Finding Motivation · 6:31pm Dec 2nd, 2017
I don't know if I've actually told the people who follow me in a blog yet, but if you follow TheVClaw you should know by now that about a month ago we finally made the jump of long distance to moving in together. In a few days I'll have been with him every day for a solid month and it's... odd. I think it's more odd because of how comfortable I am with it over anything. I remember my first night here after a long long drive I started to panic over what I had done, but after a good night's sleep I stopped worrying about that and haven't even considered that I might have made the wrong move since.
Obviously moving has a lot of stress. I'm still frantically trying to get somebody to give me my damn anti-depressants and about a week ago wasted 100 dollars because I locked myself out of my boyfriend's car at wallmart like a moron. Otherwise it's fine. I've been applying for jobs, but haven't heard back in a little over a week. Part of me is stressed when I think about that. I still have a fear of working that I'm struggling to control. A big fear of mine is that I'm nothing but dead weight and a burden to my boyfriend financially, and because that is how I view myself in my rawest form I need constant validation that I'm not. I know recently he had to take on a few commissions because he lent me some cash, even if he didn't say it directly I know I'm what put him over the edge when he was on the fence if he wanted to take any on. It's not bad, but not finding a job is scary sometimes and also deep down not *wanting* a job because of poor past experiences and dumb fears is just more guilt my way. I think that fear of working and inability to properly put myself out there is why I'm so hard on myself at times like this when I'm struggling to write.
Many of you might not know this but I actually have been trying to work on Roots. This recent chapter I started to write, but at about 1500 words felt like I was repeating the same thing again and again and lost all motivation. I find motivation is hard lately because I want to create but my ideas are dry and gone. I think that is the worst feeling, personally. The need to create but your mind not allowing you to think of what. All ideas seem too difficult or too vague to turn properly into stories. I'm trying to go easy on myself but it's hard not to fall back into old habits at times.
I think I'm happier here than I was at home. I don't feel stressed about small stuff and when I'm sad I have somebody there for me. It's usually just when I let my mind wander about the state of my money or jobs or writing it's when I panic and shut down. My response to things becoming hard is to get overly anxious and then crash, fixing nothing and improving nothing in the process. I'm trying to work on it, but it gets hard.
well i don't know if this will help or not but you could try writing about a character that you can be more free with like an oc and paring him up with a background Pony?
i don't know whats going on in your life but all i can say is that you can do it! your amazing i can tell because of the story you write so just have a little faith k.