Two Hundred Fifty · 8:00pm Apr 15th, 2018
IN WHICH I TOOT MY OWN HORN
Hello everyone! As you know, this is my two hundred fiftieth blogpost. It comes on the heels of my latest short story hitting the Featured box. I’m truly grateful for all your support. So, here’s a bit of merriment from me to you.
As is my tradition every fifty blogposts, I present to you an absurd story, written basically ad hoc with almost no editing. Just a stream of insanity. That is my gift to y'all. Enjoy!
Let's call this monstrosity...
Bodies Over Brains
The southern face of the marble pedestal rippled as a sudden suffusion of purple exited it at high velocity. Five seconds later, about three yards away, Twilight Sparkle rubbed her head with what just a minute earlier had been her right-front hoof and was now a humanoid hand.
“I will never get used to that,” she said. “Right, now which way is Sunset’s place?”
A mysterious cloaked figure appeared from behind the statue and lunged at Twilight with a ten-inch kitchen knife. Twilight, with no time to move, curled into a ball and cowered in terror. But death did not meet her this day, as the figure suddenly stopped cold and, dropping its weapon, doubled over in a terrible coughing fit, complete with blood coming out of its mouth. Indeed, the figure had quickly become so pathetic Twilight felt legitimately concerned about its wellbeing.
“A-are you okay? Do you need me to take you to a doctor?”
The figure held up its right hand, clad in a black leather glove, and waved it as if to say ‘Hell no’ before turning and coughing again, this time a pair of black-rimmed glasses with thick lenses falling to the ground, which the cloaked person quickly grabbed and re-donned. Twilight thought she might have seen its bare skin for a split second. Lavender?
Before Twilight could say anything else, Apple Bloom approached the mysterious figure from the street, stomping the entire way, her long red hair blowing majestically in the breeze. She glared up at the cloaked curiosity, who may or may not have glared back; its face was shadowed, after all.
“What’re you doin’ here?” Apple Bloom snapped. “It’s way too early for you to show up! Matter of fact, even I’m not s’posed to be in these stories yet!
The figure attempted to speak, but Apple Bloom cut it off.
“No! You don’t get to say a gol-durn word! I mean it! This ain’t your story! It ain’t mine either! In fact, I don’t even wanna be here, but someone had to help Twilight an’ I drew the short straw. Prob’ly for the best Rarity ain’t the one gonna cameo; she’d likely do the same thing you’re tryin’ ta do but for different reasons. I’m a bit tempted, but at this here point in time my character ain’t that far developed yet.”
The figure slumped and trudged away as mysteriously as it appeared.
“Apple Bloom? What are you doing here?” Twilight asked, thoroughly confused.
The young girl sighed. “I’m here to guide ya to Sunset’s place. You’ve never been there. Technically neither have I, ‘least not in any public stories, but since our idjit author already wrote somethin’ where I visit Sunset, I know where she lives. C’mon. Good times await,” Apple Bloom groused.
“Thank you,” Twilight replied with utmost sincerity.
The two walked a few blocks north, away from the parklike atmosphere of CHS and into the urban jungle of Downtown. Apple Bloom stomped the entire way, her face in a scowl.
“What’s wrong, Apple Bloom?” asked Twilight, legitimately concerned.
“I have fourth-wall powers for this stupid story,” Apple Bloom replied. “So for this teensy li’l moment, I know everything at’s gonna happen past, present, an’ future.”
“And?”
“The author is a damned sadist!” said Apple Bloom. “He’s fixin’ to put me through the wringer and there ain’t nothin’ I can do about it! He even has me…”
Apple Bloom blushed.
“What?” Twilight asked.
“I- I can’t say. Here we are,” Apple Bloom gestured. “Sunset’s apartment building, the Crowned Arms. She lives in Apartment 416. Now if you’ll pardon me, I gotta go back in time to before the Winter Holiday to be a stupid teenager an’ make everyone’s lives miserable. Have fun with m– uh, with Sunset,” she spat.
Twilight gave Apple Bloom a worried look. “I’m sure whatever’s going on with you we can work out before anyth— Where did you go?”
Apple Bloom had disappeared, leaving Twilight to ascend the stairs alone.
*knock-knock-knock-knock!*
FOUR times? Sunset Shimmer thought as she sat on her sofa wrapped in a blanket, staring blankly at her television, which was showing some sort of infomercial she couldn't care less about. Who do I know that knocks FOUR times?
“Come in. It’s open,” Sunset said.
The door slowly opened. Sunset was shocked to see who had come to greet her.
“Twilight! What in the world are you doing here?” asked Sunset, doing her best to keep her blanket wrapped around her.
“I don’t know. I just felt like… I needed to see you. You didn’t respond to my last message, and I wanted to know why.”
Sunset shrugged. “You were lecturing. I don’t think you meant to, but it was too much, so I didn’t think it worth writing back.”
“But it made me sad. All my other friends are busy with their real jobs and the Mayor won’t let me run Ponyville like I deserve and… hold on a minute.”
“What’s wrong?” Sunset asked.
Twilight’s voice suddenly went soft. “Um, could you stand up, please?”
“Okay…” Sunset did as she was asked, making sure to keep her blanket wrapped around her, though her bare feet showed underneath. “Why?”
“There’s, uh, something I’ve wanted to know for a while now,” said Twilight as she reached forward and grabbed Sunset’s blanket, yanking it off her.
“Hey!” Sunset objected before immediately blushing as she stood before Twilight, completely naked except for a pair of white panties that left very little to the imagination.
Twilight, for her part, blushed too at the sight of her friend in all her glory, but then her analytical brain temporarily took over as she looked Sunset over from top to bottom as if a Westminster judge looking over the Best-In-Show. Unbidden, she stripped off her own clothes, causing Sunset’s eyes to widen in total shock.
“Uh…?” Sunset said.
“The last two times I was here, I learned very little about these strange bodies,” Twilight explained. “It was a chore at first to even walk bipedally.”
Sunset nodded. “It took time to get used to. Going back ‘home’, even if just for half a day, was another shock to the system.”
Twilight continued. “To say nothing about these appendages,” willing her fingers.
“You just have to practice with them and get used to them. Trial and error. It’s the only way,” said Sunset. “Now could you please explain to me why you stripped?”
“Comparative anatomy.”
“What.” Sunset said flatly.
Twilight, with some effort, pointed her index finger upward. “Ponies, mares in particular, often have the exact same body proportions as each other throughout their adulthood. This includes the two of us. Humanoids, by contrast, come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes. I was curious.”
She pulled out a roll of sewing tape and proceeded to take her own bust, waist, and hip measurements, telling Sunset to write down the figures as she called them out. Sunset rolled her eyes but did it anyway, knowing Twilight was laughably incapable of writing with humanoid hands.
After she had finished with herself, Twilight approached Sunset, her expression serious. “I didn’t expect the measurement system on the tape to change when I crossed over. Guess even I learn something new sometimes. Now, let’s do you,” she said.
“There are two or three different ways I could interpret that, given the situation,” Sunset deadpanned.
No sooner had the words left Sunset’s mouth that Twilight wrapped the tape around Sunset’s butt. Sunset involuntarily blushed as Twilight called out the number for her to jot down. This repeated for the measuring of Sunset’s waist and bust.
Once finished, Twilight looked at the figures, her face contorted into one of shock. “No no no. That can’t be right,” she said, incredulous.
“What?” Sunset asked.
“Are you…? You can’t be…”
As Sunset cocked her head in confusion, Twilight briefly grabbed her own breasts before walking up and cupping one of Sunset’s breasts in each hand. Sunset, for her part, had absolutely no idea how to react.
“Sweet Celestia. They’re enormous! And heavy,” Twilight said with some degree of awe.
“Well, I am older than you by a few years,” Sunset said.
“And this!” Twilight said as she started rubbing Sunset’s butt. “How did this even happen?”
“Uh…” Sunset found herself beginning to lose the ability to speak.
Twilight was far from through. “We’re about the same height and your waist isn’t much larger than mine, but your bust and hips are so much more substantial! It can’t just be age. I mean,” Twilight spun Sunset around and began to grope her breasts from behind her. “This is absurd! If you had these as a pony – or if I did,” Twilight pressed her bare chest against Sunset’s back, “We’d both be sent to the Royal Hospital for possible teat cancer. And yet…”
“…Wh-what…?” Sunset asked.
“Performing these actions on you is… pleasuring.”
“Uh-huh…”
“I feel…”
She spun Sunset around to face her again. Sunset’s eyes were already half-lidded. Twilight noticed Sunset’s full lips. She felt her own lower lip with her thumb and then touched Sunset’s lip with her pinky. Slowly she moved in and, wrapping her hands around Sunset’s back, kissed her on the lips, refusing to break the embrace for at least a minute. Once she did, they were both blushing.
“Uh, wow, okay,” Sunset said.
Twilight nodded. “Much more satisfying in this form. And… much more satisfying with you. Flash is a terrible kisser.”
“I could have told you that,” Sunset said with a knowing grin.
Suddenly, Twilight rubbed her chin, clearly in thought about something.
“What is it?” Sunset asked.
“Do you mind if I… um… continue my… uh, research?”
Sunset shrugged. “Pff. ‘Research’. Ah, sure, why not.”
She had barely finished saying the last word when Twilight leapt at her like a ravenous beast, kissing Sunset on the lips again for several seconds before moving to planting her lips on other parts of her body. The entire time, Twilight’s hands were grabbing Sunset’s ass. Eventually, Sunset stopped her.
“What’s wrong?” Twilight asked, her voice abnormally breathy.
Sunset sighed. “You mean well, but you have no experience. Here. Let me show you how it’s really done.”
With that, Sunset flipped Twilight over onto her back and proceeded to rock her world. The stuff her friend could accomplish with those fingers, the expert flipping between gentle stroking and animalistic grappling, that thing she did with her tongue. Twilight moaned in ecstasy as Sunset systematically destroyed everything she had ever believed. She didn’t give a damn about the science anymore. Yes, Twilight knew it was a pretext to begin with, but never did she expect it to escalate to this point, nor did she care that it had.
She slipped her hands into Sunset’s panties to more directly fondle her ass. Sunset, for her part, began to work her magic on Twilight’s nipples. Twilight moaned, but before she could finish, Sunset wrapped her own lips around Twilight’s just to keep her quiet as she grabbed, but gently, in between Twilight’s legs.
Twilight’s eyes briefly went wide before rolling back in her head slightly as her entire body seized up, becoming more and more rigid as Sunset worked her, then suddenly - involuntarily - relaxed.
Figuratively sinking into the floor, Twilight felt like a ragdoll. She was barely able to speak, much less move. Sunset, still atop her, wore a satisfied smile, her eyes half lidded.
“Did you enjoy that?” asked Sunset.
“Uh… uh-huh,” Twilight barely replied.
Sunset nodded. “Good. Have you learned anything?”
Twilight closed her eyes, unable to respond.
Sunset leaned over and kissed her cheek. “I guess I’ll just leave you lay until your brain has a chance to reboot.” Slowly rising to her feet, she adjusted her panties. “I’ll be interested to learn what She thinks about this little episode.”
“Prob’ly nothin’, since this ain’t canon,” said Apple Bloom, who had suddenly appeared at the door sporting a look of irritation.
Sunset stood shock-still for a moment before realizing she was exposing herself to an underage girl and hastily pulled her blanket up to cover her larger than average knockers.
Apple Bloom shook her head. “Don’t worry about it. It’s nothin’ I ain’t seen before from walkin’ in on AJ. Still jealous of your body. That is… or will be… ’canon’.”
“Apple Bloom, why do you have Fourth-Wall powers?” asked Sunset, perplexed.
“Because I’m the author’s favourite after you, and Spike ain’t no use in this world.”
“That makes sense. I guess.”
“Don’t worry. When I actually appear in the continuity, I’ll just be the stupid tween I’m s’posed to be. It’s a consequence of that durn author writing out my entire character arc in his notes but barely starting on any of it for real.”
Sunset nodded slowly. “Question.”
“Like it or not, which I don’t, I prob’ly have an answer.”
“Will you have to suffer through clinical melancholic depression, possible Bipolar II, avoidant personality disorder, and an inferiority-superiority complex before coming out the other end better for it?”
Apple Bloom sighed. “Not quite. I just get to suffer. Worse than Rarity suffers.”
“Rarity’s suffering?” Sunset said, shocked. “That’s awful. What can I do to help?”
Apple Bloom slapped her own face, hiding it behind her palm for about a minute.
“My god. You really DON’T get it, do ya?” she said. “You just did a lesbian scene even though the author can’t write sexy to save his life, and ya can’t see the big flashing sign above Rares’s head ever’ time you an’ her are in the same room!? No wonder she murdered ya last Halloween! I’m amazed I won’t!”
“Wait, what?”
But Apple Bloom was gone just as quickly as she came. So was Twilight. So was everything. Sunset stood 95% naked and 100% alone in a vast expanse of white.
“This is the strangest dream I’ve ever been in. Can I please go back to the redwood forest?” Sunset asked the empty void.
SURE WHY NOT, replied a deep resonant voice permeating the space as the world around Sunset began to ripple into the setting for her next story.
And that's all she wrote. As always, thank you SO much for giving me your encouragement and support over the last 3+ years. Here's to the next fifty blogs or more. I fully intend to keep writing for you as long as I am able, and hope to never let you down.
Peace out!
Well, now I'm incredibly curious about what you have planned for (apparently) poor Apple Bloom.
Why do I suddenly feel like Sunset did after getting an inside view of Pinkie's mind? Bravo, my good sir, that stream of
consciousnessinsanity made my life just a bit more complete.4840969
Then I accomplished part of my job.
As to what I have planned for Apple Bloom, well, you'll just have to keep following me to find out.
SRA will be ending soon-ish -- one more story to finish and two to re-edit. After that...
Actually, after that I'm reuploading a Historical Adventure fic I finished. THEN I'll get to Apple Bloom.
A well made advertisement for your own works. I'm very interested in the allusions that have yet to come to pass. To fifty more! *cheers heartily with several vikings*
4841254
Cool, looking forward to it!