Wherein I learn that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's legs are more powerful than the US Army

So, I went to see the Rampage movie, with The Rock and I felt like writing something about it.

I guess this is the part where I write "Spoilers alert" but honestly, there's no point. It's a movie about The Rock and three huge stupid monsters. You go and see The Rock and three huge stupid monsters. Don't expect plot, don't expect coherence, don't expect plot twists. Expect to see The Rock and three huge stupid monsters. You know what the whole movie is about by watching the poster.

The Rock in this movie plays himself, just like he does in every other single movie he is in. There's other people, but aside from another character, it's just The Rock. There's a chick that is there, kinda not doing much, and showing less emotion than the huge gorilla.

Anyway, my takes from the movie.

1. The villains of the movie are pretty much the Doronjo gang, but with a non-genious Boyaki and without Tonzura. If you don't know them, imagine Team Rocket with a more evil Jessie and a more stupid James and no cat. Their whole dialogs go something like this:

"Mwahahaha, we're so evil and we do experiments on animals but we don't care about humans."
"Mwahahaha, yes, sister, we do it for the money, don't we? Mwahahaha."
"Yes, now let's activate this machine that will attract the monsters to where we are, even if they destroy the city."
"Yes, and when the monsters arrive, we'll just escape, mwahahaha."
"Of course, unless we want to take revenge on the Rock's and whats-her-name, because I killed her brother who had cancer."

2. The Rock is The Rock but with Chuck Norris superpowers and the heart of Mother Theresa. Among other things:
a) He adopted an albino baby gorilla that functions as his brony dude. They even brohoof several times in the movie.
b) He can take a gunshot to the gut and recover in less than 2 minutes with only a bit of pain now and then. I bleed more from a papercut than The Rock bleeds from a gunshot to the gut.
c) He can survive 9-11 from the rooftop. And after the building falls, the only side effect is that his gunshot wound hurts a little bit and he covers it for a few seconds with his hand.
d) Every helicopter that falls explodes, except the one with The Rock in it. Not only that, but his helicopter has no rotors or tail.
e) Even tho he has seen tanks, humvees, helicopters and even fighter jets be destroyed by the monsters, he decides that he can take them down with just a bazooka and a few grenades.
f) All of the forces of the US Army combined are incapable of stopping the monsters, but The Rock manages to fight off the biggest and strongest of them all with just his legs. I think the writers had just given up at this point since it was near the end and thought "What are the viewers going to do? Walk out of the movie?"
g) There is a moment of weakness I guess, because after taking out two fully armed soldiers with his bare hands, he's afraid of Jesse from Team Rocket with a small gun.

3. But there are other things in the movie other than The Rock and the villains, namely, the US Army.
a) The US Army ignores every advice from the only two people who know the monsters because they are the freakin' US Army.
b) After the US Army attacks the monsters and has a bunch of soldiers serve as lunch, they try a new weapon. They have advanced technology to scan the monsters location, but do they wait? Noooooooo, they send soldiers to the smoke cloud to serve as lunch again.
c) Apparently they want to reduce their overhead cost because by the time the monsters arrive to the city, they still send soldiers to fight them at the safe distance of 10 feet away with machine guns. This is after they have seen several times ballistic missiles and bombs fail to scratch the monsters.

4. Then there are the monsters themselves, which were the coolest part of the movie.
a) Despite hundreds of movies and videos where you see that wolves and dogs can't climb trees, the huge 50 feet wolf can run up a building. You think that's unrealistic? Fuck you because the Wolf can shoot spines from his tail. But that's not all. The wolf can fly because of course it fucking can.
b) The lizard, despite being bigger than the other two monsters combined can walk up skyscrapers. Not climb, just walk. And it can swim through them as well, just because.
c) Despite being a gorilla the size of a house, it is the character that shows more emotion in the movie aside from The Rock. Heck, it has a better relationship with The Rock than whats-her-name.
d) Once the gorilla snaps out of his anger issues, he is almost as good as The Rock when it comes to surviving damage.
e) The monsters are immune to bullets and missiles and bombs, but a long metal stick is their kryptonite apparently.
f) A few seconds after the fight is over, the gorilla decides to help people come down from damaged buildings by lowering them with his hand. And people trust him, despite the fact that the gorilla and his pals just destroyed Chicago. He's just that cute I guess.

Frankly, I think you could see this movie in any other language and you'd enjoy it the same or even more.

Comments

[Ixax]

Your review is better than watching the movie.