Random Ramblings CCXL · 11:00am Mar 19th, 2018
IN WHICH LIFE GETS IN THE WAY
It seems like every blogpost lately is an apology for not having any new stories for you. I want to finish my work just as much as y'all probably want me to finish. Sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. Join me below the jump and I'll gladly explain part of the holdup.
Warning: Depressing Stuff Follows
Okay. So, I've mentioned several times on this blog about my dad being in poor health. Well, he ain't getting better and he's not going to get better, tenacious and stubborn though he may be. I spoke with my uncle (his older brother) today and got a nice fat dose of reality, even though there was nothing discussed I didn't already know, just hearing these things from someone else close kind of got to me. Right now, no one knows how long my dad might have left -- a week, a month, a year?
Is it selfish of me to hope he doesn't kick the bucket while I'm out of town the second week in May? Of course it is.
As my father's only child, it will almost certainly fall upon me to give a eulogy. I just didn't expect the likelihood of doing it quite so soon. I was going over passages in my mind, and all I can think of was how he deserved a better son than me. Aside from finally earning my BA a few years ago, I'm a complete and total failure, an utter disappointment.
What do I do? I'm too much of a mental basket-case to hold down a job -- this has been the judgement of pretty much everyone who knows me -- so I lay in my bed reading news, occasionally leaving my room to exercise, and writing stories about ponies. Sure, I argue that I do it to improve my writing technique so that I can create better original works, and that's not a lie per se... but the truth is I really like writing these stories for y'all, even though I earn no income from it and will never do so. My Sunset and Rarity may diverge wildly from canon, but they're still not mine.
There are at least three stories in the works or up on this site now that I can rework into not-MLP and submit to my editor friend. But I'm afraid. I've always been afraid to put myself out there when there's something tangible on the line. I don't take rejection well. That is, I don't take it at all. I become completely unhinged and something ends up broken or bleeding: usually me.
To his credit, my dad was the first to encourage my going to therapy and a shrink and, before his own health took a turn for the worse, took an interest in how it was going, saying he could see improvement in my condition. Sure, I may stammer less, but that doesn't mean I can face down HR or an interview. I can work; I have skills (maybe). I can't run the gauntlet to make use of it.
My state's governor and rightwing legislature recently undid Medicaid expansion and decided to impose "work requirements" on those who would still be in the system, because Republicans are heartless bastards (I'm sure I have readers who are Republicans; please see my side of this -- I'm a parasite and I know it, but as I am now it's difficult to be much else). I'm not on Medicaid, but I'm worried what will happen if I must go on it.
The only reason I even got through college is because my sense of honour in doing my best to keep a promise is sacrosanct, plus school stress is one I'm familiar with -- doesn't mean I'm good at dealing with it; just getting my double-major BA nearly killed me. I decided long ago I wouldn't do grad school. The girl I've had a crush on for 20 years wants me to go grad-life, but I just can't do it. As a result, there's no way I can ever be good enough for her. But then I've always felt deep down she's out of my league.
I hate seeing my dad in the state he's in, but I don't want him to die just yet. Unlike my grandma, who was gone four years before her body finally gave up, he still has most of his marbles. Plus he still has unfinished work to do.
So do I. Maybe I'll be in a better mental state soon so I can get back to writing my stories. Like I say to everyone else: I'm sorry to have let you down.
Peace out.
Dude take as much time as you need. You and your family are far more important then stories about fictional characters. Take care of yourself and be with those you love while you still have them. Know that you have the support of everyone here and all of our love. Do not forget that we eill be here if you need us. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Take care my friend.
Do what you need to do. At this point I'm hoping for you to catch a break more than your characters. I can't say for sure you'll follow through with all the expectations others have placed on you but if I know anything about human nature it's that you'll find a way to realize yourself. As for wishing you'd been a better son, that's in the past. For better or for worse (which is not up to anyone but you to judge upon) you are who you are. Maybe things could have been different, but for now I offer only that you must make do and grow as you must to face the time ahead of you. Maybe a little callous but it's gotten me to where I am.
I don't want to dismiss your concerns or your hardships, man. I really appreciate that you take the time to keep us updated on here while you go through a bunch of stuff most of us can only imagine, and to me that speaks wonders of your character. Persevere, and remember that you will rarely be alone throughout it all.