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The Darksaber that is now legend! Patreon reward for nuclearcore! · 9:04am Jan 26th, 2018

First off, if you didn’t catch my last discussion blog, it’s here. Comments have some corrections from me as it seems my initial assessment of the matchup was pretty spot on. I blame Death Battle.

Now, you’re probably hoping this is about the “black” lightsaber passed around by the Mandalorians! Unfortunately for everyone, it’s not… Or you don’t know enough about Star Wars to know what I’m talking about. On the plus side, it’s still Star Wars

Nuclearcore requested me to pick something that still torments me to this day, perhaps something forgotten, so I dug deep into my past of Star Wars EU obsession and picked one of the worst Star Wars novels I’ve read.

Not my pic, but I DO actually still own the hardcover of this thing…

Some background (major EU spoilers ahead). This takes place in a sort of… lull in the EU. Grand Admiral Thrawn (now recanonized) showed up with a big fleet and nearly killed all the New Republic, all of it. He was defeated. Then the Emperor was all “Surprise! I have clone bodies and super weapons forever, n00bs” and then HE nearly killed all the New Republic, all of it… staring with the Mon Calamari homeworld. And then…uh… Admiral Daala showed up and caused some mischief with the Death Star prototype. She’s now recruited Thrawn’s former right-hand man, Pellaeon (being the only two high-ranking officers in the Imperial remnants who aren’t winey babies running the entire EMPIRE into the void) and also she ended up attacking Mon Calamari before all that… because fuck fish people, I guess…

Anyhow, Daala and Pellaeon have big … okay, not superweapon, but Super Star Destroyer plans for the New Republic, a NEW big bad takes center stage with their own super weapon they’re building because apparently they’re one of the few who haven’t stubbed their toes on one of Palpatine’s super weapons (also, they don’t have toes)!

Made by me. Inspired by this.

And what species is the biggest and also the baddest?

That’s right! The Hutts!

Uh…R.I.P. Carrey Fisher…

Durga the Hutt, while once Vigo of Black Sun, has decided he wants to step up from being known as edgier, but still bargain basement Jabba the Hutt and is going to make a weapon that’ll bring the galaxy to its knees… maybe!

Wanna know how I got these scars?

He’s enlisted the original head engineer of the Death Star Bevel Lemelisk (Galen Erso of Rogue One fame not being in the EU). Bevel, who was held responsible for the destruction of the first Death Star due to what I can only assume is a lack of good quality assurance, has been killed and had his consciousness transferred about half a dozen times to clone bodies as punishment from the Empreror… Which, while very macabre, was actually one of the better aspects of the book, I thought. Also throwing up one's hands and saying "Well someone shoud have caught my explody mistake" is such an engineer thing to do that I can't help but like this sociopath a little...

Meanwhile, Luke is on a journey with his then-girlfriend Callista Ming to restore her force powers after a bunch of Palpatine Shenanigans (which still account for a good portion of the shenanigans in the galaxy). They end up going to a buncha places including Dagaba where they learn that Callista can get the force back if she’s okay killing younglings falling to the dark side. On this whirlwind tour of places Luke’s dealt with the force, which mostly makes for some pretty terrible dating spots, the couple end up at Hoth…. Cause’ I don’t know… I guess Callista said Luke couldn’t possibly think of a worse place than Dagobah and he settled on Hoth in case he needed to take her to an even WORSE planet. Then they have to save some people (they fail) from a Wompa army lead by the Wampa Luke partially disarmed back in Empire. I guess Wampa’s really like to hold grudges and are willing to wait a decade or two to see if the target of their ire will just show up. Then Luke and Callista need to escape, which they succeeded at.

The other sub-plot involves a couple of Luke’s students, one who’s really into body building and known omnicidal maniac Kyp Durron! Funny story about Kyp, you see it turns out he was force sensitive and then he stubbed his toe one on one of the aforementioned super weapons the Emperor kept in his giant space closet. It blows up stars… and is also half the size of the Millennium Falcon.

Deal with it! You’re not special!

Anyhow, Kyp fell to the darkside, which is apparently some sort of Luke Skywalker trainee rite of passage, tried to rescue his brother, failed, and took out an entire star system. But because he had temporarily fallen to the dark side, it was only billions or maybe a trillion of IMPERIAL citizens killed, he felt like… super bad about it, he was pardoned.

That all happened in a different set of stories, though (same author, however). Here, Daala attacks Yavin and he with his friend Dorsk 81 use the force to create some sort of light-side super laser that nearly destroys Daala’s Super Star Destroyer. Unfortunately, Dorsk gets burnt out like a force light bulb and dies… Also, Callista confronts Daala as the Imperial Admiral is fleeing. Seeing that regular blaster bolts don’t work against the space samurai who can deflect them, Daala stuns Callista with her blaster and leaves to hand the reigns of the Imperial remnants to Pelleon.

Honestly, just look at that mustache. It’s really on Daala for not handing everything over to Pellaeon upon seeing him for the first time.

Meanwhile, or interspersed with all of… that… hero of the New Republic Crix Madine (who was actually IN Return of the Jedi as the one who coordinated the destruction of the shield generator and acquired that sweet Imperial shuttle) tracks down Durga as the Hutt has Lemelisk construct the Darksaber… with the help of some very distractible hive-mind space ferrets. The construction goes about as well as you might think anything built by distractible space ferrets would go.

That being said, Crix makes his way onto the under construction superweapon. He successfully leads the New Republic fleet to the incomplete superweapon, but is discovered. He’s then is killed by Durga of all characters.

Crix looks about as upset about this development as I am!

Durga, possibly realizing there’s a lot of merit in shielding a super laser in tons and tons of nearly impenetrable armor and having a fleet to protect it, flees, as he has neither of those things. He tries to escape into an asteroid field. But WAIT! There’s a giant asteroid in his path! He commands the ferrets to blow it up, but because they are the worst sub-contractors ever, the Darksaber crashes into the giant solid chunk of rock and is destroyed… having accomplished pretty much nothing.

That’s about it… Callista breaks up with Luke because he’s gotta raise the next generation of Jedi so a good third of them can turn and become the new dark Jedi villains when able and she needs to go off to get possessed by some evil Dark Jedi ghost of which there are many… Maybe she should have asked Kyp about that.

Okay, so not all of what’s up there is on the author Michael J. Stackpole, but he did give us Kyp, Daala, and a good portion of the stranger Star Wars EU fallout for a while from his pen strokes. I’ll admit I ate up the YA Novels about the Solo twins he wrote with his wife, but even those had a little bit of silly shenanigans when you compare to the epicenes that a lot of the Star Wars EU gave us prior…

I mean… the Wampa’s… getting past the fact that Hutts are giant slug monsters to make Durga a credible villain only to revile that he wasn’t at any point… Not to mention that the best part about Daala was that she realized she was in WAY over her head at the end and passed things on to the Watson of Star Wars. Crix’s death is probably the worst part here, and I say that from a writers perspective. He's a canon character that has some pretty detailed Star Wars history and he gets offed by this kinda one-off character who, in the end, didn’t even pose a credible threat. At the very least you could have had Durga blow up a ship or two before the folly of his plan was exposed.

The whole thing sort of is a bizarre epilogue to a trilogy that sucked in other EU stuff and tied off ends that weren’t maybe loose to begin with, Callista as a love interest to Luke being a bit of a waste here in particular.

While not really the WORST EU thing, it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth and it’s over two decades old. Stackpole certainly made some things that were cool and were happily accepted into the EU, the crazy black hole cluster known as the Maw being the forefront of my mind, but with the exception of Pellaeon being put in charge of the Imperial remnants, pretty much everything could be summed up with:

Anyhow, there was Darksaber. I can assure you if this is the first of you hearing/reading about it there’s no way this blog brought on as much long lasting misery as it has to me. If you want to get into the EU and have no idea what’s what… DON’T READ THIS BOOK. Go read the Thrawn trilogy or maybe see the crazy insane spectacle that is Emperor Palpatine Dracula from The Dark Empire comics.

And now you know what David Bowie would look like as a Sith. You’re welcome.

I do this insanity as many times a month as people see fit to pay me. Feel free to get in on this and get early access to story chapters, talk to me on Discord, etc.... Next time I either do more Tag and Bink or talk about the War Boys of Fury Road.

Catch you in the comments!

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Comments ( 1 )

Sith David Bowie. Not entire sure if I'm on board with that idea. Also, seeing Palpatine as anything other than an old man is WEIRD.

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