In Which I Suffer Through New Moon: Chapter 18 -- The Funeral · 2:21pm Apr 5th, 2018
Jacob’s come to visit Bella — with Jared and Embry waiting in his car, in case the vampire he smells proves to be hostile. He’s angry even as Bella invites him in, and Bella doesn’t like that.
I locked gazes with first Jared and then Embry — I didn’t like the hard way they eyed me; did they really think I would let anything hurt Jacob? — before I shut the door on them.
Personally, Bella, I think it has something to do with you being totes besties with their mortal enemies. You might want to consider that.
In spite of this, Jacob remains relatively civilized. When Bella clarifies that the vampire he smells is a Cullen, he tells Bella that, as long as a Cullen is there, the Quileutes can only patrol La Push, due to the treaty between the two groups. He also gets from her that the rest of the Cullens aren’t returning. He promptly turns to leave, with none of the friendliness he’d shown before.
What a disaster. How could I have alienated him so completely in such a short amount of time?
Personally, Bella, I think it has something to do with you being totes besties with his mortal enemies. You might want to consider that.
Jacob sees Bella stressing out and stays a little to comfort her. However, he can’t stand the way she smells and admits it’ll be hard for him to stay with her physically as long as the Cullens are still around.
It was a nasty catch-22 — on the one hand, I wanted Alice to stay forever. I was going to die — metaphorically — when she left me. But how was I supposed to go without seeing Jake for any length of time?
You’re discussing two people, so CM + 2.
Bella thinks about trying to reconcile Jacob and Alice, but realizes that, either way, Edward won’t be coming back.
True love was forever lost. The prince was never coming back to kiss me awake from my enchanted sleep.
CM + 1
As she thinks about this, and how Edward’s gone but Jacob is here, now, the phone suddenly rings. And Jacob immediately picks it up. Jacob picks up the phone while in someone else’s house without checking whether it’s okay. Terrible phone etiquette, dude. Bella can’t hear the other side of the conversation, just Jacob saying “He’s not here.” and “He’s at the funeral.” Then he hangs up, muttering about filthy bloodsuckers. It was Carlisle, he says, asking for Charlie, and as soon as he told told Carlisle where Charlie was, Carlisle hung up.
Then Alice bursts into the room and says something’s up with Edward. She quickly calls Rosalie for information on her cell phone, then clarifies things for Bella: that wasn’t Carlisle on the phone, that was Edward. Rosalie had heard about Alice’s vision and told Edward about it, so Edward thinks Alice saw Bella committing suicide. And because Jacob just said that Charlie was at “the funeral”, Edward thinks that it’s Bella’s funeral Charlie’s at.
Why did Jacob pick up the phone in someone else’s house? Why did he say “the funeral” instead of “a funeral for a friend” as if the person on the other end of the line would automatically know which funeral? Why doesn’t Edward question what the heck Jacob is doing at the Swans’ house and answering their phone? Considering he knows, from reading Jacob’s mind at the end of the last book, that Jacob is infatuated with Bella, why doesn’t he question why Jacob isn’t also at Bella’s funeral? Why does he immediately believe one single source of information? Why doesn’t he call Alice, just to make sure, on the cell phone we just saw Alice using? Considering Alice says they know her visions aren’t always accurate, why does he believe this one? Why didn’t Alice call the other Cullens and tell them that Bella’s fine as soon as she saw that before hanging around her house for a couple of days? Why? Why? Why?
So, now that Edward thinks Bella’s dead, he’s going to go to the Volturi in Italy ask to die. Who’re the Volturi? Well, you know the vampire faux-nobles? Those guys who “you don’t irritate them unless you want to die” that Edward mentioned once in the first chapter and never again? Those guys. Great setup, right? For some reason, Bella still thinks Edward doesn’t want her and wonders why he’s going to kill himself. Bella asks if they can contact Edward, but Edward’s discarded his cell phone.
Speaking of contact, here’s a solution: Carlisle knows the Volturi, having spent time with them before coming to America. Have Alice call Carlisle: “Hey, Carlisle? You’re acquainted with the Volturi, right? Look, Edward thinks Bella’s dead, so he’s going to the Volturi to get them to kill him. Can you contact them, tell them what’s up, and tell them to tell him to call me? Bella’s alive, she’s right next to me — say hi, Bella — and he needs to know that.” Or at least give a reason why they can’t do that: “He sort-of knows them, he’s not friends with them. He left them after annoying them with his philosophy, remember? It’s not like he has their cell number.”
Anyway, Alice still has a plan: go to Italy, find Edward, and show him that Bella’s alive. If the Volturi decide to not kill him immediately, and he has to resort to drastic measures, they still have a chance. Bella quickly gathers her ID and passport and says goodbye to Jacob (are Jared and Embry still waiting in the car during all this?). Jacob promises he’ll protect Charlie from Victoria, and Alice and Bella speed off to the airport after leaving a brief note for Charlie. Like that’ll make things better.
Clinginess Meter: 63 x 4
So let’s recap: in the first chapter, Edward says he doesn’t want to live much longer than Bella and mentions the Volturi. Now, he thinks Bella’s dead, and Bella and Alice have to race to Italy to stop him from getting killed.
Nothing between then and now plays a role in the climax. The werewolves don’t get involved. The Victoria subplot doesn’t get resolved. Bella goes back to Edward without thinking about her relationship with Jacob. Everything between then and now was filler.
I mean, say what you will about Twilight, but at least that book had a focus: Bella’s and Edward’s relationship. It was weak and unconvincing, but everything about it was related to their romance. Even James popping up at the end could be seen as testing the lengths they’ll go to for each other. Here, the bulk of the book, Bella’s friendship/budding romance with Jacob, is discarded when Edward’s in danger. It’s padding. It’s setup for a love triangle in Eclipse. This book is a prologue for another book.
What the fuck. I’ve never seen structure so terrible.
Amazing.
Yeesh. They didn't even try to remove the serial numbers from all of this manufactured drama.
And now she’s ripping off Shakespeare. And not the good parts, either; the double suicide thing was already stupid when Romeo and Juliet did it.