlight he was writing it for. As we see in the next chapter.

When he finished reading it, Starlight was even more angry. She yelled, "What, you waste my time to read me a poem?" She got up, shoved the flowers in Sunburst's face and sneered, "You know what, I've got my own poem for you!
In our house there stands a rat
oh how I'd love to smash it with a bat.
Oh why the hell won't it go away
So it won't be something I must slay.
Can it not see that it is something I hate
Is that something I have to state?
Unless its stalking stops
I will most certainly call the cops!"
Sunburst analyzed the less than pleasant poem and then realized what she said in the very first line, our house. He asked, "Our house, as in your and Trixie's house?"
The intermission of the hockey game was drawing to a close and Starlight wanted to hurry up and get him out of there and figured he should know the truth so hopefully he would leave her alone. She snapped, "Yes, Trixie and I live together and we love one another so you will never have a chance with me."
He said, "Please just give me....."
Starlight shoved him and yelled, "Get out of OUR house before I do call the cops."

See what I mean? Not-Starlight, and Not-Trixie, psycho lesbians everyone! Yes Stormluna, you're doing a real good job of representing both these characters and the LGBT community at large!

Trixie knew what she was talking about and was ecstatic as Starlight choosing unwinding over hockey was very rare. She joyfully asked, "I take it you're thinking about sexy times?"
Starlight, who was just a few minutes ago very angry, had become much happier and giggled, "You must have been reading my mind!"

Right, after sending Sunburst home, you two get the idea to have sex! Must be a real turn on for you, breaking a boy's heart like that. But good on Sunburst, as he doesn't give up. Love him just for that. And he's supposed to be the villain here?

At first he was unsure but then eventually he decided to send a friend request to StarTrix GlimMoon. Not only did he send a request, he discovered he could send them a message without actually being friends. He sent a message that read,
"Starlight,
I am not sure if you are interested but I am doing a live stream on Sunday night at seven and I hope you will watch. I just want to tell you how I truly feel and given that I will be doing it for all to see, you should know I am speaking the truth. Hopefully I'll see you on Monday.
Love,
Sunburst"
While Sunburst was friends with the other smart kids at school, he was not friends with any of the other students so there wouldn't be that many to watch him pour his heart out to Starlight and do what he hoped would get her to notice him. He figured that if the two did not check their social media account that often, he send friend requests to students that they were close to and the one student who had shown he cared a bit, Flash Sentry. He then decided to send them all messages hoping that it would not only cause them to accept his friend requests but watch the live stream as well.
Much to his delight, many of the students he sent friend requests to were actually accepting his requests and sending him messages stating that they would watch his live stream. By the time he headed to bed that night, every single request he sent had been accepted, except for one, he had yet to be accepted by Starlight and Trixie. He sighed, "Well maybe they will get on tomorrow and accept it."

A livestream, maybe a bit overboard, but... Considering who these two girls are, well I applaud him for his tenacity and creativity. Sadly, we both know this won't work.

Sunburst began to sniffle a little, "Starlight, I know you were very rude to me on Friday when I approached you on Friday about going to the spring formal but even though you rejected me and you and Trixie grabbed one another's butts, that didn't lessen my love for you.
Then yesterday, I brought you a dozen roses and read a romantic poem I found online for you and you treat me worse, but my love for you still has not lessened any. I don't know if Trixie will ever always be there for you but I promise you I would. I'm begging you, just please give me a chance and you won't regret it.
Speaking of Trixie, a fellow student told me that you and Trixie are lesbians and that I should just cut my losses but I don't want to. I refuse to believe that because girls loving other girls just isn't natural, it doesn't make any sense and it is gross. Even if you two do stay together, it's not like you could ever have real sex, share the joy of having a family and raising children. The most you would get out of her is groping and other activities girls shouldn't do together."
Starlight and Trixie sat at their computer in a state of shock over what they were hearing. Trixie grunted, "Says the loser who will die a virgin."
Starlight added, "You got that right now let's see what else he is going to whine about."

Wait, hold the phone. Lemme read that last bit again.

I refuse to believe that because girls loving other girls just isn't natural, it doesn't make any sense and it is gross. Even if you two do stay together, it's not like you could ever have real sex, share the joy of having a family and raising children. The most you would get out of her is groping and other activities girls shouldn't do together."

EXCUSE ME? EXCUSE ME!?! Here's rampant homophobia from the guy who we probably should be rooting for, and let me tell you something. One of my best friends is a lesbian, and she's quite happy with her girlfriend, recently celebrated their one year anniversary I think it is, and that thing about lesbians not being happy together falls apart right at the seams right there! And for your information Stormluna, it's a known fact that same-sex couples can raise a family together, so if I were you, I'd stop typing for a moment and actually do your damn research before you write a story!

Sunburst began to tear up, "Starlight, please, please give me a chance. I'll treat you better than Trixie ever could but I'm going to issue you a challenge." He held up multiple detergent pods for all to see and continued, "If you don't message me begging me not to do this and say that you want to get to know me, I'll eat these detergent pods and if I die, my death will be your fault!"
Trixie and Starlight saw this and were not happy about it. Starlight yelled, "What, my fault? You're the one that's doing this you idiot, I'm not forcing you to eat those things!"
Trixie grabbed Starlight and replied, "Starlight, don't let this stress you out, alright."
Starlight asked, "I know but I can't help but wonder how we will be received at school tomorrow because chances are a good portion of the student body is watching this pathetic display of his."

And all -Not-Starlight and Not-Trixie care about is their reputation? ...Excuse me for a minute. I need a minute. I need a FUCKING minute! Now, I'm openly bisexual, and I'm pleased and proud to have a family who accepts that. Now, I first told one of my best friends, RuinQueen that I was Bi, and I'm still figuring that bit out I admit, so seeing this... Well, it just makes me sick to my stomach.

Yep, busting that out again. That's how angry this story makes me as a writer, and as a person. And in the end, Sunburst is driven to suicide by tide pod, by not Trixie and not Starlight. Out of all the possible reviews I've ever given, this is the one that's made me the angriest out of my entire career, both as a writer and as a person. Fuck this story, just fuck it. Possible score out of 10? -10. Yep, that's right. A negative number.

Only happy moment I got was from this major league verbal smackdown by Flash Sentry of all people.

When the two arrived at school, they saw the whole student body had gathered out by the horse statue and were staring off in their direction. Once they got close enough to hear what they would say, one student shouted, "I hope you're proud of yourself Starlight!"
As they approached the other students, Starlight gave them a curious look and asked, "Proud of myself? Proud of what?"
Flash Sentry, who was the one that rushed Sunburst to the hospital replied, "You should know what we're talking about."
Both Starlight and Trixie continued to look at him like they had no clue as to what he was talking about. Finally another student approached the two and asked, "Don't go telling us that you don't know what we're talking about."
Trixie asked, "We don't know what you're talking about, would you care to inform us?"
Flash replied, "Well, last night Sunburst held a live stream where he announced to us all" he pointed his finger in Starlight's face and continued, "how much he loves YOU Starlight. He begged and pleaded with you to message him and beg him to not do something. He begged you to dump Trixie, give him a chance and go to the spring formal with him."
Despite knowing exactly what happened and finding it somewhat amusing and annoying, Starlight became angry. She snapped, "He did what? He went online for all to see just to say he wanted me to dump my girlfriend for him?" She planted her hand on Trixie's butt and continued, "Well that ain't happening! He can go online and whine all he wants but I will never give him a chance, ever." Her voice became more intense as she finished, "If that moron had any common sense, he'd know I'm a lesbian and he would just leave me alone."
Trixie added, "Instead of coming over to OUR house uninvited and harassing Starlight."
When Starlight referred to Trixie as her girlfriend, she finally confirmed what the whole school had known for years. Flash replied, "I knew you two are a couple but Sunburst wouldn't listen but still, you could have still messaged him and begged him to stop."
Starlight asked, "Begged him to stop what? Begged him to stop making a spectacle of himself?"
Trixie added, "We weren't even online last night so how would we know about any live stream of his?"
Starlight continued, "And even if we were, we wouldn't have known because we aren't friends with him."
Flash looked back at the other students and asked, "Shall I just tell them? Shall I just tell them what Starlight is responsible for?"
In unison the other students nodded yes. Flash glared at the two girls and began, "Well, since he came to your house and you so ruthlessly threw him out and have been horrible to him, he did a live stream to pour his heart and soul out to you Starlight. He sent friend requests to all of us so we could watch. He thought if he did it with everyone watching, that you would know he was telling the truth."
Starlight grunted, "Yeah, and?"
Trixie added, "So what?"
Flash continued, "Well on the live stream he told everyone how he feels about you, how much he wishes you two could be together and how good he would be to you." Flash could tell Starlight was about to say something and continued, "He even talked about how wonderful it would be if you two could raise a family together."
Starlight gave out an amused chuckle, "Wow, he must be really dense to think I'd want anything like that."
Flash was not amused by her chuckle. He snapped, "How can you find this funny? Here I am telling you how he told everyone how he felt and you find it funny?"
Starlight gave him a smirk and replied, "What does it matter?" She then gave him a half smile and laughed, "It's not like he died or anything!"
This caused the whole student body to gasp in shock as they had a feeling that the two did watch the live stream. Flash however was angry, "You lied about not watching it, didn't you? You watched it, didn't you? You saw him eat....."
Starlight interrupted, "Fine, we did watch it and the fact that he wanted me to dump my beloved Trixie for him is PATHETIC! The fact that he would eat laundry detergent is beyond pathetic!"
Trixie added, "Pathetic just like him!"
Flash yelled, "He was not pathetic! I'm betting you two were laughing when you saw me barge in to take him to the hospital."
Starlight laughed, "Well we did see him foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog but after that, we unfriended him and shut off the live stream. After seeing that, the two of us had to do something to get that disgusting image out of hour heads."
Flash asked, "Oh and what was it you two did?"
Trixie replied, "We decided to unwind clear up until three in the morning!"
Given how the two behave and are constantly groping one another, everyone knew what Trixie meant by "unwinding." Flash glared at the two and said, "Well while you two were doing things that we would rather not even think about, Sunburst died in the emergency room." He broke down in tears and screamed, "He died because of YOU Starlight! He died because YOU wouldn't message him! He died because YOU wouldn't give him a chance. His death is YOUR fault."

Once the students began to disperse, one of the students approached Starlight and Trixie and snapped, "You know what, you two make me sick. You were engaging in disgusting activities while you knew Sunburst was dying and now here you are making 'sexy times' plans for while his memorial service is being held. How can you two live with yourselves?"
Another added, "Look, I know he harassed you two and wanted Starlight to dump Trixie and be with him but you could still show a little tact. Making plans while Celestia was still speaking was rude and in very poor taste."
A third added, "Assuming you two are going to college, I hope it isn't here in Canterlot. I don't think I can stand to see you around any more than I have to."
Starlight glared at the three and replied, "Don't worry, you won't have to. Trixie and I are moving to Vanhoover where my family owns property and where same sex marriage is legal so you won't have to see us anymore."
Trixie added, "And The Great and Powerful Trixie will be glad to get away from this place. Until Starlight came along, nobody treated her very good but don't worry, right after graduation we're moving."
The first student replied, "Well good, there you can engage in your disgusting lifestyle and...."
Starlight interrupted, "Be united as one." The two began to leave as Starlight continued, "Now if you will excuse us, we need to get going. We don't want to have to be around here any longer than we need to."
Trixie added, "And besides, we have plans!"
The two headed towards the exits and grabbed their stuff from their lockers before heading home. Once they were off school grounds, they grabbed one another's butts like they always do and walked home with their heads held high. Trixie couldn't help but laugh, "You know, that's really nice of Principal Celestia to give us the day off on Wednesday."
Starlight replied, "Too bad it wouldn't have been Friday so we could have a three day weekend."
Trixie giggled, "You got that right!"

And even in the next chapter, after getting chewed out for this by multiple students, and not even expelled for being the cause of a student's death? They still show no remorse. Absolutely sickening. I think this review by Ice Star says it all.

What the actual fuck. This story is a train wreck with content I'd expect straight out of an Evictus story. There's random homophobia, characters that are too out of character to even be alternate versions oranythingof themselves, a rushed plot, horrid pacing, lesbian glorification/straight bashing, and just... suicide by Tide pods.
Yep. Actual suicide by Tide pods. The whole thing is a mess. You frequently produce low-quality and cookie cutter stories that are simply unremarkable as they sit alongside the next Evictus or troll writers' work. You have eighty-some stories and most all of them have the same poorly thought out, poorly written, utterly lackuster content as this one. What you really should do is take your time to work on something, and just... learn to write. Unless you're a troll writer, then good job.
The fucking Tide pods though.

Report The Bricklayer · 594 views · #Fic reviews #Love #Heartbreak and the Forbidden Fruit

Comments ( 12 )

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Megaskullmon

Megaskullmon #1 · Apr 19th, 2018 · · ·

Ooookay

Barricade Pax

Barricade Pax #2 · Apr 19th, 2018 · · ·

why the actual buck does a story like this bucking exist?

The Bricklayer

The Bricklayer #3 · Apr 19th, 2018 · · ·

4843175
...I've been questioning that myself ever since I read the fic. There is legitimately no point to this fic that I can find aside from bashing Sunburst for no good reason and making Starlight and Trixie out to be remorseless sociopathic lovers just to shill the author's OTP.

Barricade Pax