• Member Since 11th Apr, 2012
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Bad Horse

Sufficiently advanced friendship is indistinguishable from magic.

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Share a Smile! Also, the worst dump I ever took. · 9:57pm Sep 12th, 2017

Crystal Wishes did a thing, as pones do. As an old curmudgeon, I'm obligated to hate these things, but I have some people to thank, so... this time. :trixieshiftleft:

The genealogy of this smile is:
Crystal Wishes -> Undome Tinwe -> Bad Horse

Feel free to extend this if you write your own post. No, that doesn't mean you can call me daddy, yamgoth.

I never thanked the ponies who put probably more hours than you suspect into preparing "And That's How Equestria Was Made!" for Bronycon: Applejinx, Blagdaross, GaPJaxie, bookplayer, horizon, and of course the inevitable MaskedFerret. I was a relentless slave driver, except for the sessions I forgot to show up for. So, to you guys: It was all just a ploy to get you to make fools of yourselves on stage. Thanks! I really enjoyed it.

I got a special gift from Countesscookie, who makes art (and had a vendor stall at Bronycon), for no other reason than that she likes my stories. I hung it on the wall, and it clashes with my decor, but I don't care, because it reminds me that my stories mattered enough to someone that they made a thing for me so maybe I'm not completely worthless.

Here it is posing with some kinda... flowers outside my house, because the reflective glass on it defeated my attempts to photograph it indoors:

And now, a public service announcement

Don't eat beef tallow.

When I was a kid, we didn't have snack food in the house and we weren't allowed to eat between meals. So if I got hungry, I would eat my dog's Liv-a-Snaps. I especially liked the charcoal-flavored ones.

I haven't seen Liv-a-Snaps in years, though. I thought they didn't make them anymore. A week ago, when I saw "Alpo Snaps" with the distinctive Liv-a-Snaps design (six indented circles with SNAPS between them), I bought a 2-pound box.

They didn't taste like Liv-a-Snaps. The first 2 listed ingredients were wheat flour and beef tallow. Huh. I couldn't remember ever seeing that in an ingredients list before.

A few days later, when I realized I couldn't crap anymore, I remembered that "tallow" means "animal wax". It's what people made candles out of when they couldn't get beeswax.

Let us review some facts about anatomy. Here is a diagram of a dog's digestive system. I've schematized it slightly to conform to fimfiction's NSFW rules:

Now compare this schematic of my digestive system:

And here are some fun facts involving beef tallow:

My body temperature: 97 F
A dog's body temperature: 102 F
Temperature at which beef tallow melts: ~107 F

I've eaten animal food and used animal drugs more than a few times to save money and circumvent stupid laws, and I like to think I'm mindful of the risks. But it had never occurred to me to worry whether my intestines were short enough and warm enough to pass dog food. I realized that in this case they were not when I had to excavate a 5-inch-long green-and-white candle from my ass. There was blood, and pain, and beef tallow.

Don't eat beef tallow. :pinkiesick:

Report Bad Horse · 981 views · #Share a Smile #poop
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Comments ( 34 )

amazing story

wish I had thought of it!!

Reading part 1 of this blog post, I was all like

But then,


Bad Horse, jesus christ. Jesus christ.

You have had the strangest and most catastrophic encounters with weird sort of food recently. Should we be worried?

Don't quote me:

But I believe Hostess Fruit Pies are still often fried in beef tallow. But I'm not quite certain what the difference is between tallow, suet, and just plain fat when cows interiors are concerned...


4666631 Yeah, isn't this the sort of thing that's supposed to happen to you? :duck:

Be grateful, at least you didn't have a vindaloo the next night. Having a vindaloo trapped in you for a few days would not be good for anyone.

I have no words.

They should have sent a bard. . .

They do put not intended for human consumption on the label for a reason mate

Bad Horse are you sure you're in a place to sass me when you just excavated a 5-inch-long green-and-white candle outta your ass.

Site Blogger

You are an odd duck, Bad Horse.

Do you have an Etsy store for your ass candles yet? I'll take a dozen.

Author Interviewer

Bad Horse

What in the fuck

There are some childhood joys that should remain in childhood. D:

Might I suggest that you eat them with a side of string next time?

Or not.

He's been trying to wax poetic. On the plus side Im sure his intestines have come out of this absolutely baby smooth hairless.

Live and learn, I guess? :rainbowderp:

And McDonald's used to use primarily beef tallow for its fries (then they moved to all vegetable oil with animal-derived flavor additives, before removing the flavor additives after vegetarians found out that one of their few vegetarian menu items... technically wasn't). I think beef tallow is generally accepted as the kind of thing that's fine to eat, as long as you don't have too much of it. Kind of like fiber supplements.


I mean... he's not wrong.

I'm just going to have to start sending you boxes of cheezits and, like, captain crunch aren't I?

4666688 4666636 I think "tallow" isn't a thing you find in a cow and can say "That's tallow there", but what you call rendered fat if it's been rendered in a way that gives it a high melting point. So it isn't all the same.

Aha! This box does not say "not intended for human consumption" anywhere! Not under the picture of a dog, nor under the word "DOG TREATS", nor under FEEDING INSTRUCTIONS (I quote: "Feed as a treat to your adult dog.").

In America, that's grounds for a lawsuit. :trixieshiftright:

You and King of Town should get together and go bowling

So uhh, the genealogy comment is only about the smile, right? Not the second half? Because I'm not sure if sharing a smile is worth the internal trauma.


I buy a cow every year. Already butchered, but only for convenience. I've butchered my own animals, but my current kitchen isn't really set up for it.

Anyway, many of the folks who buy cows from the same place don't want the suet. Suet is the subcutaneous and organ fat from a cow. Well, we render that into tallow.

Tallow is the pure fat of a cow, just like lard is the pure fat from a pig.

I eat a LOT of tallow. Like, more than a whole cow's worth in a year. Personally. Not whole household. I don't have any problems like you seem to. Of course, I am also on a grain-free diet due to gluten issues and a corn allergy.

I resolved a lot of allergy and autoimmune issues when I went grain-free, though that includes 100% grass-fed meat, as I have an allergic reaction if I eat corn-fed beef. No more throat swelling shut, no more unexplained rashes on my joints, no more strange joint pain.



See my reply above about the difference.

I can't help but notice that you've juxtaposed one subject against the other, in this blog post... :trixieshiftright:

4666673 Having a large-family history filled with many pet dogs, I was thinking that crayons might provide some more color to this tale.


If not then, when?

4666938 4666746 4666630 I can't resist juxtaposition. Perhaps it would have been more gracious to write 2 separate posts. :fluttershysad:

Malcom Gladwell devoted an entire podcast episode to rant against McDonald's for switching away from beef tallow: http://revisionisthistory.com/episodes/19-mcdonalds-broke-my-heart
It's kinda glorious how worked up and passionate he gets about it.

Maybe my problem was the mixture of tallow and fiber. I don't think all tallow is the same, though--seems to depend on how the fat chains get modified during rendering.

Huh, he's on to that again? I listened to the whole first season, which was amazing.

Horse, thank you in return! It was a strange, sometimes frustrating, ultimately elucidating journey, and by God we went on stage and did the thing :ajsmug: you remain the single person I've worked with as a panelist liaison who put the most effort into scheduling rehearsals (always what you want to see) and it was a real experience.

And anything which leads to me and Pen Stroke on a stage attempting to improvise rhymes (as 'Rarity who drank too much of the striped paint' and 'Zecora', respectively) is something more than a bit out of the dull and ordinary. :raritystarry:

Don't make candles that silly way, and hurrah for goals accomplished! It really, truly worked and attendees had fun :raritywink:

There is a "light at the end of the tunnel" joke there somewhere...

I love you, Bad Horse, but... what the Hell is wrong with you?!


No, because I see what you did there: you didn't want your whole post to be upbeat and cheerful because you thought it would look like you were losing your edge. So you finished with something disgusting for people to think about.:trixieshiftleft:

It's not easy having yourself a good time... :pinkiecrazy:

4667275 Entirely true.

And you only point it out because you're jealous of my Rarity. :ajsmug:

I'm... glad you learned a lesson? I mean if you add a wick you're prepared for when the power goes out...

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