) I feel I ought to disclose this · 5:56pm Nov 20th, 2017
I honestly don't remember if I've talked about this before, in a previous blog, but just in case I haven't, I felt that I ought to disclose the fact that I am still struggling with a feeling of inadequacy when it comes to writing.
The more I learn, the less I feel I know. With anything. This has never been truer than when it comes to writing. Several people, more than a dozen that I talk to on a daily basis, insist that I have made significant improvements in my storytelling over this past year, even with the few updates that I have made. I still apologize for that, by the way.
I suppose where I'm trying to get at is as follows. I need to find some way to break through this sense of hopelessness that I find keeping putting me down. As a result of my being hard on myself, I have unwittingly placed myself into a position where I am suffering from anxiety attacks.
And every time I have criticism now, whether it is good or bad, it seems to trigger me. People suggested that I stopped publishing works on here to avoid it, but I don't think that's going to solve anything at all, for the one critic I could never escape from is myself.
I think I've tried everything save going to a therapist and getting medication by this point. I was going to go to one soon anyway for other reasons, as soon as one of my debts was settled, but I can't help but feel that I shouldn't wait any longer for it. Especially if the stress and anxiety, as I suspect, is the true culprit behind my health problems as of late.
Because I am poor, however, going to therapy will make my already super tight budget even tighter. In fact, because I don't have insurance, I quite possibly can't afford to go to it at all. I have to hope I can rely on my family for this, it would seem.
I would like to rely on you guys, as well, to continue encouraging me to, among other things, write. To continue carrying out my goals despite my constantly berating myself for these ill-gotten perceptions of ineptitude. At this point, no one will be able to convince me I'm not a deplorable writer (several have tried and failed, and this includes linking me to one of Bad Horse's new blogs concerning strengths and weaknesses of a writer), but at least it will make me feel less alone in this ridiculous struggle I've found myself in.
Of course, you don't have to do anything. I will still work hard to make my next story as good as I can possibly make it, regardless of what happens. I just felt I ought to disclose my inner struggles if I hadn't already.
*hugs*
I offer you hugs. I also say you're a damned good writer. i know you won't believe me, but I still say it.
Writing can be incredibly painful. There are some writers who feel that have to write every other day, or even daily, for fear of going nuts. Just write, write, write. More words. Then there's folks like us, where we think about wanting to write, but the act can be so...
You know, painful, as I said. It hurts. Not physically, but somewhere deep down where no one who isn't you can see it.
I sympathize with your problem.