Three Centimeters? It's A Rule We Can Overlook · 3:20am Nov 22nd, 2017
So, this blog will be like your mother in bed -- quick and dirty. 'Cause it's 4am and I need to go to bed, but I want to do it already so I can sleep without regrets.
So like your mother again, I guess. We always end up there, what can I say.
First things first -- I have 2,000 followers now! Woo!
Well, actually, I have a bit more than that, because I couldn't quite post a blog when the milestone was reached. A lot of stuff has happened, y'see, and that kept me away from my keyboard -- but that's for another blog. But in the meantime, Novel Idea interviewed me over at EQD on the subject of comedy. So, if you want to hear my opinions on that, click that link.
Now, on to the subject of the blog... Did you know I used to draw?
It was never anything big, really. Like most kids in my hometown, I grew up watching cartoons, and anime. A lot of anime. Sailor Moon was my gateway to the world of animation -- and I guess that explains a couple facets of my personality, like my penchant for miniskirts and how I scream out planet names whenever I orgasm.
This means that I also tried to draw cartoons in general -- and anime and manga in particular, because I had little to no shame as a kid. I was actually passable at it; while I never truly pursued that hobby, and while I was never as good as my sister, I was "the art kid" in my class for many years. I've even posted a couple drawings in Fimfic. Go and try to find them if you're extremely fucking bored, I guess.
So.
Some of my friends -- Archonix, Multiversecruise, Magello, Scratchkat -- are actual artists with actual talent. But those friends are all in the MLP fandom; among my DnD group, there's little to no artistic talent. Which is a shame, because the DM forces us to draw our own character portraits, and that can be hard for the most aesthetically challenged.
Then one of those DnD friends looked over my shoulder, and saw that I had doodled my pathetic Swashbuckler [1] on a piece of paper. Here's what the fella looked like:
[1] His name is Alonso Espada Médici di Slashio, and his official biography
(obviously written by me) immediately established me as the absolute bottom of the totem pole in the group. Which, when talking about a fucking DnD group that plays over Discord, is like saying I'm the worst rotten apple in the cemetery.
And my friend went "Huh. That actually doesn't look as bad as something made by you oughta be."
So said friend -- Lucky Roll, is his name -- asked me if I could draw his character portrait too, now that we were at it. And I said, sure, man, but I'm not like, an artist. Don't expect anything spectacular.
And he said dude, how hard can it be.
He'd come to regret this decision.
Thing is -- I needed a description to draw his character, because at this point we hadn't played a single game yet, and I had no fucking idea what this dude wanted. And all he told me was this: his character was a vampire girl. Semi-vampire girl, actually. I think he used the word "girl", too, which to me implies youth. Otherwise, you use "woman".
So I drew this in a couple minutes:
And Lucky Roll said uuuuuh...
Turns out, he explained, that -- well, that wasn't a BAD drawing, but she kinda looked like a schoolgirl. And his character wasn't a schoolgirl.
His character was a fucking barbarian.
So I said don't worry, man. I've got your back. I know what to do here. I'm the man you need. I know EXACTLY what you want.
I don't draw his character portraits anymore.
I mean, shit. His loss.
More EDUCATIVE and ILLUSTRATIVE blogs later on, I suppose. Because while I never saw anybody jacking off two dogs at the same time, I am seemingly unable to live a normal fucking life.
See ya later, folks. And thanks for the 2k followers. Here's for another five years full of wonder.
Get some rest, thou who referenced Lucky Star. ;)
How the hell did that biography put you at the bottom of any totem pole? Maybe it’s just my brand of humor, but I thought it was fucking hilarious.
A++
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Well, considering it's a character for a DnD game, and the main traits of this character are apparently ‘dumb as a brick’ and ‘weak as a twig’, I can understand how other members of the party might be a little miffed.
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But he’s so fast. He’s like Sanic the stabber guy. And he’s the perfect guy to sacrifice to save yourself.
i.imgur.com/8L4o1LA.gif
You're actually the least horrid of my mother's boyfriends, if you really must know.
That Slashio bio was downright fantastic - and I can only imagine how insane any D&D game that involves you would end up being
Hey, i know you and mom have been doing it a lot these past weeks and... i just wanted to know... can i call you daddy?
I love your drawings.
That background was amazing, and if your DM doesn't use the blue-eyed dwarf as a recurring villain then he is wasting potential.
Edit: not that anybody else has ever to see him.
So... high dex, solid int and maybe wisdom but low everything else?
Fine, maybe average endurance.
It's true what they say, all men secretly want to marry their mother.
So thou hast done that which thou canst not undo?
PS: Forgot to mention, nice drawings.
I like the hunchback barbarian vampire school girl.
Very anime.
DM says "you're gonna die, roll a D6"
Roll a D6
Roll a D6
Nananana
DM says "you're gonna die, roll a D6"
I admit, when I first looked di Slashio's portrait, I thought he was some sort of long-suffering anteater man, and that his chin cleft was his mouth. Still, anyone that elongated is clearly the scion of carefully bred nobility and/or carelessly bred potato farmers.
I would've definitely stuck with the cute dhampir schoolgirl-barbarian, but I'm a sucker for bizarre concepts character concepts. (This is coming from someone who created the barbarian Nounverb Thingdoer, Gnome of Action! And yes, "Gnome of Action!" was part of his legal name.)
As for the backstory, it is a thing of wonder and beauty. I too hope your DM makes use of the blue-eyed dwarf at some juncture.
There is nothing wrong with either of those images. :V Your 'friend' doesn't know what he's missing.
I used to draw, too. Took it up in college, at the same time I was getting into the furry fandom. No points for guessing what I drew. I gave it up after a few years because nothing ever came out looking the way I saw it in my head.
That bio and those pics hold up and are still funny. Bravo.
This is brilliant and I wish you drew more often. If only to see what horrible monsters you could depict as schoolgirls (or vice versa).
So anime
Nice art. Brilliant biography. What's the rule about 3cm?
I see that picture and all I can think of is "...THREEPWOOD!"
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I'll go out on a limb and assume it's a rounded up pun on the 'rule of thumb.'
That barbarian is amazing I wish I could draw that we’ll.
Now unfortunately I cannot proclaim to have read your character’s biography because I completely broke down and lost the ability to cease laughing at ‘given fart’. I swear I’m not immature.
I'm the DM mentioned in this post, also known as Dan.
I didn't make you draw shit you ass. I just needed any character portrait to work as your token in game. That was your choice you ass. Also fun fact, Slashio is physically the weakest in the party with Str core of 7, his weight is so optimised if he wears a nice hat he would be overburdened. That doesn't stop him from being the strongest melee combatant in the party somehow.
oh my god i remember this
beautiful