complaining about life (boooo.) · 11:56pm Apr 9th, 2018
okay, so if anyone actually cares...
i'm not bad off in life. i've got a job that gives me between 30 and 40 hours a week, i get to live in an apartment and have that roof over my head, i've got food, water, electricity, and internet, and enough free time to watch movies, watch tv, play video games, read (comic) books, make youtube videos, and write fanfictions. really, i shouldn't have anything to complain about. there's a lot i can be thankful for.
but.
having all that, living the life i do, requires one big thing from me:
i have to live with my mother.
here's the part where half the people lose interest and say, oh that's not so bad. and i guess it isn't, and for most people it would be easy enough. but i'm not most people. and i say that not in an arrogant kind of way, i just mean everyone's different and that includes me.
look, i can't remember the last positive interaction my mother and i have had. i'm not a positive person by nature, but that doesn't preclude me from having fond memories. and when i see my mother every day but can't remember the last time either of us said anything nice to one another...
interaction with my mother tends to take one of three forms: she either criticizes me, orders me to do something, or ignores me. that's it.
and it's weird and upsetting because she gets along fine with my sister, and the people she works with, and basically everyone except me. it feels like all the bad emotions she has from dealing with the rest of the world get saved up and dumped on me.
my non-recent memories aren't positive, either. i don't remember much stuff like getting tucked into bed. nope. i remember being three, i think, and her sending my dad to drag me out of a play pen. i remember being seven (again, i think) and her coming into my room and stomping one of my toys into plastic shards while screaming about how, 'that's what you do to my stuff!' i remember being... less than ten and missing one t-ball practice and then never being allowed to go back. seriously, i missed one practice and swore to myself i'd be ready the next week, but then my mother told me that she wasn't taking me. that they wouldn't take me back. which is kinda bullshit, because we could literally give them any reason for missing one practice and they'd be okay with it. i was freaking ten! less than!
and i know that i'm not the most active person- it's true i spend most of my time outside of work on my computer. but in the modern world that isn't a problem, and while there are things i'd like to do in the real world, well, we'll get to that in a bit. sure i can sometimes forget to vacuum or take out the trash, but really it's not a big deal. we're not filthy people, going one week without putting the bins by the road or one day without sweeping the floor shouldn't be a big deal. and so what if i wait a few hours to do the dishes? we put water in all our pans and let them soak! it's a reflex in this house! gawd!
anyway...
so yeah, early memories up through present are just one big shit storm of emotional... shit.
and those still reading are probably wondering why i don't just leave, find another place to live. the answer is simple- i'm incapable. i have no driver's license or valid i.d. outside of my social security card. i've never properly learned to drive, and while i don't have much interest, without a valid i.d. there's a lot i'm restricted from doing. also, i don't know how to file my taxes. never been taught that, either. can i learn that on the internet? i dunno. somebody link me a website if i can. i also am, according to the government, "disabled". mentally. like, i've been diagnosed as high-functioning something-or-other, and everyone's suspected i have depression. personally i think i'm more likely to be bi-polar type 2, since it's a common mis-diagnosis. whatever. it means that there's some government bullshit regarding the money i earn that has to be dealt with, and i don't know how to do that, either.
and no, my mother won't teach me. when i'm willing to learn, she's just like , 'ugh, i can't right now, i'm like, too tired'. not exactly that, but the idea is there. and when i'm not in the mood to learn, that's when she tends to just act disgusted with my entire existence.
my sister can't teach me either, she has her own life and lives too far away.
my father is an asshole and disappeared from my life years ago, so he can't do it either.
final bit, for those still reading: i'm stuck. i'm frustrated. i'm scared one day i'm gonna just get so angry that i'll do something i regret, like take a knife to my mother's face. i just... i just don't know what to do.
maybe it wouldn't be so bad if i had some friends, but that's never been easy for me. even with everything i've learned watching mlp, it isn't easy. it's hard for me to even talk to other people. hell, it's hard for me to even be in the same room with more than three other people. and being unable to drive means i have to rely on buses to get around, which doesn't make it easy to go out and meet people. not to mention, to avoid pissing my mother off in the mornings and get ready in time for work, i have to get up at 4:30. i can function on less sleep, but it's still best if i get to bed at 9 pm or earlier. no late nights for me.
i want my mom and me to have an amicable relationship, i really do. but we're so different. about the only thing we have in common is that we're both incredibly stubborn. i like mlp, transformers, superheroes, mythologies, thriller novels, that sort of stuff. my mom likes working, obsessively cleaning, crime dramas, hallmark movies, shopping, and... talking to people, i guess? i've not seen her do anything else in a long time. and i don't mind some of those things. hell, my job is cleaning, crime dramas are interesting, and hallmark movies are so cheesy they're good for a laugh. but i mean, me and the son of one of her co-workers went to see black panther a while back? and i asked if she wanted to watch the movie with us? and her expression could best be summed up as: 'why the hell would i want to do that.'
i can't show my mom my fanfictions, or my youtube videos, because she just won't understand. at best she'd sit there with a blank expression and grunt a bit. that's what she did when i asked her to react to the season 7 finale with me.
in summary: my life is great, except i live with my mother who refuses to help me grow up and refuses to encourage my interests.
I know the feeling dude, luckily my mother and I can talk but as far as her understanding how I feel, nope, and my dad passed away, he wasn't around anyway. It's tough but I basically have no choice but to stay, my brother and I are both physically disabled so... difficult to say the least to be on our own. lol
But it's gotten better for me lately, I recently became a Christian and it's given me the spiritual support and moral support I need.