An Apology · 11:30pm Oct 8th, 2017
Hey, guys. It’s been a while.
A lot of stuff has happened over the last year or so. A lot of things have gone right, and a lot more have gone wrong.
The start of everything was when my hard drive died at the end of September, and with it went a lot of my notes for Two Mares and a Carpet Bag and, more damningly, Poor Reflections. I poured a lot of myself into those stories, and the loss of so much time and effort (along with almost everything else) was a real blow.
Since then, it’s been one thing after another - a sudden, unexpected, and stressful search for a new place to live; two of my best friends getting a divorce, and me trying unsuccessfully to be as uninvolved in that whole mess as possible; my car slowly dying, antifreeze fumes boiling from beneath the hood every time I drove anywhere (the leak being in a place that necessitated dismantling half the engine to get to it, a repair job that cost far more than the car was worth); and throughout it all, my slow discovery that a lifetime of ignoring the stress in your life will eventually take a physical toll.
I’ve had more panic attacks this past year than I’ve had in the rest of my life combined. My body, or my brain, just can’t handle stress very well any more, and, in February, it started manifesting as chest pain. A dull, constant ache that doesn't go away unless I physically get up and start doing something.
The pain got so bad one night that I checked myself into the emergency room, where I paid (well, I’m still paying) $2700 to learn the difference between a heart attack and an anxiety attack. One of the most humiliating moments of my life was being sent home with little more than a pat on the head and, from the neck down, a clean bill of health.
It’s not all doom and gloom, at least. The extensive testing showed that I’m in surprisingly good health, all things considered. There’s a certain amount of solace one can take from a handful of clean chest x-rays, a normal EKG, and a thorough blood panel that only showed a moderately low potassium level (to which the doctor said, “just eat a banana every once in awhile”). Also, I did finally get a new car, and my new apartment is the best place I’ve ever lived. I still live with the roommate I’ve written about before, and he’s still a profoundly positive effect on my mental well-being.
As things slowly trended back towards normalcy, I turned my attention back towards Two Mares and a Carpet Bag. Part of what has been stressing me out is the fact that the story remains unfinished, and starting over with little more than what’s already been published, I’ve been slowly plugging away at getting it done. I had this notion in my head that I couldn’t come back until it was done, that until I could publish the rest of the story I had no business calling myself a writer, that I wouldn’t be welcome until I’d fulfilled my obligation of the story horizon had so graciously asked for in return for a review. I got way, way too wound up in the idea that if I couldn’t even finish such a minor commission (not even a commission, really), then I had no business calling myself a writer, and if I can’t even do that, something I had poured so much of myself into, then I may as well abandon all of my dreams and sink back into the monotony of my pre-FiMFiction life, narcotizing my brain with video games and Youtube, distracting myself from the soul-crushing realization that without purpose, all I was doing was patiently waiting to die.
Thankfully, I’ve realized how dumb that was, but that’s the kind of dark place I’ve been in for most of this past year. Meditation and exercise have helped immensely, and I’m doing a lot better than I have been. It’s been a couple months since my last panic attack. And as I’ve said, work continues apace on Two Mares and a Carpet Bag, though I don’t know yet when it will be finished. I won't publish a story chapter by chapter as I’m writing it again, lesson learned.
All that said, I’ve missed you guys. I miss talking about stories with the Writeoff Group, both on the site and in the Discord chat. I miss actually watching the show. I miss reading the stories of the incredibly talented authors who frequent this site. I miss challenging myself every few weeks, even if I’ve failed at wording as often as I’ve succeeded. And I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to realize that my own insecurity is the only thing that kept me from coming back.
Special thanks to 007Ben and CoffeeMinion for checking in on me in my absence, and reminding me that I was happiest when I was an active part of this community. I’m sorry I never responded to you, but that was when the whole “I’m not a writer unless I finish this story” thought spiral was at its worst. I was too scared to even log back in to reply. It seems so silly, now. And thanks to Dubs Rewatcher for leaving the comment on my page that finally convinced me to get the hell over myself.
TL,DR: Life took a downturn, but things are getting better, and I’m sorry it took a year for me to get my shit together. I’m back, and I love you guys.
Dude I did that exact thing back in college. Thought I was having a legit heart attack; turned out to just be stress. Went through all kinds of blood tests, EKGs, etc., only to end up feeling stupid.
I'd tell you not to feel stupid about it. Life is incredibly hard sometimes, even when you'd otherwise feel ashamed to complain about your circumstances; things can be messed up in ways that aren't easy (or desirable) to explain to others. It sounds like you've found some peace, and that's excellent! I'll pray that that continues. And on that topic, the whole college situation was the one time when I felt like my faith overall was working against me, because I did feel ashamed to look at my circumstances and admit that I was struggling regardless. It was only later that I came to realize the trite-sounding truth about body, mind, soul, and passion being connected, and very great issues in one being able to pull me off-course even when one or more of the others are doing well.
Losing data is a legit blow too.
But like hell you're not a real writer for not doing some thing by some time. You're a real writer if you show up and write. And I know I'm not the only one who'll be glad to see you, the realest Icenrose of them all, back on the scene. 
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The more I've talked to people about all this, the more I've found similar stories to mine. I just needed to find healthier ways to manage stress than just sitting and stewing in it.
Thanks for the vote of confidence, yo, it means the world to me.
I'm looking forward to catching up on everything I've missed.
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For anxiety and stress, I've found calm.com somewhat helpful recently, although not helpful enough to pay for membership. But on the writing, I get how you feel, I really do. There's this stupid place I find myself in, where I want to write, but I don't, because I haven't written, and the fact that I haven't written, makes me feel like I can't write, and then I can't write, because I feel like I can't write... and the more it bothers me the less I write, and the less I write the more it bothers me. It's this vicious cycle and it just kinda sucks all round.
Anyways, nice to see you back. :) I enjoyed your company, and I'm sure I will again.
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I actually use the Calm app on my phone for meditation purposes, though I don't pay for the sub, either. Bit pricey, that. Still, Tamara's voice is soothing, and the crackle of a fireplace in the background helps shift me into a better frame of mind.
Something that helped me shake off the anxiety weight and start iterating on Two Mares again was an older Extra Credits video called "Fail Faster". It's not very far a leap from game design to writing. It doesn't matter if the idea is crap, just get it on paper - I can fix it later, and even if I can't, I can still learn from it. "Your ideas can't be precious. Your ego can't need protecting. The only thing that matters is the
game you shipstory you publish, not any of the steps along the way." Sage advice, I think.Plus, the outro music is siiiiick.
It's good to be back. And I see that Radio Writeoff has a Youtube presence now!
Subbed. I have a lot of catching up to do.