I’m not much of a writer, not skilled at all, but this was really fun to write with the Barcast. I hope you all like it as I do.
Fuck it. · 8:43am Aug 30th, 2017
I try to be a good person. I try to make others happy. I try to live my life well, and be stay alive.
I act normal. Happy, even. I keep my emotions in most of the time. It's for the best. Nobody should have to waste their time or get upset because of me. I'm not worth it.
Though it's impossible to keep it in forever. Eventually... They all just come out. When it's too hard.
What am I rambling on about? I don't know.
You could ask me what I'm doing with my life and you'd get the same answer. I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
My life is pointless. Every day is a repeat. Full of pain. It never stops. It never ends. Everything in life kicks me down constantly, to the point where I don't even have enough time to pick myself up again. I never get anything done as a result. Don't do any good.
By now, I just let my depression hurt me. I don't even try to fight against it. I've lost all hope. Life ain't important to me anymore. I fucking hate it. I'm just a suicidal little bitch. Reason I'm still alive? Guilt. I know multiple people who'd miss me a lot. I couldn't put them through that. So I continue to live through this never ending pain.
I don't want this. I never did.
What do I want?
I want it to end.
What's even worse than not being able to end the pain permanently? I only have enough alcohol left for one last drink. When I need so many more. I'm running out of options. I don't know what to do. I'm weak. I can't continue to live through this.
Why am I even posting this? I shouldn't be.
I'm a failure. A miserable and worthless little thing. I don't matter. I don't do anything. I don't deserve happiness. I hate myself, just like everyone else does.
I'll remove this tomorrow evening, when I wake up.
Sorry for making this so messy. I'm tired. I don't know what I'm doing.
That's all, I guess. I'm not going to go kill myself, tempting as it is, don't worry.
Let's see if I'll end up hitting the 'post blog entry' button.
You are NOT a failure, but a person with a good heart! I enoyed both your stories, they are well made
4652619
I try to be a person with a good heart, but fail at that, among many other things. But, thank you.
4652623
In my opinion, you don't fail at that, your stories show it, your story with Dinky and Scoots is the perfect example. We all fail at something, nobody is perfect after all.
YOU ARE A GOOD HEARTED PERSON!
You are not a failure!
Others might not appreciate your work, but there are those that do. I am one of them.
We might not have met person to person, but you aren't some random pony.
Can I give you a virtual hug? You seem to need a hug.
I think you are an awesome person, if it counts. Keep on being amazing. Many hugs and snuggles to you.
I like you your funny and kind.
Oh, Randome. There isn't much for me to say that I haven't tried to say before. There are just four things that I want to point out.
Firstly, you call yourself worthless, but you also acknowledge that many people would miss you a lot. By that standard, you can't be worthless.
Secondly, you say that you fail at being a good person with a good heart, but there are many people (myself included) who can and will assure you that you are indeed a good person with a good heart. I mean, look at you. You want everyone else to be happy and that's the very reason you won't commit suicide. How can you possibly think you've failed at being a good person with a good heart?
Thirdly, you say you hate yourself like everyone else does, but look at us. Look at me. Let me ask you something: Would I get on Discord every night just to talk to you if I hated you? Would I be typing this comment right now if I hated you? Would I tell you I love you if I hated you? Use your common sense, Randome. People adore you. Yeah, there's people that hate you, but is it fair to condemn everyone for how those people feel?
Fourthly, you say that you keep your emotions locked in so that no one has to waste their time or get upset because of you, but what about me? I lose control of my emotions and lash out a lot. I always talk about when I'm depressed and what bothers me. And I've ended up hurting people because of it, you included. But am I a bad person? Do you think I'm wasting people's time? Do you think I should be ashamed of making people upset with my rambles? You can't say it's different with me because it isn't.
4652623
Yes, you have failed. But that's the step to success! Some people get what they want quicker than others; others stumble and keep stumbling, like late bloomers. But neither group should give in or feel ashamed of failure or transgression because if failure didn't exist in this world success wouldn't feel as satisfying.
To win, one has to lose!
Hi, randome. Remember me?
I don't know if you want my two cents cause you haven't (exactly) responded to my past comments/posts. But I needed to drop in and tell you some things. First, I for one like you. I certainly don't hate you.
I mean, you're on my list of friends here on the site for pete's sake!
Second, I can't tell you how to live your life but I doubt you'll find the long term solace you seek at the bottom of a bottle. Maybe I'm just saying this cause i know two former alcoholic's experiences. I'm not saying that you are one of them of course...just concerned about where the path could lead you. (you said you needed a lot more of it)
Third, have you tried seeking God? Don't know your stance on this but being a Christian myself it is my hope that everyone come to be saved. I actually do care bout' the average joe's salvation. That includes you.
Still reading?...Don't know if by this point you still like me at all. But-
I'm not gonna just talk to you with suggestions. As always, I will listen to you anytime/anywhere. I'll respond soon as I am able to. Yell at me about your problems if ya want. I won't mind, if that's the way you feel. You can vent, I won't get mad at you.
And you are certainly not worthless. You have much value! And please don't ever think you are a failure!
I can only hope that you don't hate me for what I've said. And that me being here for you will help.
So, however you may feel, I shall still call you my friend!
-Wonderbolt (Rey)
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/3/37/Twilight_and_her_pony_friends_group_hug_EG2.png/revision/latest?cb=20141029012905
That's you, in the center. All snuggly and Surrounded by those who care about you.
Can't say there aren't any who do just by looking at this blog's comments alone.
I don't know what you want me to tell you. I know you're stronger than this, even if you don't realize it yourself.
Randome, there is so much I want to say. But I think I know the best way to start, for me at least. You can message me at anytime to talk about whatever you want, I will listen and respond. I won't get mad, I may get upset but not in that way, and I won't judge.
You say you are going through the motions of being kind, and nice doesn't make you a good person? Well, guess what. That is more than what some people do. That puts you ahead of all of those people, simply by going through the motions.
You act normal. But now I have to ask: what is normal? You are being you, and you should be. You are the best you that I know!
I would like to tell you a story from my childhood, or rather about it.
As a child I could be described in a few words; odd, and cold. There is a reason for that. Odd being that I was, and still am, an eccentric. Cold, because, well, I lacked emotion. The little that I had was cobbled with a complete lack of empathy (apathy). Now, as the years went on I would talk to more and more people. I would fake emotion here and there, those people thought I was nice, kind and caring. But it was an act. I didn't believe in it, so why did they? But, back to the story at hand.
Fast forward several years. I could now be described as: odd, often times outrageous, kind, compassionate, and odd (yes, twice). At that point I had developed the ability to feel, I started to see the world in a different light. The world was fresh, new, and far different. Not long after I feel into a depression. I worked through it on my own, didn't let anyone close enough to even know. Even my closest friends couldn't tell. The only people who knew where the people I decided to tell on a whim. During the day I was this kind, caring individual, but at night I would often cry myself to sleep. I would have ever changing thoughts, that I can say, scare me today. As time went on it got worse, but I was still being that kind individual simply because I didn't want anyone to see how badly I was hurting. To see that I didn't have it together. To be seen as weak. That I couldn't make it. That I was worthless.
It got to a point where I was tempted to break. Let it all out. But I kept going. And kept taking the pain. It was unbearable, yet I grinned my teeth and kept going. Eventually though it happened. At first it was small. When I didn't think anyone was looking my facade would drop. It was too much to bear, and at first the facade break wasn't noticed. But as time went on someone would eventually notice they did what they thought was good, "Are you okay?". I immediately would slip back into my facade and smile and say everything was fine, but I knew it was a lie. It slowly worked from there until the point where I would break down, with enough will power I could keep the facade up but it showed that I was breaking.
Anyway, to keep a long story short (and to not bore anyone). It is okay not to carry the weight. You can share it. If you offer, I will take as much as you can give me. I want to help you. Because I like you. Because you are here. Because you are alive, and you are you. If you want to just message me and ramble about nothing, or something, go ahead. You want to yell at me, I will take it. I want to help. Pain is only a feeling, drowning it might slow it down or numb it. But the thing that helps the most... is time, and friends.
You say you are a failure who is worthless. Look at all the people who came to offer their words and encouragements. Who are fighting against you, for you. If that isn't worth, then I must not know worth. But I think I do, and I think they do. Because I see people who see worth. Now, I can't say anything about failure, other than it being a measure one places on themselves. But I don't think you are.
4652619
It's much easier to write then to act like a good person. And, I just seem to fail at almost everything I try. I can't do anything right. So I don't even try anymore.
4652627
I don't know.
I am.
It's not really about my work. But more, about my life. Which I fucked up too much. I've failed at it, pretty much.
But, thank you.
4652632
But, thanks. It means a lot.
I'm not really.
4652653
I do try hard to be like that.
Thank you.
4652739
I just grow on people, thus why they'd miss me. It wouldn't take long for anyone to recover from losing me though.
It's only because I try so hard to be a good person. In reality, I'm not. Guilt is what's kept me alive.
Correction then. Most people.
It is different. We are two very different people, who express things differently.
But, thanks, Madness.
4652750
But for years, all I've done is fail. Haven't gotten anything right. Just repeated my mistakes and made new ones, which I've repeated if I've even tried again.
Thank you, though.
4652835
Yeah, I remember you. I don't forget people.
Can't see how you wouldn't hate me, but thanks. I'm glad you don't, and even consider me a friend.
I've been a drinker for years now. I know very well it isn't good, but how I've survived for so long.
Thanks, but I'm just not good at venting. Find it pretty hard, honestly.
I'll let the 'you're not worthless' comment slide by, but I am a failure. I've failed most things, and just kept on failing at them.
And I don't see how I could hate you because of this. It doesn't make sense. And I'm one to hate people when they're trying to help.
Also, thank you. I really appreciate everything.
4652886
Thank you, Jack.
4653359
You don't know how wrong you are, but there's no point in me trying to get you to understand that, is there?
You can message on Discord when you feel like it. I'll try to make you feel better.
4653359
Firstly, i know it wasn't directed at me but...
Not true, please don't undervalue yourself like that. I can't stress that enough. Don't think like that. The second you do, think on other things. Think positive thoughts... Never let yourself do that cause it'll be a chain reaction. Dwelling on those nasty thoughts certainly won't do you any good.
I'll be like Dory (just keep swimming) and tell you again and again that you are somebody who is worth fighting for..
I'll let you in on a secret...come close *whispers in your ear* Everyone has tasted failure, even me. Shocking, I know! But I stand by what I said. Failing doesn't make you worthless. The important thing is to keep trying. (lots of people say that but they do because it is true!)
^ Wow, look at all the emojis
4653359 You are very welcome, my friend. Keep on being the amazing person you are.
4652627
*gives Pinkie Pie level bear hug* you are a good person, it's not easy but it's clear you are giving it your all. I would do the whole 'who's a good pony? You are' routine but that may come off a cchildish. So *hugs*
4653359
There is something you can do right, end you shouldn't give up on that
*hugs* I know where you're coming from, years ago I thought I had it right. But come to find out all I was doing was going through the motions and taking abuse no one should have to take. But people do care about you, you are worth more than you know because you can still learn what you want to do.
keep ur chin up ur not a failure
Randome your an amzing person and I'm sure if you talk to the right people, they can help you. I think your a really great person, you were the first one that welcomed me to fimfiction. I'll never forget that. If you dont want to talk about it to anyone or private message someone, try to see everything there is to be happy about. Everyone loves your stories and I'm sure your someone some people can turn to when they need to. You DO have a big, kind, welcoming heart. You can deny it all you want but you really do.I think its cool just to know someone like you. I don't have a lot of freinds but I'll never forget that you made me feel welcomed and it was your stories that got me addicted to fimfiction. Your an amazing person and your stories are amazing too 💖
💜
Randome284, I'm a certified, trained personnel within the military that is able to handle depression, suicide, and sexual abuse. Please, and I highly recommend, contact me at any time (day or night) if you start to develop these sort of feelings again. I'm here to help and have done so in the past with others.
4653335
Thanks. I might take up on your offer sometime.
I guess. Still feel like a bad personal though.
Wow. I'm sorry you had to go through that alone.
And, thank you so much.
4653397
Can't just think about other things easily. Isn't something I'm capable of doing.
Sure, everyone fails at something. But I fail at everything. Can't remember the last thing I did right was.
Thanks. And, I couldn't hate you, or shut you out.
4653545
Thank you.
4653660
Easier said than done. I'm too weak to do that. I've basically given up at this point. But, thanks.
4653764
Thank you. But, I can't really see things to be happy about. For me, there's nothing. I'm just a depressed weirdo who can't see things to be happy about. Simple as that.
Honestly, I don't too too much about whether someone likes or dislikes my stories, at this point. And not everyone likes them.
But again, thank you.
4654761
I might take up on your offer sometime. Thank you, Nugget.
4654789
Please feel free to do so at anytime.
I like you, for you... and as my description says, since you are here, you are my friend.
4654789
I shared because I hope that hearing another story will help. I hope your days will be better.
Thank you, but it was a decision (a bad decision) to go through that alone. Help can be reached by just letting people in - those who like you will be the people trying to help. Those who try to tear you down, they don't. My offer will stand.
4654789
You're welcome.