Ancient blog followup: the literary sewage mystery revealed. · 1:51am Jan 18th, 2018
A few years ago, I read a bad book.
How bad?
(Why? See the second half of this.)
And at the time, I didn't say what the book was. I never identified title or author. Part of this was because I didn't want the trope known as Bile Fascination to kick in. A little of the rest was not really wanting people to pile on the writer. Most of the remainder was just having the pain being too fresh. So I said a few words about the dubious editing process, and I called it a day.
But I was in chat tonight, and found MaxKodan suffering through a published work, something worse than much of the basement-level fanfic on the site. I told him I'd seen worse than that, linked to the original blog. People naturally inquired what the book was. And... it's been a few years.
We Do Not Speak The Name. Or rather, I didn't until today.
So for those who've been here a while, I'm going to clear up the mystery. I will link to the book's Amazon page as the last line in this blog post. But before doing so, I want to provide a few warnings. If you click on the Look Inside feature (as many of those in chat have done), you do so at your own risk. If you buy it, even ironically, then on your own head be it. If you read the whole thing, the resulting damage is your fault alone.
And if you post a review, please don't mention me.
It's been a few years. Most of the pain has faded. Technically, I never paid for this book, not with my own money. The person who wanted me to read it provided the funds and I added them to my Amazon balance, then spent them just as I'd promised to. But I also haven't looked back to see if the writer did anything else. I carefully, perhaps deliberately forgot his name...
So when you reach the page, look at the name of the editor. That's a potential small laugh in itself.
But you also might want to note the author.
...nah. Couldn't be.
Could it?
Yeah, that definitely seems like a reputable editor.
As for the story itself, it's a strange blend of encouraging and depressing to know that I've written something better than that.
The editor name is also 'interesting' :D
I thought you were talking about Laser Books Science Fiction edited by Roger Elwood back in the 1970s.
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Hell, it sounds like I'VE written better stuff than that (though not on this site)
Is there an Alan Smithee for book publishing?
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You clicked Look Inside, didn't you?
*sigh*
So how's that bile taste?
Was the editor always listed as that? Or did the author somehow update it as a joke after realizing they had been ripped off?
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Couldn't say. I got it from the Kindle store, through the Kindle itself. Either an editor wasn't listed or I didn't notice it at the time.
KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!
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I've certainly had more enjoyable episodes of acid reflux, I can tell you that much.
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Well, at least you now know what I meant about the cover art.
And the opening Plot Twist.
And a few of the other things which had me begging for the sweet release of death.
I'm surprised the author isn't "Jeff Writesbooksguy". >.>
They probably (hopefully!) are not the same person, but Amazon gives some interesting results when searching for the author's name: apparently they have a book about teaching and selecting "quality" young adult literature (from the description blurb; perhaps the linked story can be used as a negative example?) and a book about terrorism ("Professor of Violence at the University of Wisconsin" sounds like a deliciously barmy mix of DC/Marvel universe and Cave Johnson)...
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I am holding out for "Writer McWriterface".
I just skimmed loosely. Count the number of paragraphs per page that start with 'Freddy' just for the humor.
Somebody should really drop a piano on this one.
I'm wondering if the publishing process was just an algorithm that doesnt know better, or if theres a human somewhere who saw it and thought it was funny and just went with it...
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Another fine book from Totally Legit Publishing!
This is obviously a pony name that got messed up in translation. Add “Fu” as a prefix to the first name, “Mr” becomes “Missed” instead of mister, and then his job title is the rest.
He obviously proofread his own business cards.
With a name like that it was either editing, or (insert the ball sport of your choice).
what the absolute fuck
This post actually gave me a nightmare, so thanks,
EsteeJeff Kaplan!Seriously, though. Take it from me, don't browse the internet right before bed, kids.
Ugh...
I read the first three pages and I have to admit that it's so bad it's almost desirable to keep reading to see how bad it is.
🚮
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The ranking numbers on that listing appear to have changed.
Which one of you bit?
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Not me! I've wasted enough money on indie books that looked good from the outset!
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Don't look at me; I like my stomach lining the way it is. Maybe someone's looking wherever they can for hints about the next Overwatch character.
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Not I. I read about a sentence of the "look inside" and promptly vomited
I couldn't get through more than four sentences.
Bad writing's always particularly painful for me, since I know that I used to (and probably still do) write stuff of that caliber.
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If it helps, I loved A Royal Appearance, and think it's quite well dome.
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123NOTIT
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Ew.
No!
Four pages of the sample was enough.
Rambling noob writing.
I sure didn't buy it.
Looking at the blurb again, though... does it switch tense three different times? Because I'm not entirely sure it doesn't.
Honestly? Reading schlock like this fills me less with disgust and more with encouragement. It tells me that even now, when I still don't feel ready to publish my own original fiction, I'm doing better than other published writers out there.
Granted, this is a self-published work on amazon and there's no real bar for entry for those, so maybe I shouldn't get quite so enthusiastic.
Also 'not it'. Wow, this is like a game of werewolf now. Which one of you is going to murder us all in our sleep?
Life is too short to read bad fiction. (Not me.)
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"I" may be guilty there: I showed Significant Other the book and he may have purchased a copy.
He told me (I do not think he has posted an "official" review yet) something to the effect of "Kaplain is an exemplary writer: he provides an absolutely ace example of what not to do. I would not waste bandwidth pirating this."
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...I feel oddly guilty about this.
Also slightly ill.
And now I'm sneezing.
It's a cold. This book has given me an actual cold.
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Gives "computer virus" a new meaning I guess.