Paul's Thursday Reviews XCV · 10:23pm Nov 30th, 2017
Whelp, I've got ~2,000 words to go before hitting 50k for November. It's no NaNoWriMo because those aren't all for one story, but I'll hit the wordcount and that's good enough for me. When I saw it was achievable this past week I basically told myself "screw it, let's make it happen." Which is good. It's reminded me that when I decide I want to get something done, I can. And honestly, I don't think 50k is all that demanding of my time. I just had to make myself avoid certain distractions a bit more. And force myself to write on that infernal laptop I hate using whenever I visit my parents.
Once I've got my wordcount in for the month, it's time to take the next major step: brainstorming my coming original fiction Fortune. With that in mind, I'm considering making a visit to a local landmark for research purposes. More important in the short term, I need to decide the scope of this story. I don't want my ambition to get the best of me, as it has on so many past occasions.
Meanwhile, my Celestia-centric story Songbird is only two chapters away from having a completed rough draft. I'm thinking that once it is done I'll spend a week or so just reviewing it and trying to straighten out the prose a bit, especially in the early chapters. With any luck we'll be seeing it released late January or early February, assuming my editors can get through it with any level of speed (an unlikely scenario).
Aaand... that's all I've got for now. Let's get to some reviews!
Stories for This Week:
One In A Million by ocalhoun
Since When Were You So Playful? by Jondor
Featherfall by SapphireStarlightPony
Going there is a Canternot by Jonah Smith
Social Lubricant by horizon
Eljunbyro by Imploding Colon
Total Word Count: 322,147
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 4
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 0
None: 1
One In A Million
53,741 Words
By ocalhoun
During a flight training exercise with Rainbow Dash, Scootaloo discovers her special talent! Except it’s not what anypony expected. Scootaloo is the first pegasus in centuries capable of using unicorn magic, and only the second in recorded history. Unfortunately, Princess Twilight and the gang have to go on a diplomatic mission and can’t take time to study the phenomenon. Their solution? Send Scootaloo to Magic Kindergarten in Canterlot.
This unexpected story is a must read for anyone with an appreciation of Best Filly. Which should be everyone, because come on, what sane individual doesn’t know Scootaloo is Best Filly? It does take some curious leaps of headcanon though, including Cheerilee being her adopted mother and Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns doing away with mandatory entrance exams. I always thought the entrance exams were for a class above Magic Kindergarten, but meh, I could be wrong. Also, it's apparently more like 'Magic Camp', in that it only lasts one week.
The story ends up being a scathing criticism of racial injustice and segregation, focusing entirely on Scootaloo’s struggle against both students and faculty who hate the very thought of a pegasus entering Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. From a roommate determined to treat her like a slave to a headmaster fully intending to have her fail no matter what, the weight on her shoulders is pretty heavy. That said, I find the faculty’s blatant lack of curiosity disturbing, perhaps to the point of being unrealistic. I mean, a pegasus, casting spells like a unicorn. Where’s the fascination with trying to understand how this works? I imagine anyone with even a remote academic background would love to get a chance to study Scoots.
But I suppose that’s just a bit of naïvety coming out of me. After all, college campuses today are anything but fair, so why should I expect better of their lessers?
Regardless of the believability of Scootaloo’s situation, it all comes together to make her triumph all the more satisfying, and that of her few friends too. If it seems like too much, just bear with the pain: it’ll be worth it in the end.
I consider myself thoroughly pleased. My only serious regret is that we never got to explore the hows and whys of Scootaloo’s unique talent. Oh well, perhaps the sequel will do something about that (stares at ocalhoun). The story is interesting and at times frustrating, and I happily recommend it for both.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Since When Were You So Playful?
3,684 Words
By Jondor
I was anticipating a half-serious and potentially silly discussion of Celestia’s manner post Season 3. Instead, Since When Were You So Playful? ended up a warmhearted opportunity for a former student’s confession and Celestia’s conciliatory reaction. In other words, it’s just another TwiLestia ship, no more, no less.
That’s not to say the story is bad. On the contrary, it’s at times fun, a little bit naughty, and pleasantly paced. It’s even got a great Twinerd moment, which are always entertaining.
But the concept is just too common, and this story doesn’t add anything to the premise. For the shippers out there, especially the TwiLestia shippers, this will be a treat just for being a competently written addition to the existing collection. The rest of you may enjoy it for the comedy at Twilight’s expense and the RariDash scene at the end. Heck, even the non-shippers may enjoy it, seeing as it’s a decent one-shot on the whole.
But for my rating purposes, this gets the middle ground. It just doesn't offer enough to make it stand above the crowd.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Featherfall
20,794 Words
By SapphireStarlightPony
Recommended by paul
Featherfall is a peculiar pony. Born into Canterlot nobility, she is the only pegasus in her haughty unicorn family. What makes this even more strange is that she can still use unicorn-style magic, although she has to sacrifice a primary feather with every spell. Featherfall’s unique abilities and traits have landed her a detective position in the Magical Crimes Unit of Canterlot’s police force, and her latest case is hitting some familiar territory.
This story is curious in a number of ways. For starters, the description makes you think this is going to be a murder mystery. Which it isn’t. If it was a murder mystery, we’d spend most of the story, y’know, trying to solve the case and throwing the readers through whodunit hoops. Instead, the murder mystery is merely the backdrop allowing us to learn about Featherfall’s unfortunate and complicated life.
Is this a good idea? I suppose that depends upon your perspective. If you came here looking for mystery and intrigue and constantly shifting theories, this might not be for you. If you’re after something a little different and more character driven, then you may consider this a treat. For myself, I found it an interesting redirection. I was miffed at first, perhaps even put off, but curious enough to see where it was going.
And where it was going was into the darkest aspect of… well, I won’t spoil that. But I will say that me and SapphireStarlightPony share headcanons in one regard, and seeing that headcanon come to fruition gave me the creeps.
One negative way the story is weird is in its flashbacks wait are we doing a flashback no we’re not oh but this one is! A large chunk of the story is told in flashbacks, except that these flashbacks come with minimal transition and zero formatting evidence. This is also true for scene shifts. The words just keep on going and I had to stop and think “Wait, how did we get here and why is Featherfall suddenly younger?” This was horribly implemented every time. The flashbacks themselves are fine, but the manner of going to and from them is terrible by virtue of being nonexistent.
Despite this setback and the unexpected direction of the story, I can safely say I am satisfied. Featherfall is well paced, deeply character driven, subtly decorated with unimposing worldbuilding, and stays strong from beginning to end. It was certainly worth the unsteady start.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Going there is a Canternot
3,532 Words
By Jonah Smith
Requested by Jonah Smith
Y’know, people who make a review request are taking a potentially big risk. Everyone hopes for a great review, but there’s also the chance of a painfully bad one. In the latter instance, it’s not easy for the reviewer, either. It’s one thing for me to pick a story and cast my judgement unsolicited, it’s another when someone asks to be the target of a potential letdown. I don’t mind giving negative reviews – sometimes they’re even fun – but not in cases like this.
The premise of Going there is a Canternot is simple: Canterlot is the shittiest hellhole in Equestria, and it’s left Twilight physically and mentally scarred. In her first encounter with Rarity, she proceeds to slam the door on the fashionista’s dreams with the truth of her beloved city.
The first issue is that Jonah’s Smith’s ‘what if?’ situation, painted as being new and odd, is little more than an echo of the kind of Canterlot society that roughly ⅘ of all authors ascribe to the city. That is to say, Canterlot unicorns are corrupt, snobby, selfish elitists ready to bring horrible humiliation and pain upon anyone who dares to get in the way of their ambition and the status quo. Heard it before? Yes, yes I have. Hundreds of times, almost certainly without exaggeration.
On top of the unoriginal premise, there’s the writing. The grammar is, to put it simply, atrocious. I’d go so far as to call it nonexistent. Quotations opening and closing at random, commas thrown across the screen with no rhyme or reason, sentences merged into nonsensical and verbose wrecks, mysterious use of capitalization, and so on. There’s not much point in trying to criticize the plot: no matter how good the plot is, the story will fail so long as the grammar is like this. Nobody would read past the first paragraph.
The good news? I’ve read at least one story by this author that was created after this story, and in that one the grammar enjoyed a huge jump in quality. So I know Jonah Smith has already taken the necessary steps to fix the problem, at least going forward. In the meantime, I’ve got another, even more recent story by this author to read soon. I suppose it is there that I shall see just how far the author improved in a mere couple months.
For what it’s worth, this author made a huge grammatical jump in just one month. Perhaps I’ll see something similar in story #3.
Bookshelf: None
Social Lubricant
16,900 Words
By horizon
The Mane 6 have gotten together for a sleepover, and this time lots of alcohol is involved. So when Rainbow decides to ask “Who would you f*** to save Equestria?”, her friends do the unexpected: answer. What follows is a night mixing high emotions, raucousness, a bit of violence, and more than a few tear-filled confessions.
I loved every minute of it.
This story is a lot of fun. It’s also a bit naughty, so the pure-minded and underage need not apply. Some of the revelations are a bit crazy and might call for as many spit-takes as are actually in the story, and some may question the abundance of real-world swearing. Topics range from the aftermath of Gilda ‘leaving’ Rainbow, the serious consideration of who Pinkie Pie wouldn’t screw, the nature of Twilight’s interest in the Princess, Rarity’s tendency for hate-sex, and Fluttershy’s capacity for sexual salvation. The fact that Applejack somehow maintained her sobriety and sanity the entire time is just icing on the cake.
This is a wild rollercoaster of a story. Some of you may find your proverbial childhoods threatened. Some of you might find the whole thing distasteful. Me? I relaxed, took in the zaniness and unexpected revelations, and never stopped smiling.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Eljunbyro
223,505 Words
By Imploding Colon
Sequel to Austraeoh
Austraeoh, the first in this author’s presumably endless epic, followed Rainbow Dash, lone survivor of the Mane 6, on a journey East. The story ended with her presumed defeat and death at the claws of the dragon queen Axan. In Eljunbyro, however, we learn that she was instead deposited by a dragon on the western outskirts of an empire called Ledomare. Unconscious for months, she is currently being researched to understand the chaos magic within her and her potential for use as a living weapon.
Enter Bellesmith, the scientist who has been assigned to ‘sequence’ with Rainbow. Under a long, complicated and dangerous procedure, she is required to mentally sync with Rainbow’s unconscious form to learn about her past and whatever secrets she can. Unfortunately for Belle and her beloved, the military enforcers running this program have high expectations and a heartless method of encouragement...
Aside from generally picking up where Austraeoh left off, Eljunbyro at last sheds light on Rainbow’s reason for traveling East, what happened in Ponyville, and the current state of affairs in Equestria. The entire story ends up as a tour-de-force adventure, complete with anime-style ridiculous fight scenes, high stakes and a near-constant stream of cliffhangers to keep you reading. Interestingly, the story may be able to stand on its own without anyone reading Austraeoh by virtue of how it is giving us all the background information the prior one lacked. Along the way, we get a new (if blatantly OP) villain that readers will love to hate, and Rainbow finally gets some new friends and a reason to continue her epic journey.
In the end, I really only have one question: why is Rainbow flying east? Yes, her reason is stated, but only in the general sense of having an end goal. But it’s stated, clearly, that the same goal could be achieved by flying north or south and in far less time. I’ll grant that this is a Rainbow who likes to do everything in the most extreme manner imaginable, but this seems a bit much even for her.
...then again, this is the same mare who decided to go one-on-1,000 against a massive aerial battlefleet. The fact that she’s badass enough to do it and succeed is par for the course.
That might be a catch for some of you. When I mentioned anime-style fights, I meant it. This is a world where the heroes can take a lethal shot to the head, smile, wipe off the blood and proceed to kick the shooter’s butt. In all seriousness, there is nothing serious about these fights. By the end of the story, it starts to seem like Rainbow can survive anything. If you’re alright with this vastly overblown and unrealistic interpretation, then sit back and enjoy the awesomeness. The rest of you? Eeehhh...
Oh, and Imploding Colon is still in love with the nonsensical onomatopoeia. I guess you just gotta learn to roll with it.
All of this comes with the caveat that the story isn’t even close to over. Indeed, when Eljunbyro ends, it’s at a bleak and massive cliffhanger that demands you proceed to the next story. I for one will be doing so, but I can see people being disappointed. “Wait, it ends here?” Yes, yes it does.
Overall, Eljunbyro continues the fun, the high stakes and the endless adventure of its predecessor, while adding some more concrete worldbuilding to the mix. I for one enjoyed it, and look forward to the next leg of Rainbow’s endless journey.
Because I have a strong suspicion it is endless.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
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I'd say that qualifies... and if it doesn't, I've been doing it wrong for years. Play NaNo as a rebel! As long as it's 50K of narrative, you're good!
Congratulations in advance on the NaNo success!
And thank you for a review I couldn’t be happier with! (Not even if the rating was higher. I think it’s more legitimately second-tier, honestly; it requires a certain amount of buy-in going in and makes some big additional asks along the way, so it’s not going to work for everyone in a way that a top rating would require. Your enjoyment is delight enough.)