My Little Pony the Movie: Opinion · 2:03pm Oct 4th, 2017
Hey everyone, Thule117 here. How's everybody doing tonight good? Good. Say, I just got finished watching My Little Pony The Movie, and all I can think of to say is: WHO IN THE 9 SHADES OF FUCK WROTE THIS GARBAGE!!? Seriously, it was like watching a visual checklist of tired disney movie tropes done by inept hacks!
The plot was predictable, most of the jokes fell flat, and the villains were one dimensional and just plain STUPID! It started out promising enough, Twilight throwing a festival and her fellow princesses and kingdom get attacked by what seems to be the pony version of genderswapped Kylo Ren with slightly less teenage angst. All the princesses get turned to crystal and we get a shot of Derpy Hooves doing the royal guards job for them as they all appear to be on vacation for some fucking reason.
Then however, everything starts going downhill when we meet the big boss villain. Who is a carbon copy of Hades from Disney's Hercules if he had all his competence and comedic timing surgically removed. Still I was willing to forgive that because I figured that there was no way he was the real threat. I was positive little miss second in command with extra daddy issues "Tempest" was gonna backstab him and in her own words "Show you all what I can really do." But nope, turns out the incompetent moron named after a World of Warcraft extra, was the real boss the whole time. ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME?!
Even putting aside the fact that edgelord Tempest's character was supposed to be rooted as a pony who trusted no one and looked out only for herself (i.e not a team player.). Every indication was that she was stronger, smarter, and more powerful than her boss. Add to that the fact that this "Storm King" character could not have been broadcasting his betrayal of Tempest any louder if he was holding up a neon sign saying as much, and I just lost respect for both of them. Yeah they tossed in the whole thing of the king claiming he could repair Tempests horn, but seriously would you believe a guy who acted like that? Plus her horn worked just fine from what I could see.
Then of course in Twilight's corner they journey to a heretofore unmentioned land filled with a variety of sentient races THAT HAVE NEVER EVEN BEEN MENTIONED IN THE SHOW! Oh, and, and, the first "Character" that Twilight and her friends meet is a dashing rogue who tricks them by pretending to be their friend to pay off a debt by selling them into slavery. Oh but it's ok he had a change of heart after they spent five minutes with him and gave him some brass buttons for his count of Monte Cristo cosplay cape. VEGETA, STARLIGHT GLIMMER, AND CHRYSALIS WOULD ALL LIKE TO TESTIFY THAT IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!
However even more to the point, is that this character (I honestly can't even remember his name he was so cookie cutter.) was so predictable I knew what would happen TWO SECONDS AFTER HE WAS INTRODUCED! Then moving on swiftly (with the writers no doubt praying to god none of us would notice their lack of anything resembling talent.) Twilight meets a bunch of former pirates who are all in servitude to the storm king. . . SERIOUSLY?!
How in the steaming crosseyed fuck did that happen?! No, really, how?! I ask because the whole POINT of pirates is that they make a habit of resisting any form of control or authority. I get that the intent was to pave the way for the mane 6 to help female, anthropomorphic parrot, Jack Sparrow get her groove back. But come on! A ruthless, mentally unstable, dictator isn't going to use the pirates he caught to haul freight! He's gonna execute them to get in good with the locals under the guise of bringing law and order, or because he gets off on that shit, whichever.
Then of course there is the absolute icing on the cake. Twilight, dear sweet princess of awkward nerds, obsessed with rules, ever the voice of reason in the face of adversity (mostly), Twilight. USES HER FRIENDS GOOD INTENTIONS AS A DISTRACTION, TO STEAL A MAGIC ARTIFACT FROM A RACE WHOSE WHOLE SURVIVAL STRATEGY REVOLVES AROUND SAID ARTIFACT!
I consider myself a reasonable man. I can forgive poor writing. I can forgive poor character design. I can forgive poor jokes. And I can even forgive squandered villainous potential. But Hasbro. . . for forcing my favorite pony to act like the complete opposite of her character type. . . I WILL EAT YOUR GODDAMN CHILDREN'S LIVERS FOR THAT!! DO YOU HEAR ME HASBRO!? THOU SHALT KNOW THY FOLLY UPON THE COMING DAWN! WHEN FROM THE EAST, MY WRATH SHALL FALL FROM THE HEAVENS, AND ONLY WHEN THOU ART SURROUNDED BY THE RUIN OF THY HUBRIS! SHALL I GRANT THEE THE MERCIFUL KISS OF OBLIVION! See how easy this is I just made that up!
Look I know this is a show designed for kids, and that I'm taking this way too seriously. But even so I know the writers of MLP can do better than this, because they've done it before. On innumerable occasions I have seen the MLP writers take tired storylines and make them fresh and interesting. And think about it. They have created a show with a premise that on the surface sounds (let's be honest) both patently ridiculous, and sickeningly sweet enough to give the whole planet diabetes.
Yet through the incredible talent of their writing and vision, this has become a show that now has millions of rabid fans of all ages and genders across the world. Yet when they create an official movie for that series (Equestria Girls doesn't count shut up.) this is the best they can do? Unoriginal storytelling, tired cookie cutter character archetypes, and villains that are about as scary and interesting as a dissertation on candle wax?!
I'll be honest, I hope that somehow they see fit to declare this movie non canon (assuming they didn't do so the instant they got over the hangover that no doubt followed them writing this mess.) and try again with a blank slate. Or heck, don't try again, MLP does not, and never will, need a movie deal to make it awesome. Stick to what you're good at and don't mess with success Hasbro.
Oh and if it's not too much trouble, I would consider it a personal favor to me if you would kill Flash Sentry. I kinda have this whole psycho stalker crush going on with Twilight and I. . . you know what never mind the reason! JUST KILL THAT FUCKER!
Thule117.
P.S I know I could go a lot more in depth with this rant. But if I don't stop here I am going to put my computer through a window.
P.P.S I also will acknowledge that the movie's animations were stunning and one or two of the songs was ok.
P.P.P.S I am severely tempted to write a spinoff to my current fanfic in which the main character obliterates the Storm king, his army, and Pony Ren in spectacularly bloody fashion.
...... I couldn't have said it better myself.
Apparently outsourced to EQG screenwriters.
I assure you, there are more than nine.
Honestly, I've made it a point to stop going out to see movies, since apparently the modern concept of a good movie is one that panders to what the audience (supposedly) wants instead of telling a story. There's just no love anymore.
Good job posting a spoiler ridden rant before the official release date. Probably pirated but who knows, just save the rant for when others can form their own opinion first, eh?
Well knowing hasbro they will just push all the movie junk in the series anyway
Yeah... I'd like to see Derran do that. (Yes, I have read all of that story thus far. Good work BTW)
"P.P.P.S I am severely tempted to write a spinoff to my current fanfic in which the main character obliterates the Storm king, his army, and Pony Ren in spectacularly bloody fashion."
Spectacularly bloody fashion like in brutal DooM? (the mod is called brutal doom)
Ah, a fellow person who's seen the leak.
I enjoyed it, a lot actually, but I blame my gigantic ponyfaggotry bias for that.
Still tho, I enjoyed it... a lot... and that's the important part.
I didn't go into it expecting some grand super serious awesome epic story that would in any way make people go "oh wow". This is MLP and Hasbro and we've seen the show, expect the same for the movie. I'm gladly a "brainless watcher" so it takes a seriously bad movie for me to get upsetti spaghetti.
The movie was just an extended season finale. It's main point seemed to be exploring the world (which is fucking awesome and something that the damn show should do instead of giving us idiotic episodes about karting (I'm so pissed off at that episode)), and it succeeded at the exploration quite amazingly. Otherwise we just had a bit more edge to the usual stuff.
Another problem was that they only had the classic 100-minutes-or-so to accomplish the entire thing thanks to majority of children having ADD apparently and not being able to sit down for longer, but hey that's how it works so whatever.
Back to the main point. The movie was, and still is enjoyable. Most likely so for the majority who aren't too prone to writing more than a tweet about the movie. Could it have been better? Yeah sure, but it's good enough as it is.
In personal opinion, the movie should've been spread to a trilogy, then given much much more detail and time to actually make a plot that might even satisfy the... "less entertained" watchers.
I put too much time into this.
Movie was funni, will be watching it again soon, will buy when it comes out to support the blokes who made it.
Man, can you imagine if they'd put the writing effort of the current season finale into the movie? The animation was class, and the songs were pretty good (not the best ever, but meh). It's like they didn't really mind pushing the current universe aside to make a standalone story. Not that I mind, because I don't want the characters anywhere near the show (Tempest was cool, but I don't see her fitting into the official canon without a shoehorn).
Don't get me wrong, it was a fun movie as a standalone goof, but it fell flat of it's potential to expand on a universe that could cross over to the show. Then again, we're not exactly the target audience, are we? They seemed to be thinking with the merchandising side of the brain.