Late AF, but I suppose I should get this off my chest - A Reflection on The Other Side of the Spectrum · 6:59pm Oct 12th, 2017
So it's been almost half a year since the split between the writing team behind The Conversion Bureau: The Other Side of the Spectrum. The two sides have had little beyond apathy at best and outright acrimony at worst towards one another, but in general, they have done their best to move on.
I myself have tried to remain neutral, partly out of the fact that I didn't have much to lose, and partly because one of the central figures behind the split, the head writer, Redskin122004, didn't target me and I did genuinely feel sympathy for him, as Spectrum was very much a passion project for him that ultimately slipped out of his hands. I still kept correspondence with him and tried to be supportive through those turbulent times.
Key word here is tried.
But, as anyone who's read his latest blog post at this time would see, that's no longer the case, as Red and I have had a falling out. The details of which I'm not going to elaborate on here, and he hasn't either from what I can tell. He's said he's moved on in our last conversation, but given his recent behaviors, well... actions seem to speak louder than words.
I'd be lying if I said I was saddened. Honestly, I'm not; in fact, the friendship itself had been bumming me out for a long while.
I'd also be lying if I said I was shocked this happened. Honestly, I think it was kind of a long time coming.
Now, before I expand on my thoughts on what has happened, I will admit my own perspective is probably biased (then again, so was Red's). However, such as is life, there are three sides to every story - Person A's side, Person B's side, and the truth. Add upon that there were a lot of people involved, and it can be a mess, and my other co-writers Jed, Vox and Doctor Fluffy have all given their take on what's gone on. But I nevertheless feel the need to unload, as keeping it in isn't healthy for anyone.
When it came to the story itself, it's hard not to see in hindsight that there were more than a few flaws here and there. From the depictions of certain characters (lionizing Discord, portraying Prime-Celestia as an emotionally short-fused mess, and to say nothing on the endless debates over Chrysalis, which I'll get to later) to the moral dissonance (allowing the "heroes" to cross any line possible to defeat the antagonists), as well as playing fast and loose with the canon in general. However, I still loved it for its positives as well, from the ability to world-build, to the spirit of fun it had, its grand atmosphere, and the story of humanity and ponykind coming together to overcome great odds, as well as generally being a nice fat middle finger to the rage-inducing stupidity of Chatoyance's "stories".
As a team, we worked hard to ensure Spectrum and its various side stories lived up to the potential they contained. And admittedly, we didn't always do the best job at it, especially where the main story's last few chapters are concerned (especially the pacing). Red likes to go on about how the story wasn't getting back to "the fun parts", never mind that for him, "fun" was stomping on anything not with the heroes left and right (note: Jed mentioned that Red planned for a side plot where Marcus and co. go to Starlight Glimmer's village, with Starlight getting her plot handed to her; when Vox asked what significance this was supposed to have for the story as a whole, Red told Vox not to "spoil [his] fun"). When it came to Chrysalis, the split came down to the fact that Red wanted to portray her more sympathetically due to some ordeal she went through and hated that Vox and Sledge wrote her fairly close to the cackling villainess that she is, never mind one can be a card-carrying villain and still have sympathetic traits; and to say nothing of brushing canon under the rug to "Draco In Leather Pants"-ify her. Vox and Sledge, for their own part, admitted that they might have overstepped, yet to make a villain who is basically a g-rated succubus into an innocent beleaguered woobie who was wronged by Celestia, who committed the awful crime of wanting to protect her ponies? No. Just. No.
And speaking of Celestia, let's talk a minute about both versions of her. Now, if you had read Red's (before it was deleted) and Vox's posts on the matter, you'd know what Red had in store for TCB-Celly, that she was going to be eaten up by Tirek's Bag and used as fuel to create a new body for Tirek himself, bringing on the Big Final One-Winged-Angel-Styled Boss Fight with no more to be said on the matter. Now, like Vox, I wasn't opposed to the idea myself - my work on TheIdiot's side story Shades of the Unsung, particularly on its fourth chapter, will show that I, the so-called "Heart" of the group, am not scared to go to some dark places in my writing either. But, as Jed and Vox pointed out in their own reflections on the matter, Red treated this not so much as a terrible event so much as it was just a jumping point for said Big Final Boss Fight, all the while finding the idea that anyone would want to rescue or even sympathize with TCB-Celestia (who, as it should be reiterated again, has been brainwashed by Tirek and hasn't been in control of her own actions, making her just as much a victim as the humans and other ponies) to be stupid, laughable and a waste of time.
What kind of callousness is this? Seriously?
And with regards to Prime-Celestia (the good one, not brainwashed one)... well, simply put, there's a reason why her characterization was one of the first things we agreed absolutely needed an overhaul in the reboot. Aside from the aforementioned characterization of her as a near-hysterical and temperamental mess, she gets shit on by everyone for committing the OH SO TERRIBLE crime of... protecting her ponies and keeping wars from happening. Because apparently war is cool and builds character I guess? Because apparently the ponies' civilization is stagnant, even though there are plenty of "modern" looking things from the schizo-tech nature of the series? I don't even know anymore.
Now, yes, creative disagreements are all too inevitable when the work is a collaborative group effort. But Red has been, as TV Tropes would call it, a Prima Donna Director of the highest order. He had been reasonable once upon a time, but when the time came for something that went a hair against his plans (like Chrysalis), he would, as Jed put it, sulk, throw tantrums, ragequit from the Facebook Group Chat at least a dozen times, and wouldn't engage in any meaningful discussion with anyone. All the while, I had the misfortune of being the person he'd rant to about how incensed he was at these disagreements, attempting to play me against the other writers and trying to get me and Fluffy to kick the others off to "take back control" of the story when neither of us wanted any part in that.
However, it wasn't just stuff on the story either; outside in our personal lives, Red's attitude and abrasive traits were becoming especially pronounced and difficult, if not downright impossible, to deal with. Nowhere was this more obvious than with the presidential elections last year, where his attitude was especially utterly downright fucking INTOLERABLE. Red himself went on to say that it was a stupid election, and yes it was, but his constant dismissal of our concerns for what Trump's presidency would entail was especially difficult to excuse. As hard as it is to believe, I do have friends with different political/social views from myself, and I've happily engaged in thoughtful and respectful discussions with them. But Red had been consistently dismissive and downright rude whenever the subject ever came up. I don't want to elaborate too much on this, but I will say that aside from the fact that we didn't feel like dealing with putting real world politics into the story, there's a good reason why Trump is nowhere near the White House in the Spectrumverse.
This cycle went on for nearly the whole of 2016 up until the May 2017 split. For example, one time, the rest of the group was opposed to the addition of a new side story from an author that didn't gel with the rest of the group (that's putting it very mildly), Red got pissed and treated me and Doctor Fluffy like we were terrible for not giving the new writer a chance (even though we did and tried to be nice to him). Red threatened to quit several times over the past year over slight disagreements, insulted the others for disagreeing with his vision, and generally, there was a feeling of walking on landmines (not eggshells, landmines) around him. It was sapping our joy for writing the story, and his, but we held our tongues, because we all still considered him a friend and we did have good memories from the past that we wanted to hold on to and maybe recapture. And I especially tried desperately to keep the peace, even though it was bad on my own emotional health (not helped by how, at the time of the split, I was also going through a period of intense soul searching and a deep sense of dissatisfaction with certain aspects of my life, but here's not the time or place to go into that; I have since gained some better perspective, have recovered from this and am actively working on it).
Keeping it bottled up just resulted in the explosion, as is evident.
As for me... well, quite frankly, I've just gotten sick of letting Red's attitude slide (and probably inadvertently enabling it). I'm sick of spending my time and energy on someone who consistently refuses to see his own fault in the mess when the others have admitted their own faults (and he still refuses to see any faults in himself for that matter). And I'm especially sick of making excuses to my boyfriend why I still associated myself with someone who has frequently aggravated and been a drain on me emotionally (he's especially wondered why I still kept up correspondence with Red when the others cut off ties with him).
For all of his issues though, I really don't wish ill on Red, and for all the stuff I've detailed here, I really do have my good memories of the time when he was my friend, and I really do cherish them. Maybe I'm too nice for my own good, but for everything that's happened I still really do sympathize with him. Anyone with even some perceptiveness can see clearly that he has some serious problems in regards to his state of being. I don't know if he's got some untreated PTSD due to his military experiences or from whatever other bad events that went on in his life (though I wouldn't at all be shocked if that is the case). I really genuinely hope, for his own sake, that he gets some kind of help for this. Although, given his past behavior and personality, I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't look for it.
Unlike the others, who want nothing more to do with Red, my door is always open for a possible reconciliation, but that won't be happening without Red doing some serious work on himself. He had been, to put it bluntly, downright nasty and cruel at times, and he would hang our friendship over my head, acting like I somehow owed him something when in reality that is not how friendship works. I never owed him a second of my time; I reached out to him with the desire to help on the story because I cared about its integrity and wanted it to fulfill its potential above all else. Like Jed and Vox stated in their own reflections on the matter, I wouldn't have stuck with the Spectrumverse for so long if it didn't have its rewards, and writing with the team, exchanging ideas and interacting with them was/is some of the most fun I've had in a long time. But it's clear that in our last personal conversations, as well as his last blog entry, it seems like Red has gone beyond burning the bridge and just straight up blowing it to smithereens.
As for the story itself, well, I know that the third chapter is taking a bit. We're all busy people with lives, jobs, families, etc to tend to. But we have a pretty clear plan of where to go and what to do, which I've found especially liberating considering how much was made on the fly with the original Spectrum story. As for my side story contributions, Asia and The Other Side of the Mirror, well, those are still being worked on with brainstorming. The former will indeed need some rewriting to accommodate the new canon, as well as to apply what I've learned over the last couple years writing wise, along with getting rid of a few things that I didn't like (one particular thing that was Red's idea). The latter has only had its first chapter published, so the main challenge will be to rework its future chapters to the new canon. It will be a challenge, but after all that has happened, I'm excited to get the ball rolling again and bringing the light back in again.
Sorry that I've been rambling disjointedly and near incoherently. This blog entry (and the others' entries) isn't even half the picture; one could practically make a novel out of all the shit that's gone down behind the scenes. But I feel like I've kept my silence on this for too long, and with the already tenuous friendship between me and Red finally dead and put out of its misery, I had to say my piece (peace?) on the matter. I really didn't want this to happen, any of it. I don't even think this has brought Red any satisfaction; at least then it might have made it worth it for him. But after over a year and a half of dealing with this, I'm just done being trapped in this rut. My mind and soul have been burdened for too long, and frankly, I know it would be better for me and everyone around me in the long run of it.
As Ellen DeGeneres would say, Be kind to one another.
I am sorry again to hear of the feud between you guys and red. The only thing I can say is to hold onto the memories of the good times and move on. The closest thing I can come close to relating to this in my life is that in my job I work with some heavily mentally disabled individuals who one moment can be kind and happy individuals and the next be raging assholes. However in my case you have to cut them a lot of slack seeing as they are mentally ill. On another note I agree that Donald Trump is a disaster and that comes from a guy whose entire family can best be described as “ultra conservative”.
4695827
Thanks man. I've seen how you've supported us during the beginning days of when the fallout occurred, and it's good to know that support is still there.
On another note, I definitely feel you on dealing with people who can have major personality changes at the drop of a hat due to mental illness; had to help a friend when his dad had that due to Alzheimer's and later died from it a while back. It was pretty hard on him, but he's slowly started recovering from his grief.
When I saw the journal Red posted earlier today, I suspected something like this would soon come by. Now that it's here, I couldn’t rightly tell you how I feel. Even though his attempted cyber-bullying – and in spite of his persistent denial, that's what it was; there’s no other word for when you toss racist slurs and demand that someone be “mobbed” – is something it'll take me a long time to forgive, I wanted to believe there was more left to him than that.
One hard truth which our upbeat pony show tends to gloss over is that you cannot be friends with everyone. But, although now I'd be lying if I stated it was easy or frictionless for me accept of your and other people's choice to maintain ties with Red after what he did, I was capable of understanding it in the abstract. Even hope this might help ease some of the bitterness on each side.
Of course, that calls to mind this piece of uncharacteristic optimism I delivered on your journal from June 2016;
Hindsight is twenty-twenty, huh? Had to jinx it, the one time I wasn’t a doomsayer. Well, at least the FN didn't get into power in 2017. Um, best of three?
As you list here, many of the elements that'd spell trouble for us further on were present from the start in Spectrum. Specifically, it boils down to Red's overwhelming recalcitrance to let either his characters or himself apologise for anything, even as he prompted me to apologise for an ill-thought comment I made on your story. And what can be said about this spiteful farewell in his journal? I'll quote verbatim in case he deletes it;
Honestly, I've never met someone who's as much of a "one rule for me, another rule for everyone else" person or an Internet Tough Guy as Redskin. He talks a big talk about hardship making people stronger, but he's unwilling to introduce any real sense of challenge into his storytelling. When called out or defied by someone he can't browbeat into submission, he plays the victim card. And this very show, of which he claims the innocence "blinded" him, is the show he saw fit to drop his abrasive mouthpieces into, so they could continuously withhold a kind word or deed from the heroes while deriding their naiveté.
If I come off like I'm hijacking this comments section to air my latent bits of grievance, I'm sorry about it, Kizuna. A question which I know hangs over us is why, if Red was like this, we didn't simply quit. The answer I can give, as my personal stance if nobody else's, would be that Red is one person – our group was, and is, many people. That does mean something to me.
Maybe some of the problem was that Red had simply got tired after writing in the same space for so long. Though we may look back today and highlight the flaws which were in his Spectrum from the start, my memories of him in the early days are nothing on the level of 2016.
Yet, I'd take this as a sign that 2016 brought out the worst in him. And he never did do enough to fix what was lurking underneath already.
It legitimately makes me feel sad, how he can't seem to see, that all of his losses can be traced back to the same source. "I would sit there and watch you die and I wouldn't do a damn thing to stop it"? Him all but saying these words about Celestia is where it all fell apart.
You have my hopes and wishes that you'll feel better soon. Thanks for speaking out.
P.S.
A novel, you say? I'd definitely read such a book if it became reality...
4695900
No worries, you aren't hijacking at all. If anything, i feel it adds a little more depth to this (as thorough as I believe I've made my entry).
Maybe I might have let my sympathies cloud my judgement. I think another hard truth that can get glossed over/to accept is that no matter how much you try to help/reach out to them, some people won't take it and ultimately you have to help yourself.
The worst part was that he did have some self-awareness about his abrasiveness, but anytime it seems that he could at least smooth it over, he just went nah (or one of his sycophants/enablers would tell him he was right and everyone else was wrong).
4695973
... I think I've had an epiphany.
There are so many things, many of which you brought back to light here tonight, that we may not have agreed with Redskin about, but we usually had a reasonable idea of where he was coming from. Favouring the military as an institution. The place of America in the world. And I'll be amongst the first to recognise that my take on Chrysalis was not worked in with the greatest finesse.
But we've always been left scratching our heads as to why he treated Celestia so badly.
It's easy to point to an answer like "because she's a female in authority", yet this feels too neat and simplistic. Female characters were allowed to wield some authority in his world, so long as they deferred to a male superior, or at the least, were a source of comfort to a male. Such as Cheerilee, the "Teacher". And what’s so hateful about a soothing figure like Celestia when you’re at war?
I was mulling that one over when I happened across this other passage from his journal again.
Another thing we were aware of about Red is that he likes to feel knowledgeable and in control, and isn’t keen to think that someone else may have more of a grasp than he does of a given situation. Yes, it’s no great leap from this to him derailing Celestia to make a point, but he could just as well have chosen her for his mouthpiece - down to her being unlike the Celestia we know as a side-effect.
Except he didn’t. Her legitimacy as a mentor was constantly undermined, ridiculed.
I haven’t had many kind things to say about Red in far too long, yet I’m still pushing myself to try and give him a fair shakes, although there’s a delicate line to walk between seeking to understand a person and trying to profile them. It's sometimes very difficult to me not to fall into the latter. I hope this isn't what I'm doing now.
All the more as the implications are staggering if I'm at all on the money.
Because if Red disdained Celestia as a teacher, it’d mean that while he may enjoy the pony show’s charms, his ego is so inflated, he can’t even bear the idea that a commercialised cartoon aimed at preteens might provide decent lessons which do not fully slot into his worldview.
4696107
Partly why he was especially harsh with Prime Aquamarine in that future Mirror scene.
"You'll always run into those who think they know better."
Takes on quite a new dimension now, don't it?
I actually did ask about this in one of our final chats. His answer was because she gave him some sort of "Dumbledore Syndrome".
Now, I'll admit, as I've gotten older, I can point out have plenty of things with the Harry Potter series that come off as majorly problematic to me, and plenty with Dumbledore as a character (mainly how he always stays the "wise old mentor on a pedestal" even for all his glaring mistakes, and how JKR always seemed to protect him from any serious moral evaluation of his character/methods). But this still frankly confuses me. Any idea on this?
4696128
"Dumbledore Syndrome". Yes, actually, I think I see what he means by that.
And while I like Celestia, the show does require that she be put out of action a couple times too often to secure her position. Nor was her behaviour towards Twilight during the Canterlot Wedding a well-written moment.
The thing is, the section of the fandom which goes the route of placing Celestia on a pedestal tend to present her as some grand chessmaster figure, and... frankly, she's not. Her most ambitious plans were to show faith that Twilight and her friends could sort out Nightmare Moon and Sombra.
But I believe this is the interpretation of Celestia which stuck in Red's mind as the one he reacted to. And based on how Discord got a jab at Weaver for failing in her plan to poison him, or the attitude Marcus showed towards Bowman and the Umbrella Man, I get the impression Red does not set much stock in plans, preferring the much-vaunted "man of action" type.
Red's Celestia in Spectrum is depicted as someone who needs everything to follow the plan. And when they don't, she falls to pieces, leaving it up to the "doers" to sort things out.
I have to reiterate, neither this nor the supposedly mollycoddling Celestia fit what I've seen of her character based on show-canon alone. As others have pointed out, Celestia's true flaw is that she's arguably too hands-off in her management.
Still, naked fact has revealed itself to rarely be a concern for Red. Especially a fact as major as the whole premise of the show residing in the Mane Six learning for themselves - contrary to what Red's Discord may expostulate, Celestia doesn't tell them anything, she waits for them to write her letters about what they've learnt today.
4696238
The fact that all three of the examples you point out - Celestia, The Umbrella Man and Bowman - are also known primarily for their intellect over their physical prowess might be a factor in his attitude. Red is, charitably, a man who seems to value action over words and thoughts.
4696536
And, to repeat in shortened from the realisation I hit upon after reading his "I'm fed up with people thinking they know better than me" comment;
Redskin is insecure about how others perceive his intellectual capacity, that much is plain. I remember how he'd get upset at me when I asked questions, like I was questioning his intellect. I wasn't until, ironically, his own fixation on the subject ended up drawing my attention to it.
But even after all of that, only now has it occurred to me. He's so insecure, he believes he's being talked down to by, and thus has to put in her place a bloody cartoon princess.
I feel horrible just for saying that anybody could reason like that, and yet we're so far gone, I wouldn't consider it beneath him at all.
4696536
4695900
Because I love you. And Kiz, and Jed, and TB3, and TheIdiot, and Royal, and The Void, and Sledge.
4696806
Now stop that, I've been watching Friendship is Magic for four years and I can't handle all this sentiment.
4696816
I REFUSE
i.imgur.com/llHmvzy.gif
But for reals though, a man should never be afraid to tell his friends that he loves them.
It's amazing how full of shit you all are.
Here you are, discussing like I am some fucking puzzle, and yet treating me like a simpleton.
I hate you all because you think you all are without fault. That I only became this way because I didn't like what you were doing and didn't say anything at all.
2016 is the year I had to hear all of you bitch about Trump or praise Hillary. At the same time, I had to deal with severe case of ass drag on the story. And every time I attempted to do anything, I was wrong. If I told you were wrong or we could change it, I was wrong. Don't say you didn't, I clearly remember me and Jed over there arguing about what to do for certain scenes.
Oh, and speaking of scenes. One in particular comes up. Shooting the pregnant woman. Unlike the rest of you cities, I had to learn to shoot kids and women who were not listening to commands, when they approach us on foot or refuse to comply with orders. In a perfect world, that would not be an issue. Our world isn't perfect. We loss people, good men and women, my brother and sisters in arms, thanks to tactics like this. So sorry to bring in some realism. Oh, and if someone came at me with a baseball bat, I'm pretty sure they are aiming to harm, I would shoot her too. Baby or no. Military and police are train to shoot at center mass to ensure a hit. A blow to the head can kill anyone.
Oh, and Celestia issue. Literally created her during the third or fourth season and went along with her character evolution because hey, sounds interesting and I didnt mind. I only thought her as hands/hooves off and thought her as all the Dumbledore stories that were similar. Jeez, you make it sound like I am some misogynistic prick or something.
Let's talk challenge. I had been challenged since I began inviting everyone into the story. Keeping track of who is doing who, what affects what, making sure nothing affect the timeline too badly while at the same time doing my best in making everyone was happy with the work. Clearly, that didn't apply to my desire for my own story. All that happen because I had to follow what was going on and making sure it was going in a way that didn't affect anyone else.
Do you take that into account? Taking into account 15 side stories of various authors? Some still being worked at the time? It's not fucking easy. Especially with all of you putting me down every time I tried to do something. I dealt with you all for 2 years, constantly belittling me and my attempts in writing. I haven't written a chapter since... shit, I want to say before the kidnapping but I am not sure.
I never once insulted your writing skills, just yourselves in general. Because I can never compare to you all if I speak the truth. Before Spectrum, I was in the army, on deployment, or broke and starving. I had come close to being homeless several times during those 5 years and I still try my best.
No... If anything I gave up too much time, money, and literally my soul into making the story work. But here you all are... mocking me. Mocking all my efforts. Degrading me and generally calling me a bad person because I lost my fucking mind.
You all are smarter than me, but that doesn't amount to much if all you do is lord over me and force me to concede all the damn time to your whims.
How can you sit there and pat yourselves on your back and think,"Red, I don't understand how he is such an asshole." When all you do complain about what I do, change my small pieces, ignore my pleas and walk all over me.
You blackmailed me for my own story...
You called me a villain Vox... Don't you think a villain would literally gut himself with literally no damage to yourself...
I deleted everything. There is no unpublish works in my account. I couldn't stand it anymore. How you all just sit there and make light of your bullying on myself in favor in jabbing my own weakness and my anger.
This is why I am furious with you all... Because all you do is put me down and don't think anything of it.
I saw you all as my friends and it ended in disaster because no one would try to reach out and give me a chance. I ain't you. I seen the world from the poor. I experience starvation and close calls of death. I can't see the world as bright and cheery like the rest of you.
And I am furious at you all because I am not like you... I cant stand this world because of all the crap I had to deal with.
Forget it.
4696974
“Remember this!
Remember, remember! Always remember that I am relevant! Remember, and let it remain, that I still hold relevance! It is my view, my pain, and my experiences that matter! It is my place in this cold, harsh world perceived by me that is important! You and your actions make my vengeance turn righteous and my vision RED!
It is your kind, of your perceived intelligence! That with all you claim to know, you know nothing about anything! When will you stop and admit your penance!? When will you concede and surrender yourself to my views!?
When I demand of you, WHEN!?”
To the man of a scarlet color, this one will give you an answer at the behest of a friend’s request.
We will not, for we do not have to concede or necessarily repent any further than we have already. This group of ours, the target of your ire, has done nothing more to you than you have not already done, or, have earned in return. You have erased this your presence on this site, not a story left or a journal. It was not any of us that directly told you to do so.
On this site, we have kept to ourselves beyond a reflection on experience and to clear a mind. Once that is done, it is no longer relevant or necessary to stew over what has happened - the present is ever moving forward, and the future has yet to come. Our effort, while focused elsewhere due to other lives lived, and lay is towards building something new and beautiful.
We have moved onwards and will continue in that direction towards the future.
And yet, as rare as it can be, whenever the past comes up it is mainly because of you. While there was sympathy from the horrid week you had so many months ago, that has since left because of the actions you later made. You demand our attention; you require to remain relevant to us and those on FIMFiction.
It could be seen as tragic, if not for all the mistakes and continued ruinous actions surrounding it.
All your cries, all your shouts, have gone unheard and without - the answer is simple. Only you, man of a scarlet color, remain there while practically everyone else has gone elsewhere.
While your influence may linger, this group itself and the story are evident enough; we are still working to achieve new things and new wonders. So, go on - keep shouting in the dark, keep calling out and demanding to be relevant, you just might get one person to say something back before moving on.
Because, at the end of the day, while we did not make the environment we live in (or come from) we did inherit it. It was given to us.
Oh, and before this one forgets, man of a scarlet color this one grew up in the northern county of California. The part with all the vineyards, and wineries. This one grew up in his family’s home, which once was a barn decades ago. This one grew up with a single mother that worked hard to raise two kids and further her education.
For what this one thinks, while dressed in blue and viewing the smoke, it is a wonder on how you claim we are full of it… while you’re leaking it out of that mouth of yours.
With sincerity,
The Tyrant Supreme of SPECTRUM,
TheIdiot.
4696974
Red. You laughed about Celestia's cruel fate.
The fact Celestia isn't a flesh-and-blood person is really but a small mercy. What this suggests about you is no less sinister for it. When I suggested that at least someone try saving her, all you could come up with was a glib comment on how nice it is for civilians "to see all life as precious". Because I'm a civilian, and all civilians are bleeding hearts, and that's the only reason anyone would want to save a good person who, through no fault of their own, has been possessed into committing atrocities.
You claim reasons were "made up" by others to feel unhappy with you? Name one falsehood in my journal. You had a go at me because I wrote in that Chrysalis brainwashed Lyra on the show, for goodness' sake.
But, although you may not believe me, I do still have it in me to feel sorrow when I hear that life has treated a person roughly, whoever they may be. Except you will find my sympathies diluted when, and this is leaving politics out of it entirely, your writing demeans those souls working to make things better even as you glamourise the petty, the brutal and the selfish.
And until you can accept that, your worst enemy is always going to be you.
4697040
Wow... this is all you got. A pretty poem and some rather talented weave of a short story about me.
I find it hard to believe out of everyone here, it's you that says the least amount to say to me.
No one wants to confront me other than the buffoon? Clearly you have no issue to do so when in the comfort of privacy but low and behold, out in the open it is naught but silence but the lone fool that speaks against me.
You all are cowards. You have no issues in speaking your mind but bar me from speaking in defense.
You speak as if you were you only wanting to help but lend nary an ear or a hand.
I dont have the smarts but I do have what it takes to say what is my mind. And that upsets you all.
So don't be silent. Come at me and show the rest of this site how you handle things. Cow me with shame. On my conduct. How I am so degraded you all with my viciousness.
4697045 This 'Buffon' you mock still was given SPECTRUM.
And if I were you, I would be careful on what you wish for.
You just might get it.
4697045
We are. We're being calm, collected, and civil while someone (that's you) acts like a jackass.
4697045
4696974
Hoo, boy. Where to fucking start on this. Irony abounds with this.
Way to misread the situation. You didn't become this way, you always were: you became this way because you didn't like disagreements, you didn't like your collaborators' ideas, and instead of dealing with them like a mature adult, you'd be a prick about it: the aforementioned rage-quitting, tantrums, insults, et al. That is the root cause of our problem with you.
Allow me to break out for you the world's smallest violin. Because it's almost like you're attempting to describe a collaboration there - but gosh, it wasn't a collaboration, we were just your employees, right? We had to do everything your way or the highway, right?
For the record, political disagreements are not in any way to do with the story.
Also for the record, just because you don't think Trump's that bad, doesn't mean that everyone else isn't allowed to worry.
Ok, first? Shooting the pregnant lady was my idea. I'm actually pretty chill with "heroes" doing abhorrent shit. I came up with Pale Moonlight, remember? What me - and the others, I suspect - are not cool with is the awesome speechifying of it, the "isn't my character so right for doing it!" stuff. Newsflash. You're not the only veteran in the world, yours is not the only viewpoint on it. I actually spoke to another Veteran I knew at the time that scene happened. He said, "yeah, they'd shoot the pregnant woman... and then get court martialled". Because that shit's illegal. That's a war crime. Yeah, they'd do it, but that doesn't make it "right".
You wrote Marcus Renee giving the HLF a "the reason you suck" speech literally standing over this woman's cooling corpse. That is people's fucking problem with you. You wrote a character who got rewarded for his shit, who threatened to "put [allies] in the ground" when he didn't like them, and you expected the narrative to always treat him like he was right. Seriously, Pale Moonlight was supposed to be a big "he does a bad thing" thing where the narrative acknowledged he did a bad thing, and you still tried to make him always right.
Gee, I wonder why when every powerful female authority figure has some male character shitting on their parade, or when you wrote the villain of MLP being right and Celestia being stupid, or when you literally don't care that Queen Celestia is a victim, or when you wrote the female cast of AOA in Convergence as a bunch of scared lambs, we could possibly think that.
Yeah, see, that's called "collaboration". You know, the thing we were doing. If you want people to fellate your ego and just correct your grammar, you didn't need 15 of us. You asked us. You literally invited me. You didn't invite us as beta readers - the thing you seemingly want - but as Co-Authors.
For the record, I've collaborated with almost everyone on the team just fine, and while I've disagreed about stuff, I've largely tried to keep it “professional”. Not always been 100% successful, but I’ve tried.
Yes, such a moral high ground you have there, just insulting us. Much moral. Such high. Much wow. Such doge.
Does my music skill count as "myself in general", bee-tee-dubs? Asking for a friend.
I cut a vein on my arm open with a shard of broken glass because of my life's stresses, including working on Spectrum, jobseekers, and a whole host of other mental issues I don't need to share. I still have a scar that rivals the scar on my hand from a fucking operation. You know why you didn't hear about that? Because "losing my fucking mind" didn't make me an asshole to my friends. You didn't become an asshole because you "lost your fucking mind". You were an asshole. I'm depressed and I don't go around insulting people, rage-quitting chats and generally being a douche. You did those things. That's not depression, or at least not just depression. That's being a dick.
It apparently amounts to not losing all your friends. Sorry, is that too mean? I'm past caring at this stage.
You took those actions, Red. We didn't make you. We just disagreed with you. Hell, Kizuna disagreed with you. That's not a reason. You cut your own nose off to spite your face and you look at us and go “you did this!” when we’re just standing here for the most part wondering why the fuck you keep doing this shit to yourself and blaming us.
You know what I think? I think instead of trying to self-reflect, you we're a prick. Instead of reaching out, you gave us all the finger. Instead of trying to grow and learn, you keep making the same mistake.
See, I reckon I know what I did wrong. I misunderstood what you wanted or needed. I tried to add things that - in retrospect - didn't work in your vision of the world, and since this was your passion project, I think that hurt you. I can get behind that, understand it. If I had the time again, I probably... actually I wouldn't bother writing anything after King's Speech if I wrote anything at all. Because you clearly wanted betas, not collaborators.
The result? Well, it would have probably been more your story - you'd have deleted eight chapters and a third of the story's mass, wasting over a year of everyone's time, and then no one would have written with you because they all signed on to be collaborators, not betas or employees, but you'd have got to do what you wanted.
The minute you invite collaborators, they come with ideas. Ideas they share, grow, cultivate. They come with new angles and contexts. They come with new perspectives.
And it's not just the story. Take the Trump thing - you had no patience for different ideas. You had no empathy for people's worries. You... frankly, you don't respect people that are different from you. You never have. You don't respect their ideas, their work, their perspectives, or their difference from you. You certainly never seemed to respect me. You insult our perspective - but that perspective is a valuable one.
You looked at what Spectrum became and saw - I dunno, a story spinning out of control. We came and we all saw potential untapped, and you made us think we could tap it, only to shoot us down and make us feel bad when we tried, but only after we'd explored it enough to make it necessary to continue.
Sorry, quick point - we were your friends. Outside of story shit, I know I tried my damndest, and I know the others did, to be your friend. You were an asshole. Sometimes you seemed to be ok, but you know, sometimes you were just a complete dick, to me and to the others. And you never tried to be anything else. You lacked empathy or even the appearance of empathy. You expected everyone to shrug off you being a prick. You've NEVER apologised to me for at least two distinct instances of you being a prick to me (the first your messaging me at one in the morning just to bear witness to you doing a mean-spirited, poorly written character assassination just because I tried writing a character with moral points who disagreed with your PHL about the morality of killing children, and the second being your open mockery of me on the Convergence chat).
You might say "oh you never told me this stuff" - yeah, because you don't engender an attitude of trust or respect. You look down on people for being different to you. You're a prick to people for disagreeing with you.
And you know what? You never treated me like a friend. You talked about random shit in your family life occasionally when you were bored, but you tried to throw me under the bus just like you tried to throw Vox and Sledge. You claimed to respect my work whilst at the same time insulting my work and deriding my characters every chance you got. I never felt like you thought anything but shit of me.
Which actually hurt, because I was so happy when you first invited me. I did respect you. It was like a real "you made it" moment when you saw my story and commented. And every time you put me down, shat on my characters, shat on my story... that hurt me, a lot more deeply than you know or care.
Sorry, but this is fucking stupid. Do you think I see the world particularly cheerily? Because the line on my arm from when I cut the vein open because I have depression wants a word. Right now my family life is decent thanks to my job, but I'm not exactly swimming in decent shit myself. Yeah, I'm no soldier, but I'm a father, who has to provide for his family, in an economy that's fucked and a country run by rich fucks who're happy to steal everything from us when they get chance.
You should accept that you're maybe not the only one life has been hard to. Maybe accept that different people's perspectives aren't less valid just because they're "civvies".
You know what? We did. We moved on.we rebooted the story. You didn't move on. You wrote blog posts designed to needle us and piss on us. You threw out insults. You refuse to acknowledge your role in this. It either doesn't occur to you that you've fucked up big time, since almost all the people you called friends on the team have cut ties, or you're very good at hiding it. Seriously. Do what Kizuna says. Seek help. Stop bitching about how miserable you are and GET HELP. If you're so miserable, wallowing like an idiot won't help. Maybe with professional assistance you might actually see a different side, or at least learn to not post blogs about how over everything you are (which, incidentally, is the biggest sign of being not over something you could give).
And do us both a favour and don't bother replying to this. I spent a year making excuses to my wife while she was pregnant, I was trying to plan a wedding, get a job, and feel like not killing myself. I'm done with you. Done with feeling like shit. Done with a guy who clearly can only think about his own pain. I've thought about yours, you see, thought about how you feel, how hurt this must all make you. I've worried about you. I even entertained the notion that one day, you might apologise and I could apologise for the times I've been harsh or undiplomatic.
But I'm not going to entertain those notions anymore. It's been half a year and all you've done is stay the same and blame everyone else, while dodging the blame you hold.
I hope that's not all you'll ever do, but I don't trust to hope. Not where you're concerned.
One more thing, though, because this is the most important.
You know what we have? Each other. I have the trust and respect of some of the damn nicest people I could ever know. I read some of the nice things Fluffy says about me and it gives me all the warm, happy, contented feelings that I could ever have. I have the trust and love and friendship of people who are immeasurably better than you. They support each other, care for each other. And they know I have their back, like they have mine.
You lost these people. Not because they hated you or because of your politics or because they disagreed about the story. You lost them because you failed to reciprocate their love and trust. You abused that trust, insulted and degraded people, attempted to manipulate people against other people.
You can rant and rave all you want… but we have each other. What do you have? Take a look at that, and then decide just how right you must be. Take a look at the “smart people” who think what we think of you, and then really honesty ask yourself, “could they be right?”
Or don't. You probs won't. The result’s the same.
You did this to yourself, and lost the friendship of some damn good people. Have fun with that.
4697043
Oh please. How dare I shoot down the fact that you are fighting a being short if god like and chances are slim. How dare I say that I find it harder for any military take an idea at face value when said being takes on an army and keeps on trucking.
As for chrysalis, that is something I was working with. And I had no idea what you were doing since I was browbeaten into giving it to you. No, if anything you are as much of a problem for anyone because your constant need to add a bunch of crap.
Keep in mind that you were invited on board because you were interested in the "petty, the brutal and the selfish." Sure shows how much you cared at the time huh?
Of course I am my own worse enemy. I face moment in my life that makes me wonder if death was preferable. That ending my misery would be a better choice if just to stop the sleepless nights, the faces of people, innocent people, I could of killed thanks to a dumbass officer, or the pain of carrying my family through hardship than enjoy what I want.
Please... I wanted to end my life since I was 22 years old.
4697063
You know what Jed. Youre right.
I am an asshole. It's a product of me growing up in a shitty environment. It not an excuse. That is how I am. I had no friends, not long term ones in school. Hell I didn't get friends until iwas deployed and even then I don't talk much to them.
I literally never had a friend beyond several month before we go our separate ways. I don't talk to people much. I barely speak to my family.
But I have to carry them... so yeah, i understand issues with your wife... for that I apologize.
I can't end my life... I have to take care of my family. They struggle without me and frankly I have issues with anger. I never had people at my side as long as you have...
I'm not use to it...
4696107
. And the reason (at least in story; I don't know what he said to you guys) that Celestia wasn't doing much mentoring was that she shared the protagonist slot with Marcus, and protagonists are supposed to be mentored to, not be mentors themselves.
... Jesus was a green furred Lesbian in his world, and God was Lauren Faust
Look, I get that Redskin did indeed bring most of this on himself, but can we not start making shit up just to bring in Identity Politics into this?
See, shit like this is why I actually believed Redskin about you being responsible for all this until everyone else on the team came forwards with their horror stories and Redskin went ballistic in his blog...
4697077
It's fine. I need this... I need my anger spent because I will never get closure with them...
Because while I am an asshole, I never wish for death for anyone... And frankly now that I read it, I am shocked at how far I fallen.
4696974
So I read your final blog on FIMFiction, as well as this comment right here. Your big takeaway from this was that "people will use you for their own gains"? LOL, way to misread the situation, “buddy.”
I don’t pretend that I’m a perfect person. I will readily admit to my many flaws and less-than-good deeds. So, no, you can take that belief of yours that we think we’re all paragons of perfection and toss it in the paper shredder.
And yeah, we get it, you were in a war. Get over it. Sure, you’re not the only military guy who was on the crew (and not the only military guy most of us knew personally), but you’re the only one who treats it like the be-all and end-all of your identity. And it doesn’t make you better than the rest of us.
I never owed you a minute of my time and neither did the others, and for that matter, you never owed us any consideration either. I reached out to you to help on Spectrum because I cared about its integrity and wanted to help it fulfill its potential. You don’t owe anyone for being their friend. And you sure as shit don’t hold your friendship over their head like an axe, or play people against each other. You pushed us away. That was your own damn fault.
You wouldn’t have gotten half as far with the story as you did without help. Help from TB3, Proud, Doctor Fluffy, Jed, Vox, TheIdiot, Sledge, and I daresay myself. But you choose to conveniently forget that to turn us into the bad guys in your little pity party.
The reason why you were labeled a “Prima Donna Director” on the TV Tropes page for the story was because you were. Yes, creative differences are inevitable in the process when a work is a collaborative group effort. But anytime anyone had an idea that ran contrary to your ‘original vision’ (like with Chrysalis), you would sulk, throw tantrums, refuse to engage in any meaningful discussion and insult anyone for having a different view (be it on the story or on anything else, which I’ll get to later). For what it’s worth, Vox and Sledge admitted that they did overstep with Chrysalis and could've been smoother about it. But you were so against this that you willingly brushed the ACTUAL CANON OF THE SHOW under the rug just because it didn’t fit your vision. You know who else did that? Fucking Chatoyance. Not so different in the end, eh?
Also, with regards to a certain abortion of a side story we were all against - yes, I can see where you were coming from on being sorry for Art. But here’s the thing - we tried to be nice, we tried to be patient, and all he did was spam us with messages about irrelevant crap none of us cared about and derailed any conversations about writing stuff to whatever irrelevant shit he was doing that day. We had no other choice but to give him an ultimatum to make him make some sort of progress on his “story” idea. When it became clear that there was no way it would look good, we had to cut him out (and besides, it was seriously doubtful he would even make it past the brainstorming stage). You proceeded to blast me and Fluffy for “never giving the kid a chance and broke his heart”, never mind that Art shouldn’t have been put in that position in the first place. So yeah, that’s also on you. And the time you treated Fluffy like a stupid child because he wanted Art out of the group? He’s told me that’s something he’s gonna be mad about for a long, long time. But, it’s not even that.
It’s that you lied to him why you did it a year later, trying to pass it off as just “good natured ribbing between buds”, when “good natured ribbing between buds” is not supposed to be insulting in that sort of way. In fact, he says - right now - he’ll probably be mad about it forever.
By the by, as hard as it may be for you to believe, I actually do have some friends who have different social and political views from myself, and I have happily engaged in plenty of thoughtful and intelligent conversations with them on these topics. You however were never interested in any intelligent discussion (or anything intelligent it seems). Just rudely dismissed us anytime we ever expressed worry about what the Orange Hitler could bring about (and yes, as much as you’d like to downplay or even deny it, he has been a disaster so far) and treated us like whiny children. You want to know why Fluffy held his tongue when you replied on his political posts on Facebook? Because he knew you would shoot him down like usual and he was sick of dealing with that. And that was the same thing with me. I’ll admit I could’ve handled it way better myself, I’ll admit I can get emotional, but don’t act like you’re so innocent.
For all that though, I should let you know that yes, you were genuinely a friend to me, and I am truly grateful for the help you’d given me in starting up the Asia Side Story, and I do cherish the good times. And unlike the others who want nothing to do with you, my door is always open for reconciling. But that won’t happen unless you really take a good long look at yourself. You had been, to be brutally fucking honest, nasty and downright mean. You hung our friendship over my head and acted like I somehow owed you something, when in reality, that is not how friendship works. And, as Vox put it, whenever you were ever called out or defied by someone who couldn’t be browbeaten into submission, you played the victim card. Ironic how you say the innocence of My Little Pony blinded you with its magic, yet it was a show you still felt the need to put in your abrasive mouthpieces tso they could constantly talk down to the main characters for being so ‘soft and naive’.
If you’ve made it this far into that wall of text, well, congratulations. This was mostly for me to vent out my emotions that have been building up in me for a long time. I really did feel bad for you in many respects, and I wanted to help and support you. But you need to help yourself first. You probably won’t believe me when I say this, but I really do wish you all the best. I say that with complete and utter sincerity. Because frankly, I’m sick of being spiteful.
So, I guess this is Goodbye.
P.S. - I never liked the Sergei/Aquamarine romance you foisted into Asia. A decent idea in theory, but it never once rang true to me, nor did I ever like the way it treated other related characters. That was the first thing I decided to get rid of in the reboot of my story.
4697074
Then I'll say this.
Whatever's going on with you, I've always believed part of you wanted to get past the things that drag you down and that you want to be better.
If you genuinely want to be better, you have to seek out the help to do that. That help exists. The only reason I am alive today is because I sought and got that help. It doesn't even need to be paid psychiatrists - volunteer helplines are great.
It's not an easy road, "getting better". But come on, man, it's got to be better than whatever the fuck is going on with you right now. You cannot go on this way. It will kill you. Depression is a bitch like that.
Surely it's better to strive for the possibility of getting better than to simply settle for shit being shit.
ETA: And don't say you can't do it. Because you clearly have the determination to do it. Use that determination. Positive change occurs only when you try.
4697084
I'm scared of showing weakness Jed. It's not simple for me to just tell someone.
Frankly this spiral of anger is just...
Never ending.
Also, this whole thread is a circle-jerk.
4697089 How is this like a game on MXC that's based on sumo wrestling?
4697089
*snort* confronting everyone and venting all my anger, pointless and directionless, is helping me... my mind isn't as full of anger and blind rage.
I'm surprised I function at all...
4697084
It's a matter if trust... I don't feel comfortable in speaking to anyone I don't know. I keep a lid on it and I just ignore it.
All this anger... just annoying stuff building up until it blinded me from all the problems... yeah... I just feel drained...
4697087
It does have an end.
And frankly you're showing weakness, Red. That's what all this is. You showing that you're hurt. It is, regrettably, really, really obvious.
There is no weakness in admitting to needing help. There is no weakness in seeking that help. The only weakness is in allowing your pain to delude you into believing that there is no hope and that you cannot escape the spiral.
I have that weakness too. But I am not alone. Neither are you, if you look around. You have a family, Red, and you've not alienated all your friends.
Look, you do whatever you feel is best for you. I've given my advice, because no matter how much you fucked me off over the years, I strive to believe that everyone can be the best version of themselves. There is a best version of you, if you have the courage to seek him. Whether you choose to find that courage is your gift.
Go in peace and may you find whatever solace you seek sooner rather than later.
4697097
Jed. We may not see eye to eye on issues. We have differences and that should not be a factor in anything.
But frankly I am glad we spoke and know one another. You are a damn good writer and frankly I am shocked you are able to do a lot of stuff that I wish I could do...
I just want this to end... I just want my head clear and nothing more...
4697082
I'm not gonna sugarcoat things and act like you didn't bring most of this upon yourself. The only reason a dick like Vox is the good guy here is because you've been a Mega Dick. Hell, I'd likely still be firmly in your court if you targeted your megadickery just at Vox, but then you had to go after people like Fluffy, Jed, and Kizuna who are better people than both you and Vox combined.
The reason I didn't confront you earlier was 1) everything was over by then and 2) you were suicidal the last time I talked to you, so I didn't want to risk being the one to push you over the edge.
That said, if you are in fact sincere about wanting to improve as a person, I wish you all the luck in the world.
4697103
I need this... I just want to scream and shout at everyone just to get rid of the anger... And lay down and cry.
4697103
Also, don't be like that to Vox.
I'm just tired.
OK, guys? Redskin's language here is starting to worry me, so I honestly think we should stop. I reported the blog because of that.
4697083
Yeah... it was a shitty idea too. I'm surprise you ran with it.
Frankly I need help... at least something that calms my nerves...
Normally that would be writing, but given that was part of the problem...
4697114 Why did you report the blog?
4697114
Jesus christ, I'm not going to kill myself
4697117
Idiot... yeah. Good job. In anger I destroy, but you saved it...
4697117
4697118
Because your language was starting to freak me out Redskin, and I kinda panicked. Chances are the mods will ignore this though. If not... Sorry guys.
4697126
I poured all of my anger, misguided as it is, into the words. Just finding reasons for my anger, just to get rid of it. I couldn't just write it down and forget it. I needed to to speak to them... I needed for them to speak to me. I need...
I need help. I need something that will help calm my nerves.
4697057
You are a better man than me
4697126 It's fine, you did what you thought was best.
4697129 Then write a story. If you need an escape or a release, then write a story. Be aware though, if you share it with others, you're going to get responses and feedback that you may not like - it's the job of the author to receive the words of the critic and try to learn from them.
4697136
It wasn't you guys... just... small things that build up and up.
And when something big came up... well... I blew it out.
4697129
What you need is a therapist, probably one knowledgable in PTSD.
4697137 I hear ya, but try to remember and learn from your experiences. It's like Jed R said, you can find someone better to become.
4697129
Also, a project you write only on your own or with only one other person would likely do you good. Seriously, that superhero AU was not bad at all, so you shouldn't abandon it over this.
4697136
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4697114
Last year was too much for me...
My job was suffering, small things I could of ignored became bigger, my family relying on me far too much, lack of sleep, frustrations upon annoyances...
I said nothing.... *snort* because I didn't want anyone to worry...
Fat lot that did... ended up destroying myself.
Nightmares I can handle. Nothing that I can't assure myself that I didn't do a bad deed during my deployment.
I have thoughts of suicide but I always brush them because I didn't want to disappoint anyone.
I... miss all of you. I miss the year before 16. My job is looking up and I got a raise, my family doesn't rely on me as much anymore, I just have anger that seem so stupid that I am blinded by it
Which is funny because I can see more short falls and acknowledge it and I do nothing about it.
4697148 Saying something is one thing, doing something is another. Time will tell if you're genuine on this or not.
Take to heart what has been done and said, and use it to find your way.
May the future do well for you,
Sincerely,
TheIdiot.