Notes From The Pre-Readers, Pride of the Family

Notes From The Pre-Readers

So another fic has come and gone. As always, some of my friends and pre-readers leave notes in the google docs or elsewhere on what to do. Ever since Button’s Date, I’ve made a tradition of posting those notes in the comment section of each story for two reasons;
The first is for fun for fans like you who are curious enough to care, and the second is when I have to delete the rough draft to make room for the next story, I can look back on their notes both to learn from, and look back on.
This is what they had to say if you want to just see it now. ^^’

Crowley
pegusi” with “pegasus”
"pegasi" is plural, as in more than one. Since Scootaloo is only one pegasus, it does not apply.

“What’s for diner? Jasper’s Pizza Pies, or Loung Youngs Tofu?”

Crowley
I have no idea what this is.

Me
suppose to be a Chinese restaurant, but flat on horse puns for that :(

“At Ease!”

Sparky
consider rewording. Maybe use calm or cool instead?

“, but smiled”

Sparkle Chord
Rainbow Dash is already stated to be smiling. No need to mention it twice c:

“Actually,” Rainbow said, taking a step back out of the house. “It’s my dad’s birthday today (open to some other event). And they wanted you over for dinner if that’s alright, squirt.”

Sparky
Don’t forget to delete this xD

“Yeah, i guess we have together...”

Sparky
did you mean eachother?

Yes -_- only it’s, each other, space ;p

Wand Whistler

Sparky
wasn't her name Wind Whistler?

Me
Yes -_-

The hardest part to write was Rainbow’s parents acting rasiest, and even wrote this in the google doc to motivae me;

Trouble planing how to play this out; RD’s parents don’t want to be prejudice, they really don’t want to be. However, their additives reflect what they’re use to. Comes to full after something accidentally offensive is said. Scootaloo storms off, dash scolded her parents and fallows. Some heart to heart between the two sister, go back in, where the parents apologized to each other and explain it’s not what they’re use to but have problems with Scootaloos aunts. All is happy ^^
Help me figure out how to pull that off! >.>

This was Crowley response;

Idea: Windy is uneasy but ultimately tolerant with it, but Bow Hothoof (RD's Dad) asks a question too many. Here's a list of questions that might offend lesbian couples if talk about too often: https://www.salon.com/2013/09/25/10_things_not_to_say_to_a_lesbian_partner/
Make Bow Hothoof ask too many of those questions (not offensively, just out of dumb curiosity) and have one of the questions touch a nerve.

Me
ALRIGHT! Something to work with! :3

I also added;

Well… here goes m atemp 9remenber what your masters have taugth you, NO fear for a first draft, just WRITE!

Crowly
are you drunk?

me
no just getting over writers block... which is almost the same thing XD

Finally Lofty commented, “So I take it you two have never seen a gay couple before?”

Both Windy and Bow coughed on their food.

“Oh, what, no!” Windy said. “No no! Why wouldn’t we be? Just the… the first time we’ve met a pair. Not that we wouldn’t think your kind exist.”

Sparky
This section doesn't really make sense. It sounds like Windy is answering an entirely different question than the one that was asked.

Then, perhaps worried he sounded offensive,

Sparky
consider rewording. It's better to avoid pointing out exactly what someone is thinking if at all possible. Try to make it subtle.

Scootaloo threw her fork across the table

Sparky
it seems a bit odd that this question would upset Scootaloo enough to throw a fork. It makes sense that she'd be upset, but throwing utensils seems a bit too violent for the situation. Maybe have her just stand up and yell something instead?

To who it concerns, agree?

“I didn’t want me to judge like everypony dose. They don’t say it, but they don’t have too.”

Crowly
I tried to amend this to say something else, but then it occurred to me that I have no idea what you're trying to say in the first place, here.

me
i'll rethink it once i write in the scene before it

Scootaloo Deadpaned her eyes

Sparky
what exactly is 'deadpanning' at someone? Can you think of any other words that might describe what you're trying to convey here?

“I’m sure if we go back and talk to them, everything will be alright.”

Scootaloo softened. “Yeah…”

Sparky
this reads slightly awkwardly. It seems kinda odd for Rainbow to assume going inside will make everything okay? Maybe have her suggest talking to them instead.

“...and that’s how we learned never to wear green in Las Pegasus after Arbor Day.”

Crowly
I think you meant "wear green", but I'm not so sure.

Rainbow added, her voice ______.....

Crowly
Icey?

Sparky
Edgy voice??

me
one says no to icey is bad, now edgy... stupid month !

The stories resloution;

Crowley
How dare they settle their differences peacefully! >:(
But seriously, why an icy voice? Shouldn't it be more... confused?

Eh, it’s a short story I found myself time cruched in, but this was still the orginal way I wanted to go. Knowing some people have racial instincs, and once it’s off their chest and can admit they do harbor those feelings, and that it’s worng, they can move on.

“Like the time you broke the weather factory with your singing?

Sparky
how did she break the entire factory by singing?

me
insert opera singer in notes from the pre-readers

https://goo.gl/images/A7tUfD

Sparky
Who is Hothoof?

me
her dad, just have trouble remenberingg how it's spelled ^^"

yeah, was a huge pain throughout this ^^’

…’Bow’ started over his wife….

Sparky
-_-

Me
*pats your head*

Most of Sparkel Chords comments were suggesting I re-word certain sentences. This section is for the sentences she say I re-word to look back on later.

-How do you always know how to lighten me up? (saving for notes from the pre-readers)

-“You’re worried the combination of our two parents meeting will cause a disaster of embarrassment that will destroy the world!”

Also, she said this was a run-on

-Or unrelated and live together to help support your niece if I may ask?

Another run on

-However, there was a hint of... Something in that smile that but Scootaloo off. They were smile she had seen many times before, when ponies found out about her aunts..

-Rainbow Dash let out a sigh to see she was sitting on the edge of a cloud instead of off of it.

Also run on

-“Now, now!” Holiday interjected. “It’s not like we don’t deal with ponies who are new to our way of life all the time.”

-And family doesn't just turn family away, and loves them for who they are… Even if some of the things they do are a little odd, but perfectly acceptable!”

And of course, run on ^^’ Crowly is going to not let me live down starting a sentence with And after saying it was a pet peevee when I edited his fic OwO

-She looked up to her idol, friend, and best sister ever, giving a reassuring smile

Last one from her, and she added this for me to relfect on in the future;

consider rewording. Try using just one of the 3 adjectives used to describe Rainbow here?

Lastly, her final thoughts;

The story is cute and heartfelt overall, but it feels a bit rushed and convoluted. Some of the plot points seem rushed over, and I'd recommend putting a little more focus on the tension instead of simply brushing over it. I like the idea behind it though, and you did a lovely job of writing it c:

And for being a good friend/fandom daughter, she get’s to go to Jasper Pie’s for dinner! ^^

What Midnight said of my first draft;

i have three suggestions ^^ first describe rainbows parents when they first come in to the story.
second. perhaps have Scootaloo talk about an experience of her over hearing someone talking about her aunts that maybe made her be more hesident to bring ponies to meet her aunts.
third read over your story carfuly and make sure that things are spelt right ^^

the other suggestions your friend made I agree with :P so other than those looks good ^^

That’s all we have for this story. If I missed anything I’ll add it later, but thank you all for reading and I hope this was worth your time.