Paul's Thursday Reviews LXXXVIII · 9:49pm Sep 28th, 2017
I hate editing.
I spent two or three days working on the Derp edits this week. It's been an unusually frustrating story, and I'll be glad to put it behind me. But not yet. I have to decide on whether or not I'm going to rewrite huge chunks of it to deal with a 'problem.' If I do decide to deal with it, I then I have to figure out how to deal with it and what specifically needs to be rewritten. I've never had to go back and redo so much of a story, and I'm still not convinced it's worth it. The story's already 'good', at least I think so, and I'm not sure the rewrites will truly improve upon the overall story.
I want it to be as good as it can be.
But I don't want to waste days of potential writing time fixing up something that may only have a minimal impact on the story's overall quality. The longer I work on this, the longer Bulletproof Heart goes untouched.
Ugh. I hate editing.
Let's do some reviews, instead.
Stories for This Week:
Bonafide by Sharp Spark
Gravestones by NeverEatTheLemonsAlone
Applejack and the Garden of Eden by Oroboro
Not Unless You Mean It by Donnys Boy
I want to be a mother... NOW!" by Dr Atlas
Total Word Count: 40,368
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 2
Worth It: 3
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
Bonafide
11,111 Words
By Sharp Spark
Well, that was… interesting.
In this story, we learn that the Bon Bon living in Ponyville and dating Lyra Heartstrings is actually a changeling. When the unawares Lyra makes it big and talks about her romantic partner in a national magazine, though, the real Bon Bon shows up demanding answers.
This story throws me off in a lot of ways. The pacing felt a little too fast, like Sharp Spark is skipping all the necessary plot development in favor of jumping straight to the ‘good stuff’. Thing is, I don’t think I can say this was a bad decision. It felt odd, sure, but not in a way that seemed wrong. All the information is there, it just flies past. I don’t know, maybe if the author had slowed down to really let us get used to his rendition of the characters I’d feel more comfortable about it.
Much of my reaction is mixed, but there’s one thing I legitimately didn’t care for. Why is the epilogue… well, why is it called an epilogue? It’s not an epilogue at all. You don’t put the final, major confrontation of the story in an epilogue.
But I digress. I think this is a story that people will have to read for themselves to gauge, because I’m having too much trouble putting a finger on my reaction to it. I don’t dislike it, but I’m also not crazy about it. The overarching style just throws me off.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Preview stories reviewed for this author:
80 Days: Under the Waves — Pretty Good
Do Changelings Dream of Twinkling Stars? — WHYRTY?
The Good, the Bad, and the Ponies — Pretty Good
Gravestones
1,703 Words
By NeverEatTheLemonsAlone
I’m not sure what drew me to this story. It’s so obviously “immortality sucks” bait, which is not something I’m all that interested in exploring anymore.
Except… it’s not quite that, now is it?
It’s hard to put a finger on what exactly Gravestones is as a story. Sad, surely. Slice of life, perhaps. But immortality sucks? Similar, but not quite. The brief story involves Celestia and Luna visiting the gravestones of four friends they’d known back in Discord’s age, just for the sake of doing so. The visit hits Celestia a lot harder than it does Luna.
So what did the author intend with this one? Maybe it’s an introduction to an alternate universe. Perhaps the author wanted to do some worldbuilding. Or it could be the author just felt like writing a short sadfic. Hard to say. Whatever the case, the story starts, says what it wants to say, and ends. Simple and to the point.
The story is a bit melodramatic, with descriptions that are pushing the edge of purple prose. It also loses some points for the “I’m not gonna name the characters in this story for the first half because it’s a mystery just don’t look at the cover art”. The end result is that the story is moderately good but doesn’t seem to achieve anything.
At the very least, it has raised my curiosity, and I intend to read its side story soon-ish. Perhaps further exploration will yield more pleasing results.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Applejack and the Garden of Eden
3,898 Words
By Oroboro
Recommended by Pascoite
That was not at all what the cover art and description led me to expect.
In this one, we start with Apple Bloom headed to Sugarcube Corner to fetch her sister after a minor family issue comes up. Unfortunately, Applejack is totally smashed thanks to a wild Pinkie Party and one too many drinking-related bets with Rainbow Dash. And so AB finds herself in the unpleasant situation of half-walking, half-dragging her barely coherent sibling home.
You’ll note I didn’t say anything about creation mythology in that summary. That’s because the story is 2/3s over before said creation story even gets mentioned. Way to drag things out, Oroboro.
That being said, the majority of this story is admittedly amusing, and all of it is endearing. Getting to see Applejack drunk – believably – left plenty of chuckle opportunities, especially when she finally gets around to the creation story. What’s far more interesting to me, however, is Oroboro’s depiction of Apple Bloom. I loved that she possesses all the same no-nonsense, practical manners of her sister. In a way, this entire story was nothing more than the horseshoe being on the other hoof for a change, and that is a big part of its charm. Scootaloo may be Best Filly, but stories like this remind us that AB’s got her own great traits.
Then there is, of course, the reason behind Applejack’s story, which takes the whole thing and turns it on its head. Throwing in a bit of d’awww to finish everything off, it’s a fine way to conclude what would otherwise be one big bag of drunken nonsense.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Not Unless You Mean It
21,035 Words
By Donnys Boy
Requested by SleepIsforTheWeak
We’re going back in time for this one, folks. Way back. Like, early Season 2 back.
In Not Unless You Mean It, we find that Pinkie has a crush on Rainbow, and everypony knows it. Yes, including Rainbow, who is desperately trying to convince herself that she doesn’t reciprocate the attention. But after getting overly drunk at one of Pinkie Pie’s parties, she says something cruelly insensitive on the matter, and suddenly her entire week is doomed to visits with friends determined to let her know just how badly she’s screwed up.
I like the author’s approach in this one. Rainbow’s characterization is pleasantly Season 2 (not that Hasbro’s bothered to let her grow since then), being as impulsive as ever and almost completely incapable of thinking before she acts. There’s also the steady stream of hints, especially early on in the story, indicating the things that Rainbow likes about Pinkie, all provided without ever outright telling us these things. Pinkie’s reasons are unclear, but since we don’t get anything from her perspective and there is no clichéd “this is what I love about you” speech, I think that’s okay.
Also, and this is much harder to explain, the overall style of the writing feels… simple. I don’t want to say amateur, because that’s not the feeling I’m getting. The point is, the style is suitable to the chosen perspective. After all, I doubt many people would call Rainbow’s thought processes complex, especially in the early seasons.
There are a few road bumps. The occasional LUS, a few minor event contradictions, that sort of thing. The roughest part of the story for me came when the Mane 6 end up going into the Everfree Forest for some mission for Celestia. There’s nothing wrong with them doing that, it’s just that the introduction to that chapter felt needlessly rushed, especially considering the dramatic shift in tone it has from the rest of the story. It could use some smoothing out.
Then there was Twilight’s over-emphasis of the importance of the Elements of Harmony. Don’t get me wrong, I do think they’re important, but to hear Twilight talk, without them Equestria is imminently doomed. She apparently thinks that if any of the Mane 6’s friendships become strained, that’s it, Equestria will enter an age of darkness with no chance for salvation. Just because two ponies became a little less friendly.
...so how did Equestria survive for 1,000 years without them?
But ignoring those two issues, this is a well-paced, believable tale about a budding romance. It hits all the right notes without relying on tropes we all know. It features great Rainbow Dash characterization throughout. And despite the minor slip ups, it shows a great awareness and ability on the author’s part to relate in-show events to the story. Not bad for the author’s very first story on the site.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Preview stories reviewed for this author:
The Color of Dreams — WHYRTY?
"I want to be a mother... NOW!"
2,502 Words
By DR Atlas
Sequel to "I want to be an uncle... THAT'S AN ORDER, PRIVATE!"
Ah, at last, we get to the end of this silly trilogy. In “I want to be an uncle… THAT’S AN ORDER, PRIVATE!”, Shining Armor instructed Flash Sentry to get it on with his sister. Recognizing how ridiculous this is, Flash tried to get Cadance to help him get out of it in “I want to be an aunt… pretty please.” When this fails, Flash finds himself at Twilight’s door and wishing he could be anywhere else. Anywhere at all.
At last confirming that the entire Sparkle Family is crazy, this story is no less silly than its counterparts. This time it’s a horny Twilight confident that Flash is in denial or outright lying. Watching Princess Booky try to be seductive was more amusing than I anticipated.
The writing is still full of copious issues, although not as many as in the preceding stories, and the whole thing remains largely pointless. Still, if you’re up for some uncharacteristic behavior and ridiculousness, it’s not a bad read. I’d suggest going through all three stories quick, it’ll undoubtedly work better that way.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Preview stories reviewed for this author:
"I want to be an aunt... pretty please." — Needs Work
"I want to be an uncle... THAT'S AN ORDER, PRIVATE!" — Worth It
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Paul's Thursday Reviews XCIII
If you hate editing, buddy, get some editors that enjoy editing. I like editing. I could lend you a hoof.
Most of the time I forget that I even wrote that story.
Still, I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the review!
Man, "Applejack and the Garden of Eden." I liked that story, but it was a really frustrating read because it's on the edge of being so much better. Here was the issue for me: Apple Bloom has virtually no reaction to Applejack's revelation that she's worried she hasn't been a good mother. Given that Apple Bloom clearly has been through walking a drunk sister home many times before, I expect she's had this conversation multiple times. Yet I can't gauge at all how Apple Bloom feels about it. I would figure she'd have one of two reactions:
1) She's never actually heard this before, and it surprises her.
2) It comes up every time, and Apple Bloom is either patiently willing to help her sister out or annoyed. In any case, she'd react like this is old news.
But we get virtually nothing. And knowing that her sister both has this deep-seated fear and never remembers her ramblings in the morning, Apple Bloom just keeps quiet about it. Even a small word of comfort the next day would mean a lot to Applejack, especially if she didn't remember the previous night, because then it would seem like a completely unprompted response and mean that much more. We wouldn't even have to get a scene of her doing it; even stating her intent to do so would carry the sentiment. It would literally take a couple of sentences to do all that, but Apple Bloom remains stoic and comes across as rather callous because of that. And even if being callous was intended, it's almost too subtle, as the narrative tone doesn't really create that effect.
I tried explaining that several times, but I must not have done a good job, because it seemed like the author was trying to address it, but he could never quite get there.
4681078
But that's exactly the problem. He has editors. And they're a pain in the ass.
Perhaps I should write a new story for you to review, expect with bigger and better semi colons.
4681096
No, no, no. If the author fails to act upon your consul, it's not that you failed, it's that they're an idiot.
4681078
4681096
To be honest, I think it's more that I'm a pain in the ass.
4681086
You are most welcome! The question now is what to put in my RiL next?
4681106
The semi colons can only get bigger and better, at least until the semi colonoscopy is required.
4681096
4681132
Hey, I'm right here!
Applejack and the Garden of Eden is something I wrote rather early in my writing career. I didn't know how to properly implement the suggested changes.
More importantly though, my general policy is to not change anything after I publish it, other than fixing small typos. I won't go back and add new scenes or dialogue or anything. Once I hit the submit button, I'm done. If the story is subpar at that point, oh well. I'll do better with the next one.
Anyway, if you want more stories of mine to read, Paul, you could go over the entirety of the Sunset Shipping Project. =P
Or maybe my most recent story, Next Time. Deciding to go Mature for that story has left it my least popular story of all time, which is still kind of a sore point for me.
Man, that exclamation point really helps out. :D
4681140
You and me share the same policy when it comes to editing after publication. glad to see I'm not alone in that mindset.
Also, it turns out I have had At the Heart of the Blizzard in my RiL for a while. Dunno how long it'll be before I get to it, though.
4681147
Yeah, yeah, don't let it go to your head.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD
So...I was going to ask if you would be willing to edit a clopfic I wrote...and then this is the first thing I see when I click on your page.
I'll be going now.
4681747
Sorry to disappoint, but even if that wasn't the case, I also don't do clopfics. I kinda prefer to keep my good name as far away from them as possible.
...
And now I fully expect someone to write a clopfic that has my name in big, obvious letters every three or four paragraphs, just because.
4681781
...If I didn't have other projects...
just kidding.