• Member Since 23rd Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Aug 16th, 2022


All my stories end with the word "gullible." No really, check them out!

More Blog Posts320

  • 31 weeks

    Hello all. Like always when I make posts on here these days... it's been a while, eh?

    I do not even know where to begin, exactly. I know it has been an eternity since I posted a piece of writing on here, and that even includes blog posts... but that's okay.

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    8 comments · 194 views
  • 74 weeks
    MLP Gen 5 Movie: A Review (but only sorta since like half this review is gonna talk about Hitch Trailblazer lol)

    To be honest, prior to watching the MLP Gen 5 movie, I had literally ZERO hype for it. I walked into it with virtually no expectations... and honestly, I was actually expecting it to be kinda, well, bad.

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    8 comments · 233 views
  • 95 weeks
    Semester is Over LMAO

    Quote from my last blog: "However, the semester is starting back up, and it's looking busy as always, soooo I will have limited time to work on it. The thing, though? I am still gonna keep working on it. I'll make time."


    Ha. Hahaha, hahaha. Hooheeha.

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    3 comments · 193 views
  • 113 weeks
    Chapter 2 Posted!

    Hey y'all. I managed to post the 2nd chapter of my niche passion project in a semi-reasonable time frame! WOW! Granted, it's not the "BIG ONE" yet, but I already have a start on that one and it's going well. This chapter is sort of the calm before the storm... and it'll be a storm for sure.

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    2 comments · 260 views
  • 115 weeks
    NEW STORY: B(e)aring It All

    by Arwhale

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    0 comments · 177 views

It won't get better. · 3:07am Feb 8th, 2018

I'm not neurotypical. When I am in a social situation, I expend all of my energy keeping my autistic tendencies in check and fighting the social anxiety that would otherwise make me shut down or have a panic attack. By the end of the day I'm totally exhausted. Can't think straight, dreading the next day. I never get "used to it" and it never gets any better.

I can't connect with people. I always feel awkward, always try my best not to annoy people like I so easily can do. I have nothing of interest to share with anybody. The most I contribute to anything is an attempt at a joke or something, but that's it. I try to put myself out there, but deep down I know I'm never going to be able to change how my brain is wired. I'm living a lie every single day.

I dread my clinic rotation. I'm always consumed by anxiety when I'm with patients. I just want to go home and sleep. I feign enthusiasm until I'm utterly spent. Sleep isn't enough anymore. I just want to die. I want my life to be over right now. If a robber pointed a gun at me, I'd tell him to shoot me. I want to cut my throat, but I'd probably just fuck it up, get institutionalized, flunk out and be even worse off with no ability to end it all. I can't buy a gun, otherwise I'd be dead right now. I regret ever telling my dad about my suicide plan two years ago. I could just be gone now. I peaked already.

I don't think I can do anything on here anymore. I have no energy or will anymore. Maybe someday it can come back, but I'm losing all hope. In everything. You guys should honestly just unfollow me.

Report Arwhale · 647 views ·
Comments ( 19 )

but deep down I know I'm never going to be able to change how my brain is wired

Then don't?

I imagine it's a lot harder than it sounds, but I feel like that should be the game plan. Start by being comfortable with who you are, and focus on that. Regardless of what you might think, there are people that care about you. Focus on that, too.

"Life is like a book. There are good chapters, and there are bad chapters. But when you get to a bad chapter, you don’t stop reading the book. If you do…
then you never get to find out what happens next."

Brother, I caan't pretend to have any answers or remedies for you, but please, I'm fucking begging you not to end your life. Don't give up on the chance for a better life, to finding a way to deal with your disorder. Reach out, get in contact with someone who is a expert and can help you. We recently had someone in my unit try to commit suicide and it devastated everyone. There are people out there who care, and you'll not only rob yourself of the chance to live a better life but you'll crush so many other people as well. Im here to listen as well if you would like to message me. I might not know a solution but I won't turn you away or feel like you are annoying me.

You're in my thoughts and prayers bro. It does get better, thank God, even though a lot of times I have no idea how it could. But it does, eventually, every time.

It won't get better.

That's a lie.

Twenty-three years ago, my wife divorced me and tried to take my children away from me. I fell into a deep depression that's never truly left me. I had no medical insurance, so I couldn't afford to see a doctor to get any meds for it. So I took a coat hanger, formed it into a noose, then tied it to my upstairs balcony with a rope. I was just about to jump, then I thought about my children, and what my suicide would do to them.

I took the noose from around my neck and started living.

Soon after that, I lost my apartment because I couldn't afford it anymore after I'd gotten fired. Again. So I lived in my car, and worked day labor jobs for food and gas. I went weeks without bathing until I figured out I could go to a local community center to take showers. This went on for years until my mother found out about it and invited me to live with her in Texas. Then, I had no time to think about myself, as I was helping my mother with the homeless shelter she was running.

I found my salvation in helping others.

So this is what I suggest to you. You obviously have people who love you. Don't turn your back on them. Find someone worse off than you, and GET INVOLVED IN THEIR LIFE.

My prayers are with you, Arwhale. The world would be a sadder place with you gone.

I'm not going to say things will get better. I am not the blind optimist that's going to say what you need to hear to choose no this one time. You want honesty, I can tell.

That being said, I am in that same boat. My family has built lives on being neuroatypical. We have each found a way to leverage our eccentricities despite hurdles along the way.

I ask you at this point instead of considering what you should do, think of what you would like to do. It's easy to burden yourself with responsibilities you don't want or associate with people you do don't like. You can exercise, you can sleep, you can binge watch Netflix or any media of your desire. Life will remain, for you, I, and few others, a task of endurance if you do not partition some of your time to something you want or like to do.

I have considered teaching at university or high school because the student are more self-sufficient and the authority I have allows me to approach more people in a state of calm and collectedness. I have fun discussing theories or paper topics with professors, and summers off is a godsend. I say this because you might see the appeal, but many wouldn't.

I have found friends that like me in spite of and because of my quirks. We all have our own stressors, and you sound as though you need a path that not only caters to your strengths, but also avoids your weaknesses.

Life is exhausting, and the more work you make it, the more tiring it will become. Sleep isn't going to recharge your batteries if you wake up every day dreading the hours to come. Find something you like, a passion/hobby that you genuinely look forward to indulging when given the chance. Living is best when you have things to live for and when it's your life your living.

There are people with similar goals and personalities to yours. I don't say that expecting it to make you feel better, but from hoping that you will seek them out so that you can both benefit in ways others may not understand.

Life is a race, and also optional. Some people have different physiques, some have a shorter distances, some forfeit early, some take steroids, and some get hurt along the way. Most think everyone will race the same way. Being neuroatypical can mean you don't have to. Don't take the permanent solution to a potentionally temporary problem. While it may seem like an attractive option, don't think of it for a second as the only one.

Things may not get better, but they can. Give life that chance.

I'm living a lie every single day.

Then stop living a lie. From what I can gather here, that's the main thing that causes you stress and turns you into a weak, suicidal mess. So, stop lying and don't pretend you are someone that you aren't.
I'm also not very socially around others, outside of the Internet, and I always tried to fight it at season start/finale meetups. Never worked.
At the end of 2015, shortly after Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle got their cutie marks, I had enough of trying to make friends and decided to just stick with acquaintances, but nothing too close.
Which led to it that, as soon as the next meetup came once Season 6 started, I didn't even try anymore to talk to people. I answered if they talked to me or approached them if I needed to ask something urgent, but other than that, just was there and enjoyed the atmosphere, watched the Season 6 Opener and chewed some tasty food.
It worked very well and felt a lot better than all those forced attempts of being social and the resulting disappointment when that didn't work out. I accepted myself as being mostly a loner and since I did that, I'm a lot happier and more relaxed. Much more relaxed than I ever was before, because I realized my true self and started to accept it.
Embrace your weaknesses, that's the key to be truly happy. If you fight who you truly are, you will only suffer.

You're stronger then you think I know it's tough for you but IT will get better it won't happen today or tomorrow but someday soon it will you just have to think positive and live your life one day at a time

Goodness, why would we unfollow you simply because you feel terrible? If that's the case, then we should make your day better by sticking with you, man. I won't give up on you. You are an awesome guy, regardless of how you feel about yourself. Remember that, dude. You. Are Awesome. And you can make it. And we will always, always love you, man.

Man, why would we unfollow you because you feel like crap? Start being comfortable with who you are, and stick to that. Remember, there are people who care about you. Not just us, but your family as well. How would they feel if you decided to end it?

Honestly I have nothing else to say that hasn't already been said down in this comment section.
But if you take the time to look and read your comments you will find clarity!

Even though we may not have met you or really know you, we all care for you! I relate and agree with with everyone here. I had a friend end his life and it struck me hard, I fell into a deep depression and thought about killing myself on several occasions, but then I thought about my family, my friends, and the people I chat with online, and how I would be taking away something that they care about, may cause them to do the same thing. I have found my own way of dealing with depression and stress is exercise, voice acting, and just being myself around friends and strangers alike! If you feel like your living a lie, then stop living a lie, be yourself. Take life one step at a time, people care about you and don't want to see you go.. so please, take care of yourself my friend.

There is a great being that patrols the realm of Tumblr, they have many a follower, and only one mantra. Always. ALWAYS. Help an Amigo, Amigo.
-A fellow Brony Amigo

Bronies support each other.

I may not know you, but everyone here are right. Don't end your life, and be like Bricklayer said. *hugs*

You are not alone. There will always be some who cares for you. I guess what I'm trying to say is this:

I've probably mentioned this before, but even if I haven't it's important, dealing with a disease, where there's no cure, I'm dealing with that to, have been for ten years and my rock this whole times has been my family.

Being honest with them when I'm feeling depressed, having someone to talk to, to help deal with my darker thoughts at my darker times, it helps, but even if a person doesn't have that, even if they do, if they accept it they can turn to the Bible to help get them through the tough times, knowing at any moment you have someone to talk to, to watch out for you, it truly helps.

I'm not trying to sell you it, you can do with it what you will, but know we're all here for you man, I'll keep you in my prayers.

You can come to us. We'll listen to you.

Guys I think its too late. He's gone.

Oh sorry. I wasn't trying to be rude or any thing. But look at these comment here. You have people who will be here for you. Trust me, things always gets better, you just need to have faith in it. And your friends and family will be right by your side.

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