Conversations Suck 2: Pick Your Battles · 5:04am Dec 2nd, 2017
Note: This blog delves into serious issues involving my personal life. If you're looking for entertainment, you won't find it here. See other parts of this series: |1|
My experiences with conversations is varied and muddy at best, since I've never been an effective communicator in my own right. Still, since landing a new job that puts the weight of leadership on me, I've found myself needing to communicate very clearly in order for things to be done right.
But that's what I'm paid to do. When it comes to family matters? Even expressing my discomfort is shot down.
This actually happened this past Thanksgiving weekend. I noticed that two members of my family were annoying each other, as they've done for years. While one was trying her hardest to just focus on the route, the other seemed hell-bent on instigating their annoyances further. Meanwhile, I'm sitting behind them, and I decide that hearing the same tired routine for years on end is no longer acceptable to me, and I ask for the poking and prodding of the proverbial hornets' nest to stop.
It was simple enough. "Look, I know I don't usually step in like this, but we're going to a dinner with family. Can you please stop instigating?" I showed a measure of restraint and respect that I wouldn't normally need while at work, and even in hindsight it was a perfectly good request. I left the decision up to them, but I made it clear that I wasn't comfortable with how things were. Especially since what one person was doing to the other was, in essence, bullying.
Well. As it happened, all I managed to do was open a can of worms, because no sooner after my request did one of those people turn their annoyance toward me, demanding that I just put in my earphones (listen to music or something) and "stay the hell out of my business."
The two of them go back and forth about the discomfort I showed, with one saying how I didn't know what had happened before, and the other pointing out that we were, in fact, headed to a holiday dinner and shouldn't be mad when we arrive. I chime in with "You're right, I don't know what happened, but I know what's happening now. Please. Stop instigating. We don't need to be angry the whole night, do we?"
My only result was another demand to ignore them.
As the night pressed on, though, I noticed something. Because I called attention to the discomfort I felt, or perhaps in spite of it, the two of them stopped what they were doing - instigating and feigning ignorance - for the rest of the time we were together. Once I realized that, I put my own feelings behind me, instead choosing to focus on the end result. They had, in fact, stopped bullying and enabling, and that's all I really wanted.
It was a rare occurrence for me, especially after my whole life of being told I'm wrong, and it's something I've thought back to ever since that night. Does this technically count as a win? I got what I wanted, and I know that more people than me benefited from it, in spite of how I was treated. Plus, thinking back to how things have been going since my return to Texas, I'm been wrong on fewer occasions than ever. In fact, I've been right about a lot of things!
...
It's a nice, empowering thought, and I sometimes tap into that feeling of triumph when I'm working or writing, but I know it's only one result out of two for each time it happened. Conversations that involve family have no 'short-term' goal in mind. Sure, I called out the elephant in the room and got the awkwardness to stop, but that's not gonna stop the bullying and enabling tomorrow or the next day. Sure, I was right about both of the jobs I landed in the last six months, but it's still not quite enough to clear my debt. Sure, I've been right a few times lately, but it's not going to stop me being told the opposite.
I mean, damn. I can't even talk to my parents about things in confidence. I can confide in my siblings and my best friends, but the people who live closest to me and have helped me out the most in this half of the year? It's little wonder I feel pressured to even say hi to them.
That night on Thanksgiving was a small battle that I helped to decide. (I got what I wanted, but it was the enabler who won.) And I'm reminded of other small battles I've had since July that I've definitely won through my own effort. And yet, in the family dynamic, battles don't amount to much, do they? It's always long-term when it comes to blood. And seeing the few, precious victories I've earned only puts into stark contrast the massive campaign I've yet to wage. Can I continue to win some? Can I keep being right a few times out of the dozen?
Right now, I'm still as anxious as ever when it comes to conversation. They still suck, and I still suck at them. Having tasks at work is all well and good because there are short-term goals to be met. Small battles to win, and battles that we do win, day after day. Maybe I can use some of that to pick apart some of these longer wars. Help to find a winner in those. Maybe.
To be continued after I gather my thoughts.
