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I finally figured out how to put this thing on my profile. This is the best thing to happen to me since Princess Celestia teleported me to Equestria so that I could romance her student and sister.

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Tales From the Banned List: jesusWasARapeBaby · 7:34am Jun 8th, 2017

Today, ladies and gents, we delve back into the banned list to regale you with another tale of a user who was banned and didn’t really deserve it. Who’s going to have their eulogy read today?

Oh, all right. I guess that’s where we’re going today.

Banned on the day his account was created. Seems almost coincidental. Prophetic, even.

No stories, no blogs. Only one follower. He doesn’t follow anyone.

The assumption, of course, is that this was a troll account created during a raid on the Christian Bronies group.

However, if you do some digging, you’ll find out that there were no threads that involved jesusWasARapeBaby at all. Almost as if he was being falsely accused of things.

So, let’s do a quick recap. His prophetic arrival. Acts 7:37:

This is that Moses, which said unto the children of Israel, A prophet shall the Lord your God raise up unto you of your brethren, like unto me; him shall ye hear.

His just as prophetic departure. Isaiah 53:12:

Therefore will I divide him a portion with the great, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong; because he hath poured out his soul unto death: and he was numbered with the transgressors; and he bare the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.

No one recognized him. Isaiah 53:3:

He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

He was betrayed and his very existence denied by the very people who claimed his kinship. Psalm 41:9:

Yea, mine own familiar friend, in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath lifted up his heel against me.

And he was falsely accused. John 1:11:

And they cried out all at once, saying, Away with this man, and release unto us Barabbas.

Also, based on the fact that he was on this site, we can be fairly certain he’s a virgin, so he’s got the purity aspect down.

So, what other information do we have as to what kind of person jesusWasARapeBaby is? We can look at the singular comment on his user page:

What useful information can we glean from this comment? First, that CyberCommand echoes much of the sentiments that the Pharisees and Sadducees expressed of the “false prophet” narrative that they used to discredit Jesus. Matthew 16:1-4:

The Pharisees and Sadducees came to Jesus and tested him by asking him to show them a sign from heaven. He replied, "When evening comes, you say, 'It will be fair weather, for the sky is red,' and in the morning, 'Today it will be stormy, for the sky is red and overcast.' You know how to interpret the appearance of the sky, but you cannot interpret the signs of the times. A wicked and adulterous generation looks for a sign, but none will be given it except the sign of Jonah." Jesus then left them and went away.

Secondly, that he is a God-fearing Christian, but that he certainly thanks God for some pretty mundane things. Like, he legitimately thanked God for banning an irksome user on this site. Fascinating stuff.

Even now, as Judas did when he sold out Jesus (Matthew 26:15), we can see that CyberCommand is expressing remorse for his actions.

You don’t need to look far; that’s legitimately his latest blog post. He is repentant for his transgressions against jesusWasARapeBaby. He knows that he will ultimately be judged for what he did.

Now, I’m not sure if you guys are following what I already know in my heart to be true, but I’ll spell it out for you: jesusWasARapeBaby could very well be the Second Coming of Christ. This is even illustrated in Revelation 19:15:

Coming out of his mouth is a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations. “He will rule them with an iron scepter.”

Why do you think he was banned? Because he had words that cut like a sword! Rather than listen to the truth--we know his declaration of how Jesus’ conception occurred based on his user name, but we have no idea what he said in the now-deleted threads containing his prophetic truths--the false truth-seekers of Christian Bronies instead sought to silence his voice, just as the Pharisees and Sadducees did.

What is the moral of the story of jesusWasARapeBaby’s banning? That even if it’s literally God impregnating a woman, you need to get consent people. Unless the woman provides anything other than enthusiastic consent, you don’t fucking touch her, much less put a baby inside her. Do you think God asked permission from Mary? No. This is how it went down. Matthew 1:18:

This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit.

As we all know, the “Holy Spirit” is just a moniker for God’s penis, since the Bible goes into great detail about it being inside of us. What else could it be? Something intangible? If it wasn’t something you could touch or feel, then how could it have impregnated Mary, huh?

In the end, it looks like Christian Bronies managed to singlehandedly shit-can the Second Coming of Christ because they took issue with the objective truth. If jesusWasARapeBaby had never been banned, we’d have already accomplished world peace and all be going to Heaven at this point. Thanks to their mistaken banning of the messiah, they’ve doomed us all to a literal Hell on Earth for the rest of existence. There will be no end times and no rapture, and we all have a clear culprit upon which the blame rests.

All the same, we should take a page from the Bible. Mark 12:28-31:

One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

I’d say Christian Bronies meets the “neighbor” criteria. On top of this, we aren’t meant to be the judges of mankind. John 8:2-11:

At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

Let Christian Bronies pass their harsh and unfair judgment on their neighbor. We will stand above them, we will embrace our new messiah, and we will exalt him as the teacher he is. We could all stand to learn a great moral lesson from jesusWasARapeBaby, don’t you think? He has inspired us to take the true teachings of the Bible to heart, to not stoop to such sin as what Christian Bronies practices. Let them join the Pharisees and the Sadducees in the annals of false faith. We will rally behind the One True King.

Seriously, though, the bulk of Christian Bronies is good people. Don’t you fucking dare do anything to them. There’s a reason I didn’t link to them at any point in this story. DO NOT EVER attack other people, whether you think it’s funny or not. This was obviously satirical, and hopefully with this disclaimer at the bottom, the mods won’t shit on my day and delete this blog post. If they do, I’ll just save the whole script and put [REDACTED] and black text boxes over all relevant information, but hopefully they won’t be that Jewish. Oh, shit, was that culturally insensitive of me to call them Jewish? I’m still new to this whole pious thing. For real, though, I wouldn’t mind being a Jewish person. Not the Jewish religion, that shit is nuts. Like an ethnic Jewish person. I think the bonuses to finance and education rolls easily offset the small disadvantage in Charisma (due to their big noses and curly hair and last names that are impossible to score in Scrabble). Like, who wouldn’t want an epic beard and one of those badass little hats? Oh, shit, it looks like the PC police are here to yell at me for being culturally insensitive or something. Let me go get my shotgun. Thankfully, we know they’re not exercising their right to bear arms. Actually, I’m not certain that PC culture is united on that front. Wouldn’t it be potentially triggering to deny someone the safety of a firearm? Like, that would make safe spaces actually legit safe. No one is going to fuck with a safe space that has a 7.62mm machine gun nest in the middle of it. The PC people should totally hire me to run security at their events. I’d keep that shit so safe they wouldn’t see a Klan member within 50 klicks of their demonstrations. If any of you guys are looking to organize any PC culture events in the future, keep me in mind. I also do birthday parties.

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Comments ( 19 )

This hurts to read lol :pinkiecrazy:

well that was messed up

There is never too much work to put into THE TRUTH. :rainbowkiss:

So what are you trying to do here? What I see was just a troll account and it was removed that's a good thing.

We don’t need anymore trolls. I already have enough of them in real life.

I’m not trying to do anything. This was meant to be a comedic piece. :eeyup:

How dare you accuse jesusWasARapeBaby of trolling! How dare! :rainbowwild:

My intent is to make people laugh. If you’re referring to me as a troll, I recommend you read my blog about people calling me that here.

Alright, that was hilarious. I know the guy was banned the day he made his account, but how long did he take to get noticed?

I saw the name and immediately started giggling.

How do you find these people man?

4564504 Oh I see. I also have an “odd” since of humor that people don’t get at times. Glad you are back by the way.

I don’t get it. Sorry I am old.

This is...a thing.

It’s difficult to remember how I came across all these folks. Just did some rooting around in the right places and came up with gold.

Just because you can’t handle the truth, doesn’t mean you can’t not accept it. :twilightsmile:

Thank you for the illustrious compliment. :rainbowkiss:

Just because they hate you, that doesn’t make them bad people. :trollestia:

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