Why Am I Doing This I'm Not a Real Reviewer (Part 1) · 7:45pm Jul 9th, 2017

Okay, so this is a thing that I figured I'd do because why not. I'm not a reviewer, but I'm a reader and a writer, so I thought I'd give a try and write a commentary/review on a story when I'm not working on my own. Because reasons. Because I can.

Favorable Alignment. my precious babbu of snark, words, and shipping is almost done. After that, there will be updates, and more. I have blogs for that. Don't worry. Sheesh. This isn't about FA or any of my other writing. This isn't even about my questionable mental state. You'll hear about my writing, don't worry. I'm not on hiatus. I haven't stopped. I'm just doing a thing.

This, you see, is about shipping. I like shipping. It's pretty fun, both to write and read about. Shit like that, y'know? Out of my silly little navy, I have plenty of things that I like to ship. Crackships. An OTP. Fun ships. Alternate ships. Ships, ships, ships. I've got some nOTPs too, but whatever about those.

One of the ships I like is Dislestia.

Wait, don't leave yet!

Yes, I like shipping it. I think it's cute and funny, and the art of it the same. It's always been cute to have around and just silly. There's good stories about it and then there aren't. There's other ships with those characters, some I like, and some I don't.

Fluttercord falls into the latter category. I don't really like the chemistry of the two in a romantic relationship, and other things I could spend an entire blog rambling about. One thing I really don't like about the ship is how it's pandered and how many of the fans I've seen are rabid and rude to the point of it being a swarm, then, it's not really fun. I mean, sheesh, for shipping a pony whose terrified of nearly everything and embodies kindness, many of the fans are quite the reverse: loud, rude, and in your face. It's really unpleasant, and it's to the point that it's become a staple to the identity of whoever ships this goddamn thing.

So I'm going to be reading the story that really gave this ship a boost. It's an S2 AU story written during S3, meant to take the place of 'Keep Calm and Flutter On'. I don't blame people for shipping this at all, I mean, as soon as Maud appeared and we saw her pet rock I knew I wanted to see a dozen Boulder/Tom stories. Didn't you?

Anyway, I'm sure you know the story. I'm familiar with some other stories (or maybe just one?) from the writer and many are familiar with the audio dramas of this story.

It's Bride of Discord, by DisneyFanatic23 and I shall be reading it all the way through. I have a little bit of knowledge of it because I could've sworn that I saw a couple episodes of the audio drama years ago. I'm certainly aware of reviews and things on it, so that and the heavily 'Beauty and the Beast' inspired plot aren't exactly hidden from me. I know what happens because myths and fairy tales aren't exactly things I'm oblivious to. Anybody whose read my writing knows about all the myths I like to reference and the mythos I've enjoyed building.

If any of that's wrong, sue me. Actually don't.

So, here I go. There will be spoilers for this story and entire excerpts. If you'd like to read it for yourself while I pick this apart, just go read it for yourself. It's probably a good idea, I mean nobody's gonna die, so why not just read a fanfiction? Also, I'm not sure how many chapters I'll be 'reviewing' (haha look I'm pretending I know what I'm doing) for each post, or how long it'll take for these posts to come out/when I'll have time/etc.

Please help.

EBride of Discord

Discord returns and will only relieve Equestria of his havoc in exchange for a bride.

DisneyFanatic23 · 65k words · 1,957 59 · 30k views

Chapter One: So This is a Thing

Discords's escape feels kind of glossed over when the Elements are talking to Celestia. It would have felt more natural if she had offered some kind of greater reassurance to Twilight other than just "casting a spell" on the Elements. She and Luna had faced him once before, so they would know something about him, and while this is an older story, Princess Celestia had fought at least three big bads known so far. She would have enough experience that more action - especially against a character like Discord, whose nature in here has yet to be known. I don't think he's a god/something like a god in here, but who knows.

"Good. Now, I will leave the Elements with you, so you will be ready when the time comes. But first, I will cast a spell protecting them, so Discord cannot take them again."

This rather cardboard role of Celestia seems to be a staple in Fluttercord fics, where she's easily cast aside to more extent than other bad writing trends. It's likely because she was seen as a rival - Dislestia predates Fluttercord - and the best way to get rid of your ship's rival is to, well, metaphorically toss 'em overboard and forget about them entirely, eh?

No, it's not. I'm not sure if that was DF's intent with the story's use of Celestia (and the other Princesses) thus far, but if you know that you have a rival ship for your smaller/rarer/competing ship - and whether you like that ship or not - don't just toss away a rival. They're still a character.

Instead, if you're going to bring them up at all, either because they're already important, a potential love interest for your character, or as a subtle meta nod to there being a more popular ship in the fandom, have the 'rival' (it doesn't matter if they're actively a rival to the character or not, I'm just calling them that) character be shown incompatible (romantically or entirely or something else) with the character who they're shipped more with through natural character interaction and development/conflicting traits/established relationship conflict. Or just have them say no/write them with an incompatible orientation. This fandom is good at writing that, at least. Kinda. You could also find a different way that works too.

(Note Thing: As an asexual, if I see 'asexuality' used as a cheap excuse to write the 'incompatible orientation' one then I swear... gah... realistically written asexual characters are amazing and there's so little of them...)

From what I recall of the audio dramas and what I'm seeing here, this story is E rated and written in an almost episode-like tone. It is also heavily based many old fairy tales and legends. Most notably, 'Beauty and the Beast'.

This choice hinders the story more than helps it. With less popular mane six (that's gonna appear as 'main' sometimes too, I'm lazy) and other things with characters who have met and such as of the date of the story's publishing/intended genre/etc. basically any rating can work.

With the villains, it gets harder. Since the E rating for ponyfic basically means 'episode' or 'G rated movie' type deal (seriously look at the rules, please, it isn't as flexible as you'd think) this makes it harder (but not impossible) to have excellent portrayals of villain (even if they're redeemed/something) ships and the characters depicted within because it's virtually an easy ticket to greater author explanation. While E rated stories like that may be out there, I can't think of any. May have to do with reading nearly 1,500 stories on this site, but who knows.

Anyway, the rating is hindering some of this story's potential, at least in my eyes. All the characters are being taken seriously and the writing isn't inherently bad... but it feels like this limitation is constricting it and taking away from a story that feels a bit cheapened - especially with some of the themes that could have been delved into (like the nightmares that I shall bring up later).

So the six ponies went back home and waited for Discord's return. They each wore their Elements at all times for precaution. For weeks, they waited in agitation for their enemy to make his attack. They told no pony else that the Spirit of Chaos had escaped, for Celestia did not want her subjects to panic. It was because of this that the friends went about their daily routines as if there was nothing to worry about, but they each slept with one eye open, all except Fluttershy, who slept with two.

How could the rather obvious failure of the Elements be hidden? If all their victories (just NMM so far) were declared, then what is it that would cause something to go unnoticed by all of Equestria? Discord may be hidden but the failure of the Elements, and the fact that they wore their Elements at all times doesn't sit well. I can get early writing/glossing over some things, but story details are important. I'm not sure if I'm over thinking this or it just feels really weird.

In the next parts, expanding the mention of Twilight's efforts to solve the problem would improve this, instead it only serves to put emphasis on Fluttershy. This story has a lot of mane 6 'rolecalling', but Fluttershy is pulled away from this in a away that feels forceful and not natural to the story and the other mane 6 go unmentioned for a lot of this chapter. The impact that this would have on their lives is just... not fleshed out. Because the main 6 and the importance of Fluttershy are not balanced well, the story feels rather ineffective so far.

(Note: What I'll be referring to 'rolecalling' the main 6 is when almost forced appearances of them appear/or when it doesn't feel like they're being handled naturally and their characters are represented through flat dialogue that merely confirms base personality traits or things like occupation. It's like Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, and it's annoying.)

Fluttershy spent nights waking up with a scream, after experiencing a nightmare where the monster had her in his clutches. Of all the frightening creatures she had encountered in her lifetime, she had never been as afraid as she was of Discord. Even though she had not seen him in a while, he still haunted her. Everywhere she turned his yellow and red eyes were there, staring into her soul. Sometimes he would appear as three butterflies, or as his stained glass image. Whatever form he took, it felt like he was always there, watching her.

Discord is established to scare the living daylights out of Fluttershy for being a monster. Her mental health is not right. This is not a good way to set up a Fluttercord shipfic. The whole of Discord (who and what he is) scares her. She isn't curious, or scared of a certain aspect of him, like his power, she's just fucking scared.

This is how you set up an abusive relationship, if you're gonna set up a realationship at all.

If one character is afraid of something about the other, it should just be something rather than the character themselves. Overcoming this fear can make excellent character development for both characters later. Having a character be afraid of the character that they are intended to be paired with isn't a good idea at all. Jesus.

'Old enemy-turned-ally-and-shit' can totally work. You can have characters who used to hate each other for certain reasons become good friends, allies, or more, but this isn't a really good way to do that. At all. I'm getting some bad juju just reading this and wondering how the hell everything is going to turn out in the end.

The story doesn't feel that natural so far. A story can have the description to give context and inform the readers, but the story itself feels like a large description to... I'unno, something else... at times.

Then Twilight became a princess, which turned every pony's life around. While Twilight was still living in Ponyville, she spent most of her time in Canterlot or elsewhere performing royal duties. As for her other five friends, they were all famous after saving Equestria numerous times and being friends of a princess.

Okay, but how would it be different in this AU? This story is very obviously an AU and almost makes an effort to acknowledge that canon is like some kinda awkward neighbor. It feels pretty weird. Magical Mystery Cure and the Crystal Empire are both important episodes whose outcome would be different in at least some way by what has transpired prior. Butterfly effect, yo. The Canterlot Wedding too, wouldn't have just gone smoothly. I'f you're gonna be giving me episode recaps, can I at least have all the episodes? I can't believe that everything progressed 'normally' - or at least normally enough for the openers/finales/other episodes - to still happen as they did in the show.

Am i the only one in this cold, dead world who ever thinks about the butterfly effect in all its beauty and horror? Or gets fucking existential about it? At ungodly hours?

No?

...Well, that sucks, then.

Another thing: why isn't Discord there? If he wants to take over Equestria, there should be a pretty good reason why he wouldn't be drawn to a chaotic event like that, or do some kind of stalking to keep tabs on the main 6. This story has neglected Discord as a character so far, which isn't something that should happen in a shipfic/romance/whatever. Both of the characters are meant to be developed both as themselves and as part of the relationship they will be in, positively or negatively.

This isn't that.

But there is more main 6 rolecalling. I guess I'll be getting that in bulk. This is only the first chapter too.

...And the time lapsing is unhelpful the second time around. It's still a year, right? The main 6 are famous and stuff, but I have to look at the description to clarify things. That's not bad per se, but it's a little weird that it gets so wonky in story, because it's stressed in a way that feels relevant.

There's also how saying that Fluttershy isn't happy in the 'except for one' way this chapter presents isn't working at all. It's a gimmick.

The nightmares she's been having and the fear could be fleshed out and made into something very effective that makes sense for the narrative and is very engaging, while giving partner 1 to the ship some focus. This is a drama, after all, and there's been so little dramatic tension that really fits. The seeds haven't been sown so well.

Once the six were known to the public, many stallions began taking interest in Fluttershy, who had turned out to be a great beauty. She received a lot of gentlemen callers now, but she refused all of them. Although she was of marriageable age now, the pegasus was not ready for such a thing, let alone dating. She had gained more confidence over the years, but the idea of romance terrified her. Having a boyfriend meant spending time with a single stallion that might be the one or might not. She knew he would be doing most of the talking, and asking, and touching, etc. She was not prepared for that.

Fluttershy is signaled out in a way that feels weird yet again. Once you start 'rolecalling' the mane 6 throughout a story, you can't forget that they're going to be needing development too. Little hints and mentions about how romance went for the others goes a long way for parallel character development.

(Note: 'Gentlemen' should seriously not appear in an MLP story unless it's EqG.)

Were the main 6 not of age to marry before? It's paragraphs like these that raise more questions than answers. There's also the awkward mention of 'years'. The time lapsing hasn't been going too well now.

Since this is a story that is obviously going to have lots of Fluttershy, there should be plenty of focus on her and things about how she would approach a relationship. Why hasn't she been in one? The whole marrying-age thing didn't feel like it belonged at all, so: why has she not been in one? She's terrified? Well, why? Giving better details would help, and all this does is paint Fluttershy as painfully submissive in almost every way.

I really don't get it.

Chapter Two: Yep, There's More

Pinkie Pie bounced down the hallway. "I love having dinner with the princesses!"
"You love having dinner with any pony, darling," Rarity chuckled.
In the dining hall, Celestia sat at the head of the table, Twilight and Spike on her right, Luna and Cadence on her left. When she saw her friends, the purple alicorn forgot her manners for a moment, leaping out of her seat and attacking them with a hug.
"I'm so happy you're here!" she exclaimed. "I haven't seen you guys in weeks!"
"We're happy to be here," Applejack declared. "Now how 'bout we chow down?!"

Putting mane 6 rolecalling in your entire story isn't cool. Even if this isn't intended to be that, every time I look at it, I feel that it is because there's been so much of it so far.

"Ten months," answered Shining Armor.

So this chapter isn't the most eventful thing in absolutely ever because that's not how chapters work. But Cadance is preggers and that's a thing type type type and then there's this line.

THIS PERSON UNDERSTANDS HOW HORSE GESTATION WORKS.

OH.

MY.

FUCKING.

GOD.

YES!

...And right after that there's a smidge of LUS. Protip? Don't resort to LUS when you have multiple characters of the same gender interacting. Using smaller differences like 'earth pony' and 'pegaus' work better. Shift things around. 'Filly' and 'colt' and other pony age words work well. Species/race names. Alicorn, draconequus, pony, demon, etc.

I saw 'cowgirl' used instead. I know Applejack's a cowpony/cowgirl, but there's only so many reminders I really need. I know she's an earth pony, but I also know that her name is Applejack. Use names as much as possible, if that fails, use pronouns. Only when that fails do you use stuff like this.

Gah. It's just annoying because it makes writing feel so weird.

She wasn't convinced by her tone. "Fluttershy, I'm gonna be honest with you. You've seemed to be down in the dumps as of late. You know I can't remember the last time I've seen you smile? I mean really smile, like you meant it?"
Fluttershy paused and turned away. "It's nothing, really."
Applejack took a deep breath. "It's those nightmares, isn't it? You're still havin' them, aren't ya?"
The pegasus floated to the ground and hid her face shamefully. Her friend put an assuring hoof on her back.
"Sugar Cube," she said slowly, "it's been three years. Discord's long gone. You got nothin' to fear anymore. You gotta let it go."
She sniffed. "I know, but the nightmares just won't go away, even when I'm not asleep! It's like everywhere I turn, he's there, watching, waiting to...to...I don't know! Take me away or something! I just...I can't..."

I'm not sure if I should point out the AppleShy friendshipping, the capitalization of 'Sugarcube', or the fact that Fluttershy is literally going insane and is starting to sound like she's a paranoid schizophrenic.

"Hey, it's okay. It's all in your imagination. Discord's not comin' back and he certainly isn't gonna take you away."

GODDAMMIT.
...I really like irony, okay?

So later, there's Discord being... kind weird and villain-y, but not in his usual way. He observed shit through divination and talked to his reflection and laughed a lot. Seems like some good shit. He kinda struck me like Hydia, from G1, except if Hydia went through psychosis and was really high.

The next scenes aren't too important except that Cadance who is preggers is going off to help the Royal Sisters on a mysterious quest. What.

Well, that was-

Chapter Three: I'm Still Here

This chapter opens with some cute Gala stuff. The CMC are older and have their cutie marks, but still like to tease their sister figures. Fluttershy is going to take a risk and sing at the Gala, with the helpful encouragement of her friends and-

She looked up at her with serious eyes. "It was different. In my dreams, he usually just holds me and laughs. That's what I dreamt he did last night, but this time, he was..." She shivered. "Stroking my mane and...I was letting him. I didn't even put up a fight. I..."

...What.

The part where Fluttershy was singing actually served as some interesting development for her and Sweetie Belle. Sure, the song could have used a little tweak here and there to fit ponies better, but it was alright.

Discord's appearance was an amusing little bit. He shows up and acts cranky and hammy, surprising everypony.

There weren't any JoJokes though, so... I can't exactly say it's anything amazing. There totally could have been a Dio joke.

~~I'm kidding, jeez.~~

(Note: Discord also decides to reveal himself when he sees a happy and confident Fluttershy singing. He actively wants to ruin her happiness and force her into a submissive, shy role. He even acknowledges it. That is a distinguishing feature of an abusive relationship.)

Conclusion Thus Far: I'm reading something, but it sure isn't a romance.