So Tired · 4:55am Sep 13th, 2017
So I was sitting on the couch, listening to music. And I was scrolling through my social media, when I started going through the guy I liked, the one who likes another girl that I tried being friends with, photos. He's almost always out with friends and doing something fun. It's obvious I envy him, and most of his friends for it. I barely leave my house but twice a week. And that's only to go to the store and church. Anyway, I noticed one of the pictures had a girl in it that I met a year ago. I've only seen her like one time since, but she seemed nice. I suddenly remembered telling her that I had a crush on the boy at the time I was crazy over him, and she seemed surprised. Not only that, but she seemed like she was hiding something. I asked why she reacted in such a surprised and seemingly mysterious manner, but she said it was nothing. Looking back, it's possible she may have liked him herself. And who knows, maybe it's the girl he likes now. Maybe she always liked him and just didn't want to tell me. Or perhaps she knew he liked someone else at that time and didn't want to hurt my feelings. Either way, it made me kind of suspicious and hurt slightly.
Then along with what I said about having talked to the boy and trying to be his friend now, he barely replies. He hardly has anything to say when he replies and he doesn't do it often. Usually only when I send another message a couple days later. He hasn't replied to my last message in three days. And I'm gonna leave it that way till he replies. Assuming he ever does. It's just proof he really doesn't care. He's got time for his precious friends, and I'm sure his crush, but not me. I'm just that annoying person that keeps wanting his attention. And throws her sob story of a life in him. Nothing more, nothing less.
Then I started thinking about the kid I can't talk to anymore. Talking to him improved my mood, helped me sleep, and just in general made me happier. Now I'm seemingly back to square one. Being tired and sad most of the time. Just pretending I'm not.
I also started thinking about some of the things my mom used to say to me. Emotionally and mentally abusive stuff. You know, like that I'd get fat from eating too much. That I should consider breast reduction surgery when I was only 11. Saying I'm stupid, a waste of time, getting me in trouble for stupid stuff, etc. And then when I tried going to others for help they wouldn't believe me because she lied to them so much about me and the rest of the family.
Thinking about all those thing finally just made me break down crying. Even if it was only for a few seconds. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of all the problems I've been having. I'm so tired of being stressed from school work. I'm so tired of pretending I have friends because I barely have any real ones. I'm so tired of not having anyone to talk to. Genuinely talk to. I'm tired of losing those people. I'm so tired of everyone throwing away my feelings and opinions like they're garbage. I'm so tired of everyone else's lives meaning more than my own. I'm just so tired of everything and everyone. Sometimes I just wanna go to sleep and never wake up. Cliche and dark as it sounds, it's true. I'm emotionally and mentally drained but nobody notices or cares. I just have to keep plastering a fake smile on my face and acting like everything is fine. Even though on the inside, I'm completely destroyed. And there's no fixing it.
Oh, hey. You're back.
Can we talk, I need to say a few important things to you via PM.
4666990
I guess
I don't come here or on fim much either but i've never had a person tell me that I've never talked them off a ledge or made their day a little brighter. I devote myself to others and i am always fully up for talking to anyone, i may be silly on occasion but i am a genuine person to talk to if you ever need an ear.
4668015
Thanks, I appreciate it. Sure seems like everybody else could care less about talking to me. By Saturday it'll have been a week since my ex crush texted me back. He's too busy finishing up school, hanging with his friends, probably hanging and talking with his crush, to care about me. I'm obviously just a nuisance to him.