My Top Five Films (Or, at Least, Films I Saw) of 2017, Plus Bonus Content For Our Followers

Yes, yes. Welcome, one and all! It's me, back and happy to give you lot another blog post to gaze upon. And if you appreciate blogs of immense length, you're in luck.

As you may have seen from the title, this is my list for my top-viewed/only-viewed films of the year Twenty-Seventeen. An overall bad year, in my earnest opinion, but that's why we have explosives to play with. Hur, hur, hurrr...

Let's dig in, shall we?

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Six

Alien: Covenant

If I'm being generous, then overall, Alien: Covenant was... exceptionally meh. A little bit less than meh, if I knock off such a foolish gesture as leniency for something so unforgivable. There are simply too many things to list about why this movie was such a disappointment to me and most fellow fans of the aliens franchise who I know.

Biggest reason why? The film killed off a character I spent all of the movie prior (Prometheus, which was a fine film (unlike this trash heap)) rooting for. Mind you, this was someone who was a made-heroine thrust into a dire situation that she only survived by her blood, sweat, tears, one of the most brutal c-sections of all time, and the skin. Of. Her. Teeth... And this was all just there to have her simply get undeservingly axed off screen in an anticlimactic manner by someone she both helped and trusted for a nonsensical reason on his part. I mean, it could have at least been ironic in her ultimate fate. If it went the way as I originally predicted, that stupid android could have turned her into the first/prototype alien queen-thing. That, at least, would've been more like something he would've done with all the ingredients at his disposal, and it could've fit beautifully with the H. R. Giger imagery this series has often invoked to perfection. But nope, he just straight up murders her and then experiments on her corpse. An emotion-feeling android killed the one person he, apparently, loved most, for science, or something. There is no need to not spoil that bit; it's a just plain bad part of the film that tries to cram itself down your throat to show why our main antagonist is either such a shockingly, nonsensically sadistic twit, or, in my own opinion, such an ineffective and moronic, malfunctioning misanthrope with a toddler's faint grasp on Darwinian evolution we've seen a thousand times now in this media.

Ridley Scott... You script-changing ninny. You're too overambitious and hell-bent on adding religious symbolism to your material. Just hand over the rights to Neill Blomkamp already so he can make a decent sequel to Aliens (which would've starred Sigourney Weaver and render Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection non-canon, no less). That is, if he actually would return to such a project after you shot him down. Moving on.

Five

Star Wars: Episode Nine - The Last Jedi

There are seriously too many things to list about this movie. Too many divisive factors, too many divisive things in general. I tried doing an entire description on the film, but stopped after realizing it was almost twenty-one paragraphs long. So, here's the shorter portion of it.

As a movie on its own, it was great. Yeah, the film was pretty enjoyable, if lacking the 'Lucas touch' in some areas of notice. It shall indeed take some time getting used to in the whole jumble of the new Star Wars mythos, that's for sure. I must say, the acting was fantastic, there was a lot of weighty emotion that ran well, the action was quite good, and some other stuff. As for the issues, the plot went all over the place in ways that didn't interact very well, some parts of it were blatantly dense enough that I was left shaking my head, and there were one, or two, or four cringe-worthy lines/scenes. I found there to be too many human protagonists once again, as usual (needs more alien protagonists. You should've made Rose a Kaleesh or something. Add variety. Add flavor. Add spice. Add more aliens). Rey was still as Mary Sue-ish as ever, so there's that, too. there was an unneeded subplot that clung to the movie like a tumor, though it did little to dampen the entire experience. Also, there was a metric ton of climaxes. A metric ton of climaxes. In case you didn't know, a metric ton is too many. Far too many. It takes just one (or sometimes two) to numb your senses so that it won't be as surprising, even dough it's trying to be.

As for the character I have probably the most issue with, Admiral Holdo, there is something I wish to address (spoilers for the rest of this paragraph). Yes, I feel like fan-favorite Admiral Ackbar was gonna have -- and in some ways should have had -- her (rather rushed) role, had his voice actor not passed away a few years ago. But, then again, I doubt Disney would've had the stones or lack of sense to have a guy named 'Ackbar' actually kamikaze a ship, epic scene as it was or otherwise. Still sucks that they kept him alive just long enough to kill him off-screen. Also, who keeps that sort of information on such a clever plan from her own crew, the ones who are indubitably loyal to the cause, and expects them to roll with it? Holdo clearly possesses some serious trust issues on her part...

Also, I think this film had one of the single greatest live-action 'lightsaber fights' in the entire saga, rivaling Darth Maul's legendary duel back in The Phantom Menace. So it's got that going for it too, which is nice...

NEXT.

Four

My Little Pony: The Movie

While this next film may not be a glistening pile of gold as a film in and of itself, it understands its fanbase far more than the last movie on this list. From the perspective of a simple moviegoer, the My Little Pony: The Movie was fine. From the perspective of a fan of the show, the film was pretty good. The embodiment of optimism and fun, in fact. Great music, smooth animation, colorful visuals -- we received the whole shebang in a delightfully vibrant, pony-shaped package. All the scenes showing Emily Blunt as Tempest Shadow were easily the best bits of the film. The other villains were okay at most, and there may have been an issue with the fact that there may have been a bit too many characters than our grasp could handle, but those who know the show will recognize who is who and their faithfully-matching personalities. Overall, it was stupendous to watch on the big screen, and some of the more disgusting reviews given to it were the fault of a great many biased critics who either didn't even give the film a chance, or just didn't see it and made some stuff up (I'm still looking at you and that sack of manure you called your 'review', Michael Rechtshaffen. 'Worse than the Emoji Movie' my warty ass. Pray we never meet). See my prior blog post reviewing it for further details, followers.

Three

Logan

I'm so glad Marvel decided to adapt The Last of Us' Joel and Ellie to the big screen. All they were missing were the infected creatures. And is it me, or did some of them have weird mutant powers?

Okay, joke's over.

I honestly haven't seen any of the 'newer' X-Men movies after First Class, and I saw this after one of my siblings offered me the chance to hitch a ride to see it for his birthday. Let me tell you: you don't need a super firm grasp on the jumbled/wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey lore of these movies. It was an incredible experience. The action rocks, it amps up the violence and subtle tragedy more than ever before, and the acting, by all characters, is top-notch. Just as well, it was good to see Wheatley- eh, I mean Stephen Merchant again.

Said acting produced more than just grand performances, friends. Holy moly, the emotion in the film. Heavy, somber, bittersweet. Hard but tender, rough and slick. It captures it all, and it captures it true. You can feel the pain the characters endure, the little things they revel in while they have them, right before they are violently snatched away yet again. My tears have never flooded so much after seeing this.

Still waiting on that The Last of Us adaptation, and I'd love to see the guys and gals who did this do that one.

Two

A Silent Voice

I'm a big enough man to admit when a film makes me cry. And let me tell you, I wailed like a little bitch watching this one. If you're searching for a good drama film, one that deals with the still all-too-serious issues of bullying, depression, love, rejection and redemption conducted in perhaps the most mature manner you may ever see, I strongly advise this one.

One

The Shape of Water

It is a rare occurrence for me to leave a theater dizzied and satisfied to a fault from the film that was watched within it. The Shape of Water was one such film, and by all that is good and sacred in this messed-up world of ours, it earns this show of euphoria. Being a film by the one and only Guillermo del-freaking-Toro, I had hopes for it that reached higher than a skyscraper. And guess what?

How do I put this... This film fulfilled every single wish and hope for it that I had expected, and far, far, far more. Schindler's List was once my undisputed favorite film, above even del Toro's prior masterpiece, Pan's Labyrinth; but now... now, I believe del Toro has snatched the crown away with this moving canvas of art and beauty. Now, every movie, good and bad, has some small mistake hidden within it. Some meager or major failing, some flaw or two to its design. But for this movie... I can honestly remember witnessing none. This film physically embodied everything I love about a true fantastic romance. Every. Single. Thing. Forget your super-powered vampire/werewolf models, and forget your aliens disguised as bodybuilding, if quirky humans -- this is the real effing deal right here. Now, when you inevitably hear some folks saying things about this movie like, 'oh, she's fallen in love and wants to do it with a fish person, how gross', or 'this must be that fish-banging movie I've heard so much about', just remember that some of these people are the same ones who want a reanimated, bloodsucking corpse-abomination to elope with them. And it wasn't all about fish sex. If anything, that stuff was just the candles on the cake. Showy, flashy, beautiful, what the meal is apparently most famous for, but not the real treat itself. That, friends, belongs to the plot as a whole.

The plot was pulled off in a stroke that was nothing short of masterful, from the top of its head, right down to the base of its heel. Sally Hawkins' heroine interacting with Doug Jones' monster was an utterly fantastic, if also at times titillating ballad of fragile warmth, quiet tenderness, truest love, and passion most pure, built upon a meaningful foundation of earned trust and set within a framework of honest devotion that showed them both as being the undeniably perfect match for one another. It was displayed in an intimate form that I rarely see being depicted in such a creative, evocative, and yet oh-so real manner between two romantically-intertwined leads in film today, whether played seriously or otherwise. The development of Hawkins' character, Elisa, was a brilliant little gem in and of itself; the incomparably immense lengths she goes to ensure the safety of the one creature in her life who claimed her once-timid and lonesome heart in such a manner truly inspires me, and to see any moment of their relationship in a state of jeopardy due to the forces working against them kept me at the edge of my seat and made my heart pound like a my hammer to a nail.

These two might have shown us an incredible time, but both of their performances alone were not all the good parts to be had. For the era this was meant to represent - Maryland in the early 1960s - The Shape of Water truly invokes the times like few have managed to genuinely reproduced. The color of said backgrounds was also phenomenal, with each painstakingly-crafted piece aiding in the endeavor to add something wonderful. Going with this like jelly to one's peanut butter, the music was splendid, helping to set either the mood or situation at hand. And this is without getting into the other juicy bits.

The side and supporting characters who we got to see were just as valuable to this story as its leads, each showing off a vibrant array of emotion, wit, drive, and believability that you can't help but wish to see more of. Even if they must trudge knee-to-neck-deep through the unrelenting sea of darkness, doubt and despondency that threatens daily to snuff out their flames with their ignorance and discrimination, the secondary protagonists, when they come together as one, manage to shine through it like suns to the void of space. The main villain, scary as he was and with such an uninviting personality, was also driven by such feelings reminiscent of that, only reversed in some ways, as he represents the 'superior role' of the times.

Now, I waited an ungodly amount of time to view this baby on its scheduled release date. The time eventually came, and I then proceeded to wait another month longer because every crappy theater in my home state decided not to show it. I finally got to witness it in all of its glory when one little cinema finally did start showing it around mid January-ish, and let me personally tell you this: The wait was worth it. No film is truly perfect, but this film came closer than I've ever known.

As final, little thing worth mentioning, those few folks who have accuse this film of somehow plagiarizing their own works can go ahead and bite me. Dolphins aren't fish-men, and a basic premise -- a basic, basic premise -- isn't an entire story to liken to whatever you made. Put as much effort into your sob story as del Toro put into this masterpiece, then you can complain, people.

Well? On to the bonuses.

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Favorite Premier

The Ancient Magus' Bride

This beatific little tale of our bears its roots in a manga that came to be as far back as Twenty-Thirteen... I think. But in all seriousness, how... how has such a beauteous tale eluded my grasp for so long? The anime started airing late last year, and with the first three episodes tucked under my belt, I was instantly hooked. When I discovered that this was based off said manga, I nearly screamed chuckled with glee.

With much haste I traveled to my local Barnes and Nobel, got my mitts on all seven volumes of the manga (just got the eighth one -- hoo boy), and started reading. I can now safely say that it's pure brilliance. Pure, undiluted brilliance.

By all that is good, Chise Hatori is an amazing character to root for. Her development is wonderfully, meticulously constructed and incredibly believable while still wholly capturing the mystical charm about the setting in its most raw and pure forms. Her relationship with our other lead, Elias, is a slow, but steady and firmly-building one. It's clearly going to take its time, but it's going to do so in the best way possible.

GO WATCH IT. GO READ IT. DO IT, COWARDS! DO IT NOW!

Film I Hope Doesn't Suck, But Just Might Suck

Pacific Rim Uprising

What can I say; I liked Pacific Rim. Giant robots versus giant monsters... what's not to like about that? Naturally, I also have high hopes that its next installment will become just as much of a win in my heart. Yeah, I know that the big d-G man is off this project, so it's probably gonna lack his signature touch. Also, upon a first glance, it looks very Transformer-y (speaking of which, Imma throw a big shaky fist to mah nemesis, Mich 'Awesomekersplosion' Bay, for the shenanigans he pulled on that series (and Ninja Turtles for that matter. Childhood turned into a dumpster fire!)).

Charlie Kelly Day is back in reprisal of his funny role as that scientist-guy (shame our two main protagonists of the last film aren't in the spotlight any longer), and we've got John Boyega in the main character slot now. So at least we've got that stuff going as of now, which is nice. Only time'll tell if it's all good, though. The time's almost here, at least, eh? EH? Hmm...

I feel hungry.

Film I Want to See Bomb the Most
Teen Titans Go! To the Movies

It is unworthy of a wallpaper scene. It is unworthy of a description, aside from the image of it being a perverted, corrupt parody of the original show that easily deserved the movie spot more so than this loaf of bloody fecal matter. It is unworthy of even my cast spittle. No further words are needed.

Most Anticipated Film

Alita: Battle Angel

Battle Angel Alita's a really good manga, first off; one of my all-time favorites, in fact. Sure, the animation on Alita herself in the trailers looks a bit uncanny, but I think that's the point, given that she's a robot. A really, really advanced robot. And awesome. You know, I heard about the project a while back, and it got me salivating rather hard when the first trailer dropped. I'm hoping it's gonna be good. And it had better be!

Well, that's all I got. Thanks for stopping by and checking my opinion on things. See you all soon.
See you all real soon.