RedSquirrel456 Vs. The Forces of MLP: The Movie: Part 1: The Game: The Movie: The Official Score · 5:06pm Oct 12th, 2017
I didn't like it. It is a significant step down in MLP storytelling, and is such a basic, vanilla, safe-for-all-audiences production that it might as well not be MLP at all.
For a far more detailed than necessary explanation, see below.
Let's get one thing outta the way. I didn't pay for it -- I went straight for the leaked copy. I started watching pony for free, and gosh darn it that's how I'll end it. I knew from the very first trailer what this movie was going to be: A Kid's Movie. Notice the caps. The trailer had all the trappings of a typical Hollywood cash-in. The long list of guest stars. The pop music. The references. The syrupy, "Wowy zowy, what a super magical duper looper world we live in fellow giggling ponies!" tone to literally everything. My Little Pony: The Movie saddens me because, well, the title describes it perfectly. It's not a step forward. It's not a natural evolution of the show in any particular direction. It doesn't even warrant a secondary title. It's just "The Movie." When Hasbro thought this up, their executives were like "You know what we need? A Movie."
"You mean a brand new idea that will really seal the deal on this toy line and bring it up from an anomaly that keeps us on the map to a permanent fixture in mainstream consciousness?"
"Nah, just A Movie. Like make it the show, but as The Movie. Also strip out pretty much anything challenging or thoughtful the show had."
This was a movie made by people who knew they didn't really even need to make it. They just did because children will pay for it, just like they paid for this:
Remember how we got like three of these movies for literally no other reason than kids will watch anything because they’re too young to have taste?
For the purposes of this review, I will do what some of the neighsayers say to do and… sigh… approach this in a vacuum. Even though 7 seasons should have been building up to this moment, it’s only real connection to the show is that there are ponies in it. So I will judge it entirely by its own merits as a standalone film separate from any prior pony knowledge I have.
We start off with maybe the most generic children's movie opening ploy ever: soaring through clouds while a pop song plays in the background. Except it's not a pop song anybody will know. Not the kids. Not even the parents. It's We Got the Beat by the Go-Gos. Released 1981, the year My Little Pony’s toyline was put out. Except nobody has ever, even once in their lives, connected these two things. There is no reason for them to have chosen this song besides ‘the 80s I guess?’ Also, the song is not even ponified. The lyrics don’t really lend themselves to wordplay. “Ponies” becomes “people,” “walking” becomes “trotting,” and… that’s it.
It’s a remarkably uninspired beginning. Guess what it shows us? Lots of cute ponies for children to BUY BUY BUY. Guess what it doesn’t show us?
Everything. We have no idea why we should care about the ponies. Who are they? Where did they come from? Any clues to what the story will be? Who is the main character? This one? That one?
But eventually we get to two shmucks talking about Princess Twilight. Awkward pacing here: there’s a joke where they say “Twilight can handle anything!” and then it takes… several long seconds before we get to Twilight actually saying “I can’t handle this!” What can’t she handle though? Oh gosh, is it something interesting like going to the Crystal Empire or fighting off Nightmare Moon’s inevitable destructive return?!
It’s worrying that the other Princesses won’t help her with the Friendship Festival. Okay, so, the “can’t handle it” joke is ruined. There’s no reason to think she can’t handle asking other Princesses for help, and everything seems to be going smoothly anyway, and the Princesses all assure Twilight everything will be fiiiiiine, it’s gonna be fiiiiine, Twilight, all is well! Asking for wild tidal catastrophes and firestorms is just a wee bit off the mark, though.
Remember when it was implied we did stuff that wasn’t just window dressing for parties? Yeah, us neither.
So there’s three big Princesses and one small Princess. The big ones apparently move the sun and moon and stuff! Are they important?
So then we see Twilight’s friends who all show off at least one facet of their personality with some rather forced dialogue. And also Fluttershy is here.
You know, this entire introductory sequence is both essential and superfluous. Essential because all these background ponies need a name. Superfluous because there’s absolutely no pay-off down the line. Remember the pilot? Every single one of the Mane Six’s respective personalities is essential in completing Twilight’s quest, and also Twilight herself as a person. In the movie, none of these ponies get a moment to shine. They really cease being important here. I’m not spoiling anything, because there’s nothing to spoil. They exist because kids want to see their favorite ponies on the screen, and… that’s it.
Also there was a fart joke, so even MLP has reduced itself to toilet humor now. Goody.
Woof! First real song. It’s not that great, just a typical bouncy kid’s song. They do a better job of explaining the characters and their motivations here, especially noting what a Princess of Friendship is and what she does. So all Twilight’s friends, again, tell her “Hey, it’s okay, we’re here for you Twilight. We’re already friends and you’re the Princess of Friendship! No reason to worry!” They’re really hammering this message home: these ponies are really good friends and understand each other. This will be important later, but not for good reasons.
They could have made a great stripper joke here because ponies are always naked.
Oh yeah, Sia’s in this movie or something too, and then THE STORM KING ARRIVES.
Wait, it’s just this lady.
She makes these crazy eyes a lot. I don’t know why.
And then Twilight delivers what is probably the dumbest line in the entire movie:
“IS THAT A UNICORN?”
And Spike’s incredible reminder: “I think so… but what happened to her horn?”
But I really understand Twilight’s confusion. I know when I see someone with a missing arm or leg, my first reaction is to ask “IS THAT A HUMAN BEING?”
Why not just say “wow, a unicorn… but with a broken horn?” Are they assuming kids are too stupid to see a broken horn when they see one? Lemme make a point of that: this is not a movie for older children. By older, I mean like… above the age of six. And this movie knows it.
So Tempest shows up and announces “I’mma kill all you motherbuckers,” which she then does. Celestia gets blapped because she stands around for several long, awkward seconds yelling at Luna.
“HEY. LUNA. YOU SHOULD GO SOUTH. *PAUSE* PAST THE BADLANDS, YOU KNOW THOSE? *PAUSE* YOU NEED TO SEEK… THE QUEEN OF…”
*Pause*
*Ponies are dying*
*Luna starts to sweat*
“... THE HIPPO—*blap*”
The ponies run, they escape, and there’s ye old waterfall escape route.
There is no tension or drama here in this potentially exciting scene, except for the smallest of children who may not even fully understand what they’re watching. I grew up watching Littlefoot and Simba see their parents die. I grew up watching Bigwig fight General Woundwort and Mrs. Brisby escape the claws of Dragon. Kids can deal with some actual fucking frights. But we never actually feel like anyone’s in true danger here, not least of all because Tempest does nothing remotely threatening… or anything that should be threatening, anyway.
So it’s been established these are larger than normal Princesses who move the Sun, but they can’t handle a game of dodgeball. Good. Great. I’m sure normal viewers who don’t know what pony is and have never heard of a “brony” are just engrossed by suspense. I mean, us horsemen are used to it, after seven seasons of the Princesses being utterly useless, but newcomers might still feel a sting.
And now! Now the adventures begin. After a truly excruciating joke about Hungry Hungry Hippos. Now, keep in mind Twilight’s been sung at, and flat-out told by the Princesses, “you are a good and strong pony and all of your friends are behind you and you can do it!”
This is why it’s so important for Twilight to nobly tell them to fuck off anyway. The movie starts rolling downhill from here, and boy does it pick up speed.
“I know we have things like Elements of Harmony, Rainbow Power, and a goddamn functioning horn unlike Miss Edge Head, but if you’ll excuse me, I have a lot of noble staring to do while I clear these FUCKING SPARKLES OUT OF MY EYES.”
So Twilight leaves Equestria, determined to resolve this all on her own. And some other ponies follow along too!
You know what this reminds me of? Shia LeBouf. His character in the second Transformers movie, Revenge of the Fallen in particular. He’s already been through the first adventure, and proved to himself that he’s good at this saving the world thing. He has giant robots from space and an ultra-hot girlfriend yelling at him all the time about how important he is, and how they just can’t wait for him to do even more cool stuff.
That’s why he’s still a self-conscious dweeb who just can’t tell his widdle girlfwiend that he wuvs her because of all things THAT is what stops him cold. It makes him insufferable. Dude, you got the life most people would kill for, but you’re complaining? You’re really jeopardizing your chances with this awesome girl and ass-kicking robots because of some self-righteous condescending bullshit about how you don’t feel up to it when you already proved you are?
Same principle here. Twilight, look, I know you’re supposed to be “adorkable” or whatever stupid catchphrase is attached to you, but… you’re already a Princess. You made it. Even without seven seasons of development, here in the movie everyone can’t stop telling you that they got your back and you can do great things. Hell, nothing actually went wrong with the festival! Did anyone notice that? Everything was going to be perfect without Tempest’s intervention! Twilight is wrong all the time! Who is supposed to sympathize with her except children who tear up because the movie pushed the “cry now” button?
And you know, Tempest has kind of a good point in this next scene. If the ponies are so powerful, why are they really just doing parties? Wouldn’t they know about this Storm King and what a great threat he is if he’s already conquered most of the world?
While we’re on the subject of the Storm King… eh? More affable CEO than grouchy Aku? Kind of a let-down from all angles, really. I do think it’s hilarious that his entire motivation for invading Equestria is so his name can make sense. The guy might as well have just woken up in a field one day and decided “Well, I’m going to kill everyone in the world.” Coulda done a lot with him, but since his cell phone spell scene is really all we get, he might as well not be in the movie at all.
Grubber is mildly entertaining but useless. I wonder if Tempest is unsure why she keeps him around.
DOES THIS LOOK UNSURE TO YOU?
Lemme ask a question about this desert we cut to.
How did they get here in less than a day? Like, for real? Tempest says in the previous scene: Three days to get everything ready. But there has been no nightfall. No montage of a map. We didn’t even see the ponies walk off-screen. Yet here they are in the middle of the wasteland, starving or dying, where before they at least needed a train to get to Appleloosa?
And then we hit… THE CITY. You know the one. The grungy Mos Eisley type place that every adventurer needs to visit because of Star Wars? It’s not an important place, but it is the one where they meet the ruffian Capper. But first, some more gripes.
Why is it that nearly every single civilization outside of Equestria is presented as this low-down, scruffy, ugly, awful place to live? These ponies live a single day’s walk from this giant horrible place full of slaves and animal chattel and poverty, but Celestia Who Lifts the Sun has done absolutely fuck-all about it? Why hasn’t anyone made friends here? Why didn’t any of the ponies know this GIGANTIC PORT TOWN was right next to their country? Why didn’t any of the ponies even try to help the obvious slavery problem going on here?
Oh! The pony who loves animals is seeing animals in danger! Maybe she’ll—
...Well okay then.
The answer to these questions is, of course… that none of these questions are important. We’re not here to ask them. We’re not here to think. We’re here in this ridiculous one-day’s-walk-from-home town because that’s how these stories always go. It’s not a place where anything actually important happens. It’s Mos Eisley spaceport, The Local Tavern, The Wrong Side of the Tracks. The place we take the kiddies to to fool them into thinking something dangerous and exotic is happening and the main characters are “out of their comfort zone.” It checks a trope off a list. That’s all this entire movie does.
Bright colors, fart jokes, “ADVENTURE”, “I gotta do it on my own,” lame bad guy, lame bad guy’s lame sidekick, sidekick’s equally useless lesser sidekick, and now Mos Eisley. Check, check, check, check.
It’s actually called Klugetown but nobody ever calls it that so who gives a fuck?
And now we hit the part of the movie where Twilight starts acting even stupider.
First, she very obviously helps a guy with her magic, flashing her alicorn-ness around and not even hiding herself.
Then she tells everyone, “Try to blend in.”
Yeah, good idea, Twilight! You both have horns, so nobody can tell the difference!
Then Pinkie starts shouting at the top of her lungs because that’s our Pinkie! The flipping stupid loudmouth who can’t even understand the urgency of any situation, right? Wow, she’s an idiot and it’s FUNNY. And then Twilight gets angry at her for not blending in. Which… six brightly-colored ponies can obviously do without even a cloak and the magic Twilight just showed off.
Why didn’t Rarity just fashion them some disguises? Why didn’t Twilight get a justifiable reason to get angry when she tells them “don’t get noticed” BEFORE they get noticed, and then something happens to remove the disguises? Say, Fluttershy gets angry that animals are being sold, and Rainbow gets in a fight to protect her, and then the jig is up and maybe a short chase scene and THEN cue Capper? No, that doesn’t happen. Let’s recap:
Twilight uses magic. Doesn’t cover anyone up. Walks right through the middle of town.
Twilight tells them, “Try to blend in.”
Nobody blends in but it’s Pinkie’s fault because she’s loud and obnoxious.
Twilight gets angry at Pinkie.
People want to buy the ponies.
Capper shows up.
Capper sings a song.
End Capper intro.
It’s, uh… it’s boring. It’s really boring. Nothing happens. Capper does have a flash of inspiration when he convinces the crowds that the ponies are infected with a disease that makes your penis rot off, but that’s his highlight reel for the entire film.
His song sucks. Every time I thought it was going to go all out crazy and colorful like Aladdin’s “One Jump Ahead” or The Princess and the Frog’s “Friends on the Other Side,” it… didn’t. It’s just bleh. Capper himself is just bleh. He has unspecified debts to unspecified creditors, but it’s literally never touched on again after this sequence. But Rarity gives him some buttons, so that makes him a good guy even though he was willing to go through with selling people into slavery. Yeah, he decides that the best way to deal with his debt is to sell these cute ponies who did nothing against him into a life of servitude.
I mean, he got them all onto his bed in like ten minutes, so he’s got that going for him.
So I guess this is the part where Twilight’s fragile view of the outside world is shattered forever. The part where she realizes Equestrian values are nothing in the face of the blank slate of a ledger, that friendship cannot turn the tide against malcontents so set in their ways that they hate the very idea of change. Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!
Except she’s seen outsiders from beyond Equestria already. She knows friendship isn’t a cure-all for the world’s problems. She knows some people can’t be trusted, and she knows some civilizations need time and space and sensitivity because in the show--pffft ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HAAAA HA HA HA HA HA
I forgot, this is basically forgetting the show exists… except for the ones who watched it.
Tempest shows up and they escape onto the pirate ship of Captain Not Appearing In This Film.
Or rather, Captain Celaeno. She is down on her luck because she used to be a pirate, and now her ship hauls Storm King merchandise. She’s so defeatist that she’s willing to murder all of the ponies and Spike the baby dragon just to avoid the Storm King’s wrath. Ho ho, lunch break joke, guess the murderin' will have to wait for the next half-hour. I mean, they do give the ponies a last meal, kind of, but Celaeno is adamant: We are definitely going to throw you overboard until you die.
Even though we're like a thousand feet in the air, flying across an ocean, where nobody loyal to the Storm King exists for miles around. Totally gonna murder the cute ponies. Yeah, I'm loving these guys already.
But then Rainbow sings a song so they decide not to murder people and be pirates again. Uh, excuse me, treasure hunting scallywags (also known as murderers). Note: they never wear the full pirate garb that was advertised in some promotional material. It’s an awful missed opportunity, because I kinda liked it.
So this Be Awesome song. It's also rather forgettable. I mean, none of the music in this movie is bad, per se? It doesn't make me want to rip my own ears off and eat them while liquid insanity pours from my every orifice like kid movie songs usually do, but none of them stick. None of them serve a point.
And none of them are even that emotionally affecting! Aren't songs like Be Awesome usually reserved for moments of epiphany? Times when characters rise up from the gloom and decide yeah! We can do this! Not... immediately after lunch break? There isn't even any whiplash because there wasn't really anything to turn around from. They just go from wearing black to wearing their toy costumes before we even know why being part of the Storm King's army sucks so much. Everyone just says "Aw, man, this sucks!" and then Rainbow's like "But why not be awesome?" and the pirates are like "Yeah okay, that sucks less." I mean, if they were so disloyal that's all it took to turn them around, why did they consider killing everyone?
And then Rainbow Dash does a Sonic Rainboom at the Be Awesome song climax, alerting Tempest to their location. Twilight is actually justifiably pissed off here… almost. I mean, she puts up just about the weakest objection to it you can imagine. Rainbow’s like five hundred feet above the ship and Twilight is on deck all “No. Rainbow. Stop. Anything but that.”
Man, if only I had something like a magic spell to stop a pony from doing stuff! And if only I had a horn to cast that spell!
But she looks cute in a pirate hat so there’s that.
And of course, Tempest sees the Rainboom, finds the ship, and Twilight ditches the pirates’ asses like hot potatoes. I mean, she didn’t even give them a chance to be untrustworthy this time! I know you're inexplicably hostile in this movie, Twilight, but you don't have to be a jerk about it.
Why not have Celaeno just be an actual pirate all along? A real thieving hardass who hates the Storm King because he stole all the stuff she wanted to steal? You can’t plunder kingdoms when the Storm King is erasing them from the map, after all. Say Capper throws everyone on the first ship he sees when they’re escaping Klugetown. Oh no, it’s the worst ship because pirates. They form a tentative alliance with Twilight and co., maybe Capper gets some poetic justice because he gets locked up until the ponies feel bad and he gets to reveal some actual backstory. Then Tempest finds them because, you know, she’s competent? We have an awesome airship battle maybe. And purely out of spiteful mischief, just because she hates the Storm King so damn much and is a live-in-the-moment pirate, Celaeno decides to drop the ponies (and Capper) off the ship before Tempest can get them.
“Where are the ponies?”
“Ask my peg leg. I'm about to introduce you.” *leaps at Tempest, sword drawn*
Then cut to everyone falling. Man, Celaeno would’ve been top-tier waifu material if that happened.
YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SHOULD’VE SANG THIS SONG TOO
But none of that happens. Tempest shows up, the ponies run away again, Tempest blows the pirates the fuck up. So much for them! They contributed nothing to the movie except some transportation, whoop-dee-doo.
Then we find the seaponies. I mean the hippogriffs. I mean the BIGGEST MISSED OPPORTUNITY OF THE MOVIE. And also the biggest plothole.
But this is running a little long, so you will have to wait for Part 2.
"These ponies live a single day’s walk from..." Hey, in Equestria, *everything* is less than a day's walk from anywhere else. Remember My Town? Close enough for Big Mac to make same-day apple deliveries. Ponyville to Canterlot? Close enough for the Gala ponies to get all dressed up in Ponyville and ride a carriage up to the top. Ponyville to Yakyakistan? same. I think Equestria is about the size of Ohio.
Yeah, plot holes galore. You just need to turn off that little part of your brain that keeps asking, "So, how does the sun rise and set now?"
I do wish they would have worked the transitions from scene to scene better. And I like the theme: Yeah, we screw up, and sometimes, we screw up bigtime! But we're friends, and we stick together to fix things we broke afterwards.
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, I understand. But how much longer do I have to keep writing on the blackboard "When hiding from the bad guys, I will not do a Sonic Rainbow no matter how cool it is."
Twilight Sparkle: Until Fluttershy is done with therapy for the thug she traumatized.
Thug: (sobs) My mother never really loved me!
Fluttershy: There, there. Let it out, and pet the kitten.
4695802
Never underestimate the sheer amount salt I can shake out when it comes to ponies.
I actually liked the music beneath the bland lyrics and utterly terrible timing for these songs. It's just too bad the background sounds are more entertaining than what's going on.
4695709
As someone who very firmly believes in internal consistency... yeah, I have to suppress a little heart attack every time I see plot holes like that. It's just how I'm wired to watch stuff I guess.
It was funny when Tartarus itself was an afternoon's walk away from Ponyville. That was hilarious; crossing desert wastelands without even a shot to establish they went somewhere is getting silly!
4695916 Tempest sat in the wreckage of Canterlot, taking a pause from issuing orders to the troops just so she could watch the sun set. "Grubber, do you think we missed anything?"
"Nope," said the minion once he had finished his slice of cake. "Everything right down the line like the Storm King planned."
She nodded. "And how long has the sun been setting?"
Grubber checked his watch. "Um... seventeen hours?"
"Yeah." Tempest looked over her shoulder at the statue of Celestia, which seemed in an oddly mocking stance, now that she had time to examine it. "We may have to modify those plans a little."
You're saying all the things I couldn't put into words.
Don't fuck this up.
Some of these points are quite thought-provoking, but it seems to me as though you somewhat missed the point of this film. You seem to be judging it by the metrics of a high-concept Adventure story when it's actually a low-concept character piece and thematic deconstruction of its source material. Each scene you consider pointless actually contributes something valuable to its central themes on Trust and Trustworthiness.
Well, kind of. While it's true that none of the mane 6--besides arguably Sparkle--are given substantial characterization here, and only three of them are made into strong characters throughout the entirety of the film's runtime, it must also be considered what this scene does accomplish. It quite effectively reaffirms the tone and atmosphere of Friendship is Magic, which is very important because the entire movie is about juxtaposing and deconstructing this setting and its ideology.
I'm going on a limb here, because that is a rather vague complaint, but I assume you're referring to how the film subsequently puts the Mane 6 at odds with each other's ideologies. I'm not sure why you don't think this is not a justified reason for clearly showing how tightly these characters' friendship is when not put under any pressure, because imo it is essential for the impact of Twilight gradually breaking apart from this friendship when it is actually tested.
The point of Mos Eisley was to contrast the mundane farmlife Luke Skywalker had experienced with a wild space fantasy to enthrall the viewer. The point of The City is to juxtapose the idealic coloration and attitude of Friendship is Magic (Canterlot represents Equestria in general in this story; it's thematically more akin to Ponyville than Canterlot proper) with a grungy mercenary setting and bleak atmosphere. These two settings do serve fundamentally different purposes.
This scene also effectively introduces the core themes of the film: Twilight Sparkle's cynical world view, and by extension, the questionable trustworthiness of the outside world (The City presents the world as rampant with poachers and conmen). This theme recurs throughout every subsequent scene to some capacity, and one oughta appreciate how coherent it is.
All the denizens are humanoid in shape and size, which juxtaposes the tiny equine nature of the Mane 6. Those ponies are even sold at one point, evoking a striking image of them literally being treated like animals. This highlights how out-of-their-environment they are. The experiences had in this setting largely shapes Twilight Sparkle's character arc for the rest of the film. Later on, she even explicitly tells her companions that "[they] aren't in Equestria anymore", which demonstrates her distinction between idealic Equestria and the grungy outside world presented by this film.
Because this is a completely different story which only functions well as a high-concept Adventure. This doesn't comment on Trustworthiness, or explore the fundamental disagreements between Sparkle and her companions. It has no point. It emphasizes the adventurous side-appeal, and impedes what actually makes this a story worth telling. Similarly, The Prince of Dust would not have been improved if it de-emphasized the core narrative and themes on Compromise and Collaboration in favor of pronouncing Rarity's romance subplot's surface appeal.
4696016
See this would have been clever. The MLP movie is determined not to be clever, so naturally this isn't there.
4696044
And me as well. I love the animation in this film - DHX went all out and I am super sad that they did so much work for such a totally bland, uninspired story that is basically what happens if the ponies were possessed by alien brain slugs animating their bodies and trying to act like them.
I get the feeling that you didn't like this movie.
I'm reminded of a pseudo in-universe joke that any post-apocalyptic fiction written in Equestria had to excuse some reason to take out the alicorns, and whoops, didn't that just happen.